Monday, March 15, 2010

Movie Review: The Legend of the Titanic

The Legend of the Titanic
Unknown Rating
Copyright Mono Cinema Distribuzione 1999


Connors: Our narrator who was a former mouse sailor on board the Titanic. He’s not a very reliable source for what happened on the Titanic; since Stella lets on that he isn’t telling the truth near the end of the film. Although, I could tell that when the magical talking and hovering dolphins appeared.

Elizabeth: A blond girl that likes wearing cleavage exposing dresses (Hey, the film keeps showing her off like that), has no problem with talking animals, and is basically this movie's version of Rose. She marries Jack at the end of the film.

Jack: He looks like Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. I believe he has a name, but no one says his name often, so I just call him Jack for obvious reasons.  Marries Elizabeth at the end of the film.

Brazil: A mouse who is the brother of Stella. I didn’t believe the movie called him a name, so I decided to name him Brazil since that is where he is from. He is a big soccer fanatic and is Robin to Connors.

Elizabeth’s Dad: He is a duke with the rights that can allow eye-patch man to have his company do whaling. He has no name or if he does, no one calls him by his name often.

Smiley: I’m calling this dog Lassie because well… it’s Lassie. He is way too smart for any dog and sort of reminds me of what Pongo did in 101 Dalmatians at the beginning of that movie.

Tentacles: An easily manipulated octopus that moves the iceberg in the Titanic’s path so that it’ll sink. Sadly, he does not die liked I hope.

Stella: A mouse that grandpa falls in love with. Has no defining qualities, but is important since she is actually the only one with sense in this movie, shockingly enough.

Evil Stepmother: Never named and is in loved with eye-patch man. I think she freezes to death, along with her sister.

Mr. Ice: A shark who is the leader of a gang of sharks that worked for Eye-Patch man. Don’t ask me how that partnership came together.

Eye-Patch Man: The evil villain of the movie that looks like Alex Trebek with an eye patch and fiancé of Elizabeth. He has a name, but I’ll be darned if I knew how they pronounced it. He mostly likely freezes to death somewhere lost at sea.

Jeffreys: Henchman of eye-patch man who probably freezes to death.

+ People can speak clearly with their mouths wide open.
+ Even animated people suffer from being crossed-eyed.
+ You’re a racist if you don’t think a mouse and human lady could become a couple.
+ Tears sparkle like fireworks when they touch a dolphin.
+ Moonbeams and dolphins are magical.
+ Dolphins can hover and fly.
+ Dog whistles make cricket sounds.
+ No one is surprised when animals talk to them.
+ A tiny soccer ball kicked by a mouse can launch a full grown man off the ground.
+ Falling in love only takes one meeting, one sentence spoken between two people, and a dance.
+ Never trust anyone with a cat, including me! *Evil laugh*
+ Sea creatures belong to rival gangs and their own territories.
+ Icebergs only float if they are thrown hard by an octopus.
+ The Titanic sunk because of octopus moving an iceberg in its path.
+ Mustaches can be used to connect wires.
+ Despite historical records and people’s testimonies, everyone did, in fact, survive the Titanic due to help from a giant octopus, dolphins, killer whales, and humpback whales.

1 min – Talking mice and the Titanic? Oh yeah, this is going to suck.
3 min 57 sec – FREEZE FRAME! He’s talking, but his mouth isn’t moving!
6 min – No I do not get it.
9 min – WTF.
11 min – That is really creepy.
15 min – He’s crossed-eyed!
16 min – That’s not the captain of the Titanic.
20 min – Now a cleavage shot for the little kiddies watching.
21 min – Again, WTF.
23 min – Yeah, but then you got to worry about sharks, jellyfish, tuna nets, and the list goes on.
24 min – This is getting tiring… WTF?!
31 min – It’s still creepy.
32 min – Is that Cinderella wearing Belle’s gown!?
34 min – Wow, look at that shameless reuse a scene less than 2 minutes old.
35 min – The dog is moon walking.
39 min – I wish I was watching Titanic: The Legend Goes On right about now.
43 min – But you never met him.
50 min – I am at a loss of words for how insensitive this is.
52 min – The dog shrunk!
57 min – Thanks Tentacles, you just killed hundreds of people.
63 min – I feel squat.
66 min – Well it’s not like you can screw their chances of survival anymore than you already did.
69 min – You a-hole! You forgot Jack, Elizabeth, and the others! Save everyone my ass.
71 min – He’s still alive? Damn! I was hoping for some good news.
75 min – All of the things they are throwing are disappearing.
78 min – Since when does the captain speak animal?!
80 min – I knew it! There was no way this story could have been the truth! It’s too stupid and idiotic to be the truth!

