Information Geek's Reviews

Movie Review: The Nutcracker: The Untold Story

2011-12-25T08:23:00.001-06:00

The Nutcracker: The Untold Story
Rated PG
Skull
Copyright Freestyle Releasing & Cinemarket Films 2010

THE CHARACTERS

Mary: Elle Fanning! She is a little girl who gets the Nutcracker on Christmas Eve from her uncle and is the one to help bring it back to life. The plot and the Snow Fairy says she has some sort of magical power, but I say it is all BS. Though, I suppose her teardrops turn a wooden puppet into a real boy, so I figure it all works out. Also, she falls in love with the Prince, but since she barely knows him at all, I doubt it will last.

The Prince: He runs the kingdom that the Nazi rats have taken over. He was cursed by the queen into becoming the Nutcracker, but thanks to magic teardrops later in the film, he escapes his predicament. He’s not good at hiding people or at saving people either.

Nutcracker: Also called the NC. Oh dear god, those eyes. They’re staring into my soul! He/she is the form that the Prince takes when under the curse the Rat Queen gave him.

Max: Do not trust him with your stuff. He’ll burn it or break it. Hell, he’ll even join the enemy side to do it. Also, his naïve trusting will certainly get him killed sometime in the future. Somehow, his character does a turnaround and he becomes a better person. Though with the whole thing being just a dream, who knows.

Uncle Albert: Nathan Lane! It’s Albert Einstein with Eraserhead’s hair. He brings Mary and Max the Nutcracker and dollhouse that sets the whole plot into motion. Also, he has a weird habit of breaking the forth wall a lot of the time for no reason.

The Snow Fairy: Someone important I suppose. Doesn’t really do anything and sort of reminds me of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, in the same fact that they did really nothing but put a girl in danger’s way.

The Rat King: John Turturro! A very creepy looking rat person, who gives off the vibe that he might be into kids. Just what this movie needed. He runs the kingdom with an iron grip and his horrible singing. Despite all of the pain and misery he causes everyone, he manages to escape with his mother at the end.

The Rat Queen: She looks a Who from the Grinch who is constantly changing her hair every scene. She really doesn’t add much to this film outside of being the one who cursed The Prince into becoming the Nutcracker. In the end, she escapes with her son into the sewers.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ A little girl is qualified to fight an evil queen instead of any adult.
+ Albert Einstein was also a composer and singer.
+ Back in the day, orchestras sometimes played their music on trams.
+ Lying is called being economic with the truth.
+ Pillows will explode into feathers if something slightly heavy falls on them.
+ Rats are like gremlins, they don’t like light.
+ Sabotaging a helicopter while you are in it is a brilliant idea.
+ The Nutcracker also had jetpack wearing humanoid rat Nazis.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – A future pyromaniac in the making.
6 min – Now we see the rats moving in position for their takeover.
9 min – MC? Oh I get it! HA HA HA HA HA! Also, did you steal that from Tim Burton?
10 min – You call that CGI?! Away with it!
12 min – Wait… no!! Don’t… DON’T! Dammit! He started singing! HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
15 min – Whoa, I think you should lay off the eggnog Mary.
17 min – How much eggnog did that housekeeper have?
26 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
28 min – Yes, follow the creepy sounding ice spirits. They seem perfectly trust worthy.
29 min – And now they head off to Neverland.
32 min – Time to steal from Pinocchio!
33 min – Whoa, Xanadu and live action Grinch flashbacks all at once! What a dream come true.
35 min – *Checks DVD to make sure right movie is in*
38 min – Wait WHAT?! NOOOOO!! Not again! HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
45 min – Well of course it is a dream. Only in dreams would any of that make sense.
48 min – Hey! She never saw the mechanical beaver rats chew through the tree!
53 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
55 min – Okay, now they are reusing footage from previous scenes.
58 min – Wait, how does she know that is the Rat King? Did she look at the script?
60 min – WTF?!
61 min – WTF again!!
68 min – Liar, I can still see the sun poking through the smog.
72 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
77 min – So no one is going to stop them. Alright, makes as much sense as everything else.
80 min – Thanks for nothing Jedi Snow Fairy Ghost.
83 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST MOTORBIKES!
84 min – So, how was this a good hiding spot Prince boy?
87 min – Great job, you get her captured and you couldn’t save her!
89 min – Hey! She isn’t even being held by everyone, she could make a break for it!
92 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST FLUFFY TOYS!
94 min – But they got away! They could come back at anytime! This is no time for singing!
95 min – Yes, wake up! End this crap already!
98 min – Nothing like a magic pebble to break up the awkwardness.
Ending Credits – So… what did I just watch?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Mary: Did the room get bigger or did we get smaller?
Nutcracker: If you ask me, that is a naïve question.

Mary: I can’t fly.
Snow Fairy: How do you know if you haven’t tried?

Rat Queen: Who knew someone could love a chunk of wood?

Rat Queen: And little girls in love can be very dangerous.

Mary: Look what I have! A magic pebble!

THE PLOT

I’ve actually seen the Nutcracker preformed lived in my town’s local theater a couple of times in the past. I had a friend who was able to get me and my entire class in because she was a part of the ballet. From what I remember, it was quite nice and had a lot of enjoyable musicwith great choreography. Now, I heard about a movie adaption back in late 2010 that had a reputation for being pretty bad. However, I am not one to be put off by bad buzz, despite how terrible it is (Remember Disaster Movie?), and consider it a challenge for me to take on such a film. As such, let us venture into the feature and see what this is all about.

After some familiar Nutcracker music over the opening credits, we begin our tale in old New York City during Christmas Eve. We meet our main character, Mary, and her brother, Max, who are seeing their parents off to the opera, where her mother will be performing tonight. With their parents gone, their Uncle Albert Einstein (Yes, seriously. Don’t remember that from the play) will be watching the two of them.

With the parents gone, he gives them two presents, a giant toy house that plays music and of course, the Nutcracker. He tells them that it is very special and is sought after by someone, though he doesn’t tell who. After dinner and Max nearly breaking the Nutcracker (You do not load a nutcracker with three large walnuts kid), the kids are off to bed with Albert singing them a song about Relativity. Why are you laughing? This is serious business.

Also, there are large, crappy CGI looking rats invading the house. Don’t know why. Do they want Nutcracker? What purpose does a nutcracker serve to rats? Also, does no one notice them at all? One of them clearly ran out in front of the boy earlier. Damn his bad eyesight.

Later that night, Mary goes to look at the Nutcracker in her room and discovers that, surprise, it can talk. It also has the voice of a girl too and grows to kid size after it falls off the shelf and onto some pillows. Ever get the feeling this movie is weird? Anyhow, NC (That’s what the Nutcracker prefers to be called) needs to meet up with the dolls in the toy house the uncle brought and Mary follows him.

They enter the living room to discover everything has grown giant size. Okay, now we are actually hitting some points from the ballet. However, the thought of this movie starting to adapt the ballet properly instantly goes away when we meet the cast of the dollhouse. They include a monkey from Planet of the Apes wearing a suit, an opera singing clown, and a Jamaican drummer. Again, weird. With them rounded up, Mary and NC climb to the top of the Christmas tree in the living room to meet with the Snow Fairy, who requests of her to help them defeat the Rat Queen, who has placed the Nutcracker under a terrible curse. Then suddenly, NC turns into a real boy because… Mary… Ah… because… I dunno. The power of love, the heart of the cards; feel free to make up your own reason.

Anyhow, the Nutcracker turns into a real boy, who is the prince of some city. Apparently, his city was taken over by Nazi rat people, lead by the Rat King and his mother, the Rat Queen. They took over the kingdom and have set up smoke factories all over the area to blot out the sun, since the rats are afraid of the sun like morlocks. We actually cut there to the kingdom, where we see the actual Rat King and his Nazi rats sing a song about how awesome they are to a bunch of prisoners they have. I got nothing to say on this. Say whatever you want though.

The Rat King gets word from two of his minions that the Prince is back to normal and sends his men to kill him. Don’t know why he didn’t do that before instead of just cursing him, but regardless, they go out with the pet mechanical beaver rats to chop down the Christmas tree where everyone is. Speaking of which, Mary suggests to the Prince that he takes out the factories to make the rats flee, which he responses that is a great plan. So what took him so long to figure that out?

Suddenly, the tree comes falling down and the Prince turns back into the Nutcracker when the queen recurses him. Apparently, spells wear off if you don’t constantly renew them. As the tree falls and Mary falls with it, she wakes up back in her bed. However, it wasn’t a dream! She runs back downstairs and discovers the fallen tree and discarded Nutcracker at the base of it. She tries telling her parents about the next morning, but of course, no one believes it.

She runs up to the attic to have a good old fashion musical number crying scene. More tolerable than most musical numbers up to this point, so I give it pass. Speaking of such moments, Uncle Albert meets with Mary’s father, who asks him to not come back since he believes the uncle is filling Mary’s head with bad ideas. What’s Albert’s solution to change his mind? He sings about how the father was once a big dreamer! Doesn’t seem to work though, so oh well.

Later at night, the Nutcracker is alive again and everything seems back to normal… in comparison with everything else going on. He decides to take the fight to rats to get the curse lifted off of him permanently and enlists Mary and Max, who surprisingly just goes with it without asking any questions about what is happening and how the thing is alive. NC goes to check out the living room ahead of time and get his friends from the doll house, but is suddenly captured by the rats.

When the two kids come down, the run into the Rat King and his troops, who have captured the dolls and NC. As the rats torment the toys, Max seems to be enjoying it and getting to it. Yep, future killer in the making. In fact, when the rats take off with the dolls, he goes with them because it looks like fun. This is just… ugh.

Once everyone has left, Mary discovers the monkey doll has been left behind and goes to him. He comes with a plan to get to the kingdom to save everyone, which involves going through a mirror. Don’t how this works, but whatever. They go through and… apparently the world is like a mirrorverse of the original one, where the city and the people are similar to New York City. As they explore the area, the Nutcracker and the other dolls make their escape from captivity through the sewers of the city.

As everyone heads the center of the town for a Nazi book… toy burning, they see the Rat King performing another musical number as the kids toss their toys into the pile to be burnt. Please sir, these kids are suffering enough, must you torture them some more? When the Rat King offers the pile of toys to Max to break in front of everyone, he says no because they belong to other kids. Makes no sense since he was breaking his sister’s stuff earlier in the film, but I suppose the script has to make him somewhat likeable even if it doesn’t mean staying true to his character. The Rat King has him locked up and the rest of the toys pushed into a vent that leads to the smoke factory. What? No burning the toys in the middle of town to make a point? What kind of Nazi rats are you?

Mary follows the toys down vent and discovers the drummer and clown among the piles of toys. They tell her how NC saved by sacrificing himself to a mechanical rat beaver in order to save them. They point out the discarded body of him lying among the toys, which a bunch of rats chuck onto the conveyor belt to burn. While the dolls distract the guards, Mary saves him, but cannot get him to wake up. However, a confession of love (How long did she even know him?) and a magical teardrop brings him back to life and lifts the curse as well. Magic teardrops are incredible. You can learn to talk to animals and bring people back to life from inanimate forms like Pokémon: The First Movie. Why hasn’t science explored this yet?

With the Prince alive and back to normal, he reveals himself to the slaves in the Smoke Factory Seeing their beloved prince alive, their spirits lift and they begin to rebel against the Nazi rats, who strangely do not use their guns to fight back against them for some reason. With the smoke factory being destroyed, the Rat Queen says it is time to flee before the rebels get to them, but the Rat King will have none of that. He and a couple of his troops with their jetpacks and machinegun attached motorbikes head to the area to crush them. I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I can take this all that seriously.

The Prince hides Mary in an elevator so she won’t get hurt during all of the chaos. Seconds later, she is promptly cornered and captured by the Rat King himself. Bravo Prince. Great idea putting her in a place where she has nowhere to run. The king takes off with her to the palace and the Prince and friends chase off after them. The king and qeen reach their helicopter contraption and take Mary & Max with them as they flee the city. Don’t know why they want the two of them.

As contraption heads off, the Prince and the monkey guy board the vehicle, attacking the Rat King. Max takes control of the contraption and crashes it down into the center of the town. The prince and monkey grab hold of the king & queen, but they turn into normal rats and escape down the sewer. Great, now they come back at anytime and attack you guys once more. Regardless, it is the time for celebrating and another musical number about victory. It feels a bit hollow to me though.

The Snow Fairy suddenly appears to Mary (where the hell was she this entire film!?) and tells her it is time to go home or in this case, wake up once more. She heads off on a tram back to reality (Max is oddly not with her) and finds herself back in her home. She goes downstairs and meets with her Uncle Albert, who brought his neighbor along to meet Mary. The neighbor is a young boy with a striking resemblance to the Prince, even with the same nickname, NC. Does this mean anything? Who the hell knows! The movie then suddenly ends with them ice skating at some ice rink. Sure why not.

That was The Nutcracker: The Untold Story and well… what can I say about it? It sucked. Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, just wow. This was nothing like the Nutcracker and has to be one of the worst adaptations of any form of medium before. The Nutcracker is a ballet and there was barely any dancing in the entire film at all! It doesn’t even mildly follow the plot of the ballet outside of a few points! What a bunch of crap.

Outside of being a terrible adaptation; the acting is bad with over the top performances [and not in a fun way] to characters having unconvincing accents, the musical numbers were forgettable to horrible, the CGI had to be some of the worst I have ever seen to come out in the past decade that wasn’t made for TV, it steals or takes plot points from other movies, the use of Nazi symbolism for the Rats was a terrible idea, there are moments that don’t add anything to actual plot, people know things they weren’t there to see, and the overall tone and imagery clashes with the fact that this is supposedly a kids film.

However, there were some positives to this movie. As bad and unremarkable as the acting was, Elle Fanning who played Mary was actually pretty good and managed to elevate the movie a bit. I also liked some of the set design, as stupid as was, with the locations; some of the costumes looked good; and an occasional makeup job was actually pretty decent. The best part, however, was the use of the actual music from the Nutcracker ballet which worked well, though some bits got overplayed a lot. Despite all of this, none of this can save this disaster.

The movie is just so terrible. I’m not as angry as I was with other bad kids’ films I’ve seen in the past, but that doesn’t really change anything for me. Even the parody of the ballet in one of the Courage the Cowardly Dog episodes was much more faithful and fun to watch then this thing. This is a film to avoid, just plain and simple. I’m certain there are other, better adaptations of the Nutcracker out there and you should just stick with those. Let’s just put this film behind us and never look at it again.

TV Episode Review: The Tale of Many Faces

2011-10-31T18:35:00.000-05:00

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Many Faces
Rated TV-Y7
2 Slimes
Copyright Cinar Productions 2000

THE CHARACTERS

Emma: A girl who inspires to be a model, takes up a chance at being a lead actress instead at a mysterious theater. This move costs her face for a bit, but she does it back in the end. That’ll teach her for trying to expand her horizons.

Jessie: Emma’s friend who is actually successful at getting modeling jobs. Nearly becomes a victim of Madame Visage’s face stealing ring.

Number 87: Also known as Lizzie. One of Madame’s victims, who breaks away from her evil reign to help Emma.

Number 66: Also known as Lorette. Another of Madame’s victims and one of the high up members as well. Her face was used to disguise Madame as a scout in order to lure Emma to the theater. Helps Emma defeat Madame in the end.

Madame Visage: Also known as Ilona Utrianen, a witch that steals young ladies faces to keep herself young looking. She’s obviously evil and makes no effort to mask that, so I wonder how she keeps stealing everyone’s face? Anyhow, once her old face is returned to her, she ends up aging to death. Sort of like the villain’s death in Tangled, but with less dust.

Midnight Society: A group of kids who come together and tell a new tale around the campfire. This tale is told by Vange, who seems to be a big fan of masks.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Model scouts with accents are not to be trusted.
+ Mysterious powder can make one more appealing despite looking the same before applying it.
+ TV is no help against witches.
+ Fire doesn’t burn books.
+ Without looks, girls feel that they are nobody.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
48 sec – Where is she keeping all of those masks?
3 min – Well she seems legit.
5 min – “Piss off! We don’t like your non mask wearing kind around these parts.”
6 min – I’m detecting an incoming ham!
7 min – Well I can see no harm in putting that on your face.
8 min – I’m finding the clothing this girl has to wear at this modeling agency far stranger than what is only on at the theater.
11 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
16 min – Well they can still tell from the tone of your voice… I may be missing the point.
18 min – Doing it for centuries? Well there’s a scary thought about what she’s been getting away with for quite some time.
21 min – Why don’t you all just rush her? She can’t take you all at once!
23 min – So does that mean everyone’s out of the punishment book now? That’s kind of a loose end here.

