Saturday, May 16, 2009

Movie Review: Beware! The Blob


Beware! The Blob
Rated PG
1 Slime
Copyright Enterprises Inc. 1972

THE CHARACTERS

Bobby Hartford: He is a photographer and Lisa’s boyfriend. He gets caught up in the whole Blob situation and ends up saving the day by freezing it. He is a pretty nice guy and even leaves his own birthday party to comfort Lisa. He’s making all guys look bad.

Lisa Clark: She can’t act to save herself. She is Bobby’s girlfriend and the first person to discover the Blob. Sadly, the thing does not devour her. Why does the movie have to be so cruel?

Edward Fazio: He runs a coffee shop/bowling alley/ice rink, which means that if he fails at one, he still has two to fall back on. He doesn’t like Lisa or Bobby, but has to work with them when the Blob attacks his bowling alley. In a shocking turn of event, the Blob does not eat him.

Sheriff Jones: This guy is completely useless and is a poor example for all police departments in the world. He does nothing and solves no crimes during the film. Worst of all, he takes credit for defeating the Blob at the end of the film. Hopefully, the Blob devours him off screen.

Officers Sims, Kelly, and Williams: Sims is a hippie & Blob hater. Guess which one does him in? Kelly learns the hard way that the number one rule of Blobs, bullets do not work! Williams is the only officer that gets out of this alive and thank God, since he was one of the only interesting character of this entire movie.

Chester and Marianne Hargis: He’s a drunk who brings back the Blob by accident and she just keeps on buying him beer. Since he did a moronic thing and she is stupid, they are obviously eaten by the Blob. Karma works in interesting ways, doesn’t it?

Random People: Fodder. There is no other word that can be used to describe these people better. They come in many forms, such as hippies, hobos, and even wheelchair people.

The Blob: Well… the Blob can certainly do some interesting impressions throughout the film. He can look like ketchup, gum, melted candle wax, jelly, the pink slime from Ghostbusters 2, a balloon, a parachute, and countless more! It eats and eats and grows and grows. It is frozen at the end, but some of it melts by accident.


LESSONS LEARNED
+ Special effects need not to be all that special.
+ Lids just pop off containers for no reason.
+ Women find it charming that their men constantly drink beer.
+ Blobs come in many forms. The strawberry jam is the most popular format.
+ Barber’s shops are open late at night.
+ People keep phones in their bathrooms.
+ Young adult birthday parties involve men in gorilla suits, crowns, balloons, and people being swung around by their arms and legs.
+ Blobs have their own entrance music whenever they appearance.
+ Crucifixes are not blob repellant.
+ Plan B for police officers is to set a building on fire.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Oh yes, this just screams The Blob, doesn’t it? With the cute kitten, uplifting music, and all that.
5 min – Huh? That was random.
8 min – TURN AROUND!!! MORON!!
11 min – Watch out! Giant ball of tomato paste is heading right for you!!
13 min – Someone is pouring in red orange painting!
14 min – I wish I was watching the original movie…
17 min – Director: Scream! Don’t laugh, don’t smile! This is supposed to be scary! The Blob is supposed to eating him! Heck with it; cut and print!
19 min – Did I miss something? I didn’t get the joke.
23 min – The lights weren’t off when she left. Did the Blob turn them off? Plus, the angle of the chair is different now.
25 min – Interesting; a few minutes ago it was still daylight.
28 min – Thank God, a police officer can arrest these idiots!
30 min – This is even better! The Blob can eat the idiots and the officer as well! Triple bonus!
31 min – It’s Garth Algar!
35 min – Hey, who filled the sink with pink hair gel?
38 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WINDOW!
39 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
47 min – Is it just me, or does everyone in this town seem to be an alcoholic?
50 min 24 sec – FREEZE FRAME! That has to be the goofiest expression for being eaten by The Blob I have ever seen.
53 min – Killer melted Twizzler!
58 min – Ah great, a jelly spill on the highway. That’ll be a mess to clean up.
59 min – Is that The Stuff he is eating?
62 min – Hey, who filled the vents with jam?
65 min – From this angle, the blob is non-visible even though it should be.
67 min – The red parachute got him!
74 min – Pink Slime Vs. Man With Shotgun. Pink Slime wins by a landslide!
84 min – Comments from him? He did nothing!!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Marianne Hargis: You would be doing me a favor if you stay home for a while. You’ve been gone three whole months, three months! And putting down a pipeline no one wants. Then, the first thing you do when you get home, you go fishing.
Chester Hargis: You know that’s not the first thing I do when I get home.