Guy: (After sniffing a glove of woman that his dog stole): Oh what a heavenly fragrant!


Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow friends and followers, I have reached an all time low today. A while back, I witness the monstrosity known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On and I thought it couldn’t get worse than that when it came to Italian flicks, animated films, or just movies in general. I have been proven wrong. Believe it or not, there is actually another Italian animated movie based off the Titanic disaster. Yeah, that’s right. Another one, which curiously enough came out before The Legend Goes On.

I just… wow! This just goes beyond words. So yeah, I am here to expose you all to this horrible piece of excrement. I would tell you a little bit more about this film, but I cannot. Why? Because there is literally no information about this movie when I was working on this review. There is no IMDb page and if there is, it is very well hidden. No Wikipedia article, no other movie review, no random site with a blurb about the movie, and no basic signs that this movie exists. The only reason why I know this movie is real is because I saw it on YouTube. So… let’s just get this over with!

The story begins with these grandkid mice talking to their grandfather mouse, who was a sailor on the Titanic. They want to know more about the tragedy that happened. However, whatever creditability there was with a movie about talking mice and the Titanic takes a hard hit with just one sentence. One of the grandkid mice reads an article about the tragedy and how tons of people are missing or dead because of it. Then the grandfather said it is all a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding!? How the hell is it a misunderstanding?!

The grandpa mouse decides to tell them the whole story about the ship after one of the tykes finds a whistle that grandpa says is used to summon the evil Mr. Ice. We flashback to the boarding of the Titanic where grandpa mouse was younger and looked more like a girl mouse (Hey you watch it and tell me that he doesn’t look girly with those long eyelashes!). There, we meet Elizabeth, a rich looking girl with blond hair, who is set to marry a rich 40 something guy set up by her father and stepmother. Hmm… I’m getting some déjà vu.

While they are boarding, Connors (Grandpa mouse) is taking a roll call of all the mouse families heading to America on the boat as well. There, he falls head over heels in love with a female mouse named Stella and the mouse/rat passengers board the boat. During which, we treated to some of the worst dialogue you will ever hear in your life along with terrible voice work as well. You know it is bad when almost all of the mice sound American despite being from different countries.

Anyways, before Elizabeth boards the ship herself, she has a run in with this gypsy guy, who we’ll call Jack (Hint hint), and his dog, who is called Smiley but I will call him Lassie instead. The two humans look at each other with interest, before Elizabeth is whisk away onto the boat by her dad. Meanwhile, this bad guy (You know he is a bad guy because he is wearing an eye patch), a man named Jeffrey, and two ladies (One of them is Elizabeth's stepmom) whisper among each other about how Jack could ruin their plans. What plans? How could he ruin them? He was just vaguely looking at a lady and sniffing her glove. It’s creepy, but it isn’t plan ruining for the time being.

So, evil eye-patch man and Jeffery talk about some diabolical plan on board the ship to… gain rights for his company to do whaling by marrying Elizabeth since her dad is a duke. Wow, an evil plan best fit for The Wild Thornberrys or Captain Planet TV shows. At dinner, Elizabeth storms off from her family when they propose she marries eye-patch man aboard the ship, not carrying how she feels about it. Don’t worry lady, the mice on this ship understand your feelings and feel bad for you. OK, maybe that isn’t the best thing.