THE PLOT

Since Halloween is upon us and was feeling to return to familiar grounds, I decided to return to an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? This time, instead of an episode from the early seasons, I decided to hit up one of the newer episodes from their last season. It was at this time that series had fallen into hard times and was lacking the true spirit of the original seasons. Well that’s what I hear around, but when I was watching these kids when I was a kid, I was still enjoying them. This one in particular, I do remember rather well and decided to revisit it. Is it still good as I recall or is it bad like the later seasons? Let us take a look.

Our tale today is told by Vange, one of the later season members. The story is about a girl named Emma, who wants to be a model, but just doesn’t have that spark to make her recognizable or make her a hit with any of the shoots she tries out at. Perhaps a few more years of development that could do the trick and wear a ton of makeup. Beats me what a model agency looks for instead of skinny girls.

Emma pouts about not getting the part, while her friend, Jessie, gets the chance to be a model for a recent agency they tried out for. However, a chance to be a somebody appears before her from a mysterious talent scout. She offers her the chance to be a part of Madame Visage's Theatre of Many Faces. Sounding like a completely normal sounding place and having an interest in performing in the theater, Emma takes the offer.

She arrives at the place and encounters young women wearing pale, expressionless masks, who are workers and actresses for the place. Not shocked or spooked by these odd people, who seem rather bugged by her presence, Emma meets with the owner, Madame Visage. After studying her face a bit, Madame Visage decides she wants her face to be in the lead role for her new performance.

With her being casted in the lead role, Madame gives Emma some special powder substance to apply to her face. Personally, I find it suspicious that anyone that looks like they are about to break out into evil laughter would give something out to free to a young woman, but since do others think like me? Anyhow, the powder seems to be making her more appealing or something (It must be hypnotizing people or something because she looks exactly the same as before) because she starts to get more attention from others, including landing the role as cover model for a magazine issue.

Emma returns to the theater later on, happy with her recent success, to report back for more face inspection (how else would you describe it). Convinced that she is ready, Madame has her mask wearing servants enter and grab Emma. Madame pulls out this old book and then magical puts her face into it, revealing that she has none herself. She touches Emma’s face and steals it right off, putting it on her own. Now there’s the classic Are Afraid of the Dark nightmare moments for the kiddies to keep them awake all night long.

With that, Emma is forced into slavehood as one of Madame’s mask minions, all other girls who had their faces stolen. One must wonder what their families must be and why they aren’t looking for them, but that’s not something you should be thinking about at this point. The point is Emma is a slave and her friend, Jessie, has arrived at the theater to see what her friend is up. Unfortunately for her, she runs into Madame Visage disguised as Emma.

Emma is lead to meet the rest of the slaves, led by Number 87, who explains the ground rules of what goes on here and what happens to girls who act out of turn. As she shows her around the mansion/theater, Emma asks 87 about what she used to look like. The girl decides to show her what she used to look like by showing her the Madame’s face book. Well glancing over that, Emma spots a few other books, the punishment book (the book where Madame banishes girls into for their misdeeds) and a rather old book holding a very old and ugly face.

However, both of the girls are caught by Number 66 and Madame Visage, who slipped away from Jessie. The girls are chased, caring the two books with them around the house until they are trapped and surrounded. They have the two, and Jessie, brought into the parlor to receive punishment for their insubordination. However, a pep talk and pointing out that the girls are still who they are even without their faces from Emma, caused munity among the masked girls. They hold Madame down and pull out the old book, realizing that it holds the lady’s true and original face. Emma, who for some reason knows magic, is able to put the face from the book onto Madame. With her old face back, she returns to her true age over 300 years old and promptly dies. With the witch dead, the girls’ faces are returned and everyone is finally free.

So how does this episode do? Well starting with the positives, the effects used here are actually pretty good. I really like the effect or makeup job for the people without a face. Really creepy looking. I also sort of like the plot with this old woman stealing young women’s faces, in order to stay young forever. Doesn’t make sense how that works, but hey, magic and all that. The actress for Emma is also not too bad and overall decent for this series.

Speaking of acting, as we move to the bad, a lot of these people aren’t very convincing. Someone accents are pretty bad, some people are too stiff, and the first girl to play Madame Visage was overacting taking from the possibly creepy tone from the show. Also, there is the plot hole of how Madame Visage has been keeping these girls hidden away from society and how no one has come around searching for them. Lastly, why has any of the girls that had been banished from the theater (it is one of the punishments brought up) not contact the police. There are some major problems here in the script and story when you think about it, despite how interesting it could be.

That said, it wasn’t too bad of an episode for the show. I saw it is pretty average, with some genuine creepy parts, but not much worth remembering compared to other episodes. Could be worth a watch if you are interested, but there are better episodes from the show worth seeing more than this one.

Movie Review: Standing Ovation

2011-10-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

Standing Ovation
Rated PG
Skull
Copyright Kenilworth Film Productions 2010

THE CHARACTERS

Brittany: Our lead character, who the lead singer for the Ovations and is unremarkable. There is barely anything worth mentioning about her.

Tatiana, Maya, Blaze, and Cameron: They are the other members of the Ovations and there is nothing else to say. They are completely bland and dull characters.

Joei Batalucci: What the hell is up with this girl? Is she a mobster or something? I also wonder if she has that disease the girl had in the Orphan? On the plus side, she is hammy enough to be sort of entertaining.

Jeff/Geoff Wiggs: Has the creepiest smile I’ve ever seen! The owner of the biggest wig factory in America and the father for the Wiggies. Must not be much competition since I’ve seen such crappy wigs before.

Alanna: An amateur pop singing girl stalking the Ovations and Wiggies everywhere they perform and who is also going for the music video prize. Someone needs to issue a restraining order on this girl right away. Also, acting and pronunciation are not part of her vocabulary. On the plus side, whoever is doing the dubbing for her singing is really good.

The Wiggies: Pink wigged girls who speak/sing in unison more than any stereotypical twin character I have witness before. Also, they are all sisters apparently. One must wonder how the black girl figures into this when everyone else is white.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Gym socks are the height fashion in the pop music industry.
+ Chewing gum can rip clothing into pieces.
+ Almost anything can have a song behind it.
+ Schools bow down to the awesome might of wig factory owners.
+ Little girls are well versed in the field of horse racing and managerial skills.
+ Chewing tobacco and licorices are identical.
+ Little girls are very intimidating.
+ Little girls carry cobras, electric eels, and scorpions in their bags all the time.
+ You can see germs.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – I think an older singer got dubbed in by mistake.
2 min – Classy!
5 min – Is that Justin Bieber!?
5 min 42 sec – FREEZE FRAME! You now see the reaction I am making as I watch this.
7 min – I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle… wait, that’s not what they were going for with that dance move?
8 min – Did he just say gay, because I already assumed that.
9 min – They’re worse than the Wiggies! Now that’s just embarrassing.
11 min – No! Don’t start singing!!!
14 min – Whoa! Mood swing much?
15 min – I am not sure this is qualifies as acting.
16 min – That girl is right. I am feeling a sick just listening to it.
17 min – The implication of a guy being turned on by underage girls is not helping my opinion of a movie.
19 min – Yes indeed. These people obviously have a grand way of living one’s life.
22 min – And Child Services hasn’t stepped in because…?
25 min – Hooray! The luck of Irish!
26 min – So you got ties to the mob? Little girls never cease to amaze me.
27 min – If they are not in their pink wigs, then can be truly called the Wiggies?
27 min – Are they are even old enough to be in this club?
29 min – Is that Fred?
31 min – Okay, this was sort of funny. I’ll give the movie that.
32 min – I think I preferred when elderly were partyin in this clip.
33 min – Someone call security.
37 min – Because you suck, that’s why.
39 min – No amount of money could make me do any of this.
40 min – I can’t believe I’m saying this, but bring back the Wiggies. At least I think they sung most of their music.
42 min – How do the Wiggies even know where they are? Do they have someone tailing the Ovations?
43 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! I’m surprised I didn’t pull this out sooner!
44 min – I’ve heard music like this before. It was Nick Jr. when I was lad. It was lame then as it is now.
46 min – Director: Just don’t hold it too tightly; the fake label will come off the Pepsi Zero can.
48 min – They have learned a valuable lesson today: Selling out.
49 min – Your germ analogy needs work.
51 min – Making deals with mobsters and threatening to kill them. Good old kid stuff.
53 min – Ladies and gentlemen, we reached Radio Disney levels of music! About damn time.
54 min – Looks like Justin Bieber and Ramona Flowers are up to no good.
55 min – Okay, I’ll give them that joke as well.
56 min – I think a Jock stereotype character got mixed into a Goth stereotype by accident.
58 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOOT LOCKER!
59 min – Hooray for lip-syncing! Also, if the fire department is busy here, who’s watching the town in case of an emergency?
60 min – I’ll give the movie that the song wasn’t that bad.
61 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
62 min – Worst green screen effect for a kids film ever!
63 min – That was the most self-adsorbed egoistical song I have ever heard before. Bravo movie for going for new lows. Bravo indeed.
67 min – Girl with the mike: Will you also be wearing those stupid wigs in the finals as well?
68 min – Hooray for pity votes!
69 min – I would have given her third place for the dancing firemen alone.
71 min – Sooooo not appropriate for a girl to be dancing like that.
73 min – Becoming? I was under the impression she already was.
74 min – Thank God everyone’s blind otherwise this spy mission would be a bust.
75 min – MY EYES!!! OH GOD MY EYES!!!!
77 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPSI!
78 min – Wow, they’re Dream Street/Jonas Bros. Lite.
79 min – Hey! Those two kids aren’t dressed up! Throw them off stage!
80 min – No, your underage brats who think you’re hot when you’re not.
81 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! Oh f**k no. Just no. I feel so unclean watching this crap. The dancing and singing, it’s all evil!!!!!
83 min – First, they just recycled footage there. Secondly, BOOOOOO!!!! YOU SUCK!
85 min – Oh f**k no, here we go again!
87 min – Oh thank god, it’s not disgusting as I thought. It’s just plain silly and ridiculous, but then again, they got the advantage over at least 2 of the 3 other groups.
88 min – And because they aren’t all teenagers yet, it’s just more creepy than it should be.
89 min – Host: Turns out that no one wins, because America just didn’t care enough to vote.
90 min – Wow, I’m just in shock and awe that a Wiggie decided to act human.
94 min – *Insert dramatic, shocking revelation music here*
95 min – *Insert Darth Vader revelation clip here*
96 min – Oh ha ha ha, murder is such fun!
98 min – There’s no thinking about it. He ditched for over a decade and he’s only come back now because of a damn guilt trip. To hell with him!
99 min – What the hell is this?! They screwed you over royally in the past and never once apologize!
100 min – What? We’re just going to glance over this?
101 min – Wait a minute, we are ending on that note?! The writer forgot a couple of scenes because there is no excuse for that!
Ending Credits – You know what?! Screw it! Screw this movie! This is not how you end a damn film!!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Brittany: They’ll pay us 200 dollars?!
Joei: No, 200 pennies. (mumbling) Stupid!

Brittany: We can’t dance?
Joei: You kidding me? I’ve seen stiffs with better dancing than you.

THE PLOT

On my Senior trip in high school, we went to Mall of America. It was a fun time and we came away with a lot of fun memories. Unfortunately, something wicked was in those memories. I recall seeing advertisement everywhere for this movie, Standing Ovation. It looked unbelievably silly, stupid, and reminded me that I was so not in the target audience for it. Then for a couple of months, I forgot all about it and its odd impact on my day. I, however, came across this film once again, but in a list of the worst movies for 2010. This was listed as number one in one list, even beating out The Last Airbender. So I must ask myself, is this truly as bad as it looks? I wasn’t sure, but yet, brave or as stupid as I am, I dived into the madness of the film…

After witnessing a weird, gag inducing moment with a bunch of pink wig wearing girls, who sadly will be in this movie, our film opens up with an amateur pop singing contest. Don’t all great films open as such? There, we meet our lead characters, the Ovations, lead by Brittney, enter the theater to get ready for their performance in the contest. The first thing I notice about the opening scene is the creepiness that is emanating from the stage, where we see 12 or younger little girls dressing and dancing in not appropriate ways. Seriously, it’s very unsettling and doesn’t help my feelings towards the film, especially with something like this early on.

Anyhow, before they start performing, we see their rivals take the stage, known as the Wiggies (the pink wig wearing girls I mentioned before) and frankly… they should be able to mop the floor with them. I’ve seen Radio Disney pop singers do better them and have a much better choreographed song as well. If one of the moves for your song is the “I’m a little teapot” then you are not going to win.

However; due to them, their parents, and Justin Bieber (well someone who resembles him) sabotaging everyone’s performance, including the Ovations, they win by default. I never knew the amateur pop singing scene was so damn competitive. You learn something new every day! Also, there is a kid called Alanna Wannabe who is constantly pestering the Ovations and Wiggies to let her sing for them. She is the Jar Jar Binks for the movie, although no one puts up with her.

After losing, we focused on Brittney; her brother; and her grandfather, who I think is a Leprechaun disguise as human, whose home life is rather sad. The mom’s dead; the dad ran off and ditched everyone; and the grandfather is a gambler, which is why they can’t afford many things or even electricity (where’s child services to due a home inspection?). It’s all around bad and not good, which is why Brittney wants to win at these contests to gain some money for the family and possibly get them somewhere else if she ever gets famous. Well this movie won’t guarantee that for the actress, but that’s beside the point.

At school the next day, the Ovations hear in the news that CVS TV is holding a contest for best amateur music group and the reward is $1 million dollars. Guess who’s in it? It’s their archrivals, the Wiggies, whose father has hired a professional music video team and renting out a couple places in town, including the school, to shoot a video. Forgetting the fact that the guy was able to rent out a school, the fact that the Wiggies are all sisters and come from a white as can be father and mother, one of them is black! Unless, maybe she was adopted and… nuts that. I’m not going to try to think too hard about this considering the movie I’m dealing with.

Later on, Brittany meets the mysterious girl known as Joei Batalucci, who offers her some advice on horse racing and what horse to pick. This useful info comes in hand when her grandfather then tries to gamble away all of the money Brittany made while doing street performances. Great guy! Though she is initially mad at him for gambling the money she made, she quickly forgives and forgets when they win with the info Joei gave them. Money makes everything better!

Brittany meets with Joei after the win, who offers to manage the Ovations for them and help them win the CVS contest, exchange for helping her find someone who messed with her family a long time ago. While not sure, Brit agrees to it. The first thing to do is a music studio to work on this video and to do that, one of the Ovations has to fake liking some boy at the school whose family owns one. Emotionally manipulate or play with a guy’s feelings so he’ll do what you want! Great lesson for all ages. I hope you girls are taking notes on this.

While all of this is happening, the Alanna girl also decides to join the contest as well to upstage the Ovations and Wiggies, who’ve been ignoring her and throwing out their performances when she tries to crash them. And she wonders why she isn’t let near them, outside of her terrible singing and acting ability. Regardless, she is in the contest now and has gotten her father to; somehow, get the local fire department to be the backup dancers for her video. Do not ask because I can’t say for sure why they are going along with this. This is the least the film’s troubles.

The Ovations begin working on their music video and looks pretty good so far, though they need to hire better pop singers for them lip synch to if they are going to win this contest. During this time, while they are on a break, the Wiggies start harassing them at a local restaurant. I wonder if they got sonar on these girls, because they also popped up to ruin a shot in the Ovations’ music video earlier. Anyhow, after they sing a horrendous song about table manners for some odd reason (the movie maybe be trying to scare me off, but they won’t succeed that easily), Joei shows up and scares them off, declaring war on them and that’ll win.

They continue working on their video, tricking other boys into helping them or dancing in their video, and pretty much wrap it up. In fact, it seems pretty okay, for an amateur music video made for YouTube, but it is all set to go. However, one of the Wiggies and the evil Justin Bieber clone break into the studio and mess with the video. Seriously, is pop singing at this level this cutthroat?

The girls get to move on to the semi-finals when one of the other contestants for the contest is disqualified, causing the Ovations to win by default. Hooray for default I suppose. So, the Wiggies, Ovations, and surprisingly Alanna (She must have found a good person to dub in the singing for her) all move onto the semi-finals and head to New York City for the main competition. It’s at this moment that we finally get to see the official videos these girls made and… they are just silly as hell. The costumes, the dancing, the singing and the makeup make the videos so hard to take serious. However, the Wiggies dancing has improved, but the song is extremely unbearable due to how self-indulgent it is with the lyrics.

