Saturday, February 27, 2010

Movie Review: Samurai Cop

Samurai Cop
Rated R
3 Slimes
Copyright Hollywood Royal Pictures 1989

THE CHARACTERS

Joe Marshall: Now this guy has a mullet! He’s called the Samurai Cop, but no one really knows why. He is also a ladies’ man, but I don’t know understand why. Maybe it’s the mullet.

Frank Washington: Your typical black cop found in most movies. Cracks a lot of jokes and shoots a lot of people. Not much defining characteristics other than that.

Jennifer: She is owner of the Blue Lagoon restaurant where the Katanas hang out. She and Joe end up as a couple at the end of the film.

Peggy: A never seen such a horny and disgusting female police officer before she came along. It may sound mean, but she is, without a doubt, a whore. She has a pretty bad encounter with bacon grease later in the movie.

Fuijyama: Head of the Katana Gang who strangely reminds me of a motorcycle cop. He’s hard to understand most of the time so I am puzzled how his own men are able to understand what he is saying. He’s shot to death by Frank.

Yamashita: Robert Z’Dar! One of the men in charge of the Katana Gang who likes to think he is a samurai, despite him obviously not being Japanese. I surprised he wasn’t arrest in this film since there was plenty of evidence against him. He commits suicide after being defeated by Joe.

Red Head: Yamashita’s girlfriend and another member of the Katana Gang. Shot by Joe.

Okamura: One of the higher ranking members of the Katana Gang. He’s shot by Joe.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ A shot to the gut or heart only mildly annoys some people.
+ You need someone to tell you to shoot a person when that person is already shooting at you.
+ Vans explode into flames when they lightly touch something.
+ Girlfriends' don’t mind it when their boyfriends talks about making nookie with someone else.
+ When people are beheaded, they make gurgling noises.
+ Katanas can cut through bone easily.
+ Submachine guns can also fire paintball bullets.
+ Grenades have 2 functions: Explode and Release a Gas Bomb.
+ When thugs have nothing to do, they play Go Fish.
+ Bacon grease is an effective torture weapon.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – He looks like that guy from Reno 911.
5 min – If you can see them from that angle, you are way too close to the ground.
10 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST RANDOMLY PLACED BOXES!
17 min – Yamashita: Peace out!
19 min – Did some pages of a porno get mixed into the script by any chance?
23 min – Sir you are security.
32 min – I don’t know whether to laugh or applaud that speech you made.
36 min – My God! He’s shooting them all with a paintball gun! That fiend!
37 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAR!
44 min – He tripped on nothing.
48 min – He’s got Defender, the arcade unit? Lucky.
58 min – That isn’t inconspicuous at all.
68 min – I got nothing… this scene speaks for itself.
73 min – Hey, that’s a completely different house now.
79 min – He’s milking his death for all its worth.
80 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WHISKY BOTTLE, A LAMP, AND A TV!
89 min – Ah… where is everyone? They keep changing location.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Yamashita: I will bring you his head and place it on that piano!

Nurse: (To Joe) Have you been circumcised?

Joe: (To Mr. Fujiyama) Now I’m telling these son of bitches, that we respect the Japanese of this country who are honest businessmen. And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business; Not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets. Now I’m telling these m***********s if they continue killing our children to make their precious millions they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts; Counselor, before your lawsuit even gets on the law clerk’s desk, I’ll have their stinkin’ bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer. GOT IT?! And you too!

Frank: The chief's gonna burn my ass.
Joe: Yeah he’s going to burn it, charcoal black.
Frank: It is black.
Joe: (Both do a low five) Right on!

Joe: If ya hear shootin’, come a runnin’.

THE PLOT

My last encounter with the big chin man known as Robert Z’Dar in a movie wasn’t really… pleasant.  Anyways, while researching that movie, I came across this one and wow! This movie is certianly something else. Possibly one of the worst buddy cop movies ever or perhaps the most hilariously bad action movie ever made. We’ll decide that after our feature presentation.

After the opening credits, we meet a Japanese gang called the Katanas, who are discussing the future. They want to merge their gang with a Chinese gang, but someone is standing in their way. Who is it? I couldn’t honestly say, the dubbing is pretty awful and sounds like they are groaning instead of talking, except for Yamashita.

The Katanas go meet with a man name Mr. Lee and his men to discuss about combining forces with each other. Mr. Lee refuses, so Yamashita pulls out a wooden dagger and stabs him. Then everyone breaks into a huge fight scene. I love how during the fight, one guy gets shot in the gut, but still keeps throwing roundhouse kicks at his opponents like the shot was nothing.