She runs out onto the deck to cry, as a sad song plays in the background, which thankfully is sung well. This would be a nice moment with some character development for her as she ponders her future, but then dolphins come into play. Talking dolphins. Flying, talking dolphins… that she talks to… to unload her worries to. Ladies and gentlemen, credibility is now completely gone and is now replaced with insanity. Credibility was slowly draining away, but at a nice and slow pace. However, with Flipper talking and hovering, not mention the fact he looks like Shamu, the movie has gone completely bonkers.

So the dolphins tell her that her tears were hit by magical moonbeams and then dolphins added their own magic, which now allows her to understand dolphin & animal talk… what the f**k people?! Anyways, they ask her to stop crying; because they joke her tears will drown them. Oh ha ha ha! Joking about drowning in a Titanic movie, oh what a laugh! ARGH!

The dolphins then tell her about how her fiancé’s company is whaling whales into extinction and speaking of which, eye-patch man is talking to Elizabeth’s father about getting the rights to whale. The dad is reluctant and tells him to ask him later when the marriage happens. Eye-patch man is angry and tells Jeffrey’s to keep in an eye on Elizabeth while he works on getting his whaling right. Also, he mentions if he can’t get his way, he wants to use something to get his way. Hmm, I wonder what that could be?

Well, apparently, Jeffrey goes outside and uses a whistle to contacts a talking shark, that works for eye-patch man, to be ready when he is needed. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, that guy has a talking shark at his disposal. I’m at a loss of words right now. The next day, Elizabeth is still upset and pondering things over, so Connors and this other mouse who I’m going to call Brazil (He says he is from Brazil apparently) go to comfort her. No comment.

They tell her that she doesn’t have to put up with her stepmother forcing her to marry eye-patch guy and that she should stand up to her. Elizabeth feels better and says she doesn’t have to marry him. She’ll stand up to her stepmother and stop the evil whaling plan as well, with the help of her mice friends. Because mice you know are very helpful. Ever see Cinderella?

So the mice spy on evil stepmom and eye-patch man and find out that they are cahoots with each other to get the whaling rights. No! I would have never guessed. The mice relay the info back to her and she goes to her dad about it. She tells him that she refuses to marry the guy and her dad understands. He doesn’t want her to be unhappy… but why the hell did he force her to get engage with the guy before if it didn’t make her happy then?! He clearly knew she wasn’t happy with the arrangements, so why he is all of a sudden now respecting her wishes?! DAMN IT, WHY DOESN’T THIS MAKE SENSE!?

Ugh, anyways, while this happening, Jack is looking around the ship for Elizabeth and is also rubbing her glove against his face… ewww. His dog Lassie goes off and starts looking around for Elizabeth, but runs into Connors and Brazil instead. They inform the dog about the situation, who, in turn, tells them about his own thing with his master. They then work out a plan to bring Jack and Elizabeth together the next day.

The furry animals bring the two up onto the deck the next day and the two of them meet. The animals also have a mouse orchestra play (Amusingly, the music playing does not match up with the instruments the mice are using) to serenade the couple. Well… this plan works shockingly. The two start falling in love, dance with each other, and to top it off, they kiss! They’ve only meet once, barely glanced at each other the first time they saw each other, know nothing about each other, they don’t even know each other’s name, and have only spoken one sentence to each other. Somehow, Titanic: The Legend Goes On is more credible than this!

When they are done kissing, the two of them thank their animal friends for this. Why is the guy not surprised by this!? Why is he not put off by the fact that the mice are waving at him, wearing shirts & pants, playing instruments, and are dancing as well?! Also, how he can understand them?! Did he get secondhand magic by kissing her? Oh who the hell cares anymore! I just want my damn iceberg to sink this ship and all of them to the bottom of the sea!

