Friday, March 19, 2010

Movie Review: In Search of the Titanic

In Search of the Titanic/ Tentacolino
Unknown Rating
Skull
Copyright Mono Cinema Distribuzione 2002

THE CHARACTERS

Connors: A sailor mouse and that’s all you need to know. He is extremely underdeveloped as a character in this movie unlike the first one. Interesting to note is that this movie completely messes with his continuity set by the first film.

Brazil: Connors brother-in-law (Although that isn’t mention in the film) that must be taking estrogen pills because he is really starting to act and sound like a girl. It’s kind of creepy and the long eyelashes certainly aren’t helping his… or should I say her side.

Elizabeth: A completely codependent person who never makes decisions for herself. Her husband does that for her and as such, she never questions any of the things that happen in the movie or the big picture.

Jack: A complete and selfish prick who doesn’t seem to get the picture that he is trapped in Atlantis forever and was given the Elixir of Life without his constant. Heck, when his dog Lassie questions the situation and says he wouldn’t want to live down here, Jack here pretty much tells him to STFU. So yeah, big character difference since the first movie.

Smiley: I’m stilling him Lassie; I do not care what they call him. Like everyone, doesn’t seem to realize the big picture with Atlantis. He has opposable thumbs, can fire laser guns, and he falls in love with a fluffy dog. Nothing else about him is important.

Pingo, aka Whitey Spring Fish: He has a name, but I like my name better. I believe he is gay and I don’t care what other people say about him, he is GAY! He is the film equivalent of Jar Jar Binks to say the least. On the other hand, Jar Jar never sang a techno song.

King of Atlantis: He is sort of like Gaia from Captain Planet. An all powerful being, who can basically solve and stop problems that are going on, but he lets other people to it for him instead.

Citizens of Atlantis: Let’s see here, we have Cowgirl Nurse, Captain Fish Planet, a red dolphin, a rock monster with the face of Nixon, an aquatic version of Tesse from Jack and Daxter, a transvestite Scottish toy, and many other weird and strange things.

Tentacles: He is sort of there and really plays no big part in this film, despite one of the alternate titles of this movie being called Tentacolino for some reason.

Leader Rat: He is in charge of the rat rebels who want to somehow take over the world with the Elixir of Life. He is branded crazy and thrown into the loony bin at the end of the film.

Hooky Rat and China: Hooky rat is a rat with a hook for a hand and China is a basically a stereotyped Chinese rat. Both of them take part in the plan to somehow conquer the Earth, but end up going insane for some unknown reason at the end of the film.

Eye-Patch Man: He is 20 years longer for some reason and I don’t think he plays much of a role in this film, unlike the first one. Too bad, he was sort of the only interesting from the first film.

Mr. Ice/Razortooth/Razorteeth: He has many names, but I’ll just call him Mr. Ice like usual. He is the rapping and strong leader of a gang of sharks that are often hired out to sink ships. Despite the first 20 minutes, he really has no impact on the story.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ People talk without moving their mouths.
+ Sea creatures have territories.
+ Sharks hate the color yellow.
+ Some bubbles float downward.
+ People can whistle underwater.
+ Lava can exist underwater.
+ Dogs have thumbs and can shoot laser pistols.
+ In Atlantis, screwdrivers are banned.
+ Submarines can be fashioned out of large barrels.
+ Laser beams can hurt a shark, but not a mouse.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – My God, the animation still hasn’t improved in 3 years since movie number 1!
3 min – These aren’t the same voice actors as before.
4 min – Bad CGI ahoy!
5 min 23 sec – FREEZE FRAME! The fish are having a seizure from the bad rapping!
5 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! Why must a shark rap?
8 min – SHUT UP!!!!!
11 min – Hey, where are the pieces of cable that were in his teeth?
14 min – WTF.
20 min – Wow, Atlantis never looked lamer.
23 min – Again, WTF.
26 min – The dog has no eyes.
28 min – That dog has opposable thumbs!
31 min – They never talked you idiot. What are you smoking?
33 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
34 min – Not going to get tired of saying this, WTF!?
38 min – I got nothing. This speaks for itself.
42 min – Somehow, dogs are luckier in love than I am.
62 min – If he could really see and hear all, he should have known about this rebel plot a long time ago!
63 min – The dog is shooting a laser gun…
73 min – But, but, but, but…!
73 min 42 sec – FREEZE FRAME! There is no outline around the king’s hand!
78 min – But he hates screwdrivers!!! Why is he holding onto one?!
81 min – Isn’t that Never Land?
86 min – I’m curious about how they all went coo-koo.
87 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
90 min – My pray has been answered! The movie is over! Hallelujah!

