Sunday, November 8, 2009

Movie Review: Robot Holocaust

Robot Holocaust
Rated R
Skull
Copyright Empire Pictures 1986

THE CHARACTERS

Neo: He is the poor man’s hero for this movie. He is genetically able to breathe in the poison gas world and he wants to free everyone of the Dark One’s control. Oh yeah, his father was killed beforehand, but this plot point should be forgotten as soon as this sentence ends.

Deeja: A girl and that’s it. That’s all you need to know. She is not the main love interest or really provides anything to this film, she is just a girl and she is just there.

Klyton: You know what? It is possible to find android that is even gayer and even more incompetent then C3PO. Somehow, he knows tons of useless information and provides most of the film’s exposition. His ability to not help and randomly screw up is what gets Kai killed.

Nyla: She is the leader of some random woman tribe and despises all men. Irony is that she ends up sacrificing her life to save Neo for some reason.

Kai: A poor guy that was caught by Nyla’s tribe to be used for breeding. Neo saves his life, but then robots kill him due to Klyton’s incompetence.

Bray & Haim: Random dudes that come along on the adventure to the Power Station and serve primarily as fodder. You don’t need to know anything other than that.

Jorn: He is Deeja’s father and created of some kind of thingy that make people immune to the poison air in the world. He is merged with the Dark One, becoming sort of like some evil fruit, and is then killed by Neo to be put out of his misery.

Valaria: A robot that looks like a human and is the Dark One’s second in command. Oh yeah, someone should have paid for her to get some acting lessons and who help her decide what her accent is. She is very lousily at getting anything done for the evil guy and is killed by Klyton.

Torque: Gees, Predator has never looked so lame before until now. He is the Dark One’s right hand man and is mostly invincible to every form of attack, until a sword cuts him down.

The Dark One: He is just some random disemboweled voice for most of the film that shouts commands and is the apparent dictator of everything. Near the end, it is shown that he has a fruit body apparently. He is… electrocuted to death.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Poison gas affects people sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t.
+ It is possible to choke a robot.
+ In the apocalyptic future where everything has been destroyed, skyscrapers will still stand tall.
+ Fashion sense will not exist in the future.
+ You can also breathe through your hair.
+ Daggers in the future are surprisingly plastic looking.
+ Warrior tribes wear fur coats, paint, and makeup in the far future.
+ Battle cries not impressive in the future.
+ Security forces for dark overlords are scaredy cats.
+ Cardboard tubes can kill a robot.
+ When you tightly hold onto the sharp edge of a sword, your palms will not cut or bleed.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
4 min – I’m guessing that weird guy, right?
6 min – I can see the actor’s neck underneath the costume.
12 min – For a wasteland, the world looks like it is in pretty good condition.
18 min – It is official, the movie is desperate to keep my attention.
21 min – The Dark One isn’t the only one losing patience.
23 min – Killer sock puppets!
24 min – Those monsters! They covered his neck in ketchup!
31 min – Tortures of the damn? Would one of those be this film?
42 min – Huh? How did you miss that?!
47 min – Padding! Lots and lots of padding!
50 min – How cruel of him to use cartoon electricity on her!
55 min – Where the hell were you keeping this stuff and why haven’t you mentioned this before?
61 min – This is the future; no one uses medieval weaponry.
63 min – You’re right. Life isn’t fair. If it were, this movie would have ended already.
64 min – Thanks a lot!
66 min – Talk about a 360!
67 min – (Reviewer is laughing uncontrollably)
70 min – Did I just miss a scene or something? Why do you not need them now?!
73 min – You shot a fireworks display!
75 min – Look bitch! Your father was basically just vegetation at that point! Did you want him to live like that for the rest of his life?!
Ending Credits – To everyone who was in this film, I HATE YOU ALL!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Neo: Sometimes people can be helped for no reason other than human charity.
Nyla: Men, you're all useless and crazy.

Klyton: Their labor fuels the power station. The station cleanses the atmosphere so that the workers can continue to fuel the power station.

THE PLOT

There isn’t much to say about this film in general before we begin. It appeared on an early episode of Mystery Science Theater and a porn director directed it. That's all you need to know. Well, there is one other thing. This movie sucks.

The film opens up with some brief narration about how the world was destroyed, poison gas has filled the entire atmosphere, and robots control everything. The narrator sounds completely bored out of his mind and I really feel that is foreshadowing for the quality of the film we are about to see. At some random warehouse, we see two dudes doing something that looks like amateur wrestling in the middle of a ring. The narrator jumps in and says that the Dark One sets up this event. He has two guys fight to the death and then kills the winner. Whatever, this scene only adds to the film’s padding problem.

