Monday, February 1, 2010

Movie Review: Kong Island

Kong Island
Unrated
1 Slime
Copyright Three Star Films 1968

THE CHARACTERS

Burt Dawson: Brad Harris! Our suave hero who says he doesn’t like firearms, despite carrying around guns for a lot of the scenes in the film. Not much of hero though, since most people around him are killed.

Diana: Our damsel in distressed and nothing else. Doesn’t provide much for the film like everyone else, but at least she is pretty.

Eva: A girl raised by gorillas (Only know that because I read about it online) who likes to giggle a lot. Provides nothing for this film outside of being a guide.

Ursula: Theodore’s wife. Nothing else is important about her. Killed by Albert.

Robert: Diana’s brother, possible poacher, and tool of Turk. Killed by Turk as well.

Theodore: Albert’s financial backer and someone of little importance. Shot by his wife.

Forrester: An Interpol agent who provides squat to this film. Stabbed to death by natives.

Turk: Mercenary with a grude that works for Albert. He's more of the main villian than Albert is. Neck snapped by Burt.

Albert Muller: Marc Lawrence! An ex-mercenary turn mad scientist who plans on conquering the world using radio transmitters, starting first with gorillas. Killed off screen by said gorillas.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Blood and sweat look the same.
+ Inside of a gorilla is red paint.
+ Operating rooms sound like the inside of a UFO.
+ Poaching is consider hunting unusual game.
+ Leopard and lion clubs play together.
+ Gorillas move quickly and quietly.
+ Gorillas walk on two feet the majority of the time.
+ A dead body will not decompose or attract wildlife for several days in Africa.
+ Shotguns can be use as sniper rifles.
+ A guy can take a shot to the gut from a shotgun and show no signs of injury.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – Sounds like ghosts are singing.
6 min – Ah… what’s going on?
12 min – Funky.
20 min – Countryside, Savanna, countryside, and Savanna again!
29 min – Watch out! Guys in a gorilla costumes!
38 min – Is that John Wayne!?
52 min – Am I missing something here? Where did those natives come from?
62 min – I don’t know what’s going on.
64 min – Sir that only works if you implant your radios in them.
75 min – How do they even know each other?
80 min – I wish things made sense.
81 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A THINGAMABOB!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Albert Muller: [to Burt Dawson] You're an excellent specimen of the human race - strong, clever, brave. That's why I've chosen you for my first experiment on a human being. You'll have the honor of being the first man to become my slave.

THE PLOT

According to the plot on the back of the DVD case this movie was in, this film is about a team of scientists coming to Kong Island in order to make the gorillas into slaves using mind control devices implanted in them. Then they’ll have an army to conquer the world, but a descendant of King Kong will come to cause them trouble. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. I hate it when DVD cases lie to me.

The film begins with mercenaries attacking a random jeep carrying 300,000 bucks. I don’t know why the guys in the jeep were carrying that much loot around in the middle of nowhere and in such an unprotected vehicle. A huge truck might have been more suitable. So, one of the guys shoots the other two involved in the robbery and takes off with the cash.

After a quick credit sequence, we come to two surgeons performing some sort of surgery. Don’t know what is happening since no one talks or says anything for a good 5 minutes. Even after the surgery ends and we find out they are operating on a gorilla (alright, a guy in a gorilla costume), this still raises more questions than answers.

From there, we meet our main character, Burt Dawson, at some random hotel or inn looking for a guy called Albert Muller. Nothing really happens then for a couple of minutes until later during some dance off, where we are treated to tons of shots of people dancing around badly. During the shindig, Burt sees some guy called Turk, who is a friend of Albert.

Burt follows Turk outside the place, where he is ambushed by a couple of goons. He fights them all off, shrugs it off, and then plans on joining his friends on a poaching expedition. Are you kidding me? The guys attacked you with machetes and planned to behead you. Aren’t you even worried that Turk will attack you again?

The next day, our hunting expedition drives around the Savanna, looking at lots of stock footage, and arrives at an area to hunt. They plan on hunting… something; the dialogue wasn’t clear enough to understand. So the group wanders around for a while, doing nothing and shooting at any poor leopard that crosses their path for a good 7 minutes. Where are these brainwashed gorillas?

Here they are! A bunch of gorillas show up and kidnap Diana, the female hunter in the group. The gorillas scare away the hunters and Turk shows up to deliver a message to Robert, Diana’s brother. He has to do something in order to get her back safely. Again, the sound craps out and I can’t hear a single thing of his evil demands.

Robert tells Burt about the situation and asks him for his help to get her back. Burt agrees upon hearing Turk is involved and after some money is offered (mercenaries aren’t cheap you know). So, Burt and Robert take off in a canoe to track down Diana. While this is happening, we are treated to footage from the Discovery Channel of crocodiles, hippos, and boas. Despite that things seem to be happening in this film, it feels like nothing is happening at all.