Cutting away from them, we meet the cop duo of Joe Marshall and Frank Washington, who are working on busting some drug dealers of the Katana Gang. They follow the dealers around on the ground while they have another cop in a helicopter, named Peggy, track the dealers from above.

They follow the dealers to a drop off point near the marina, where a bunch of guys on a boat are waiting for them. After the deal is made, Peggy follows the men in the boat while Joe and Frank go after the drug dealers in their van. They get into a high speed chase (Alright it was really just the film fast-forwarding to make it look like a high speed chase) with the crooks and chase them throughout the area, destroying cardboard boxes, running people down, and shooting at each with air rifles & pelt guns.

So after killing all the goons and badly burning the getaway driver in an explosion, how does Joe celebrate a… sort of victory? Why by having nookie with Peggy. Eww… Anyways, we cut back to the Katana Gang who are discussing the recent incident. The head boss guy tells Yamashita that he wants the getaway driver dead so he can’t talk and he also wants Joe taken out as well because he heard people calling the guy a samurai! Don’t know what makes Joe a samurai and it is never made clear during the entire film.

Joe and Frank go to the hospital to check on the getaway driver to see how he is doing. The nurse tells them he won’t be able to talk for a couple of weeks and then randomly and I do mean randomly, the nurse starts hitting on Joe. The two of them carry out one of the oddest dialogues that I have ever heard in a movie and after they are all done talking, I feel sort of dirty.

The pair leaves just as Yamashita and Red Head (Female bad girl with no name) sneak into the room. There, they cut the guy’s head off and actually get away with it.  The hospital needed much better security guards or police guards to protect this guy. The police chief yells at Joe and Frank for providing extremely lousy security for the patient and also for getting the officers hurt. Though I don’t recall seeing any of them losing their hands like the captain mentioned.

Joe and Frank head to the restaurant, Blue Lagoon, to confront Mr. Fujiyama, the head of the Katana gang, about everything. When they get there, they also meet the rest of the Katana Gang, including Yamashita and Red Head. Technically, they can arrest both Yamashita and Red Head because the people they attacked when escaping the hospital are all still alive and they could make a positive ID of them as the two suspects that hurt everyone. Why the cops don’t arrest them is beyond me. Anyways, then Joe gives the greatest speech I have ever heard to the villains about turning them into Japanese fertilizer (Look at the quote section to read it!). It is… pure epic.

So the cops leave the restaurant and run into some trouble with Yamashita. He has some his baddies go attack the two of them (Where were those guys anyways? I didn’t see them in the restaurant.) and it leads to one of the best moments in the film. One of the guys attacks Joe with a katana and Frank shoots him. The bullet wound in the guy looks like he was actually shot with a paintball gun.

Yamashita gets pissed off about this and pulls out a submachine gun; I wonder where he was hiding that? He then starts shooting and killing all his men so they can’t talk. I love how the gun fires both paintball bullets and real bullets during the time and also how the good guys allow Yamashita to take his time reloading his gun. After shooting at a car for a while, Yamashita tosses a grenade (!) and escapes. Why was he carrying a grenade around?

To get some more information about the gang, Joe goes talk to the restaurant owner, Jennifer, who was dinning with the Katana Gang earlier. She doesn’t offer much information, no matter how much he pesters her, so he leaves. Once he leaves, four goons try to jump him, but he kicks their butts.  One of the goons he captures tells him that a guy named Okamura, one of higher members of the Katanas, hired them to kill him.

Joe and Frank go to Okamura’s house to arrest him and now hopefully build a strong case against the Katanas. They break into the place and they get into a large shoot-out with the guy's thugs. Joe chases after Okamura and they both get into a large fight, during which, the landscape changes amusingly and they keep making these weird noises as they beat each other up. Joe manages to defeat the guy, but when Frank tries to arrest him, Okamura grabs his gun. Joe is then forced to kill him and they have yet again lost another lead.

The Katanas are getting frustrated with these constant attacks on their gang, so they call for some guys from New York to beat up some of the police forces. Strangely enough, they try to kill Joe, despite the fact that they are being paid not to do so. Joe kills all the guys coming after him and then we randomly cut away to the Red Head and Yamashita getting it on. Padding!