NOTABLE QUOTES

Mr. Ice: (From his rapping) Yo, yo, yo. Look at my teeth. They are so sharp and white as me. Look at my teeth. Once they shit, I make no error.

Jack: (To Elizabeth about her concerns over the mysterious drink) This elixir is such a pretty color. Come on, drink!

THE PLOT

Hey kids, have ever watched The Legend of the Titanic and thought to yourself, “Man, what a movie! I wonder if there is a sequel out there, because that would be awesome!” If you have thought that before, you are a complete moron. Yes everyone, there was a sequel to that film called In Search of the Titanic.

Like previously mentioned before in the last review, I mention I couldn’t find any information about that first movie and the same thing happened when researching this movie. I have theorized that these movies are so bad that the Internet and the whole world refuses to acknowledge their existence. Ok, that may not be the truth and it is more likely that really no one knows about these films. Well I suppose it is time to expose the truth and reveal to everyone the horror that is In Search of the Titanic. By the way, this film really isn’t about the Titanic.

The film begins 3 years later after the boat sank. We find a boat in the middle of the sea, where a crew is lowering a bathysphere into the water. By the way, let’s have a quick history lesson. Bathyspheres were first designed in 1928, this movie is supposedly happening in 1915. Great, as if this movie series wasn’t already extremely inaccurate, but this won’t be the worst of it folks.

The bathysphere is dropped into the water and starts descending down to the bottom of the sea. Our crew aboard our mini sub is none other than Elizabeth, Jack, Connors, Brazil, and Lassie (I know Jack, Brazil, and Lassie have different names, but I still don’t give a crap what you call them) and my God, has the voice acting gotten even worse. Brazil and Connors sound like girls, Lassie doesn’t have his English accent anymore, and Jack… I’m not going to even comment about it. It is a sad sight indeed when a sequel couldn’t get people to reprise their roles.

The team is, I think, looking for the Titanic. After all, that’s what the title of the movie is called. However, they run into some trouble from a shark gang (No, not a gang of sharks, a shark gang!) that belongs to Mr. Ice, the shark from the last film. The sharks don’t like the fact that these people are in their territory and decide to beat up on the vessel. Strangely, our characters are adamant about this, thinking that the pounding is just underwater currents. Right, because underwater currents make pounding sounds, ram against a sub on all sides, and look like sharks. Come on you fools! You have windows in this thing! You can tell it’s sharks doing this!

Ok, the film was doing below average so far, but then it completely fails when the most horrible, unimaginable, and evil thing happens next. A shark starts rapping. Yes people, a shark starts rapping about how scaring he is and how sharp his teeth are, while oysters provide backup vocals. To be fair, it makes more sense than the rapping dog in Legend Goes On, but this song… is horrid, longer, and is whiter than Vanilla Ice. The thing that gets me though about the song, at one point, I think the sharp raps, ‘Once they shit, I make no error’. What the f**k people?

After you finish ripping out your ear drums, one of the sharks from earlier goes to talk with the rapping shark, who is Mr. Ice. The shark tells him about the bathysphere descending down to the wreck of the Titanic. Since the thing is in his territory and it is yellow, he wants to sink the thing. What I find weird is that aren’t sharks suppose to be color blind or something?

The sharks now have immobilized the sub; not that this is scaring anyone in the sub by the way. Connors actually seems really excited and overjoyed that they are trapped (Nothing like bad acting)! Ok then… the sharks, when Mr. Ice arrives, all decide to cut the lines attaching the bathysphere to the boat above. Amusingly, there are no sound effects at all for this scene.

The bathysphere sinks to the ocean floor and the people pass out inside. However, Tentacles from the previous film, who sounds even more pathetic, happens to be passing by and tries to take them back to the surface. However, he can’t move the thing, since it is stuck between two reefs. Are you kidding me? The octopus was strong enough to move gigantic icebergs and keep the Titanic from splitting into 2 in the last film, when did he become just a giant octopussy?

Things seem hopeless for our main characters until… Atlanteans show up. No, I’m not insane, I’m speaking the truth. There are Atlanteans in this movie and they appear to be riding aquatic My Little Ponies. What were the film makers smoking anyways? Since there isn’t enough air to get the people in sub back to the surface, the aqua people put air bubbles on the people’s heads and take them back to Atlantis.