However, the main attraction of the videos is the one for the Ovations, due to all that tampering that was done. It is just so bad that it may just be good. Heck, I think even the audience is thinking the same thing, which allows the girls to move on with the Wiggies to the finals due to how hilarious it was. I’m pretty sure the vote was for the best video, but hey, whatever works.

Now that the finalists have been picked, they must be able to a live performance for the final round, complete with dancing as well. So the girls meet with another girl called Jasmine, who can teach them how to step up their game, since the song & dance they have in mind is a lot more complicated then what they are use to. While that’s all fine and dandy, this Jasmine girl is a belly dancer by looks of her and seems to be underage. Wow, this movie keeps surprising me with every new thing it pulls out.

Well the shock keeps coming, but to a less extreme, when Alanna shows up and demands to be in their dance number, since she wasn’t able to move on in the competition. She doesn’t join, Jasmine and her friends, also good dancers and not creepy like her, won’t join the number. Since they need everyone they can get and people who are actually experience at dancing, the Ovations agree to Alanna’s terms. Another great lesson, blackmail. Just wonderful.

You know what really bothers me outside of the bad singing, messed up messages, the sexualize dancing for underage girls, or just plain bad acting is the character of Alanna. She is an utter brat in the movie, always demanding people bend to her every command and desire, like her father who is a pretty bad parent as well considering her gives her everything she wants. She is annoying, she is a terrible actor and singer whenever someone isn’t dubbing for her, and she doesn’t add anything to this plot (take her out and nothing changes), and is completely useless. Whose bright idea was it for her to be in this movie, which sucks pretty bad already despite me not saying too much regarding it?

Anyhow, the movie continues on with the Ovations getting prepared for the main event and ruining one of the Wiggies performances. Remember kids, getting revenge is a very good encouraged thing to do. Then comes the big day and everyone is ready to performance their ass off. After the first two groups perform (which were a Jonas Bros. ripoff group and a choir for some reason), we get to see the Wiggies first as they perform their big number, Dancing Girl. Well… the best thing I can say about it is that it is something. Something not good at all, but it certainly is something. The dancing is creepy as hell considering their age group (they got to be in middle school since they are attending the same damn school as the Ovations), the song seems more like something the Pussycat Dolls would sing, the outfits are laughable, and the backup singer is terrible. It’s catchy, but I frankly wish it wasn’t.

Now comes the Ovations and their performance called Shooting Star. Well, it certainly was much better than that last song for sure. The makeup is pretty silly, especially on the backup dancers; and outside of a couple of questionable moves, the song isn’t half bad. I sort of dig the goofy opening of the song with the electronic voice, the choreograph dancing is pretty good, the singing isn’t half bad for a kid song (it’s all obviously lip-synching and dubbing, but whoever original sung this was good), and it was fun to watch. It’s easily the best song and dance of the film, but that isn’t saying much looking back on everything else and this song in any other musical movie would probably be the weakest song.

With both performances done, the winner is announced and like you probably saw coming a mile away, the Ovations win the day and a bunch of Wiggies throw a hissy fit at losing (though one of them is human enough to congratulate the winners). After winning, Joei takes Brittany to meet the man she’s been looking for throughout the entire film, who happens to not only be an executive of CVS, but also Brittany’s long lost dad (cue dramatic music!). Apparently, back in the late 90’s after ditching Brittany, the dad stole Joei’s dad’s money and used it to get to where he is (it is also implicated that he might have killed anyone who knew what he did), so Joei wants him to repaid back her family and thought that bringing Brittany along to reveal the truth might help make it easier for him to do so. However, the plan backfires when Brit storms off, frustrated at Joei for not telling her about this and of course at her dad for running out on the family.

Now later on, get this, Brittany wakes up and walks outside of her apartment to discover that the whole neighbor has gotten presents. Apparently, her dad, who shows up, wants to make amends and get the family back together again. He thinks that by giving everyone gifts, paying back her grandfather, and saying he’s sorry will make everything better (he also gave the money back to Joei’s family and even more). Well excuse me if I don’t call bulls**t on this. You cannot tell me that a guy who ditches his family and daughter since she was like one year old can just waltz back into the family after just suddenly meeting her after all this time and think everything will be all good by buying presents and paying money back to everyone. There’s no way in f**king hell that would work in real life.

And you know what? It works! It f**king works! All is forgiven and everyone’s happy with him, though Brittany says she’ll think about forgiving him. Again, bulls**t! This does not compute at all! What kind of f**ked world are they living in!?

The movie then ends with Brittany going to this party that the father is throwing for everyone, including the Wiggies. Why the hell are they there considering how big of assholes they were during this entire film; though I could sort of get why one of them would be there since she sort of turned around towards the end. Now, get this as well, the movie ends on this final conversation and I’m not making this up or editing it at all. These are the final words spoken in the film:

Dad: Happy?
Brittany: I’m working on it.
Dad: What do you want me to do? Buy you a house?
Brittany: No.
Dad: OK, uh, whatever you want. Just name it. Come on. Pick one thing and I’ll make it come true.
Brittany: I want you to bring back my mother.
Dad: Oh, my god. Honey, I, I wish I could do that. I will not let you down like I let you down like I let her down. OK? Just… my little baby. (Hugs each other)

That’s it. The movie ends right there as a jovial song plays. What the hell was that? You are going to end it right there, on that note of depression and sadness?! Bulls**t. You do not end a kid’s film on those final words and then switch it to funny and upbeat song. Imagine if Bambi ended with the mom dying and it cut to upbeat song as the credits rolled. What the crap.

Ugh, this movie gave me a headache. What an utter piece of crap. The messages and lessons this movie teaches are terrible, the dancing is often extremely uncomfortable to watch, the songs range from mediocre to downright awful (with exception of that song I mentioned earlier), the acting is forgettable to horrendous, the story was cliché and done to death before about the underdogs trying to be the popular kids, and the ending is biggest piece of crap I ever seen since Monster A-Go Go and Master of Martial Hearts.

The only good thing I can say is the Joei was sort of fun to watch and I did like the Shooting Star song. This movie sucks hard and I am not all that surprised that the director also did Mac and Me. This is the worst musical I have ever seen, the worst live acted kid’s film I’ve ever seen (the animated Titanic films are still worse), and quite possibly the worst film to come out of 2010. The list may have been right after all! Nothing left to say but f**k this movie and good night.

Movie Review: Animal Crossing

2011-08-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

Animal Crossing: The Movie
Rated ????
3 Slimes
Copyright Toho & Nintendo 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Ai: A young little girl who moves into Animal Village for some undisclosed reason. Not much to say other than that sadly. I wonder why she even moved to this town to begin with?

Bouquet the Cat: A hyper and clueless cat who is friends with Ai. She’s possibly the most quirky and silliest of all its citizens.

Sally the Elephant: An elephant whose dream in life is to become a fashion designer and who is also best friends with Ai. She moves out of the village to persuade her career.

Yu: A costume wearing and hyper boy who spends most of this time with Halberd playing games, searching for random things, or causing trouble for its citizens. He’s kind of like Winston from Home Improvement in the fact that you never see his true face, well until the end of the movie at least.

Halberd the Crocodile: Yu’s friend who is constantly always around him and in on his plans. For some reason, he can’t swim that well.

Apollo the Eagle: A grumpy, serious looking citizen who was at once a past lover of Bianca. Wonder what that was about?

Bianca the Wolf: A wolf that strives on wanting to be very ladylike and other girls to be as well. Once dated Apollo at one point, but from her dialogue, it seems that it ended badly.

Tom Nook: Ai’s new landlord and supporter of child labor. Frankly, I’m disappointed that he didn’t have more of a role in the film.

Tortimer: The town mayor whom everyone seems to forget exists. He constantly worries about the upcoming election, even though he is the only one running for office.

Mr. Resetti: A mole that constantly works below the village and bothers people with his ramblings when they do something wrong.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Cold weather will harden rock caverns.
+ Fishing in streams will result in finding boots, bicycles, and the occasional Moai.
+ Mole talk way too much.
+ Monkeys that exercise are not easy to trap.
+ Ninja garb is best worn when hunting bugs.
+ One suitcase is all you need when you move to a new place.
+ Pine trees will grow a story or two in just 6 months or less.
+ Rainbows lead to animal villages.
+ Tombstones are buried under the ground.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
0 min – Self-reliant nothing. Where the heck are her parents?!
5 min – And there he is, the slave driver himself. Tom Nook.
8 min – That catnip high cat has a point. Why are you here?
12 min – Bug catching ninjas. What a world she lives in.
14 min – It’s that damn mole! Where’s my mallet?
22 min – Ah-ha! She does have a parent!
24 min – An eagle and a wolf? Now there’s legislation that’ll never pass.
27 min – No you fool! You dig in the crack area, and then you find fossils.
30 min – Ai: Hooray! K.K. Slider! Wait… who is he anyways; no one told me anything!
39 min – K.K. Slider scares me.
42 min – I don’t think the porcupines should be so close to the inflatable raft.
47 min – Yu: Yeah! Now let’s rob them while their stuck!
54 min – There’s nothing quite like the drama of a town full of talking animals.
56 min – He ate all of your word and left without a simple thank you! That jerk!
62 min – Now that’s a keeper!
66 min – *Insert X-Files Theme Song Here*
74 min – You can’t swim? Some crocodile you turned out to be.
77 min – *Insert Close Encounters of the Third Kind Music Here*
80 min – Isn’t it sort of cheating? I mean the aliens did all the work!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Ai: (To Apollo) I’m sorry! I’m the person who messed up your garden! I came to deliver the goods, but you were out. Then a ninja appeared and…

Bouquet the Cat: (As everyone is about to go over a waterfall) I’m sorry! It was left!

Bouquet the Cat: Suddenly yelling is quite surprising.

Halberd & Bouquet: (As Yu falls) We’ll catch you, don’t worry!
Bouquet: (At the last minute) I’m too scared!

THE PLOT

Why? Just why? Why is there a movie about Animal Crossing? All of the video games in the world, why is there a movie about this particular game? I’ve played this game before and during my experience, I have never seen any material to make a movie out of. There is really no story to this game. Maybe you could make a TV anime or something, but a movie? Really? Let’s just see what this is all about.

Our film begins with a little named Ai moving into a small animal village. Many questions races through my thoughts at this opening. Why is she moving there? Where are her parents? Doesn’t she go to school? Are large talking animals a common occurrence in this world? Why is a kappa running a taxi service? So many questions, so very little time to answer them.

Ai arrives in Animal Village and meets up with Tom Nook, her new landlord. However, just like I would suspect from the raccoon, he immediately puts her to work without even showing where she’ll live. He has her basically deliver packages to all the quirky individuals living in the town; like super spacey hyper Bouquet the cat, Halberd the Crocodile, Bianca the Wolf, and others. She also meets the Yu, the bug catching ninja kid that lives over in the next village over. He is sort of cross between the Pokémon trainers Bug Catcher and Ninja Kid as you can imagine.

We are then treated a little montage of Ai as she lives her life in the village; helping out the locals, fixing up her home, harassed by Mr. Resetti, and being a slave to Tom. Just like in the game! Anyhow, as the days go by, she meets Apollo, the eagle of the town, who she seems to tick off when she accidently crushes some of his blue roses he was growing. Of course, she pleads that the ninja caused her fall into his garden (which is true), but since when do people accept ninjas as a proper excuse for things? Also, in one scene, we discover that Ai does indeed have a parent, a mom, who she writes a letter to about her experience in the town so far. Why did her mom send her to live out there by herself? Sure, it probably is the safest village in the entire world, but still.

As movie slowly moves along, Ai discovers a mysterious message in a bottle one night on the beach. She reads the message that states that a miracle will happen at the Winter Festival in Pine Forest. Suddenly, she looks up after reading it and sees what could possibly be a UFO! Ah ha! A plot point finally! Something that movie can finally work towards for some sort of a climax near the end.

We are at least 20 minutes in and strangely nothing has really happened. It’s mostly about Ai’s life in Animal Village and her experience with the locals. Well the film definitely is true to the game, it feels like nothing is really happened or going until now. It could be said that the movie is a Slice of Life story (essentially the story of people’s life, sort of like The Peanuts, Clerks, or Rugrats) so it could be excusable.

Anyhow, the movie continues at its pace with more stories of the village. We see Ai making friends with Sally the Elephant, who inspires to design and make the best clothing the world has ever seen and shares her cherry pie philosophy. We see Yu and Halberd digging for fossils (Sadly not digging on the crack where something should be buried) and accidently caving in Mr. Resetti’s tunnel system. We also learn of Apollo’s past, where he at one dated Bianca the wolf. Fascinating stories of interspecies romance and all of that. Also, Ai discovers the next message bottle, which has map marked with spots where pine trees should be planted in order to make the miracle happen. So we got possibly aliens with a green agenda throwing bottles in the ocean?

As Ai hangs out with Sally and Bouquet, they run into Yu and Halberd’s fossil expedition. Bouquet merely remarks that she seen more fossils in a cave then what the boys found. So, the two of them drag the girls along to find this cave and to find a lot of fossils. Inside the flooded cave, a wrong decision by Bouquet (who barely even remembers the place) and sends the group in their boat over a waterfall. However, when they land, they discover the mother load of fossils. Hooray for landing at coincidentally the place they wanted to be. However, when Yu breaks off a rock from the wall to get a fossil, the whole place starts coming down. So the whole cave was still standing because of that one rock? Anyhow, they manage to find an exit and escape as the whole place comes crashing down.

No need to dwell on that sad moment of losing a huge archeological find, the movie quickly cuts to that night for the firework festival where K.K. Slider plays to a huge crowd of… less than 20. What I find amusing about his performance is that when he sings K.K. Rhythm, it is just the game music. Well that’s fun for fans; it comes off as silly when his anime voice so does not match up with the electronic singing from the game. Back to the movie, after listening to the music and thinking about how dedicated Sally is to her dream of becoming a fashion designer, she decides to discover/find her own dream. Also, as she writes to her mom about has been happening recently, she looks up to her counter and looks at the four bottle messages (2 brand new ones), which seem to indicate more than ever that they are from aliens. I haven’t played Animal Crossing in a while, but can aliens appear in the game? If not, make it happen Nintendo!

The movie then jumps a couple of months into the future to Autumn where Ai discovers that Sally is moving out of town to become a designer and she never got the message for the going-away party. However, sadly, she can reach her friend in time as she has already moved out. I’m surprised Sally never mentioned this to Ai about leaving. You think she would tell her friend about her plans, but I guess they weren’t really THAT close after all.

Obviously, Ai is down in the dumps by this and spends her time at coffee shop drinking her sadness away. However, a sort of pep talk from Bianca and some encouraging words from a gluttonous walrus named Wendell seem to cheer her up a bit. Also, she gets a letter from Sally herself, who apologizes for not saying good-bye because it was too hard and would make her cry. Well at least she apologizes. That’s more than I would get in real life.

The film then jumps to Winter where everyone is setting up for the Winter Festival. Bouquet is getting ready for light decoration contest, Mr. Resetti is decorating the trees, Tom Nook is getting supplies, but Ai is preparing for something bigger. She has officially planted all of those trees in the spots on the map she got earlier and now must prepare for this miracle. At night, she spends time at the local observatory and starts watching the sky for any signs of UFO.

Coincidentally, a UFO does appear and wouldn’t you know it, crash lands in the center of town. The entire town heads to the crash site but only to discover that inside of the ship is Gulliver, a seagull. He had dropped off the bottles earlier to make an entrance for when he landed in the town, but unfortunately it didn’t go right and some of the parts to the ship broke off when he was descending to the earth. He asks the town to help him find the parts that broke off so he can repair the ship and they do so. I wonder how they broke off, considering that he didn’t hit anything on the way down.

Yu & Halberd head back to the cave from earlier, because he remembered seeing part fall into the cave earlier, along with Ai & Bouquet. They have trouble pushing some of the rubble blocking the cave entrance, but suddenly Sally pops up and helps them out. Turns out she took some time off to come back to see the festival and her friends. Well is that plot convenient moment!