Fat Naked Guy: You never believe what I seen!
Officer Kelly: I don’t believe what I see.

THE PLOT

Oh boy… this movie won’t be fun. Now I am fan of the original The Blob and I do enjoy the cheesiness and amusingly bad special effects of the movie. Now seeing this was a sequel to it, I wasn’t expecting much in the effects department. Apparently the director wasn’t either and didn’t care either, because these special effects for Beware! The Blob are terrible. That wasn’t only thing that was terrible either…

Interesting side note about the director, it was said from people that worked on the movie that he was high on marijuana during most of the production. That explains a lot actually.

The movie opens up with a shot of a kitten running through a field. This makes no sense, but luckily we move onto Chester and Marianne Hargis. Chester builds pipelines for as his job and was working on one somewhere when he unearthed this strange item that says to be kept cold at all times. Of course, being an idiot, he takes it home with him. The minute the container is left out of the fridge at home, the lid pops and inside it is… ketchup…

Actually it’s the Blob, but I hope you are prepared to look at things that do not like the blob throughout the film. The ooze comes out of its container and it eats their kitten. That was cruel and unnecessary. Marianne notices that cat is missing and starts looking for him. She searches outside of the house, where the blob eats her as well. Since her husband is drunk as a skunk, he does not come to her aid. Do not let this happen to you ladies! Make sure your husband or boyfriend is sober so you can call for his help if you are ever attacked by The Blob.

Strangely enough, we cut away from this to a birthday party. Why? Because we have to introduce better characters into the story then the morons we already have… well somewhat better characters. We meet Lisa, who is the girlfriend of someone called Bobby and is helping set up the party for this Bobby. Anyways, she has to go over to Marianne’s house to pick up a present for her boyfriend.

While this is happening, the Blob has begun his stalking of Chester, who is watching The Blob on TV. Wait a minute!!! If this is a sequel to The Blob, then why is the movie on that TV screen?! Is this sequel based off true event in their own world?! This is the only logical possibly, because this is completely mind boggling! It was like seeing Halloween the movie play on a TV screen in Halloween 3!! This is so impractical and impossible that it is messing with my head!

Once you make sense of that, the Blob music kicks in as the killer marmalade slowly appears above the top of the recliner that Chester is in. Just then, we cut away as Lisa shows up on the scene. She heads inside and walks into the living room where she sees the most terrifying thing ever that results with her smiling and asking the question “Are you ok?” It shows that Chester is being eaten up to his shoulders by killer jelly!! I know it is the Blob, but it is more amusing to call it other things, especially since this movie isn’t providing any amusement.

So Lisa runs off in a hurry and gets her boyfriend, Bobby Hartford. Ah, so this is the mysterious Bobby she mentioned earlier. They come over to the house, but they find no one around. Once they leave, they run into Sheriff Jones, a completely useless police officer as you will see throughout the film, and they report Chester’s death to him.

We cut away from this to see two of Lisa’s friends, who I refer to as Hippie Guy and Hippie Girl, as they smoke marijuana and horribly attempt to play a guitar. After listening to a horrible ballad and them mumbling on about some crap, Officer Sims shows up to arrest the two of them. Another police officer, Officer Kelly, tells him to come with him to Chester’s place to check out the report the sheriff called in. Sims decides to stay here and harass the teenagers, but that is a bad move on his part, because the jelly monster is back! It eats up the officer and I assume the pot heads as well. At this point, the Blob is now like a cross between red plastic sheeting and The Being!

The police now begin to search Chester’s house, as the Blob dines on a Garth lookalike and barber in another location. They find nothing and send the teens on their way home. We cut away again to find the blob attacking this old fat guy in a tub. So didn’t want to see that. The guy gets away, but is picked up for public indecency. Since that had no bearing on the plot, what was that scene? Entirely pointless! Another cut takes us back to Bobby and Lisa as they go home, where they find out the birthday for Bobby is in full swing. Ah yes, I have forgotten this. It seems like decades ago in a film of this caliber.