Back to Mr. Ice, he sends a message using Morse Code with clams and Jellyfish (Don’t ask) to Eye-Patch man on a boat somewhere. I thought he froze to death and why does he look 20 years longer now? He gets the message delivered to him (Though the paper he gets is completely blank) and he seems happy about it. I’m not sure what is evil plan is now, but I think we’ll find out soon enough.

So the Atlanteans takes everyone back to the Atlantis to recuperate, while passing a couple of Atlantean submarines along the way. If they breathe and swim underwater without any trouble, especially from the pressure, why would they need submarines? At Atlantis (which looks nothing like any version I have seen), they are all taken to the hospital to be treated by a cowgirl fish nurse… yeah sure…

Meanwhile a red dolphin/killer whale is talking to a gay white fish attached to a spring (Which looks sort of like Flounder) and a rock creature with a face that reminds me of Nixon for some reason about the new arrivals. Ok, seriously people, what drug was the film makers taking… actually how many were they taking!? Whitey spring fish says that they should throw a party in celebration for them and immediately I begin thinking about that rapping dog. Please do not let that dog show up.

Ok, I’m going to take a moment to make sense of all of this, despite how insane and terrible the story is. The Atlanteans are now going to trick the group into drinking the Elixir of Life, making them immortal. With them being immortal, they cannot leave the city, which prevents them from telling other people about the existence of Atlantis. Now to break the news to them about this after they drink the elixir, they’ll have whitey spring fish tell the case and they figure that the people will become so overjoyed by the fact they’ll live forever that they will want to stay and party there, forgetting their real life above the surface. Whatever sense that makes I’ll never know.

By the way, the movie is called In Search of the Titanic. Has anyone been noticing that we haven’t been focusing or even talking about that ship for most of the film? I thought I point that out now.

We cut back to our group, who are with a cowgirl nurse and an Atlantean that looks like Captain Planet. They are talking things over about the situation that is happening with them at Atlantis, when cowgirl nurse offers them the elixir (not telling them what it is). Elizabeth is skeptical about the whole thing, but Jack tells her not to worry about drinking it since it is such a pretty color. Yes, he actually says that and they all drink it! Logic? Who needs logic?!

So after that moronic move, they all go on a sightseeing tour of Atlantis and we are treated to some pretty bad animation and even worse voice acting in this non-awe inspiring city. They then go to meet whitey spring fish, who is somehow the ambassador of the city, to hear about the situation they are in. Oh yeah, the group also runs into a bunch of living, talking toys that belong to old springy. I so wish I was watching Toy Story right about now.

So they meet with whitey spring fish, who informs them they are now official citizens of Atlantis and only the mice and dog find this statement suspicious. I would be asking questions about what he meant by that, but nope, Jack and Elizabeth are rather quiet about the whole situation. Since they don’t answer, fishy boy here then gives them an official welcoming with his toys that he has prepared. At the moment, I knew I was in for some trouble. I knew what was coming next. It was a pointless musical number that made no sense. Not only that, it also attempted to mix Broadway and Techno music together. Oh my poor soul. It hurts.

After that crime against humanity, the group is formerly told the truth by the king and queen of Atlantis about the situation, since the whitey spring fish told them the truth in that… half assed musical number. However, Jack says it was alright and he didn’t mind being told that way. Heck he said he even found it amusing, enlightening, and even showed him the benefits of this new life, especially since he didn’t have any choice in the matter.

Ok people, this is just f****d up beyond all belief and I cannot stress how stupid and idiotic all of this is. First of all, how is being told that you are immortal and that you can never leave Atlantis to see family members again through a techno number is the best way to be told about this?! Second, how did he even know what whitey spring fish was saying? I couldn’t make anything out in his insult to music! Third, it wasn’t amusing, it was terrible!!! Finally, you could have stayed normal human beings if they told you what was in the drinks. Plus you had the option to refuse the drinks until you could find out what they really were. You had a choice!!!!!! ARGH! This movie is trying to break my sanity.

Back to the… ‘movie’ (movies are suppose to be a form of entertainment right?), Lassie goes off with a white female dog while the mice run into two rats, a Chinese rat and a rat with a hook for a hand, who I call Hooky and China. The two rats offer them a chance to come with them so they can work together to leave Atlantis for good. The 2 of them bring Connors and Brazil to a meeting where all the rats in the Atlantis are at. They plan on stealing the Elixir of Life so they can build up an army possibly and conquer the world when they escape, while also using Mr. Ice and his gang as allies. I have no idea how that is suppose to work but at this point I have really don’t give a crap and I am sort of siding with the rats on this since they wouldn’t be evil if the Atlanteans just let them go home in the first place.