Anyhow, they recover the piece inside after some dangerous hijinks and the unmasking of what Yu really looks like when he isn’t wearing a costume. They return back to Gulliver and the townsfolk with their part, but discover that they brought back in extra piece. Guess what? Suddenly, tons of UFOs appear above them, attracted to the lights on the trees that Ai planted earlier; and the machine part turns into a living mini UFO! However, it’s been damaged when it crashed into Gulliver’s ship (Ah! So that explains the broken parts), but it turns out that motherships have blue healing tractor beam powers that fix the little guy up. The little ship takes off with the rest of saucers back to their home world, flying behind a constellation of Ai’s face as a thank you and reminder.

The film wraps up with Gulliver heading home in his own UFO. Once he is high above the clouds, he takes a look down on the place and sees that a giant glowing star made of lights from the village and the neighboring communities as well, which he planned along with messages in the bottles he sent out. Also, we hear some final words from Ai to mother, saying that after all the experiences she had and the events of the night, she finally feels like a true member of Animal Village.

Now, how was the film? Being based off a video game that really had no plot to begin with and being based of a game in general, I’m quite impressed and really happy with the final results. The movie really feels like Animal Crossing with how it gets to what its plot is. It’s the story of a single person moving to brand new home in a community with unique and interesting individuals and forming strong friendships with them. It’s a simple story, but the filmmakers took the right route with it. As for the rest, the animation is good and invokes the art style of the original games really well, the characters are fun (Not extremely developed or anything, but good enough for what purpose they hold in the film), the music is nice, the humor was decent, and the voice acting isn’t too bad. Of course it is all foreign language, so I’m not sure how good they really are.

Looking towards the negative, I have to admit, as good as the movie was, I feel that it would have been still better as an anime series. The movie has tons of subplots in it and there really isn’t a central story going on throughout the film, outside of the mystery of the bottles. All of these subplots, like the part with Apollo & Bianca or the mayor’s reelection campaign, could have worked better as a TV episode because I feel we could have gotten better resolution for that point if it was given more time. Just a personal opinion. Other than that, I think there was a plot point or two that didn’t work or could have been made better with a bit more tweaking. Also, I think Ai’s back story should have been given. I would have liked it if we knew a little bit more about why she moved into the town or why her parents let her.

Over all, I think this was a solid movie and very well made video game adaption. Probably the best there is, but really, what is its competition outside of Mortal Kombat or Silent Hill possibly?

Movie Review: Interstella 5555

2011-08-10T11:34:00.001-05:00

Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem
Unrated
4 Slimes
Copyright Toei Animation & Virgin Records 2003

THE CHARACTERS

Stella: The bass guitarist and female band member who is probably the main motivation for Shep to rescue everyone. She’s a bit on the unlucky side since she is the last person to be freed from mind control and is used to power up Earl’s cylinder thingy.

Shep: A space pilot, who is big fan of the band in the film and possibly a bit loopy, considering his delusional daydream for Stella. During his rescue mission, he is killed by one of Earl’s Terminator guards. However, that doesn’t stop his ghost from saving the band later on in the film.

Arpegius: The guitarist who surprising is not the main hero of the film. I normally come to expect this sort of thing with my anime after awhile.

Baryl: The drummer. How old is he anyways? He looks like a little kid almost.

Octave: The keyboardist and lead singer. The bad guys decide to make him to the token black member of the group when they recolor the group.

Earl de Darkwood: Now there’s a generic villain name! He’s evil band manager who kidnaps aliens to earn Gold Records, which will help him achieve global conquest. He suffers a Disney related death by falling from a great height.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Alien devices cannot produce a signal able to penetrate human skin.
+ Aliens make good fertilizer.
+ Entire alien planets will stop everything they are doing to listen to one band play.
+ Today’s musicians are so bad that we must now kidnap alien ones.
+ Fanboys are our only hope to save bands from intergalactic kidnappers.
+ Gold Records are the key to universal domination.
+ Once the music cult leader falls to his death, his followers will do a lemming stampede off to follow him.
+ Paint can change your skin pigment.
+ Secret passages do not need hidden levers or keys to open them up.
+ Sheep love Daft Punk music.
+ The inside of a spaceship and a wormhole looks like a rave.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – It’s like 2001, but with less pretty colors!
4 min – Yes, rock on with that tambourine you badass.
5 min – This is why NASA isn’t allowed to play music while they work.
10 min – FREEZE FRAME! Doctor Wily?! Is that you?
11 min – Hey, there weren’t any security cameras able to get pictures from those angles.
18 min – Stop the press! There was an actual sound effect in this film.
21 min – And his global conquering plan begins through power of music!
24 min – Whoa! Cheering now? The sound effect quota as skyrocketed recently!
27 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BAD DRIVER!
30 min – Ah ha! You guys couldn’t stay away from a cameo could you?
41 min – Yes, the villain’s diary must be sitting out in the open and easily spotted. It would be too hard for the heroes to figure out the back-story otherwise.
50 min – I love how the world is just so accepting of this.
59 min – Yes, Power Rangers poses!

NOTABLE QUOTES
What quotes? No one talked during the entire damn film. Then again, why is this even here if that’s the case?

THE PLOT

It’s not often that one encounters a film like this. It is a film, according to Wikipedia, that is a visual realization of a music album. In this case, it’s Daft Punk’s Discovery album. It is also an anime produced by Leiji Matsumoto, the man behind Captain Harlock and Galaxy Express 9999 (None of which I have seen). It’s an interesting concept to say the least and deserves a look into it. As such, let’s examine this unique feature.

Our film opens up on some alien planet where a bunch of blue skinned aliens (Get Avatar out of your mind right now) are performing a concert with the hit title, One More Time, is playing. Strangely, the lyrics are in English, despite this being another planet somewhere outside of our solar system from the looks of it. Are singing in Rigellian or something?

Anyhow, as the band plays on, a spaceship shows up on their planet and launches a bunch mini-crafts full of Stormtroopers. They invade the concert and start launching gas bombs that knock out everyone, while Aerodynamic plays (whose playing that music now that band is out of it?). The mysterious baddies take the band with them and blast off back to their HQ.

Meanwhile, a distress signal from the planet’s… whatever base is sent to help recover the band. The person who picks it up is someone called Shep, what looks like a fanboy of the band and is singing the next song, Digital Love; who decides to help out. He takes off after the enemies in his electric guitar spaceship, but ends up crashing when his ship takes damage going through the wormhole the villains use. Where does the ship crash and where do the baddies take the band? Why Earth of course! Apparently we have technology able to cross entire galaxies to kidnap alien bands. Well as long as it is being put to good use.

The band is taken into some kind of strange lab (Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger is the next song to play) as the baddies start changing them into something more Earth appropriate. Their minds are warp; their skin and hair is dyed human colors; and they are given more human looking clothing, plus some weird looking shades that look like they have some sort of mind control device attached to them. The result of this makeover is that they look like some silly 80’s band, though the vocalist who is now black looks like he stepped out of the 70’s.

The evil leader that kidnapped them, called Earl de Darkwood, becomes their band manger and takes them to recording studio to produce their first hit, One More Time from earlier in the film. From there, we are set on a musical montage, to the song Crescendolls, as the band, also amusingly now called The Crescendolls, rises in fame across the globe and Earl rakes in the dough. I’m more surprise by the fact that the band is so popular and hit with everyone, considering the fact that they smile and they always look like they are in a daze. While brainwashing while do that people I suppose.

The next song, Nightvision, plays as we see the band is reaching their limits and are completely exhausted by the events that have been going on. I wonder if they are even getting any sleep at this point since they don’t even look like they had a break? Also, Shep, who is still alive, is wandering the streets of some city and discovers what has happened to his favorite band, more importantly to Stella, the female member who he is in love with. Then with a dramatic hand and fist clench pose, similar to the cover from The Dark Knight Strikes Back #1, he vows to rescue and save his beloved band and out of his league girl.

Following this, Superheroes begins as the band begins a live concert in front of hundreds cheering them on and an orchestra backing them. What better time than now for something to crash this shindig? Right on que, Shep shows up and manages to free almost free all the band from this mind control shades. However, when he is about to rescue Stella, Earl jump right behind the two of them. Strange thing I know, but how is alien technology not able to produce a device that send out signals that can go through a human being? My remote control is more powerful than his gizmo that he uses to free the others from their sunglasses.

Anyhow, Shep and other band members make a break for it in a van. The bad guys give chase, but stop by a semi truck when they aren’t paying attention to the road. However, the baddies survive when it turns out they are Terminators in disguise! Seriously.

Despite being 3 band members short, Earl still continues with whatever plans he has by just using Stella. Well I’ll give him points for still trying despite a massive setback. The High Life plays as we have another montage of Stella’s success as Earl takes her to an award ceremony to receive a Gold Record for the One More Time song. As they are up on stage, one of the band members hits with a signal that breaks the mind control device, allowing her to escape. What I love is how Earl is so wrapped up in the Gold Record and making silly evil looking faces as he stares at it, he is clueless that she manages to sneak off stage in front of a giant audience and he never notices or no one ever points it out to him until it’s too late.

Stella is taken to the rest of the band and Shep at an abandon warehouse (Something About Us plays now). Sad news is that Shep is dying from a bullet wound he received early when he helped the others escape. He manages to share one moment with his love Stella and helps remind the band of who they really are before passing on. The band drives off somewhere far away from the city and gives Shep a proper burial, allowing his spirit to pass on (Voyager plays now).

As the band drives off, not knowing what to do next, they find a sign for Darkwood Manor. Stella remembers finding a card earlier that Earl dropped that had name on it. With no other choice, they decide to check it out. Once there, the card opens the door for them and they start exploring the place once in. During their exploration, they discover a book called Veridis Quo, which is also the title of the song currently playing. It’s the back story of the Earl, who is somehow centuries old (I don’t know the reason though), who’s been kidnapping aliens since the era Mozart and turning them into human musicians (It looks like Jimmi Hendrix was an alien according to this movie). Every time he gets a gold record for the artist (How old is the concept of a Gold Record anyhow?), he kills the alien by dropping them into a pit and having them fall to their death. The old Disney Kill method, of course! After he apparently gets 5,555 records, it’ll give some him some sort of power to rule the universe.

Turns out that they are 5,555 band/musician to earn a gold record, so Earl’s plan can now happen. Just as the thought hits them, they are surrounded by his guards and taken to him and his cult below the manor. There, he takes Stella, shoves her into this slot in a giant cylinder, and begins reading a chant from the Veridis Quo. The book starts to glow and Arpegius, the guitarist for the band, makes a break for it to rescue her, after destroying Earl’s two Terminator robots. He knocks Earl and the last Gold Record into the pit (which causes the rest of music cult to follow in after Earl for some reason); and then pulls Stella from the cylinder.

The device/cylinder fails to do whatever it was going to do and decides to set off the self-destruction for the entire place (Short Circuit starts now). The band escapes the place and takes a look at the book more closely now that they recovered it from Earl. They get a better understanding of the technology and where their memories have been archived in (earlier, Earl had erased a bunch of their memory, but decided to keep it on 4 disks for safe keeping). Octave, the vocalist of the band, breaks into the record company where they were signed on earlier to retrieve the master recording for One More Time, which is where the disks were placed. As he grabs them and escapes, the security guards run into them and taser him when he reaches into his coat pocket. The shock is enough to change him back to his original blue skin color, surprising the guards.

Face to Face plays, as a huge police investigation is launched in response to the discovery of who the band really is and the discovery of Shep’s ship. The entire world is told the truth of what happened to them and why they are really here, showing the evidence from the book and destroyed manor. Instead of governments from all over the planet wanting to hold them forever and dissect them to figure out what they are, everyone just decides to send them back home. After returning them back to their normal form and giving them everything they need to return home, they blast off in Shep’s repaired ship as their fans cheer them on.

The final song plays, Too Long, as heroes venture back home. Seems like everything is wrapping up nice and easy, right? WRONG! As they head through the wormhole back to their home, Earl’s essence/spirit comes to attack them and destroy the ship. However, Shep’s spirit shows up and holds off Earl long enough for the group to make it back home, where everyone eagerly awaits them. As soon as they arrive though, they start playing for a concert. Now that’s dedication! Back on Earth, they managed to somehow pick up the band’s concert and are now playing it across the globe. Don’t know how that works, but okay. The film then closes out the band unveils as statue to Shep in memory and a remix for Aerodynamic plays during the credits.

So how was the film exactly? It’s one of more unique and different experiences I have had with a film in the fact that visuals and music tell the story. It feels like a music video movie (which it probably might be). I found the time rather enjoyable and experience well worth sitting through. Daft Punk’s music is great (though personally, I didn’t like two of the songs), the animation was excellent, and the story rather enjoyable, with an occasional leap of logic.

As for the bad, well, there are 2 problems. A lot of character models seem to be overused in this film and it becomes rather noticeable, especially with the more goofy looking characters in the background. The other problem isn’t really an issue with the content or quality of the film, but with what the film is. It is a movie with no dialogue and just techno music by Daft Punk playing with the occasional sound effect, with a reliance on the music and the animation to tell what is going on. Lots of people may not like that kind of film or may find it difficult to follow along with what is happening due to no one speaking. This could seriously drive people from it and make it more of a hard sell to an audience outside of big movie lovers or anime & Daft Punk fans. It doesn’t hurt the quality film, it’s just a problem people could have with it.

Despite the film not having a big target audience, it is still a very well made and enjoyable film. I’m not sure if there are any other films like this, because I would love to check them out. Until then, I’ll be sticking with this film.

Strike Witches Part 1: Episode 1

2011-04-19T09:42:00.002-05:00

Strike Witches Part 1: Episode 1
Rated MA
3 Slimes
Copyright Funimation Entertainment 2010

THE CHARACTERS

Yoshika Miyafuji: The main character of our story who has no desire to fight in the war. 10 bucks says that tune changes quickly in the next episode. She goes with Mio to Britain to see if her father is still alive. Also, she seems to only wear her school uniform everywhere she goes. Is she just too poor to afford other clothing?

Mio Sakamoto: The oldest Strike Witch and Squadron Leader of the group. She is the one that tries to recruit Yoshika into the group. She strangely has a Geass looking right eye and has a laugh that makes her sound older.

Michiko Yamakawa: Yoshika’s best friend who seems to be way too fragile if watermelon pieces can pierce through her skin.

Ichirou Miyafuji: Yoshika’s dad who is one of the creators of the Striker Units and is believed to be dead. However, a letter of his shows up, signaling that either he may be alive or a it is convoluted ploy to get Yoshika involved in the war.

Strike Witches: A very elite fighting force made to fight the Neuroi also called 501st Joint Fighter Wing. It consists of young witch girls who believe pants and skirts are for suckers. I wonder how their legs stay warm since flying high up in the atmosphere must be cold.

Neuroi: Alien fighters from beyond the stars as far as I know. They like to have their ships covered with glowing Tron like lines all over them.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ If aliens had invaded during WWII, pants would have become optional in the future.
+ Broken watermelon pieces are incredibly sharp.
+ Witches are part canine, part fox, part rabbit, part dog, and part cat.
+ School uniforms do not consists of pants or skirts, but a one piece swimsuit.
+ Fighting aliens is more important than helping people at a health clinic.
+ Only one person is needed to clean an aircraft carrier.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
3 min – Do a barrel roll!
4 min – I think I reached a maximum of money shots for the rest of the month with this one scene alone.
5 min 29 sec – FREEZE FRAME! Isn’t that Himeko from Pani Poni Dash in the back?
6 min – How the hell can you even see that ship from your angle and from behind a hill?
9 min – She approached her from behind, despite the fact she was in front of her a second ago.
10 min – Whoa, where did she teleport in?
14 min – Mio Sakamoto: You didn’t come to sign up? Then take a hike you brat!
20 min – Oh thank God! A girl wearing a swimsuit that isn’t completely creepy.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Mio Sakamoto: Now let’s say we put that power of yours to work for us fighting against the Neuroi.
Yoshika Miyafuji: Alright! … HUH?!

THE PLOT

If I were to tell you that there exists a show out there that involves little girls flying around with fox/cat/dog ears that shoot down alien spaceships, you would laugh in my face. Then if I told you it was an anime, you probably say, “Oh, I could see that.” As such, allow me to introduce you to the action & fetish fuel packed show known as Strike Witches.

What we are dealing with here today is a weird one indeed. It is probably one of the strangest, not to mention one of the most perverted, and yet silliest conception for anime I have ever seen. However, I, admittedly, am a bit curious about what the show is like. I mean it’s like Vampire’s Night Orgy; you know it probably won’t be good but you still got to see this to believe it. As such, I’ll take a look at the first season (I’ll look at season 2 when it’s dubbed) and see if it has anything really going for it outside of the creepy fan service and the silly premise.