Continuing on, evil stepmother informs eye-patch man about how Elizabeth and Jack have fallen in love (Illogical as it is) and it’ll ruin their plans. So, eye-patch man moves to his second plan, which the mice overhear and tell Jack about. They say that the guy is going to sink the ship to get what he wants! He will do this by having the shark from earlier, named Mr. Ice; get his gang of sharks together to convince a giant octopus named Tentacles to sink the Titanic with an iceberg through trickery.

Let me put this in other words. The reason the Titanic sunk was because a guy with eye-patch wanted whaling rights, but couldn’t get them. So he decided to get a gang of talking sharks to help him sink the Titanic in a terroristic plot to get his rights. The sharks would then trick an octopus to move the iceberg in the Titanic’s path so it’ll sink. Wow. That is the biggest and I mean biggest epic failure of a plot revolving around a real life tragedy that I have ever heard before!

While Mr. Ice is setting everything into motion, eye-patch man force Elizabeth’s dad to sign the rights for whaling and the evil stepmother has him sign a last will and testament. They leave him tied up and plan on escaping while the iceberg is moved into place by the octopus. The ship hits the iceberg and starts filling with water as everybody rushes to the lifeboats, while the villains have already escaped in their own lifeboat.

Everybody is panicking and hoping for a miracle to save them all when it all looks hopeless. Well, guess what! A miracle does happen! Tentacles sees that the ship is breaking in half and swims up to it so that he can hold it together, along everyone to get onto a lifeboat, while a bunch of humpback whales will provide some extra room for any other passengers who can’t fit in the lifeboats. Great, just great.

However, things don’t look good for Elizabeth, Jack, Connors, Brazil, and Lassie as the boat starts sinking into the abyss with them. Apparently no one noticed they were still on the damn ship. They are forced to jump from the stern, as it is facing straight up now, into the freezing depths of the Atlantic. However, before they turn into popsicles, a humpback saves them. With EVERY single passenger saved, everyone watches as the rest of the boat disappears below the waves.

A passing ship takes all the passengers to the mainland alive and while the villains are lost at sea, unable to get home and most likely freeze to death due the cold weather. Jack and Elizabeth marry after the incident along with Connors and Stella. I question why Stella would marry him. They barely spent any time together; heck they even spent less time with each other than Jack and Elizabeth did. Whatever, romance is a weird thing in animation.

The flashback ends finally and we return to the present with Connors and his grandchildren. Stella shows up and tells the kids that grandpa loves telling stories and that they shouldn’t take what he says too seriously. So in other words, everything we just sat and survived through in this entire movie could possibly be complete bulls**t and is possibly just the ramblings of a crazy old mouse? WELL DUH! Anybody could see that, especially when you include flying, magical dolphins!!!

Oh my God that movie was a piece of crap and was a chore to sit through. This isn’t like Pocket Ninjas were it was nearly impossible to follow or like Frogs were it was incredibly boring to sit through. Nope, this is worse. Well I can say for certain that this movie’s animation was a bit better than the Legend Goes On, but everything else is just horrible.

It suffers from the same issues as Legend Goes On, but what makes it worse is how the movie handled the tragic story of the Titanic. In this version, every single person survived the movie, including some characters that looked like they should have bitten the dust, had no pulse, and were at the bottom of the sea. At least with the Legend Goes On people die and you do feel the tragedy happening to the passengers who live and pass away, despite how little emotion you may feel. With the fact that everyone survived in this movie, it feels like a big slap in the face to history and to the people who died in real life.

This movie is really off the radar and I am glad it is. No one should have to watch this epic failure of mass proportions. Only watch the movie if you really want to see how badly a film can flat out fail. Other than, if you really must watch an animated movie about the Titanic, just wait until someone can make something halfway decent.

And to leave you 2 interesting notes, the villain was played by the same guy who did the voice for Fritz, the rapping dog in Legend Goes On. However, the biggest mindf**k of it all is that this movie actually would spawn a sequel! Didn’t know that? Oh then you’ll be in for a treat later!




    1. it's on You Tube. You can find a lot of full movies on there.