Sigh… wasn’t this movie about, you know, searching for the Titanic? I would have preferred that plot… any plot compare this one. The mice tell Jack, Elizabeth, and Lassie about the situation and Jack thinks they should tell the Atlanteans about it, since they saved their lives and stuff. I personally wouldn’t tell them since they are keeping me hostage in the damn city! Why won’t these morons see the big picture?! They are trapped and being forced to live here forever and ever without telling their friends and family whatever happened to them, who think they are lost at sea and are dead!

They deliver the news to the king, who suggests that Connors and Brazil work as spies in the rebel squad and ‘help’ them out. I personally say it would be better to just bargain with the rats so they can just leave instead of forcing them to stay, which is the main reason why this is happening all happening. The mice meet up with the rebels and somehow are elected to steal the Elixir of Life with Hooky and China, which will be already replaced by the good guys with a pitcher of water… but aren’t they… ah heck with it.

The mice and rats steal the fake elixir and take it back to the rats, who have the sharks waiting with them. However, the Atlanteans and Lassie are the move to attack the rebels, while Mr. Ice calls for backup from eye-patch man to fight against the mermen and mermaids. Hmm… if I am following this correctly, it seems we will be having a battle where the sharks & the world above the surface fight against the Atlanteans and other sea creatures. Sounds cool, but why did it have to be in this movie? Also, are we ever going to search for the Titanic? After all, it’s the title of the damn movie!!!

Whitey spring fish gets his toy army to fight against the new human force deployed by eye-patch man as well. Among this mini toy army is a Scottish transvestite crossed with an aging Pippi Longstocking. This is not a sign of me going crazy, there is such a character and it is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment to boot. The toy army takes out the human force in a very anti-climatic fight by using memory erasing lasers that make eye-patch man and his crew forget everything that happens. Sure, why not?

Anyways, they allow the rats to escape, but since they never get the Elixir of Life, their improbable plans to conquer the world are dashed. As a reward for everything they did, the King of Atlantis gives our group a private island, with a newly restored and risen Titanic as well (Raise the Titanic anyone?!?), for them to live on forever. Then Jack has the balls to say, “But we’ll never see our friends in Atlantis again!” Asshole, you have a bunch of brothers, Elizabeth has her dad who is a duke, Connors has a wife, and Brazil has a sister and family. I bet you anything that they are all worried out of their skulls about everyone of them right now. Stop thinking about yourself and think about them you selfish bastard!

The group goes to the bottom of the restored Titanic, which is underwater, to discover all of their friends from the Atlantis are there. The king then presents them a magic screen that allows them to see the outside world as bonus. With that, we are treated to one more terrible musical number before film rolls the ending credits, while the rapping shark song plays again. With this movie FINALLY over, I will begin smashing my head against the wall until I remove all memories of this film.

It’s really hard to believe that it is possible to actually make a movie that sucks more than The Legend of the Titanic, but they did it. Let’s give them a round of boos to show our disgust at this wretched film. While I will grant it the fact that the film wasn’t as offensive as the first one and the soundtrack, outside of the musical numbers, were fine, I however can only look at this movie and say, ‘what the hell were they smoking and thinking?’

The musical numbers were insults to music itself; the animation was ugly; voice acting was just plain bad; the plot was unbelievably idiotic and weird as hell, that there isn’t any searching for the Titanic like the title says; there was no character development; but the biggest problem is how the film disregarded the previous film’s continuity. In the first movie, it was established that Connors got married to Brazil’s sister, Stella, and they had a couple of kids who then had grandkids. Brazil went to Brazil and got a coaching job down there to teach soccer. Both of them had aged, but the Elixir of Life is supposed to keep them looking young forever. Also, those 2 mice can’t live on the island forever if the first movie is true. How did the film makers forget all of these important and established facts when they made this movie?!

It is a sad thing indeed to say that The Legend of Titanic was a far better movie than this one. Of all the 3 Italian animated movies around the Titanic, this one was the worst and the most painful. If you must see a movie about the Titanic or Atlantis, please watch James Cameron’s Titanic or Disney’s Atlantis: The Lost Empire. They are better made, have a more competent story, and most importantly, they will not cause brain damage by watching them!

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