Friday, July 3, 2009

Movie Review: Shark Swarm

Shark Swarm
Rated PG?
Skull
Copyright Larry Levinson Productions 2008

THE CHARACTERS

Daniel Wilder: John Schneider! Her runs the local fishery in New Moon Bay and is the only one in town that hasn’t sold the rights of his home to Lux. He is a die hard fisherman, who is stubborn, but a nice guy in general. He’s not good with making escape plans though since he seems to fail at that.

Brook Wilder: Daryl Hannah! Daniel’s wife and owner of little store in her town. She despises Lux and Kane with good reason. She doesn’t seem to bring much to the table in the movie outside of being the loving wife and kidnap victim for the bad guys.

Hamilton Lux: Armand Assante! A billionaire who is buying up New Moon Bay for all its worth, so he can force everyone out and build his beachside condos. He is polluting the bay to dry up the fishing business so that the town would be sold over to him. He uses many illegal activities to get his way and I think he has way too much power. The sharks end up eating him.

Professor Philip Wilder: He is Daniel’s brother and a teacher at the local university in the town. He knows a lot about sharks and the waters of the bay. He helps his brother out in trying to protect the town from the shark swarm heading its way.

Amy Zuckerman: A federal agent who has come to the town to survey and to possibly approve Lux’s business plans if everything checks out. It does not and she refuses to approve his plans, but somehow, he gets his plans approve without her. She becomes Philip’s love interest in the movie.

Kane Markus: He is Lux’s right hand man and does all the dirty work for him, from polluting the bay to kidnapping people. You know that kind of thing. He tries to kill Daniel and Kim, but he ends up being a tasty snack for a couple of sharks.

Clint Duran: He is Daniel’s assistant when for fishing in the local bay. Unlike everyone else in the town, he respects and looks up to Daniel. He even helps him out and goes out of his way to put himself in danger sometimes. He is shot to death by Tia and his body is dumped into the ocean.

Kim Wilder: She is the daughter of Daniel and Brook Wilder. Outside of having a small subplot and unknowingly sending one of her friends to her death by accident, she does not have much of a role in this film.

Chris: A surfer who travels from beach to beach and ends up falling in love with Kim. In the end of the film, he becomes Daniel’s new assistant in the fishing business.

Professor Bill Girdler: F. Murray Abraham! What some people will act in for money! He is an expert in pollution contamination and can also hacked government satellites with his little college issued laptop.

Brenda: A bartender of the town and a complete jerk. She wants the town gone so she can profit it off of it, but the sharks eat her alive. No real loss.

Tia: She is Kane’s girlfriend from what I’ve gathered, it’s not clear. She is very mean, evil, and she kills Clint. Luckily, the sharks tear her a new one, literally.

Tony: Kane’s right hand man who helps him with his evil deeds. He does not say anything and he looks like Blade. A shark makes a tasty meal out of him.

Sharks: These sharks are big time environmentalist because they take their frustration with all the toxic dumping and losing their food supply out on the little town. They are hammerheads and great whites working all together to tear apart the town. They all attack the same way by jabbing their heads and biting at the camera. They are very afraid of electromagnetic pulses and that is what ends up driving them away from the town.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Great White Sharks and Hammerheads all work together to form a super swarm of sharks.
+ Great whites can swim in water less than 3 feet deep.
+ Parents use peer pressure to make their kids swim.
+ College computers can hack NASA satellites.
+ No one notices when more than 25 people go missing in less than a week in a small town.
+ Marine biologist have shark fetishes.
+ Secret navy weapons can be handed out to local colleges.
+ Shark can grow larger and there brains can develop by being infected with phosphorus.
+ Sharks can be tracked by a satellite.
+ One pulse gun can stop over 50 sharks from attacking you with 2 shots.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Now we move to the opening of Empire of the Ants now.
2 min – Calling all marine biologist, can you make sense of this scene?
4 min – Do not question Blade!
14 min – No blood in a shark attack?
19 min – Worst mom ever.
25 min 30 sec – FREEZE FRAME! LOUSY GREEN SCREEN EFFECT!
27 min – Captain Planet weeps somewhere.
28 min – Random shark attack
31 min – It’s dark above the water, but it’s daylight below the water.
34 min – More random shark attacks.
38 min – Part of him? He wasn’t even killed on the boat.
46 min – This whole town is full of idiots, greedy bastards, and a-holes.
49 min – As I watch this random shark attack, I wonder why no one has notice so many people are missing? Then my last statement must be correct!
50 min – Curious, the shark tooth is pointed upward out of the boat, instead of lodged inward.
60 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MODEL!
75 min – She fell in backwards, but she was originally facing forward.
93 min – These guys aren’t that stealthy when it comes to illegal activities.
95 min – Can’t the bartender hear her screaming?
97 min – She’s not holding that gun correctly. She doesn’t even have her finger on the trigger.
100 min – I blame you one hundred percent for getting Clint killed with your pathetic escape plan.
102 min – This is something I would suspect a Bond villain to do.
106 min – Use the damn ladder!
109 min – Good bye now, you will not be missed.
116 min – How about I just give him the finger? It expresses my feelings better.
119 min – Now we move to a scene from Piranha. I wish I was watching that instead of this…
121 min – They keep using the same shark footage over and over.
122 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WEAK PIER!
Closing Credits – Well, that was anti-climatic with way too many loose ends left.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Fisherman 1#: I think you had too much. Here, have some more.