Also, let’s start up a fun drinking game for the first episode! Every time we see a fan service shot of any of the girls, take a shot. Now let us begin…

We begin with a prologue that tells us about the invasion of Neuroi, spaceships that have Tron markings, which are attacking major countries and wiping them out. However, to combat these video game looking UFOs, army personal create machines called Striker Units (those spaceship/airplane looking legwarmers/tall boots that the characters wear) that heighten magical powers, which are the only thing able to fight these enemies. So all the nations of the world send out a call to the witches everywhere to join the 501st Joint Fighter Wing and fight these space invaders. In a surprising move, this whole introduction contains no fan service. Don’t get use to that.

After a catchy opening number (let’s not start up on the drinking just yet during that opening), we see the Strike Witches attack one of the Neuroi ships. In all honestly, it’s not that bad of an action scene as the girls lay waste to the machine with rifles, missile launchers, machine guns, and the like. However, in this barley 2 minute scene alone, make sure to take 12 shots right away because you’ll see that many crotch & panty shots right away. Oh goodie, this certainly will be a classy action show, won’t it?

We then meet out main character, Yoshika Miyafuji, leaving the local perverted middle school with her friend Michiko. I don’t care if it’s an all girl school run by girls; the uniforms have a creepy Pedobear feel to them. Anyhow, Yoshika and Michiko hitch a ride with Michiko’s grandfather in the back of his wagon and have some small talk about the war. As they do, they are currently being spied on by Mio Sakamoto, one of the Strike Witches from earlier. By the way, take 9 shots for the scenes from the school to this point.

Speaking of taking shots, if you are truly drinking, let’s stop right now for health concerns. We aren’t even halfway through this episode and I think it’s only to get worse the further we continue.

Suddenly, a raccoon acting like squirrely all of a sudden runs out in front of the wagon causing the grandfather to swerve violently out of the way. Frankly, I didn’t even think they were going that fast, but it apparently fast even to throw the girls out of the back and flip the vehicle. While Yoshika is okay, despite landing on her chin, Michiko, who landed on her side, apparently got stabbed in the chest in the accident. From what, I have no clue; I’m just going to assume that watermelons in the back were extremely sharp when they broke into pieces.

Yoshika runs to her friend’s side and begins to use a healing spell to fix the wound. She is in fact a witch and when you are a witch, you grow animal ears and tail. I’m pretty sure that’s not in any myth, legend, fable, or story I heard about witches. She is having a hard time with the spell, but luckily, Mio pops up and gives her some encouraging words, which helps her heal her friend. After performing the spell, she passes out.

Yoshika wakes up in her family’s health clinic, where her mom and her grandma (who are the only women so far to wear any form of pants or skirt thankfully) are finishing healing up Michiko. They point out Mio, who is also there, is the one who carried them back. She introduces herself and then offers to enlist her in joining the army and her Strike Witch division. Yes, because 14 years old that look like they are 10 are the perfect choice to fight in a war. Naturally, Yoshika says no because she doesn’t like the war and because she wants to take over the health clinic when she gets older. Mio then flat out insults her and her choice not to join. Frankly, I think she is going about this recruiting process the wrong way.

Anyways, Mio leaves to let Yoshika think about her proposal, but firmly states that she believes that the young witch will be joining her soon enough. What, will Mio be using her Geass powers to convince or something? The following day, Yoshika receives a letter from her father in Britannia (Prehaps I was not too far off on my Code Geass joke after all), who is supposed to be dead. In the letter happens to be a few photos, one of which shows her dad with Mio. Curious at the possibility that her dad may still be alive, she goes to Mio to have her be brought to Britannia to find her father. It maybe just a guess, but why do I have a feeling that Mio gave that letter to the mailman in order to trick Yoshika into coming with her?

While on the long journey to Britannia, Mio shows Yoshika the Striker Units and demonstrates how they work and fly. Also, they apparently turn you part CGI in some scenes as well. Yoshika is impressed with the machine, but still says she has no interest in fighting the enemy. All of a sudden, Neuroi ship attacks the fleet they are traveling with. Our episode then ends as the UFO starts laying waste to the ships and Yoshika flees below deck in terror.

And so that ends the first episode of our fan service crazy series. It this episode alone, not counting the opening and closing themes, I have counted at least 37 fan service shots alone. Considering the fact that most of these girls are underage or look underage, this is quite creepy as you can imagine. After awhile though, you just get numb to it and stop noticing everything.

However, I have to admit, this wasn’t too bad. Outside of what I mentioned, some occasional poorly integrated CGI shots, and some nitpicks; this was a solid opening episode. The action was good; the main character is developed enough, likeable, and has a good reason why she doesn’t want to be a part of the war; the animation is great; and the dubbing is solid. I think this show has potential to be actually pretty decent, with the only thing holding it back is the fan service.

I can’t really recommend anyone to watch the show despite this. However, I can say that if you want to riff on something, this be the perfect anime to do so given its content. With the first episode out of the way and the surprising fact that this show is actually pretty good so far, I am actually looking forward to continuing on with this review, unlike that other anime. Stay tuned for Part 2 in coming in the future.

Movie Review: Rock & Rule

2011-02-18T12:50:00.000-06:00

Rock & Rule
Rated PG
2 Slimes
Copyright Nelvana Limited 1983

THE CHARACTERS

Omar: Robin Zander (When singing)! A world class jerk and almost uncaring person, but with a heart of gold I suppose, and he is Angel’s boyfriend. A cat and dog living together? It is the end of world!

Angel: Debbie Harry (When singing)! A cat girl (not the Japanese kind) who is a backup singer in a band and wants to make it big. Her voice is the key to opening dimensions and releasing a gigantic demon.

Dizzy & Stretch: Members of the band Omar and Angel are a part of. They don’t really add much to the story overall, but hey, let’s bring them up anyways.

Mok: Lou Reed (When singing)! A big time rock star that wants to rule the world (most likely) through the power of rock and a huge demon, which can be summoned by Angel. He is thrown into the pit at the end of the movie.

Demon: Iggy Pop! The cosmic horror that Mok wants to summon to rule the world or something like that. My question is if he thought this out. Would this demon be even controllable when it came? Doesn’t matter, since it sent back to its own world at the end of the film.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Blondie’s voice is the key to another dimension.
+ Bodyguards and henchmen are outfitted in rollerblades.
+ Computers run on Tron.
+ Demon summoning requires lots of electricity.
+ In the future, rock stars are scientists.
+ The best way to get someone’s attention to rip the top of someone’s car off.
+ Video games will survive a nuclear war.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – Wow, two minutes in and movie is already really weird.
7 min – So fashion has taken a nose dive in the future as well I see.
11 min – AH! Stop the flashing!
22 min – What’s in there? Dog nip?
24 min – Hey, her hair changed color.
33 min – Now that’s traveling music!
41 min 18 Sec – FREEZE FRAME! Now you don’t see that in cartoons often.
48 min – Oh thank God that scene ended.
54 min – What? We couldn’t actually see what happen and are just being told what happened? What is this No Country for Old Men? Don’t pull this crap!
58 min – I think he is too high to answer questions.
65 min – Now there’s some shameless stock footage.
72 min – I’m getting flashbacks to The Haunted Mansion all of a sudden.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Mok: Evil spelled backward is "live," and we all want to live, don't we?

TIX News Reporter: KIX morning news update. Mok's promise to rewrite rock history was prematurely and tragically interrupted last night when an overwhelming power surge totally destroyed Carnage Hall and blacked out the entire city. Survivors described the destruction as "evil," "spooky," and "wow, bad karma, man."

THE PLOT

A Rock and Roll animated movie that stars Blondie, Iggy Pop, Cheap Trick, and other bands and singers from the early 80’s. Now that sounds interesting! I never seen such an interesting line-up of people involved in a movie since Bug. Let’s give this thing a look!

We begin with a prologue about how a war ended and only dogs, cats, and rats survived it by evolving into a race of mutants. Strange, you think cockroaches would survive a war. It then tells us that Mok, a legendary superocker, who retired and uses his computers to decipher an ancient code that will open a doorway between his world and another’s, provide that he can the last component which is a special voice. So society falls, 3 species of animals survive by mutating, rock stars now conducting strange scientific experiment, and people with certain voices can open different dimensions. The future is weird.

As this mysterious Mok searches for this voice, we see a small time band playing in the town of Ohmtown. During their performance, one of the band members named Angel sings her song and captures the attention of the Mok, believing her to be the one. He invites her and the band to his place to discuss her singing. He has the band hypnotizes with glowing pink balls (you need this to see it to believe it) so he can talk to her privately.

He offers to let her join him and… something, the background music’s so loud and he’s so vague that I can barely figure out what the hell he is talking about. When she refuses, the world goes all psychedelic and Tron like which knocks her out… I think. He then kidnaps her and takes her to New York, dumping the rest of the band out of his house. Once they’re out of their trippin’ balls state, the band chases after Angel.

Angel manages to escape her cell, with the help of a really stupid guard named Cindy, and discovers Mok’s true plan as he talks to his computer. He also hears that it is possible to return the demon back to its world, but apparently there is ‘no one’ that could stop him. Angel and Cindy head to a club… because Cindy is stupid, she doesn’t realize Angel is a captive, and because the plot says so. The band arrives at the club as well because… I dunno. The movie is really hard to follow and pretty insane.

As they all dance to Earth Wind & Fire song, Angel is recaptured and the rest of the band, besides lead singer and Angel’s boyfriend, Omar, is captured by Mok’s goon squad. He chases after Angel and runs into her and Mok, making him think she went to him willingly. However, it turns out to be an imposter disguise as Angel. Got to give it up to Mok for managing to make an Angel mask, finding a willing imposter, hoping that Omar will just run into them by chance, and setting everything else up on the spur of the moment.

Later, Mok forces Angel to work/sing for him or otherwise he’ll torture her friends to death inside his glowly pink ball of death. She agrees to sing and he releases them, but also brainwashes them and sends them back to Ohmtown. After an off screen disaster at the concert in New York, Mok has to relocate his demon summoning plans to Ohmtown. Oh how ironic and so very plot convenient!

The concert is set up at a power planet (Hey, summoning a demon takes a lot of electricity!) and Angel begins her invocation. As the demon is being summoned, it causes an electric power surge in the entire city, which knocks the sense back into the band members. They arrive on scene just as the demon is fully summoned. Omar manages to save Angel from the demon’s grasp and she then realizes that if she could bring the demon to this dimension, she send it right back with the power of rock!

The awesome power of her singing, followed by Omar joining in is enough to send the demon back to where it came, since in reality the demon needs to sent back by more than one person. Mok responds in horror and hamminess as one of his goons (whose brother was killed earlier when the summoning happened) throws him into the pit with the demon, banishing him from this world. With that done, the band starts singing (well you got to finish the concert somehow) and the credits roll as the music plays.

Well that’s Rock & Rule and wow, just wow. It’s been a while since I saw an animated movie this insane or surreal. On the negative side of things; the animation is occasionally bad, characters are introduced and forgotten or dropped when the plot requires it, the voicing acting is forgettable and laughable at points, sometimes the background music makes it hard or impossible to hear what the characters are saying (that’s a first), and the worse of all, the movie feels very padded out. Even though the movie doesn’t even cross 80 minutes, a lot of scenes seemed very stretched out or pointless in the grand scheme of things.

However, there are still good things about the film. The animation, while bad, is unique and is often surreal in a good sort of a way. The movie has a lot of intentional and unintentional funny moments that make the film fun to watch. The best thing about the movie, obviously, is the soundtrack. All of the songs are enjoyable, catchy, and really sung well, especially Angel’s Song by Blondie.

This is a movie that deserves to be seen, despite the shortcomings that it is. It’s a very different type of animated film, with an extremely well done soundtrack that is in desperate need to be released on iTunes. If you can find it, check it out and rock on.

Movie Review: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

2011-02-06T19:21:00.000-06:00

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Unrated
Skull
Copyright 20th Century Fox

THE CHARACTERS

Chun-Li: Started off as a Chinese girl, but grew up into a Latino looking girl. Genetics blow my mind. Looking for her father and looking to find herself, she becomes part of some unknown group trying to take down Bison Light. She kills him in front of his own daughter. Our hero everybody!

Gen: He ain’t Gen so he’ll be lovingly referred to as Liu Kang for this review. The leader of the Web of Shadows or something like that and is trying to take down Bison Light throughout the movie. He sucks at that by the way.

Charlie Nash: He has no purpose to the plot and is yet one of the most entertaining parts of the movie. I think was channeling David Curso and Don Johnson for most of his performance. Anyways, he’s some sort of Interpol detective trying to bring down Bison Light.

Detective Maya Sunee: Like Nash, she is barely important to the plot, but hey, let’s bring her up anyways. A detective who is working with Nash to take down Bison Light.

Rose: Bison Light’s daughter from Russia. She sees her father get killed in front of her towards in the end of the movie by Chun-Li. I wonder if this will encourage her to take whatever is left of Bison Light’s empire and use it to kill Chun-Li.

M. Bison: Neal McDonough! He ain’t M. Bison so he’ll be lovingly referred to as Bison Light for most of the review. He was born a Chinese baby, but yet grew up into a British guy. Biology is strange. His master plan to take over the slums is extremely flawed and could have been handled in a far more legal route, but nope, he’s a villain so how he accomplishes his goals must be EVIL. His neck is snapped by Chun-Li in front of his daughter.

Balrog: Michael Clarke Duncan! Bison Light’s right hand man who seems to be enjoying his job way too much. He’s stabbed to death with a pipe by Gen.

Vega: He ain’t Vega so he’ll be lovingly referred to as Wolverine Jason for this review. He’s some random assassin that Bison Light hires to kill Chun-Li, but she kicks his ass in a very unconvincing manner.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Setting your hands on fire will not hurt your hands in the slightest.
+ Gentlemen do not hurt school girls, but pianist is another story.
+ Chinese girls grow up to be Latino girls.
+ Everyone in Bangkok speaks perfect English and has no accent.
+ All authority figures or people with power in Bangkok are American or British.
+ Blindfold training involves buzz saws and katanas.
+ Chinese nightclubs play American Hip-Hop.
+ Bathroom stalls are made of glass.
+ Steam will fix a bullet wound.
+ Handguns make ping noises when fired.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Pay close attention folks, Chun-Li is currently Asian here as a little girl…
4 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A GLASS PLATE DOOR!
6 min – Oh my God it’s a corporate Nazi!
9 min – …now then, as you can see, Chun-Li is a completely different race now.
11 min – Wow! It’s just like New York City.
23 min – You weren’t told that and the scroll never said that either. Stop making s**t up.
26 min – Is she going to become Batgirl or something?
33 min – No, you really are hurting her. I think almost some of her bones broke as well.
35 min – Despite being in China, the news articles are in English.
45 min – I’m stuck movie limbo, it finally happened.
54 min – WTF am I watching and why I am still watching it?
68 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST WATERMELONS!
79 min – And now the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare movie is playing for some reason.
85 min – Where the hell did she come from?
88 min – *Reviewer is laughing uncontrollably at the special effects*
90 min – What a bitch.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Charlie Nash: Nash out!

Det. Maya Sunee: So... where do we start?
Charlie Nash: You don't want a ticket to this dance, Detective.
Det. Maya Sunee: You've never even seen me dance.

THE PLOT

Ah yes, Street Fighter. Now that was silly movie if I remember correctly. Hammy, bad acting, bad fight scenes, and yet strangely amusing. Now fast forward over a decade later and we have yet another live action Street Fighter movie, this time directed by the guy who brought us Doom. Oh goody, because that screams the mark of quality right there doesn’t it? Anyways, before we begin, the movie version I’m using for the review is the uncut version, so there may be a few difference than the theatrical cut.

We open with a flashback to Chun-Li reflecting back on her childhood when she moved with her family to China, where she learned Wushu (a type of martial arts which I hear isn’t a fighting type amusingly enough) from her father as she studies to be a concert pianist. I’m already beginning to doubt how accurate this movie is to the video games. Then one night, Balrog and a bunch of ninjas break into Chun-Li’s home to kidnap her father in one of the silliest wire, slow-mo, and CGI fight scene I have ever seen.

