Sunday, April 19, 2009

Movie Review: Street Fighter

Street Fighter
Rated PG-13
1 Slime
Copyright Universal Pictures 1994

THE CHARACTERS

Colonel William F. Guile: Jean-Claude Van Damme! He is in charge of stopping Bison. Other than that, he has no personality and is unbelievably hard to understand with his accent.

General M. Bison: Raúl Juliá! He is an evil, insane dictator who wants to rule the world. Just don’t let him hear you say that, he is easily offended. He is also quite tough for a 50 year old. He’s smashed into a bunch of computer screens and is electrocuted to death twice, but his suit keeps saving him.

Chun-Li Zang: Ming-Na Wen! A news reporter by day and ninja spy by night, and is also a professional martial artist apparently. Too bad she doesn’t get enough camera time to see some of her moves.

Ken Masters & Ryu Hoshi: Both of them are con men who like stealing money from warlords by selling them toy guns. They are also martial artists as well.

Cammy: Kylie Minogue! She is Guile’s Lieutenant from what I gathered. She provides nothing else for this film and doesn’t look like the original character from the game.

Dr. Dhaslim: He is a scientist who helped turn Blanka into well… Blanka from the video game. In his last scene before the building collapses on him, he looks like what he does in the video game without any reason given.

Victor Sagat & Vega: Sagat looks like that guy from Water World and Vega looks like some circus acrobat. They are the arch enemies of Ken and Ryu in the story. Sagat escapes in the end and I think Vega dies when the entire base collapses and explodes.

Balrog & Honda: They are the assistants to Chun-Li’s plan to take down M. Bison. Honda was a former sumo from Hawaii and Balrog was a former boxer.

Zangief: Andrew Bryniarski! He is one of M. Bison’s minions who is beyond dumb. In fact, it only takes basically two sentences to realize what he is doing is wrong and turn to the light side.

Dee Jay: Miguel A. Núñez, Jr.! He only works for Bison because is a paid a crap load of money. He decides to bail on Bison when their base is under attack.

Blanka: A former friend of Guile who was turned into a monster by Bison so he could become a super solider. He really isn’t that threatening and looks more like a green cavemen with a fake red wig. He decides he would rather die then go back to the world looking like he does.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Soldiers wear blue or plaid army fatigue.
+ Soldiers can’t beat a 50 year old dictator in hand to hand combat.
+ Plasma & DNA Mutagens looks like Kool-Aid and Mountain Dew.
+ Prison uniforms are blue.
+ People’s minds can be somewhere else when being whipped.
+ Destroying villages is just another Tuesday for dictators.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – I thought Chun-Li was police officer.
3 min – You guys are pathetic, can’t you beat that old man?
6 min – I guess we moved to another movie or something.
9 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST WOODEN WALLS!
13 min – And the crowd goes wild for a back flip!
14 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WAREHOUSE WALL!22 min – Hey! The movie is getting better!
25 min – Are you still talking?
31 min – Guile needs to hire better people.
36 min – Oh! Wrong word!
40 min – You forgave them quite quickly.
46 min – Oh no… I sense another stupid speech.
53 min – He needs more lessons on women.
65 min – Neck Snap: Always a popular fatality.
72 min – How did he do that?
73 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A STONEWALL!80 min – Stop playing with the sound effects machine!
86 min 15 sec – Hadouken!
86 min 26 sec – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PUNCHING BAG!
88 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TONS OF COMPUTER SCREENS!
91 min – What happened to you?
95 min – Lame… I got to go play the game before the aftereffects of this movie sets in…

NOTABLE QUOTES
Bison: Game Over!

Cammy: Cammy here, are you all right?
Colonel William F. Guile: I'm okay. I'm just half dead.
Cammy: And Bison?
Colonel William F. Guile: All dead.

Zangief: Quick, change the channel!

THE PLOT

This film is really… stupid. I mean really stupid and also lame as well. If I wanted to watch a bunch of people beating the crap out of each other, I would watch Walker, Texas Ranger or a Jackie Chan movie. This is slightly better than Mortal Kombat 2 and a bit worse than DOA: Dead or Alive, so either way this won’t be pleasant. Let’s just jump into the movie and get it over with.

The movie begins with us watching a news report (It’s nothing like Double Dragon’s news reports so don’t be worried) that is talking about how General M. Bison has been terrorizing the nation of Shadaloo, which is really just where Thailand is. He has captured hostages which he is holding for a 20 billion dollar ransom which he wants in 72 hours. M. Bison and his men are watching the report when Colonel William Guile comes on to tell him that he is coming to get them. Bison responds by hacking into the video feed and sending him a message… through the camera I think, about how he wants his money and stuff. Then they exchange some random insults and the video feed cuts out.

