Monday, October 26, 2009

Movie Review: Attack of the Monsters

Attack of the Monsters/Gamera Vs. Guiron
Unrated
2 Slimes
Copyright American International Pictures 1969 (American Release)

THE CHARACTERS

Gamera: He is every child’s hero (He seems to put kids in more danger though) and is a gigantic turtle that moves around by jet propulsion. He also must have a built in tracking device for kids in trouble, since how else would he be able to track these kids? His time is wasted rescuing these little morons who really just brought this all on themselves and he must have radar senses or supersonic hearing to even locate them.

Akio: He hopes to find an advance alien race that had no war or traffic accidents. He also is not familiar with any form of science fiction movies and is not that bright. He is so enthusiastic about science and space that surprisingly he doesn’t seem to even know the simplest of facts.

Tommy: He is an American who, for some reason, is living in Japan with his mom. Like his friend Akio, he lacks common sense. However, he makes up for it with his surprisingly good accuracy with a dart gun.

Barbella and Florella: Two space ladies that want to use the boys as their own food supply to get to Earth. Considering that the boys came to their planet without the need of food, I don’t understand why they would need the food for the trip. Florella is shot by Barbella and Barbella is somehow killed despite being slightly knocked to the ground.

Tomoko: She is Akio’s younger sister that is surprising smarter and is more reasonable then her older brother. She spends most of the film trying to convince useless adults that her brother and his friend are in space.

Officer Kondo: I see that he prefers not to wear a uniform when he is on the job and he is a pretty creepy looking guy. His form of punishment for kids is to shave their heads… wha?

Tommy’s Mother: Firmly believes that everything a kid tells a parent is a complete lie. This kind of belief system is what gets people killed in so many killer animal, alien, and monster movies.

Gaos: A gigantic bird/dragon monster that does not need to flap its wings to fly. It mostly just glides around without losing altitude and has laser breath! It is also a bit of a wimp and is promptly chopped into pieces by Guiron (In a scene not found in the edited version).

Guiron: A monster that is sort of built like a rino crossbreed with an iguana with a machete for a head. He is controlled by Barbella and Florella and does their bidding. He is killed by Gamera.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Electric waves sound like people scratching records on turntables.
+ Little boys are extremely, EXTREMELY stupid.
+ People hope to find advance civilizations free of traffic accidents.
+ Sucker cup guns are surprisingly strong and fast.
+ Stealing spaceships will result in getting a good scolding from your mother.
+ Monsters can roar in outer space.
+ Earth is a star.
+ Flying monsters do not need to flap their wings.
+ When a monster is coming, water moves in reverse for them.
+ If you eat brains, you acquire knowledge.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
3 min – Wait a minute! You skipped Mercury, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto!
4 min – Did I just miss come kind of joke?
8 min – Weirdo!
13 min –It looks more like you are on the set of Santa Claus Conquers the Martins.
17 min – Of course he can’t hear you! You are inside of spaceship and he is outside.
20 min – (Reviewer is laughing uncontrollably)
21 min – So the water running backwards catches your attention more than the giant, laser shooting bird?
26 min – Ah yes, alien speak the language of the fast forward.
28 min – Science may have advance, but fashion surely has taken a step backwards.
33 min – You sir are an idiot.
36 min – That’s considered saving a kid?
41 min – Ninja girl!
42 min – Is it really that hard to believe in a world of giant monsters and space creatures that aren’t any alien civilizations or UFOs?
52 min – Did I miss something… again!?
56 min – You kids ARE IDIOTS!!!!!!
61 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SPACESHIP!
66 min – Apparently, the giant turtle can try out for the Olympics.
72 min – Confused? So am I!
76 min – Is every grownup an idiot or jackass?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Officer Kondo: I'll tell you what. Remember, the next time, if you are naughty again... I'll shave your heads!

Barbella: And we can't waste any time, because while they are sleeping we'll eat their brains raw.

Akio: Grownups have no dreams.

THE PLOT

I’ll be honest with you all. I am not a giant rubber monster movie fan nor have I ever seen a single one of these types of films before. Perhaps I wouldn’t be the best person to review this film or maybe I should watch a different film of the Gamera series, but I am going to watch this anyways. Also, I have the edited version so there maybe some scenes I’m leaving out.

The movie begins with us hearing a weird narration from someone about there possibly being different worlds in the galaxy and on far away stars. Then we cut to an observatory where a scientist is holding some kind of press conference about getting a bunch of electric waves that may or may not be from some kind of civilization in outer space. Shouldn’t he determine that first before he gets the press called?