We are then introduces to our lame hero named Neo and his even lamer sidekick Klyton, who will act as our horrendously bad comic relief for the film. We meet some of the villains, named Torque and Valaria, but like the rest of the cast that will be introduce in the film, they are not interesting. Anyways, Torque unleashes some invisible poison gas on the crowd watching the fight for reasons you or me don’t care about and then we discover that two people, other than Neo, are still standing. The people are Deeja and Jorn, a father and daughter. Jorn created some kind of device, which goes into your hair and prevents you from suffocating on the gas (Don’t ask). Torque takes Jorn away to be interrogated by the Dark One, because he does not understand why he is able to breathe. He doesn’t take Deeja because he must of missed the few moments when she was still standing and not fake acting like she was suffocating.

So Neo then reveals to Deeja that he is a part of some group of people immune to the poison gas in the world that are trying to overthrow the robot overlords and the Dark One. Hmm… a group of rebels are trying to defeat a robot menace that has completely taken over the world? I heard this somewhere before, but I can’t think of the name. Oh well, probably nothing. So, he takes Deeja, Klyton, Bray, and Haim (How can those two guys even breathe? They don’t even have any of those hair thingys!) to the Power Station, so that they can defeat the Dark One. I don’t know why Neo doesn’t get anyone else to help despite saying that he is a part of a rebel group that was trying to defeat the evil one! Logic? What’s that?

The group wanders around a wasteland (AKA, Central Park according to a sign that pass that looks pretty new) and they run into Nyla’s tribe of women warriors who are about to kill a man named Kai. After a brief and pointless fight (won’t be the last one) with Haim, Nyla ends up joining the group because Neo prevented Haim from killing her or something. Also, Kai joins as well, but he won’t be important at all in this film.

We then get some kind of… ah… nude moment with Valaria…. Yeah, you may think this would actually make the movie bearable for a bit right? WRONG!!! This movie sucks out (No pun intended) any possible enjoyment before we can get to this scene!!!! Plus, if the movie does something like this, I can assume the movie is desperately trying to keep the audience from trying to see a much better movie.

So, after that pointless scene, we get yet again another pointless scene! Hooray! I’ll skip ahead to a scene that actually matters, since why should I spread the pain around? We skip ahead to where the group is attacked by a group of people with bad costumes and bad makeup jobs, which are supposed to be mutants. The zombies from the original Dawn of the Dead looked more convincing! The mutants kill Haim, the group fights them off, and then they proceeds to run away.

Skipping more pointless scenes, the group arrives at secret entrance to the Power Station that is conveniently labeled for them on a nice red sign. So much for secret. The group moves through the tunnel system leading up to the station and encounters a couple of random problems, including Deeja being attack by a furry puppet arm called the Beast, which really just mildly annoys her.

The group stops to rest for the night, because apparently the Power Station and Dark One can’t monitor them during the middle of the night. All the good reason to keep going when the enemies are not even watching!!! The group rests for the night while Bray wanders off on his own for no reason other than to get killed by a random sock puppet monster. The group finds him, kills the sock puppet, mumbles about it, and moves on yet again. They handle things rather well.

They break into the Power Station and start fighting the Dark One’s forces, while Valaria kidnaps Deeja. A Guard Bot kills Kai, Neo gets into a very long fight with Torque, Klyton kills Valaria, and Nyla is killed trying to protect Neo. After that, Deeja finds out that her father (Remember him?) has been merged with the Dark One… for some reason unclear to us. Also, apparently the Dark One is some kind of evil fruit judging by the looks of him. Completely intimidating! If it seems to you like I am speeding through, I am. The movie is close to finish and really, none of what happens is important!

So after getting his butt kicked for a good 10 minutes by Torque, Neo lucks out and kills him. He then finds out about what happened to Jorn. Neo kills him to put him out of his misery, which also kills the Dark One by the way. Deeja get all angry with him killing her dad (Personally, I wouldn’t want my dad to live the rest of his life as a fruit) and demands that Neo leaves her alone. So, he and Klyton walk off into Central Park… the wasteland. The film then just peters off from there, finally bringing an end to this s**t.

This film was terrible, plain and simple. There was no acting talent; the film director merely stole all his plot devices, story development, and the story itself from better movies; the setting and sets are a joke (No matter how many times you say it, Central Park does not look like a wasteland!); there were tons and tons of plot holes littered throughout the film; and there was too much padding and scenes that contributed nothing to the film!

What I think was the major problem with the film was not the lack of excitement, how strangely boring it was, the weak story, or even that fact that film was badly made in general. The film just wasn’t interesting! The film lacks any ability to keep you watching, even with some of the semi-decent fight scenes. Overall, the film is crap and the director should just stick with making his porn. I bet you 10 bucks that his porn is just as bad and uninteresting as this film was!

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