Suddenly we cut away to what looks like Fight Club: Southeast Asia style as two new characters are shown to us, Ryu Hoshi and Ken Masters. They have arrived at the fight club to do business with man called Victor Sagat, a big arms dealer for terrorists and M. Bison. During their exchange of money and weapons, we learn that guns the Ryu and Ken were selling to him were just Styrofoam ball shooters. Since the mob doesn’t have a sense of humor and they don’t like being ripped off, they capture the two and force them into a cage match with reigning champion Vega, who has Wolverine claws and an iron Jason mask. Guile and his troops then come in and arrest everyone.

Back at Guile’s base, he comes up with a plan to infiltrate M. Bison’s base by using Ryu and Ken. He figures they can get close to Sagat, who is close to Bison. To do this, he stages a prison break in which Ken, Ryu, Sagat, and Vega escape and supposedly kill him. While this is happening, Guile has them place a homing device to the truck they escape in so that they can track them to the enemy base.

While this happening, we have these two subplots that don’t add much to the story. Seriously, you can leave them out and they wouldn’t really have much of an effect on the movie or outcome. The first is about Charlie Blanka, a friend of Guile’s, who has been captured by Bison and is being turned into some kind of green… ape looking mutant, which is suppose to be some kind of super soldier. They do this by injecting tropical drink looking substances and making him watch violent images, it’s like a tame version of A Clockwork Orange in other words. The person in charge of this is Dr. Dhaslim, a scientist who is obviously been forced to work on this experiment.

The other subplot is about a news reporter named Chun-Li and her two friends, Honda and Balrog. They are also set out to kill Bison since he ruined their lives. The way they do this is by sending a truck full of explosives directly at the camp Bison and his men are at. Of course, this idiotic and the villains escape, capturing the reporters as well.

Once the homing device is inside of M. Bison base’s, Guile, his lieutenant Cammy, and the rest of his blue army men plan out a strategy about how to take the base. It is decided that Guile, Cammy, and another guy (He’s not important) will head up this river to the base, where they’ll knock out the radar system, so that the rest of the army can get into the base without being noticed. This works, not before Bison has Guile’s boat blown up in one of his underwater mines.

Luckily, or unluckily depending on your view of the movie at this time, Guile and his two operatives arrive at the base safely. Guile sneaks in through a vent shaft (I didn’t think ancient ruins had those) and gets inside the laboratory where Bison had mutated his friend. Guile is horrified by how his friend has been transformed, but Dr. Dhaslim tells him that he tried to keep his mind in take as best as he could. He did this by changing the violent imaging into scenes of Martian Luther King Jr., dolphins, and wedding videos. I really don’t get it.

Anyways, the time is up and Bison is upset that he didn’t get his money. He decides to have his new super soldier kill the hostages. However, Guile appears instead and launches a 100 yard flying kick directly into him. From this point on, it’s all just a bunch of random, poorly edited fight scenes. The main fights take place between Guile and Bison; Honda and Zangief, one of Bison’s minions; and Ryu & Ken versus Sagat & Vega. Of course, the heroes all crush their opponents, though Honda’s and Zangief’s fight ends in a draw, and rescue the hostages.

However, when Guile thinks he has beaten Bison, the evil dictator’s suit revives him and starts having him float all around the room, while launching Superman flying punches at Guile. Guile defeats him, again, and goes to Dr. Dhaslim and Blanka to try to get them to leave with him, because now that base is exploding. Blanka can’t face the world looking like the monster he is, so Dhaslim will stay with him as the base comes crushing down of them. Anyways, Guile makes out of the base, reunites with his team, and they all make a lame pose at the camera while the Street Fighter logo pops up. Oh yeah, at the very end of the credits, Bison has once again survived and punches his fist through the rumble.

After putting up with all of that, this movie wasn’t as bad as I was lead to believe by all the reviews and comments from people, but it still blows. Some of the fights were ok and there was that it’s so bad that its funny kind of lines, but it still didn’t make this movie more enjoyable. The 2 biggest insults to me where that there were so many characters from the series, but only about 5 of them had any real impact on the story and the rest could have been forgotten or left out in general. The other problem came at the end on how the final fights sequences were extremely poorly edited and basically were a jumble mess of scenes and angle shots. Oh well, at least only paid 2 bucks for the movie unlike others who most likely paid more to see this.

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