The adventurers arrive back at the camp and will start their search from there. However, things are not what they seem. Apparently, Robert had brought Burt out here to be captured by Turk in exchange for his sister back! Wow, something happened! I just wished there was a story of sorts to go with this shocking development.

The group then heads off again, encountering stock footage while being stalked unknowingly by a guy in a cowboy hat and a jungle woman for about 8 minutes. The movie kicks back in thankfully when cowboy hat guy gets attacked by some more gorillas. Burt saves the guy and it turns out that the man is an Interpol agent called Forrester. Apparently he is looking for this Albert character too, who was involved in that jeep robbery back at the beginning of the film. Albert had shot Burt back then for the money so we may now have a story. Just where does the monkeys fall into it?

Suddenly, Burt and Forrester then discover that Robert has been attacked. He explains the whole thing to the two of them about everything before Turk, out of nowhere, shoots and kills the guy! From what I can tell, Turk only had a shotgun on him, so I am confused about how he attacked Robert beforehand without making a noise, or even how he was able to snipe the guy with a shotgun from a great distance.

Burt and Forrester are then captured by a native tribe for various and unclear reasons. They then release the two of them so they hunt them and in less than a minute, they kill Forrester… so what was the point of having this guy in the film in anyways? Burt escapes and flees to somewhere. I would like to stop this review for a moment and point out we are about 56 minutes in an 84 minute movie. Has the plot gone anywhere in a while outside of random padding and characters that add nothing to this film?

Burt stops for a minute to rest by some water and then runs into the jungle lady that has been following him for most of the film. They don’t talk or seem to do anything in this scene outside of giving each other glances. After basically 6 minutes of nothing, they separate and go their own ways. Don’t know what we have accomplished here and I still know squat about anything in the plot.

The film sluggishly continues forward and Burt and jungle lady meet once more. Burt decides to call her Eva and tries communicating with her. He gets somewhere with her when he asks her about Diana and if Eva has seen where she has been taken to.

Cutting from that, we finally meet the evil Albert in his jungle HQ. He has Diana brought before him by one of his monkey servants. He explains to her that he implants radio like receivers in the gorillas’ heads so that they can pick up his radio signals, which allows him to command and control them. Why does he do this? He is a mad scientist of course so basically, why not?

With this, it sounds like we finally have a complete story and we now understand where these gorillas fit into all of this. However, we got less than 20 minutes left in the film and basically I think we could have made this revelation a bit earlier if the film could have got rid of all the Discovery Channel footage.

Eva takes Burt to Albert’s secret headquarters, where Albert greets him with an evil monologue over a intercom system. How does one set up an intercom or even a laboratory in the jungle without a clear source of electricity? Turk then attacks Burt and the two of them get into a big fight. Burt takes him out, but Albert captures Eve and locks her up.

Suddenly, Theodore, Diana’s father, shows up and holds Albert at gunpoint. Where the hell did he come from!? The guy holds the mad scientist at gunpoint, angry about him locking up his daughter and killing his son. Theodore has him release his daughter, but then he is shot by his wife, Ursula, who is leaving him for Albert. Makes no sense, but let’s just run with it.

Ursula then holds Diana at gunpoint, planning on killing her next. Eva attacks Ursula to save Diana and then Albert shoots Ursula. Alright then, I can see we are wrapping things up here pretty quickly. Burt shows up then (He needs to hustle next time in order to save people) to rescue the two girls, but is then attacked by Albert’s gorilla servants.

Diana tells him to shoot Albert’s radio transmitter thingy to stop the ape mind control and he does so; with a shotgun, 20 feet away from the thing, while wrestling with two gorillas at the time, and only leaving one hole in the machine. Right…

The gorillas then go attack and kill Albert after being free from his control. Strange though, whatever happened to his shotgun he was holding just before they attacked him? He should have been able to defend himself then. Whatever, film closes out with Burt and Diana leaving in a motorboat (Don’t ask me where it and the river itself magically spawned from) for civilization, while Eva watches them go.

Like I said at the beginning, this entire movie does not match up (Well most of it) with the description I got on the DVD case. Also, the film is called Kong Island, but the plot is about people and we are in Africa somewhere. Stupid movie.

The film is just unremarkable in every sense of the word. There is basically no plot for the majority of the film and almost nothing happens as well. There’s just a lot of stock footage and padding instead. Also, editing, sound, and picture quality leave something to be desired.

Though I suppose the settings that were shown (The scenes without stock footage) were alright and the guys in horrible looking gorilla costumes were amusing. Still, this film is just dull for a movie about mind controlled gorillas.

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