During the fight, instead of doing the sensible thing and call the police when you hear things getting smashed or people fighting, Chun-Li just wanders down and Balrog quickly takes her hostage. Then a gust wind blows out of nowhere and M. Bison, who looks absolutely nothing like his video game counterpart, wanders in and forces the dad to come with him and goon squad. We then see Chun-Li watch as her father is dragged off into the night.
A couple of years later, we see Chun-Li performing behind a green screen effect on her piano so I suppose her career has taken off . We also see somewhere in Bangkok that Bison Light talking to a generic group of businessmen/crime bosses (I think one of them is Frank D’Amico from Kick-Ass) about taking over the slums and their crime territories. The guys don’t agree to this, so Bison Light has Wolverine Jason (Aka Vega) kill them. You know, there is a probably a better and more legal way to get there land, but that wouldn’t be EVIL enough for him.

Chun-Li takes this mysterious scroll she got after one of her performance to some lady who translates it. Apparently, Chun-Li needs to go meet this random guy Gen to find herself or some crap like that. Meanwhile, we see Charlie Nash, an Interpol agent, teaming up Detective Maya Sunee to bring down Bison Light. It’s not important to the plot until the very end, but hey, I’ll mention it early.

We then watch Chun-Li ditch everything in her life and throw out all her memories apparently to find Gen because the scroll told her to do. It just goes on and on and on as we listen to her boring monologues that sound she going to doze off at any moment. Then one night, a bunch of thugs, who aren’t even Chinese, beat up an old lady for no reason (Really, she’s just walking by and decide to kick the crap out of her, not even rob her) and Chun-Li steps in and beats them all up. She then passes out from exhaustion, but luckily Liu Kang just happens to show up. Thank God for movie convenience.

Liu Kang (Okay he’s Gen, but screw it. That’s not the character from the game I know) explains to her that he run some sort of small underground organization that is to suppose to protect the people living the slums and that he used to be a part of Shadaloo, which Bison Light runs. Liu offers to train Chun-Li and have her become part of his team so that they can rescue her father, who is still alive and is being used by Bison Light for some mumbo jumbo that has no business being in a movie called Street Fighter. She accepts, after he cracks some her bones in a bad fight scene.

He then trains her to use some sort of magical, glowly ball power that make absolutely no sense and is probably the silliest use of CGI I have ever seen before. After that weird moment, we see Chun-Li do a little research and figure out that Shadaloo is secretly using the fake business name of Esperanto. Speaking of which, Bison Light forces a bunch of land owners to sell them their property in the slums by holding their family hostage. I’m pretty sure he could have gotten the land in a far more legal way, but that wouldn’t be EVIL enough would it?

Chun-Li spies on Balrog, one of Bison Light’s cronies from before, and hears about a shipment called White Rose. She decides to confront Catanna, one of Bison Light’s employees, to get any information about this. After a boring catfight (There’s a phrase I thought I never say), she gets her the info she wants and takes off Catwoman style over the rooftops.

Liu then fills Chun-Li about Bison Light’s back story that is stupid and very disgusting, as in killing his wife to rip out his unborn baby so he could transfer his ‘good’ soul into the baby so he can completely evil. What the hell is this? Would you even connect this to Street Fighter? Hell no, this is only a strange crime drama martial arts flick with the Street Fighter logo slapped on it. Screw this movie.

Balrog and his men attack Liu Kang’s home when Chun-Li isn’t there anymore and blow it up, while Wolverine Jason hunts down Chun-Li. In yet another silly and pathetic fight scene, Chun-Li kicks his ass and moves on. This is unbelievable. This movie manage to make not only a catfight uninteresting, but one with a hot chick fighting a guy with Wolverine claws. That’s film is just something else. Also, Nash and Maya are thrown off the Bison Light case. This subplot is a bit footnote in the main movie script when you think about it.

Chun-Li heads to this White Rose shipment or whatever and ends up getting captured by Bison Light and his gang. They tie her up and take her to some undisclosed place. There she is reunited with her father, only for the Bison Light to snaps his neck (Off screen strangely despite that I am watching an uncut movie). Wow, this movie almost seems like it could be the original story for Batgirl. No Batgirl in particular, just Batgirl.

After the dad’s body is dragged away and Bison Light leaves, Chun-Li manages to escape and runs into Liu, who managed to survive the explosion earlier. After recuperating with him for a while and finishing their glowly ball training, Chun-Li goes to meet with Nash and recruits him to join her as she takes down Shadaloo and the rest of the villains with Detective Maya’s Swat Team and the rest of Liu’s underground organization.

The heroes take on the villains at the docks where some sort of shipment is going down and a huge shootout commences. Liu and Chun-Li storm a ship to find out what the White Rose shipment was. Liu takes Balrog in the ship’s hold, where he defeats him by stabbing him with a pipe. From the little information he was able to get from Balrog, Gen discovers that this White Rose that Bison Light wants is a girl. It turns out this girl is his daughter and apparently his only weakness as Liu guesses. Oh yeah, guess what Street Fighter fans. Who is Bison Light’s daughter? Rose. Yep, I can hear you anguish cries at this very moment.

It turns out that Chun-Li ran into the girl earlier, whom she didn’t even recognize, on the boat. She’s already gone and the Chun-Li and everyone has to go to Bison Light’s hideout now. As they are taking out the guards, Liu runs into Bison Light, who promptly kicks his ass. B.L. runs back to where he is keeping his daughter (Speaking of which and in case you care, he built this entire criminal empire to protect her) and is horrified that she isn’t her room anymore. Amusingly enough, Liu is there somehow and then promptly gets beaten up yet again. He’s strangely not good at this is he?

Luckily, Chun-Li comes in from out of nowhere and starts fighting him. In a really pathetic fight scene, she beats him up with a piece of bamboo, blinds him with a bag of powder cement I think, and knocks him off the side of the roof with her magical glowly power ball that she conjures. Ugh. Anyways, he falls in front of Nash and Rose, who is being led to safety by the Interpol agent. As he reaches out to say goodbye to her, Chun-Li drops down and snaps his neck in front of his daughter! You f-ing bitch! Now you screwed yourself over because Rose will probably now want to seek revenge against you for killing her dad, who is her only living relative. Screw you Chun-Li, screw you!

She then mocks the dead body and says she figured he had a weakness for his daughter. So apparently she knew that was girl was his daughter and decided to kill him in front of her anyways? Then Nash decides to congratulate her on a job well done! No you idiot! All the bad guys are dead and you did all of this without any police regulation or what not. You are so fired from Interpol for this crap and Chun-Li traumatized a girl. No, you all suck! Screw this movie! Screw it to hell!

The movie mercifully comes to a close with a scene of Chun-Li having finally settled down and getting a visit from Liu. He informs her of something called the Street Fighter tournament and that a member in it called Ryu maybe he good to recruit for something I don’t give a damn about anymore. Chun-Li declines to help him and wants to move on in her life. With that, the movie is over and thank God for that as well.

This movie sucks, blows, stinks, and whatever other way there is to say that this movie is pure crap. We got horrible action scenes, bad dialogue, some messy editing, terrible special effects, worthless characters, cringe inducing scenes, unlikable characters, a lame villain, and an uninteresting story. The major offensive here is the adaption of the Street Fighter video games into this movie. Change all the characters’ names and you wouldn’t even be able to tell this was a Street Fighter movie.

Outside of Michael Clark Duncan and Chris Klein (Nash) hamming it up and looking like they were enjoying themselves, there is no reason to recommend this movie, even as an action movie. I recommend sticking with the original Street Fighter film with Raul Julia and Jean-Claude Van Damme. It is nowhere near a perfect movie, but it was still a lot more fun to watch than this.

Comic Book Review: Jolly Ol’ St. Nicholas

2010-12-25T16:38:00.000-06:00

The Batman Adventures: Holiday Special: Jolly Ol’ St. Nicholas
Unrated
4 Slimes
Copyright DC Comics 1995

THE CHARACTERS

Barbara Gordon/Batgirl: One of the Bat family members out shopping for presents. It’s kind of amusing that she brought her costume with her to go shopping. It’s almost like she expects trouble to happen.

Harvey Bullock: A detective for the Gotham P.D. who is undercover as a Mall Santa. Despite his rough and tough appearance, he’s actually a pretty sweet guy after all.

Renee Montoya: A detective for the Gotham P.D. who is undercover as a Santa’s Helper/Elf. I do not think she is short enough for that particular role.

Clayface: A man of made of clay that can turn into anything he wants. Have no clue why he is robbing a department store since I do not remember him ever interested in anything other than returning back to normal in the show. Guess I got to watch the show again.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Bullets have no effect against large amounts of squishy clay.
+ Mall Santas come in two varieties, the jolly ones and undercover cop ones.
+ Santa’s helpers are armed and dangerous.
+ Jewelry is left out in the open in a busy store unprotected.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Batgirl: [After changing costume] 48 seconds - - not bad! I’d like to see Robin beat that!

Batgirl: Shoot Santa!
Harvey: [To Renee] You wouldn’t…

THE PLOT

It’s that time of year again, time for the annual Christmas review. Like last year, it is another Batman comic or part of one in this case. Back in the 90’s during the animated series, there were of course comics that went along with the show. In 1995, there was a Holiday Special that feature a bunch of stories about the Batman family and rogues during the holiday season. We are focusing on one particular story from that special, Jolly Ol’ St. Nicholas. Why? Well because I don’t have the actual comic, just this short story from the awesome Batman: Mad Love hardcover collection. With that in mind, let’s just jump right into it.

Our story begins on December 3rd at a department store, where we see Barbara Gordon shopping for Christmas presents. Meanwhile, two Gotham detectives, Harvey Bullock and Renee Montoya, are undercover as a mall Santa and elf. Apparently, someone has been robbing stores in the mall and those are there on watch. Personally, I do not see why two experience detectives like themselves are needed, but whatever.

Barbara spots a little kid stealing a valuable necklace (And it’s not in the glass case because?) and tries to stop him. In a surprisingly turn of events, when she grabs the kid’s hand, it comes off! Renee and Harvey spring into action themselves as they get the call about that robbery and a couple of others as well. They chase turn the perpetrators who then merge into each other and form Clayface!

I have no idea why he is robbing a department store, since I remember from the TV show that he is trying to return to normal last time I checked. Maybe I missed an episode or something. Regardless, he walks through mall security and is about to kill the detectives when Barbara springs into action as Batgirl. She kicks him out of the building through a window (If bullets can’t phase him, then why does a kick catapult him through a window?) and onto an ice rink set up outside the building.

He sees through her little plan about trying to use cold water underneath the ice to slow him down, but says that won’t do any good. Batgirl sees the two detectives and calls to them to shoot out the large Santa above the guy. They do and electric wires holding it up drop, shocking the monster. With Clayface down, the story comes to end as Harvey has to dig the bullets out of the clay bad guy for evidence reasons.

It’s a short and simple story from a bigger collection, but it is a darn fun one. Sure you have your silly logic issues, but they do not detract from the story. Some decent humor bits, a heartwarming moment with Harvey early in, good artwork, and few other things make this a fun read. Not much else to say but have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Movie Review: Mac and Me

2010-11-08T16:31:00.001-06:00

Mac and Me
Rated PG
1 Slime
Copyright Orion Pictures 1988

THE CHARACTERS

Mac: A young alien separated from his family, who is frankly a public menace with all the trouble he causes. Breaking into people’s home, wrecking everything with power tools, and stealing kid’s toys. What a jerk!

Eric Cruise: A wheelchair bound kid who is determine to get the alien and then help him find his family. He loves his Skittles. He dies at one point, but the aliens do some kind of voodoo magic to bring him back to life.

Debbie: She is Eric’s first new friend in California and happens to be the first person to see the alien. She helps protect Mac and find his family.

Michael Cruise: Eric’s older brother who has a crush on Courtney. He helps protect Mac and his family from the government and the police.

Courtney: Debbie’s older sister, who has a crush on Michael. She is almost always wearing McDonalds approve clothing (As in clothes that have the logo of the fast food chain on them).

Mac’s Family: Damn they got some fake looking costumes. They have soda addictions, move around like they are drunk, whistle to talk, and they all have beer bellies.

Janet Cruise: Christine Ebersole! She is Eric and Michael’s mother who works at Sears. She’s your basic mom character who doesn’t believe in anything the alien until she sees it for herself.

Mitford & Wickett: Your basic ‘evil’ government agents that are trying to capture Mac and his family. These guys have incredible foresight and psychic abilities to be able to come to many lucky conclusions and results.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Coca Cola is God.
+ People are always dancing and break dancing at McDonalds.
+ Aliens are easily confused with dogs.
+ Moons are hard on the outside, cola on the inside.
+ When in doubt, blame the kid in the wheelchair.
+ People in wheelchairs and very steep hills do not mix.
+ Vacuum cleaners have the ability to scale walls and ceilings, even with a kid attached it.
+ Illinois love teddy bears.
+ All NASA agents are Olympic athletes.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – I could question where they got the straw from, but there will be far stupider things in the future I assume.
9 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WINDOW!
10 min – My God! It turned into the Noid!
18 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY UNITED MOVING!
20 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY SKITTLES!
27 min – My spider sense is tingling.
30 min – That is not the proper reaction to seeing an alien.
32 min – He could have tried getting out of the chair before going over the cliff.
39 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY COCA COLA!
42 min – Well that’s just strange.
49 min – Damn those things are ugly.
51 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY POWER WHEELS!
52 min – Time for a cheesy 80’s pop song.
60 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS!
62 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
66 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST SEARS!
70 min – BROUGHT TO YOU BY WICKERS FURNITURE!
77 min – Oh you wondrous drink! How we adore you.
86 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ENTIRE GAS STATION!
89 min – Sure, why not? Not like anything else about this movie could be taken seriously.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Michael: You know what I feel like?
Eric: A Big Mac?
Michael: The man's psychic!

Michael: [Asking about where she works] McDonalds huh?
Courtney: Yeah.
Debbie: Why don’t you stop by for a Big Mac?

THE PLOT

We got ourselves a special treat today with this E.T. rip-off film, Mac and Me. It’s a movie that grabs you by the neck and forces product placement down your throat until you suffocate, probably by Coca Cola in particular. In fact, the amount of products being whored and pimped out here and are so blatant that I’m actually using this movie to write a college paper on how not to do product placement in a movie. It’s that bad. So, let us begin our journey, brought to you by McDonalds, Coca Cola, and whatever else crap that is funding this movie.

Our film begins on some moon orbiting Saturn where we see an alien family, that look part The Scream painting and part demon, walking drunkenly around while stabbing the ground with straws to suck up some strange liquid from it. Now there’s a way to start off any good movie! A NASA probe lands on their home world all of a sudden and starts collecting samples. The family is accidently sucked by the probe’s vacuum and taken back to Earth. The main question here is how long the trip took since the distance between Saturn and Earth is rather far.

NASA scientists start checking out the probe when it comes back and are shock to discover the alien family. The family escapes the laboratory by blowing crap up with their fingers, but unfortunately, one of the little aliens gets separated from them and runs out onto a highway. There, it gets run over by a car and cause a bunch of car wrecks and even a pileup. Great, our little alien friend killed some people.

We meet the Cruise family next; Janet the mom, Michael the older brother, and Eric the youngest & wheelchair bound brother who is drinking a refreshing Coca Cola. The family is on their way to their new home in California after they moved from Illinois and just so happen to be passing by the accident scene on the highway. When they are waiting for traffic to clear, the little alien hitches a ride with them towards them. I sense hijinks will ensue!

Also, with the first product placement of the movie, let’s start a drinking game. You either take a shot every time Coca Cola appears or if product placement appears (If you chose that, take an additional shot because there was a United Moving box in the back of the van). Either way, you’ll be wasted when it’s all over.

The family arrives at their home, where the United Moving company’s men are currently moving their stuff in. Eric starts unpacking things in this room, including a family portrait and his bag of Skittles, when he notices something weird going on. His TV turned on all by itself (To Snorks of all things) and the shower in the next room is running all by itself. He then follows some strange looking tracks to his backyard, where he meets his next door neighbor, Debbie. She asks him about the little thing that ran out of the house, but he isn’t sure what it was.

The next day, Eric gets up and discovers that the house has been trashed. Tacky lawn ornaments are in the living room, flowers and very small trees are scatters all over, 100 year old paintings have been wrecked, and Craftsman tools have been used to cut holes in the walls and doors. You know, that alien isn’t whimsical like the soundtrack suggests, but more of an asshole. Now get this, mom and the brother then wake up and blame the disaster on Eric. Of course! The kid in the wheelchair obviously did all of this! Then again, I’m not sure how the 2 feet tall alien made of rubber did most of this either.