We then cut away to Akio, Tomoko, and Tommy (Why is he there in Japan?) who spot some kind of spaceship that lands in the woods near their house. So… instead of contacting the police or the government, they randomly decide to go check out the UFO. After some weird antics with a random freak of a police officer named Kondo, they arrive at the landsite of the spaceship.

So, like any stupid person, Akio and Tommy decide to enter the spaceship because they believe that the aliens are so advanced that they are peaceful. If most science fiction movies have taught us anything, if alien race is more advance then us, they’ll kill us. These two kids are exhibiting the same logic I saw in Mars Attack, so they’ll either be killed or a lot of chaos will happen around them. It turns out to be the latter, as the two idiots play around with the controls and send themselves into space.

So they steal the spaceship and start flying through galaxy. Along the way, they are on collision course with a giant meteor when suddenly Gamera shows up! Where the hell did he come from?! I don’t remember anyone calling him or even mentioning him. Does he have radar senses that tell him with kids are in trouble? Ah forget it; so, Gamera helps them out and proceeds to lead them towards Earth, when the space ship zooms off somewhere, ditching the giant turtle.

So, the spaceship crashes somewhere and two boys discover that they are on some new planet. As soon as they get out, they are attacked by a… remote control pterodactyl monster! Ok, it is really a giant pterodactyl monster named Gaos (Wrong movie…) that lives on this planet and likes to cause problems with its laser breath. Then a giant rino monster (That would be Gurion) with a knife for a head shows up and starts attacking the bird thingy. I can’t make this stuff up people, even if I try.

After this random event, Akio and Tommy snoop around a random alien house. Personally, I would have hightail it back to the spaceship and tried to fly myself out of this crazy area, but I lack that certain curiosity that little kids have. They soon stumble across a control room where two spandex looking chicks, with capes and antennas on their heads, show up. For an advance alien race, they are wearing what looks like bad Halloween costumes. The two space ladies, named Barbella and Florella (More of fairy names than alien names), explain to the boys their current situation and where they are.

To sum it up, these two ladies belonged to an advance civilization that control all of nature and all of the monsters on the planet of Terra. Unfortunately, science advances too far and chaos theory comes into play, which brings us to having a bunch of the monsters uncontrollable, forcing the entire planet’s population (outside of them) to flee. Now these two ladies are all that remain and are just trying to survive using Guiron as a weapon. The boys offer to take them back to Earth using the spaceship and the ladies agree. Doesn’t this strike the boys odd though? If the ladies really wanted to leave, they could have done so earlier with that ship! IT’S A TRAP!

My assumption is correct and it turns out that the ladies are planning to eat the boys as their rations on the way to Earth. Anyways, they dope up the kids’ food with sleeping drugs and the two of them pass out. Meanwhile, Gamera is on the way to save the little idiots from their doom, because their intelligence, logic, or common sense will not save them. Seriously, these kids set the bar low on children’s brainpower levels.

As the alien chicks are about to cut open Akio’s brain, Gamera shows up and forces them to send out Guiron to take it out. The two monsters get into a fight that involves throwing stars, icicles, fire breath, and other things. Gamera is knocked out for a while and the two kids have to save themselves for a while once they realize the alien ladies are actually villains. However, their stupidity gets the best of them yet again and they end up needing Gamera to save their butts once more.

They call on him to come help them and also accidently release Guiron from its lair with a dart gun. Guiron then comes out and attacks the alien space ladies as they repair the spaceship. Florella ends up dead, but Barbella is still on the loose and so is Guiron, who attacks the building that Akio and Tommy are trapped in. Gamera shows up and attacks Guiron. The two once again throw down in a wild fight scene (It looks like the giant turtle is humping the knife monster at one point).

Gamera gets the upper hand in the fight. He then flies Guiron into the atmosphere and piledrives the monster into the ground, sticking its head in the dirt. The kids fire missiles at it, but miss (Did you expect anything less given them?). However Gamera grabs one of the missed missiles and tosses it into Guiron, blowing the monster in two. Also, one of the missed missiles hits Barbella… I think. I’m not sure, but she ends up dead.

With this all done, Gamera repairs the spaceship (How?) and flies the kids back home. The kids reunite with their parents, the government learns of a new planet, and everybody is happy. We also get some moral that I could’ve learn from some other film that it is a million times better. Then again, what other movie features giant turtle fighting a giant kitchen knife?

Now that was a really bad movie, but yet was so awesome and hilariously bad. The dubbing, the special effects, and a continuous amount of illogical moments that are even too abstract for monster movie. All of this, however, makes the film a real blast to watch and laugh about. Then again, these facts also make the movie a little hard to watch or to take serious as a good giant monster film. Regardless, Gamera and b-movie fans will get a kick out of it. It is really one of those movies you have to experience for yourself to fully understand it.

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