Lisa isn’t feeling too well and can’t enjoy party, so Bobby takes her home. Well seeing a friend of yours was getting dissolved by the Blob always seems to ruin the mood. We also learn that the Blob has been eating away at people, because at the police station many reports are coming in of missing people. The sheriff just passes it off and says that they are all probably at the bowling alley for the local tournament going on. Right… who said this guy could be sheriff of this town anyways? We also see the pinkish red glob devour a couple of chickens and drunken farmers.

Scratch that part out about ruining the mood, it seems Lisa is in the mood after all, as she starts making out with Bobby when they pull over somewhere. However, the gluttonous margarine takes position from the top of a building and pours onto their truck. It was about to eat them, which in my view would be good since it means Lisa would be eaten. Though Bobby would be killed and he is sort of a likeable character, but sometimes there has to be a sacrifice in order to remove a problem. However, Lisa turns on the air conditioner by accident and the Blob is frightened away. Mental note to self: Blobs do not like air conditioning.

On their way there, they run into two of their friends at an abandon gas station, which I assume the hungry thing came through previously. Bobby and Lisa try to warn their friends about the nasty creature, but the guy friend doesn’t take him seriously and takes off. He crashes into the blob literally and his girlfriend meets the same fate when she arrives. Lisa and Bobby freak out and decide to go find the sheriff. Would be a smart idea if the sheriff was a bit more qualified, experienced, intelligent, and you know, competent.

They go to the bowling alley, because they heard the sheriff was possibly there for the local bowling tournament. He’s not there and the two of them get in trouble for trying to use the loudspeaker to get everyone to leave. They are taken to the main office where they meet Edward Fazio, the owner of the place. He doesn’t like the two of them since they have been giving him loads of trouble the entire day. However, he is forced to work with them as the blob enters the alley. You know, this thing gets around pretty quickly for a large pile of what appears to be jelly, jam, margarine, and red crushed ice.

The three of them are forced to take cover inside of a small control room in the ice rink part of the building as the blob has shut off all the exits. The police arrives on the scene, but are unable to stop the creature and Officer Kelly is killed. I wouldn’t expect them to stop it, especially considering the sheriff is in charge and it is the blob after all. So they move onto Plan B, which is to burn the whole place in order to kill the reddish pink ooze. An officer always needs a plan B, even if it is stupid.

Through a dramatically convenient moment though, the three survivors discover the blob does not like the cold. So, Bobby decides to turn on the ice rink freezer… thing and freezes the whole blob up in a matter of seconds. Quite efficient if you ask me. The sheriff comes in to examine everything and then gives a hammy speech to a bunch of reporters who come in. The thing is that a light is accidently placed in the wrong spot on the frozen blob, which melts some it. Then it proceeds to seep over the sheriff’s boots. The movie ends there with us getting this dense facial expression of him looking at the camera in surprise and the words pop up, “The End?” At this point, this better be the end!

Ugh, that was painful to watch. I’ll start with the bad news first. The script and plot was terrible with there being no real good reason for the Blob showing up at all. A lot of the acting is poor and terribly done, especially from Lisa. There’s barely any likeable character in the movie, so it is hard to feel much sympathy for anyone who gets killed. Sometimes it is even too dark to see what is happening. The worst problem with the movie is the special effects for The Blob. This is the 70s and I think I’m actually watching special effects made back in the 40s. Really, I think they actually took a step backwards than the original film.

As for the positives, the special effects for the Blob are actually so bad and so cheesy, that they are laughable and you can get enjoyment just by mocking them. They’re kind of like the effects from Jaws: The Revenge in some sense. Some of the music is alright, especially the music that pipes up every time the Blob shows up. Also, Bobby is an alright character. He’s no Steve McQueen, but who is really. Still, this movie is terrible and poorly made with it being a waste of your time. I got to go watch something else now; preferably something less slimy.

2 comments:

  1. Love your review. This is movie is so bad I enjoy watching
    it periodically. I wish I could find the original script to see how
    much they threw out while filming. I often wondered how when Bobby
    and Lisa show up at Chester's its daylight, but a few
    minutes later it was dark?!? That's 70's cheesey movies for ya.
    Now, where is that script?

    ReplyDelete