Eric, feeling a bit sad, wanders off into the backyard to think for a bit. However, there is suddenly a steep hill and he goes careening down it. You would think the mother of a son in a wheelchair would have warned him about the hill before moving here, have that part of the backyard blocked off, or even bother to consider the very dangerous hill does not go together with her son very well before buying the place. Anyways, he goes flying off a cliff and falls into the water below. Luckily, the property destroying alien pops up to rescue him from his watery grave! Still doesn’t make up for causing car wrecks and vandalism.

That all of that craziness and a call from 911, Eric taken back to his house and checked out by a doctor to see if he is alright. He tells the doctor about seeing the strange creature, but he doesn’t listen him. The doctor’s probably more concern about calling Child Services and having them ask the mom why she bought a house that has a death trap from kids in wheelchairs. Debbie visits him and he asks her why she didn’t tell anyone about seeing the creature. You see, she happened to witness him going down the hill and seeing the alien save him. I’m more interested in why she didn’t warn him about that hill before he went down it.

She says no one would believe it even if she told anyone what she saw and they decide to hatch a plan to capture that havoc causing alien. That night when his mom is gone, Eric leaves a trail of cups filled with Coca Cola to lure the creature into a trap. Coca Cola not only taste great, but is perfect bait! As planned, the alien breaks into his house again (that thing is public menace!) and follows the trail to the ambush where the kids trap it inside of a vacuum cleaner. Good thinking too, since vacuums seem to be the alien’s ultimate weakness (Even though he would have no idea that it would work)!

Oh yeah, at this point you should have taken at least 20 shots already if you are counting every great and wonderful product shown here. If you ain’t drunk yet, get ready the film’s second half!

Michael finds out about the alien as well once the kids release it from the vacuum cleaner, who is naturally shocked. The alien has passed out from the whole ordeal but luckily, the kids revive it with old good Cola Coca. I wouldn’t personally since the damn thing has caused at least a thousand dollars worth of damages to the house, an entire neighborhood power failure when capturing it, and frankly, I wouldn’t even know that Coca Cola has healing properties.

The alien runs off when Janet returns home, so she naturally doesn’t believe the boys (Debbie took off as well) when they tell her what happened. The following morning, the alien has officially cleaned up the entire house according to the brothers and left a bunch of flowers in Coca Cola cans all scattered throughout the house. So the thing also patched up the holes in the walls, painted a new painting, and got a new door? He also left behind a message of a cutout ad for Wickes Furniture to try to tell them something. I assume the message is to buy from Wickes Furniture, but I doubt it’s that in movie context.

We then see our trouble maker alien, now nicknamed Mac for Big Mac… err I mean Mysterious Alien Creature (What was I thinking?), stealing a Fisher-Price Power Wheels and causing all the neighborhood dogs to chase him. So now he is guilty of carjacking and dognapping. Anyways, the power company comes to check out the Chase’s home after the power failure, but it’s really just a cover up for the government to check out the area for the alien and they are even certain the alien is here! Okay, how did the government even figure out the alien was in this area and what proof do they have?

Eric recognizes the government agents from the highway (They were searching cars for the alien there) and is naturally worried about them finding the alien. Debbie comes to his house to pick him up for a birthday party he’ll be attending and he tells her about the agents. They then discover Mac is back in the house and realize they just can’t leave him there since the agents are so close, so Eric decides to dress him in a large teddy bear costume (where the hell did he get that?!) and takes him to the birthday party. Then the government agents, Mitford & Wickett, decide to follow the kids and Debbie’s mom to the birthday party then. OF COURSE! It makes perfect sense for them to do that even though they have no idea the alien is or why it would even be with them!

Where is this birthday party you may ask? Why at the happiest place on Earth! A McDonalds! I’m lovin’ it! I feel so cheap saying that even as a joke. So they get there and everything is quite hopping; with people break dancing in the parking lot (WTF?!), Ronald McDonald himself at the party, and a dance contest that includes people in football uniforms (DOUBLE WTF?!). Eric tells Michael, who is there, that Mac is hiding in the teddy bear costume. Speaking of that disguise, the alien has grown an extra feet wearing it.

While everybody is dancing (Again, WTF?!), Mac starts dancing too. I have a gigantic and obvious question that needs an answer badly. Why doesn’t anyone find this odd?! Eric says it’s a toy with electronic computer chips in it, but are people that brain dead to believe that crap?! Luckily, the government agents are not idiots and take notice of the teddy bear dancing, assuming it be the alien. Eric sees them and takes off with Mac in his wheelchair, while the agents take off after him on foot.

After that insane dance number at McDonalds of all places, let’s take another count. You should have taken well over 30 shots by now. How drunk are you now?

As they escape from the agents; who must be extremely good shape for their age if they are able to keep up with the wheelchair; they go backyards, down hills, down busy streets causing car crashes all over, through the Sears where Eric’s mom works, and eventually being picked up by Michael, Debbie, and Courtney (Debbie’s sister). Eric believes Mac is looking for his family, since Mac was looking at picture of Eric’s family sadly earlier, so they decide to go back to highway where it all started. Along the way, they discover Mac also like Skittles. No reason to bring this up other than the fact that you should obviously go out to buy some and taste that damn rainbow.

As they drive along, they see a Wickers Furniture billboard and assume that was what Mac was trying to say with the message he left behind earlier. They check out the area near it and sure enough, that’s where his family is. Unfortunately, the family is dying because of a lack of food, but don’t worry folks! It’s good old Coca Cola to the rescue. Its official, Coca Cola is a gift from God because of its ability to heal people! Give glory to this soda!

With the aliens all healed, they have a touching moment as they reunite with Mac. It is sweet and heartwarming, all thanks to Coca Cola. Anyways, everybody takes them with them on their way back to town, but have to stop at a gas station to fill up. Unfortunately, the aliens get out of the van and go into a local grocery store nearby. In there, they cause a ton of chaos and gather the attention of the police. The kids try to reason with the police that they can’t talk to the aliens since they don’t understand. Eric goes to the aliens to try to talk them and when they turn to face him, the police open fire!! What the hell cops? There’s a wheelchair head in the line of fire!

Well naturally, shooting randomly at the aliens near a gas station ends up causing a gigantic explosion when the bullets hit the pumps. Things go ka-boom and Eric gets caught in the blast. Great job coppers. Well Eric’s dead now and that’s quite a way to end a… oh wait. Mac’s family walks out of the fire (Damn!) and magically heal him. Since when did they have magical healing abilities? Talk about pulling a Deus EX Machina right out of your ass.

So our grand adventure brought to us by Coca Cola and McDonalds comes to an end as Mac and his family go before a U.S. court. Oh good, they stand trial for every crime they (especially Mac) committed and should be in jail for quite a while. Nah, it turns out that they are being sworn in as U.S. citizens and frankly, they shouldn’t. They are literally illegal aliens and should be sent back to where they came. Then film then ends with them driving away in car with a silly pink balloon popping up saying, “We’ll be back!” Oh hell no you won’t be coming back. The dismal profit at the box office made darn sure of that.

What can be said about this movie other than to remember to drink your Coca Cola? Well a lot of things, but most of it has to do product placement. Other than that, this is a basic E.T. knockoff but with a lot more plot holes, bad acting, and horrible looking aliens. Sure the soundtrack is fine and there is occasionally a sweet moment, that’s not what this movie is all about. It’s all about what it can try selling to you and as such, enjoy this list:

Product Placement Count:
Coca Cola: 15
McDonalds: 10
United Moving: 5
Skittles: 4
Wickes Furniture: 3
Power Wheels: 2
Sears: 2
Avia Shoes: 1
Brawny Paper Towels: 1
Snapple: 1
Marlboro: 1
Gatorade: 1

Oh there’s probably more, but let’s just settle with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be off. I’m going to go to get a Whopper from Burger King, eat a bag of M&Ms, and drink a bottle of 7-Up. No more cola for me!

Movie Review: Vampire's Night Orgy

2010-10-31T13:53:00.005-05:00

Vampire’s Night Orgy
Rated R
Skull
Copyright International Amusements Corp. 1974

THE CHARACTERS

Luis: Our main character who ended up in the village by accident. He also happens to be a peeping tom, because that’s what we want in our heroes.

Alma: Our female lead that is barely worth mentioning outside of the fact that she has one of the most incredible mood swings in a movie that I have ever seen.

Marcos, Cesar, Ernesto, and other bus passengers: Random fodder for the villagers that become zombie/ghoul/vampires after being dogpiled.

Boris, The Major: Tolnio’s mayor and that’s about it. Not worth mentioning outside of that.

The Countess: The person who seems to be the head honcho around the town and I think the lead vampire. Stabbed to death by what looks like a pen.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ There are random water fountains in the middle of nowhere.
+ Hmm is a proper answer to the question: What do we do with the body?
+ Human and turkey meat looks the same.
+ Vampiresses are extremely desperate.
+ Wind and rocks beating against the window sound the same.
+ Little girls and boys have fun by burying dolls in cemeteries.
+ Time follows its own logic in vampire villages.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
4 min – Well that’s random.
12 min – Sounds like someone is playing a xylophone in background.
19 min – You can run in any other direction other than right or left.
36 min – Well bom chicka wah wah!
37 min – There was a delay reaction with his scream.
46 min – Is this even important?
52 min – Waiter! There’s a finger in my food… wait…
62 min – I’ll die of boredom before anything happens with we keep this pace.
63 min – I hear a UFO landing.
68 min – Will someone turn on the damn light?!
71 min – Someone shoot the person scratching their nails on the chalkboard already! Oh yeah… RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAR!
77 min – What the hell?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Passenger: [Referring to the bus driver] What do we do with the body?
Everyone Else: Hmm…

THE PLOT

I got nothing. There’s nothing to say about this film other than the fact that title is what caught my attention. I mean, how can you avoid a title like that? It’s like ignoring a title called Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers or Lesbian Vampire Killers (Yes these movies do exist, but I’m not reviewing either). You just have to see this movie out of morbid curiosity!

Our film opens up with a shot of a funeral where a bunch of people toss a casket into a grave and run. So much for respect for the dead. Then the opening credits start up as 70s theme song music plays while we see the body become overtaken by maggots. Interesting start…

We then cut to the middle of nowhere (It’s always nowhere), where we see a bus traveling on its way to Bojoni with a bunch of people looking for work. The first sign of danger, outside of the silly opening music, is that the dub work on this film is… bad and that’s being polite. The dialogue also spoken is pretty bad as well, but from what I can gather, all the passengers are on their way to Bojoni for work.

Out of nowhere, the bus driver suffers a random heart attack and dies, leaving the passengers stuck out in the wilderness. That’s always the start of something bad isn’t it? While the passengers figure out what to do, the youngest member, a little girl, takes a little walk around the area and discovers a young boy. She tries talking to him, but as soon as the camera zooms in on her and retracts back, he’s gone! Spoooooo-kkkyy!

The passengers drive the bus over to a nearby town, Tolnio, to recuperate for the night after the day’s events. When they arrive there, they find absolutely no one at all, even in the bar/hotel despite the fact that there is a fire going and the whole place is stocked with food & drinks. With such a mysterious and unusual place, everyone decides to raid the bar for drinks and sleep in the hotel without even looking around the town to see if there is anyone around. This sort of thing gets people killed more often than not.

After tedious amounts of people playing cards and an uncomfortable peeping tom moment, we see one of the passengers called Ernesto, I think, investigate a mysterious sound outside of the hotel. Looking around, he spots a light from one of the buildings and goes to look. There, he runs into a mysterious lot of people who slowly approach while others teleport right next to him. As with any curious individual in any movie, he’s dead meat as the music plays bad 70s pop music plays on. I’ve never saw such a silly death scene before as the villagers apparently tickle him to death.

The following day, all the townsfolk appear and start treating the passengers. The town appointed mayor, Boris, explains to the passengers that none of the people were in town because they were at the graveyard and they were holding a funeral for one of the town’s dearly departed. Right… Anyways, Boris then goes asks some of the cooks in the back to go get some meat for the passengers and the big burly cook goes on to kill some random blacksmith for food. I got nothing on that.

After eating their mystery lunch meat and having Ernesto return (He is now a vampire, ghoul, or zombie judging by the makeup job), they decide to leave town. Unfortunately, their bus no longer works. Ain’t that a shocker! Boris takes them to the town’s real head honcho called the Countess, who allows them to say in the town free of charge since it’s been so long since anyone came and she even gives them some money in case of trouble when they leave. Of course, when they leave…

The Countess asks one of the members of the group, Cesar, to stay behind and read her some Shakespeare. As he does it, she then gets it on with him out of nowhere and as strange music that I hear on Weather Channel plays. There is nothing like making love while hearing about the 7 day forecast. After making whoopee, Countess goes all vampire on his ass and bites his neck, but doesn’t suck his blood. Then she throws him off the balcony and he is eaten alive by zombie/vampire villagers.

We cut away to a female passenger called Alma getting dressed as Luis, a person who randomly stumbled upon the city, peeps on her yet again. Classy. Ernesto also tricks two of the passengers, Marcos and Cesar, out of the hotel and into the bus, where he traps them in with a bunch of the townspeople. I would say they suck their blood or eat them, but it looks more like they rubbing and caressing them.

Luis suspects something is going on, especially now that the bus disappeared, and tells Alma about it. Then in a very bizarre move, the scene cuts away to a waterfall with very cheerful and upbeat jazz. Quite a contradiction from that last scene. Someone needs to talk with the people in charge of the music. Anyways, we see the little girl and mysterious boy from earlier (When did he reappear?) playing hide and go seek while the big burly man from before chases after another townsfolk to make him into a meal. Ah… alright then.

You know, it’s hard to describe this movie and talk about it as well. It’s so darn boring and the editing is pretty bad, making this an extreme chore just to sit this movie, even once. Yet, I’ll keep going despite my mind wandering more often than not.

Luis talks to Alma saying there are too many dangerous things here to stay any longer and then in a giggle worthy moment, Alma goes from calm and relaxed into a sobbing and emotional wreck in a split second. It is hilarious! He then tells her they have to leave that night to escape; otherwise the townsfolk will see them. Oh sure, leave in the middle of the night where there isn’t much visibility and when there is a better chance to be ambushed. You sir are genius!

The little girl’s mother goes out to search for the girl as she and the mysterious boy continue wandering around the village. The two ended up at a graveyard (it’s always a graveyard) and it randomly turns night all of a sudden. Then those random village something or other show up, causing the boy to try to hide the little girl from them. I’m confused. Isn’t he a vampire or whatever? Then as he tries to hide the little girl from them, he suffocates her to death! Thank you movie for killing the only person I really gave a crap about. Oh yeah and the zombie/ghoul/whatchamacallits of the bus passengers lick, hug, or something the mother to death during her search. Again, it isn’t very clear and rather weird.

What are these monsters anyways? Are they vampires, zombies, or ghouls? They can walk out during the middle of the day and not burn alive or sparkle. They don’t look like they suck blood or much of it, they don’t eat anyone (more like tickle or grope a person to death), they bleed, and they can be punked out by a pen in a later scene. What are these things?

Luis and Alma hop into his car and drive off, as the rest of the passengers and villagers try stopping them. I would describe the chase, but it wouldn’t do much good. It’s just them trying to drive away, constantly stopping for no reason instead of running the weirdoes down, villagers trying to the flip the car at some points, and terrible lighting & editing that make the scene extremely hard to actually watch.

As they drive away, the Countess jumps into the vehicle and tries to kill Alma. Alma then stabs her to death with a pen I think. Probably not a pen, but I would to think it is a pen would make this scene much more amusing and entertaining. The two head on their way to Bojoni, to recover from this madness, when they glance into the back and discover the Countess has disintegrated and maggots are covering the entire body. Don’t know where that came from.

The two reach Bojoni and telling the police about this, but they naturally doesn’t believe their tale and tell them that such village does not exist. How do the police explain the body then or did it completely disintegrate? To prove that it does, Luis and Alma go with the cops back to where the village is to show them. WHAT?! After all that crap you gone through, you are going back there?! Hell, I would have gone to the next country over instead of the next town.

Our film then ends with the police and the couple returning to the village, only to discover it has vanished! Where did it go?! Did it disappear when the Countess died? Can people only encounter this place every 20 or 50 years?! What happened to everyone else if this place vanished or possibly… never existed?! If there was no village, is it like Monster A-Go Go where there was no monster? What was I was just watching?! Did I watch anything?

ARGH! Man this was bad! The plot is really confusing and extremely uninteresting to boot. The monsters are supposedly vampires, but they do not remind me of vampires outside of the fangs. The dubbing and soundtrack are terrible, really counteracting the creepy mood or scenes. The worst part of all it is the lighting, making it hard to tell what’s happening in the scene and sometimes making it hard to tell people apart.