THE PLOT

For this review, I’ve decided to watch a Hallmark/Sci-Fi Channel production. Wait a minute, sit back down! I know you are trying to leave!! If you do stay, I’m about to share with you a painfully awful story about a swarm of sharks that eats up a little coastal town. It sounds like it would be good, but then again, since this is a Sci-Fi production, don’t bother getting too excited. Just a quick heads up, I watched this movie on the Hallmark Channel, so there are bound to be things left out of the movie that I saw. So if I don’t bring something up that was in the movie, I want you to have some possible reason why I didn’t say it.

We begin the movie with us seeing a bunch of guys dumping containers full of phosphorus into the water. They plan on killing the local fish industry so that the town of Full Moon Bay will resort to selling their businesses and homes to billionaire, Hamilton Lux, who in return will demolish the town and set up private beachfront condos for other people. People in this town are idiots as you can imagine and so is the billionaire. What happens when everyone is out and all you are left with a polluted coastline that is dangerous for people to live near? Think people!

This pollution in the water somehow messes with the local shark population, which appears to be over a 100 Great Whites and Hammerheads. It somehow morphs their brains electro tracker thingy… yes; I am not a marine biologist. It also makes them more aggressive and larger. I never fully understood the powers of phosphorus. Well this is going on; we are treated to the main heroes of the story. We meet Daniel Wilder, local fisherman and own of the town’s fishery; Brook Wilder, Daniel’s wife; Clint Duran, Daniel’s partner in the business; Philip Wilder, Daniel’s brother and marine biologist professor at a local university; Kim Wilder, Daniel & Brook’s daughter; Chris, a surfer from Rhode Island; and Professor Bill Girdler, a popular professor at the local university. Most of these people are a support characters at best and do provide too much to the lame experience in this film.

We learn that Daniel is the only one in his small town that hasn’t sold the rights of home and business to Lux, because he sees the billionaire for what he is. Unlike everyone else who are too dim to exist, like the mayor and Brenda, the local bartender. We also meet Amy Zuckerman, a local federal employee who has to come to the town to see if she can allow Lux the rights to build his condos out there. While this is going on, there are random shark attacks and killings in the little bay. Heck, in less than 25 minutes, the sharks have eaten their way through 5 people already.

Despite the lack of fish in the bay, Daniel and Clint continue to wish in local area. They soon come across an abandon boat that belongs to a couple of fisherman in the area. They take it back to shore and examined it, discovering a large hole in the boat and at least 10 shark teeth imbedded in the hull. Shark got weak teeth apparently. Also, a bunch of sharks wash ashore on the local beach, there’s a subplot about Amy & Philip falling in love and Kim and Chris falling in love as well. So much happens, there is so little development.

While all of this is going on, 25 people by now, onscreen and off screen, have mostly been killed by the sharks in the water. So far, no one in this town has seem to notice or even cared a little bit to wonder what is going on outside of only 3 people noticing 2 of the missing. What is wrong with this little town?

Things start getting more incompressible and hard to follow has subplots and side characters start entwining with the main story line. Amy began to do research on the water and encounters the shark swarm herself. She tells Philip and Daniel, who alerts Professor Bill Girdler about the situation. He then tracks the shark swarm using a satellite, because the sharks are full of phosphorus. They then arm themselves with pulse guns that shot electromagnetic pulses that disrupts the sensors inside of the sharks. Science! I’m so lost and confused!

Then Daniel ends up seeing Kane, one of Lux’s henchmen, loading up his boat with barrels full of phosphorus. The bad guys find out and kidnap Daniel, Clint, and Brook. They three of them try to make an escape, but Tia, Kane’s girlfriend, murders Clint. The couple is then put inside of a shark cage when they reach their destination so they can be dropped into the water to be feed to the sharks. Villains have such interesting plans on killing people… if they actually worked mind you. Brook and Daniel escape from their underwater prison and take out Kane, Tia, and another henchman by dumping into the ocean where the sharks chow down on them.

Finally, we reach the conclusion, where everything is just thrown together. The shark swarm breaks into 3 groups and swims to three spots in the area where there will be many people in the water. I wonder how they knew people would be there anyways. Brook, Daniel, Philip, and Amy split up and go to each different spot. Will they make it in time? Will they succeed? You can watch it and find out because I’m sick of talking about this trash!! Sick, Sick, Sick! This movie isn’t good enough for a proper review ending! I’m out of here! [Reviewer storms off]

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