After that… pointless scene, we cut back to Joe talking to Jennifer again for some more information. He talks her back to his place for what I bet will lead to some boom chicka wah wah in a later scene. However, the Katana Gang hears about there meeting and has some of their men go to kill them. The problem is though… they don’t know where Joe is.  I… can’t explain it. They are a big and powerful Yakuza gang with lots of money and plenty of connections, but they can’t figure out where Joe lives? I shake my head in disappointment of these guys.

So the evil gang goes around and messes with some people to find out where Joe lives. While they are doing that, Joe and Jennifer are making out on the beach and also end up doing it (I KNEW IT!). I don’t know why since they basically known each other for less than probably 3 hours total and know nothing about each other.

Back to the gang, two guys try to threat Frank for info, but he kills both of them. Yamashita and his men capture and torture Peggy with bacon grease… yeah I know. What really is interesting is how the frying pan with the grease in it magically keeps refilling. The guys get their information from her and head off to get Joe. Frank calls him and warns him just in time as the bad guys arrive. Joe kills one of them and takes off with Jennifer, leaving Yamashita in the dust.

Jennifer returns back to her restaurant (which is owned by the bad guys by the way) and is promptly captured by Mr. Fujiyama. What I question here is why Joe didn’t take her back to the police station, where he went next by the way. Wouldn’t she be safer there, especially since the bad guys are after her?!

At the police station, the captain chews out Frank and Joe again about how they can’t arrest anybody with them being dead. Look here moron, they have plenty and I mean PLENTY of evidence and eyewitnesses for them to arrest at least Yamashita and the Red Head, but no! You fail to see that! Anyways, the captain now orders them to kill all members of the gang. Interesting approach for law enforcement to deal with a problem…

So Joe and Frank storm the bad guy’s HQ and shoot it out with the thugs. After blowing through pretty much everyone, they confront Fujiyama as he holds Jennifer hostage. He forces them to drop their guns and he shoots Frank. However, the moment he lets go of Jennifer, Frank gets back up and shoots him dead. Apparently Frank was the only one smart enough to wear a bullet proof vest in this entire film.

With Fujiyama dead, the two cops have to finally deal with Yamashita, the last guy left. They storm his cabin and blow through all his guards, killing Red Head along the way. Yamashita confronts Joe and challenges him to a sword fight, to prove if he is really a samurai. Yeah, these guys will settle things in a sword fight. Personally, I just say you shoot the guy and call it a day, but Joe apparently will actually duel him.

So the two of fight it out with katanas while doing some poses and showing off their skills as well. After about less than a minute, they say screw it and basically duke it out in a fist fight. So no need to prove you’re a samurai then, huh Joe? Ok, they then go back to fighting with sword and then less than a minute once more, they are fist fighting again. I am missing something here? What does this have to do with being a samurai?

So Joe beats him and Yamashita wants Joe to kill him, since he wants to die with honor because he is a samurai or something. Joe is about to, but Frank reminds him that he is a cop (Makes no sense that would stop him since he pretty much killed everyone without showing restraint). Yamashita then stabs himself with a knife to die honorably I guess. The movie then ends with Joe and Jennifer making out on a beach. Probably after he was stripped of his badge for basically every illegal thing he did of course.

Man, this movie is bad in almost every meaning of the word, but yet, some of the awful stuff is just great. Action scenes are pretty hilarious with use of paintball guns and air rifles for shoot outs or the cartoon sound effects used for the hand to hand combat. The dialogue is badly written and a lot of the dubbing is terrible, but it makes the experience pure entertainment with the corny lines and weird speeches people give. As such with the bad dubbing, the acting is pretty pathetic as well, especially when people are killed, but even with that, it makes the movie goofier than what you expect and more enjoyable.

What does hurt the film, however, is a lot of the scenes. There are a lot of things that happen, but yet a lot of them do not make sense or seem rather pointless in the long run, like how the Katanas are trying to merge with the Chinese gangs.  It’s never really mention again after the movie passes the 10 minute mark. Another thing that hurts the film is a lot of the plot holes and goofs. When an officer and his wife are killed in one scene, their deaths are never brought up and we don’t know if anyone finds out what happen to them. There is also interesting bit of dialogue where Joe says that Peggy is his number one girl, but he ends up with Jennifer at the end of the film. What happened there? Did he forget about her or has he just moved on?

Either way, the film is terrible, but in a good way. The film never really drags on and is a blast to watch with how terrible it is. Samurai Cop definitely worth a watch or two if you ever get the chance to see it.

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