This is nothing else to say about this movie other than the fact that it actually made me hate writing this review, because I felt there wasn’t enough to talk about or comment on. That’s not something that happens often either. Also, one other thing before I end. Where was that damn orgy I was offered when watching this?!

Movie Review: Uzumaki

2010-10-19T17:43:00.001-05:00

Uzumaki
Rated 18 (According to the U.K. DVD release)
1 Slime
Copyright Lighthouse Pictures 2000

THE CHARACTERS

Kirie Goshima: The main character who finds herself in the middle of a curse that is infecting her town to the core. She’s basically uninteresting and is sort of boring to watch. When the movie ended, it’s not clear if she is alive or dead, so let’s just say she is trapped in bad movie limbo.

Shuichi Saito: Kirie’s boyfriend who can’t act his way out of a paper bag. I’ve never seen a more lifeless character before in my life. He’s body randomly twists up and crushes his body.

Kyoko Sekino: A popular girl at school whose main goal is to be the center of attention. She does this by curling her hair in spiral or it does it by itself; it’s not clear. Her life force is sucked out by her hair at the end movie after its grown too long or her hair got tangled up in a telephone phone and she starved to death unable to leave. You make the call!

Yukie Saito: Shuichi’s mother who doesn’t like her husband’s new hobby. After his death, she loses it and develops a nasty fear of spirals. In attempt to remove all spirals from her body, she drives a pair scissors directly into her head.

Toshio Saito: He is Shuichi’s father and all around town weirdo from what I can see (And in this town, that’s saying something) This guy is beyond obsessed with the uzumaki to the point of crushing and spinning to make a spiral shape inside of a washing machine. The image alone is worth a nightmare or two.

Reporter Ichiro Tamura: A reporter who took a serious interest in Toshio’s death. At one point, it seems like he reaches a conclusion of what the truth is in the entire town, but it killed when his car crashes. So basically, we never find out diddlysquat about what was going on in the film.

Yasuo Goshima: Kirie’s father, who becomes obsessed with making spiral pottery pieces throughout the movie. I’m not sure, but I think he drowned in Dragonfly Pond because I never saw him again in the movie.

Mitsuru Yamaguchi: He is Kirie’s stalker, nicknamed Jack-in-a-Box, because he likes jumping out of nowhere at very random times and spooking everyone. In an attempt to make Kirie remember him forever, he jumps in front of a car and becomes road kill. However, this doesn’t work because she never mentions him again and the movie seems to forget about him.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Spirals can mess a person up.
+ Girls do not like the jump-out-and-surprise approach when you want them to like you.
+ Kids randomly stand against the wall with their heads down all the time in school.
+ Cigarettes are explosive.
+ Teenagers beat each other up right in front other people.
+ Snailism is now an official medical disorder.
+ A grown man can fit inside of a washing machine.
+ Seatbelts are not guaranteed to protect you when you crash at very slow speeds.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Stop the camera! I’m getting dizzy!
7 min – Darn those little sign stealing punks.
12 min – I think I just got hit with a subliminal message.
15 min – Can we move it along now?
25 min – I’m getting dizzy just looking at it.
31 min – What the hell…
34 min – Now repeat after me: EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!
42 min – Just because you can hold a shot doesn’t mean you should.
44 min – The acting, it hurts!!!
45 min – What the hell is going with her eyes?!
51 min – A GHOST… or perhaps a camera crew member…
57 min – Holy *BLEEP*!
68 min – There’s an image that’ll last a lifetime.
74 min – Her voice is so shrill that it is shaking the camera!
76 min – Please don’t do that with the camera. I’m sick already.
82 min – That’s the face you are going to make?
84 min – Oh my God he actually showed some emotion. I’ve only heard rumors of that!
88 min – So here we go again? Screw that.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Kirie Goshima: Kurozu-cho, town of my birth. Let me tell you a story of a strangeness that happened there.

Shuichi Saito: [When he was younger after Kirie’s mother died] I’ll be your mother!
Kirie Goshima: [Younger] I don’t want a boy for a mother!

THE PLOT

Do spirals scare you? No, of course not; it’s just a line that goes around in circles for the most part. However, a manga came out that changed all of that called Uzumaki. The story is generally about a small coastal town that is cursed by the pattern: uzumaki/spiral. I won’t go into detail about the manga, but let me tell you one thing. Reading it will f**k with your brain! With such an extremely popular series, why not make a movie about it to cash in? Enter the Japanese 2000 film adaption also called Uzumaki. The film technically came before the end of the 3 volume series, so things are bound to be different. With such a freaky series and Japan’s love of crazy crap in their horror movies, you think that we would have one of the most terrifying movies to ever be created! Well…

Our film begins the camera spiraling around a dead body, with strangely seems to have a spiral around. Nothing like hammering the point in right away. The movie cuts to Kirie Goshima, our heroine, as she goes to meet up with boyfriend, Shuichi Saito, at the town entrance. We watch her run around for a while throughout the town in some strange shots that run long even after she left the screen. As she runs, she comes across a couple of strange people, like Mitsuru Yamaguchi who likes to jump out & surprise people and Toshio Saito, her boyfriend’s father who currently videotaping a snail shell for some reason. Remember, spiral!

Moving on ahead after a few random and pointless scenes (including one with a fruit vendor and a goofy sound effect), Kirie goes home to find Mr. Saito talking to her father, Yasuo Goshima, a craftsman who specializes in pottery. He’s videotaping her father at work, commenting on how pottery is the finest of all the arts and it is the truest and best representation of the uzumaki. He then asks for a bowl with his own uzumaki pattern, which Yasuo agrees to make, and then goes on a very weird rant about how the spirals are the greatest art (Make up your mind!) and that the potter is a great genius. Genius or not, I would have shoved that camera out of my face when he put it to my eyeball.

We are then treated to over 5 minutes of filler or character development (either way it is boring) before plopping us at Kirie’s school the following day. Kirie and one of her friend talk to each other for a while, passing by Yamaguchi who continues to pursue Kirie in order to make everyone jealous and a lot of people who are standing against the wall with their heads down. I’m not sure if this is some sort of school punishment or the director trying to be artsy, but regardless, it is just weird. The two of them walk along and the boy drops by them as they walk up the stairs, splattering against the floor, but yet with the boy dying with a smile on his face. Ah, so that’s where the opening image came from!

The two of them ponder what the hell just happened and why the hell he had the smile on his face when he died in the bathroom. Kyoko Sekino with her gang makes their grand appearance after some dramatic bathroom stall opening and explains to them that he was happy to die as long as he had everyone focus on him and it was the only he would be noticed. They also state that if they aren’t notice, it is better to be dead; how attention is wonderful; and Sekino ends it with saying how she now wants to be seen in the truest way possible. Something tells me they have their priorities wrong.

Kirie informs Shuichi about everything and he makes an assumption that root of the cause of all the weird things is the uzumaki. He feels it draws people into and that the whole town is cursed by it. He also explains about how his dad is been going over the edge recently, becoming obsessed with the spiral, collecting spiral objects, and holding up in his room staring at his collection. Kirie doesn’t believe him, so he invites her over to his house to show what’s going on.

They arrive to see Mr. Saito throwing a fit over losing this stuff. Shuichi confronts him about it and suddenly, his dad becomes rather nonchalant about it. He declares he doesn’t need his stuff and that he can make his own uzumaki. Then in very creepy move, he starts spinning his eyes around and around separately. Try imagining that for a second. You can thank me later for that image you just got.

Naturally, Kirie is rather out of the next day after seeing that… or perhaps it is just bad acting. I can’t tell with her. She’s at school in class now, when one of the students, Katayama, comes in later, soaking wet from the rain outside and covered in… snot… well I hope its snot. He talks rather slowly, walks really slowly, something seems to be growing on his back and he only comes to school when it rains. Why do I bring this up when it doesn’t seem important? Oh you’ll find out!

After that gross moment and a jump attack from Yamaguchi, Kirie goes to drop off the bowl her father made for Mr. Saito. We then have one of most boring ass moments ever as she slowly makes her way to the house and looks it to see if anyone is home. It’s dull beyond all belief and if it wasn’t for the admittedly kind of spooky atmosphere and how the scene is shot, I fall asleep! Thankfully, Shuichi and his mother, Yukie Saito, arrive on the scene just as we hear Kirie scream. They find her terrified on the floor, wondering what could be the matter when she points out the washing machine nearby. They approach it and look in it and… we see nothing but their reactions, which are a dull expression from the boy and a horrified look from the mother. Someone call the acting police and report Shuichi!

The next day is the funeral for Mr. Saito and they cremate him. As the smoke rise, Mrs. Saito screams in horror and points to the sky. Right above the smokestack is the smoke from the body, which is turning into an uzumaki shape. She faints and is rushed to the hospital, while the smoke then mysteriously spirals down into Dragonfly Pond, in the heart of the city and behind Kirie’s home. While this sounds interesting, this will not impact the story in anyway. Tough cookies.

At the hospital, a reporter named Ichiro Tamura meets with Shuichi and Kirie to talk about Mr. Saito. He tells them about how he came to his office one day wanting to know more about history of the town and was on and on about uzumaki. Shuichi decides to show him the video that his father was taping. It shows him setting the camera down next to the washing machine as he gets in it. As the tape goes on, we hear very disgusting sounds, but have no clear view of what happened. Ichiro decides to take the video with him to investigate the matter further when he discovers that before Mr. Saito got into the machine, he placed a small round mirror in it.

Things just seem to get even stranger in the town and trust me; it is really getting strange now. Kirie’s dad is getting very obsessed over making more of pots using clay from the pond; Mrs. Saito develops an extreme fear of spirals to the point of cutting off her fingertips; a bully that was harassing Katayama earlier is starting to drink tons of water and has something growing on his back now; and Sekino has her hair done up in spirals, which makes her hair look like it’s made of black party streamers, catching the attention of everyone.

As insanity continues to prosper, Tamura continues to investigate the meaning behind the mirror and everything. During which, he discovers that ancient mirrors were discovered in the Dragonfly Pond and that means… I got no idea. But whatever it is, it must be big! He calls Shuichi and Kirie meet him by Dragonfly Pond to tell them what he discovered. On their way there, Yamaguchi shows up and tell her that she’ll never forget about him, even after all the rejections. He jumps in front of Tamura’s car and is promptly run over, crushed and jammed up in the front wheel (Feel free to imagine that). Also, Tamura’s head smashes into the window, killing him, and making a spiral shape on the window. The car must have lousy seatbelts because he was wearing one.

With those nice morbid images behind us, we see Kirie and Shuichi talking to each other next to the pond trying to recover from all that later that night. She so scared by all the events that Shuichi has to hold her tightly and promises to protect her… in the most monotone voice you ever heard. She’s so lucky to have an emotionless robot. Also during the night, a huge millipede tries crawling inside Mrs. Saito’s ear. She flips out and is suddenly, in a very artsy moment, bombarded with strange visions of her dead husband who tells her that there are spirals inside of her body. What he means by that is that Cochlea, the sensor for sound in one’s ear, is shaped like a spiral and he points it out to her. Horrified, she takes a pair of scissors (Why is that still in her room after she cut off her fingertips?) and stabs it into her ear. We don’t see this, but the scream from outside in the hallway reassures that she did just that.

After the funeral, her body is burned and creates, again, another spiral in sky. However, this time, her horrified face appears in the smoke as well. Her face actually moans and then another gigantic face (Mr. Saito?) appears and swallows her whole! What the f**k indeed. As all of this going, the town is really going nuts. I know, big shock right? Well, it’s so strange that the news has come to cover what’s going on in town. Apparently; people are turning into giant snails (See why I brought Katayama now) and Sekino’s hair has stretched far out and made gigantic spirals that seem to be hypnotizing people. It’s an image that has to be seen to believe.

Shuichi and Kirie decide it’s time to get out of town now (Nah, really?), but decide to get her father first. They look inside his workshop but can’t find him. Then in an extremely bizarre moment, Shuichi’s legs start twisting up into a spiral. Don’t look me; I got no clue where that came from. However, I got to love the fact that he makes no expression at all when he sees that. I’ve seen statues with more life than him.

He then dies and Kirie holds in body in agony, I think, she’s not that good of actress either. Then out of nowhere, his head does a 360 and he comes back to life with pale eyes. Oh no! He’s been possessed! She tosses him away, but he closes in on her as Castlevania music plays in the background and he urges her to join him in the uzumaki. He lunges at her, she screams, and THEN… the movie cuts away. Of course! It’s not like something interesting was happening or anything.

The movie then shows us a couple scenes of the town where Sekino’s hair has been cut up a telephone pole and her body decaying, the TV reporter’s van crashed and her eyes stretched out of their sockets, a dead police officer with a spiral shaped hole in his eyes which happened he was looking inside the barrel of his gun for a spiral, Shuichi’s twisted up body in the house with Kirie around, and Mr. Goshima’s pale that he collects clay floating in Dragonfly Pond. Then the movie closes out with Kirie saying she would like to tell us the story of her town, the same phrase she spoke to us at the beginning. What happened here?! Is she dead? Where is she telling us this story? What happened to the town? Why is the town cursed by uzumaki?! WHAT’S GOING HERE?!

What the hell just happened?! Where did this movie go so wrong? The director had one of the best horror manga ever to be created and yet he made it into one of the most surreal and nonsensical movies I’ve seen! It’s not scary or terrifying, just creepy and weird as hell. Yes, the movie made before the end of the manga so I could understand why the ending is different and I could forgive the movie if it wasn’t completely faithful to the source material. As long as they can make a scary, disturbing movie about spirals, I could dig it. But… ugh.

The plot of could have been better suited for a TV series considering all the stuff that happens in the movie and in the manga. The acting is terrible. I know I can’t understand them and I’m just watching the subtitles; but the line delivery; emotion, and facial expressions of all the cast members really made it hard to take people seriously. I think Shuichi is a robot since he has no expression on his face for almost the entire movie. There’s also inappropriate music and sound effects through the film that really sound out of place. Finally, we got a lot of moments here and there that come off as pretentious and silly. Sure, they are shot well but they don’t really add to the atmosphere of the film.

On the plus side, the film is shot well and we occasionally get a good artsy moment there. The atmosphere manages to make this movie at least creepy like stated before a few times. The film also recaptures a couple of moments from the manga well, like with the crazy hair. Speaking of hair, the special effects look decent and also add to some of the creep value. While I did say the acting was terrible, the reporter character was actually pretty decent and I will give him a nod for doing alright.

Still, this is a major disappointment. I’ll admit that I am not a huge fan of the manga series, especially the ending, and I wasn’t really expecting this movie to knock my socks off or anything, but this is just underwhelming. This movie is not scary and that is really sad. Though, it still has enough good moments to at least warrant a watch.

Movie Review: The Shaft

2010-10-02T17:00:00.004-05:00

The Shaft
Rated R
3 Slimes
Copyright Artisan Home Entertainment 2001

THE CHARACTERS

Mark Newman: A mechanic working for METEOR who is assign to work on the elevators in the Millennium Building. He is afraid of heights, so I have no clue why he is in this line of work.

Jennifer Evans: Naomi Watts! A newspaper reporter who is investigating the Millennium Building incidents and is obviously the girl Mark will be hooking up with at the end. Wouldn’t be the first time a killer something help bring a couple together.

Jeffery: Mark’s partner and friend at METEOR, who doesn’t seem to really care much about the incidents going on at the building. Like any good partner and friend of the main character, he is killed by the elevator.

Lt. McBain: The officer in charge of the incidents happening at the Millennium Building. I’m not sure why, but I think he has a personal grudge against elevators for some reason.

Gunter Steinberg: Michael Ironside! He created the organic computer chip that he used to test on the elevators of the Millennium Building. Like any good mad scientist, he is killed by it towards the end of the film.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Elevators are soundproof.
+ Elevators can be used as saunas.
+ Elevators are enemies of blind men and security guards everywhere.
+ Elevators have vacuum suction abilities
+ Elevators play peek-a-boo with little girls.
+ Elevators are the first step in a brand new mechanical revolution.
+ Security guards in tall skyscrapers will spy on people.
+ Roller-skaters in NYC are idiots.
+ Swat has no training against elevators.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
9 min – Isn’t that apartment building from Ghostbusters?
11 min – Great you jinxed it.
27 min – This is what happens when you don't use that cane.
34 min – Look like someone lost their taxidermy dog.
36 min – Sir, a man had his head cut off by an elevator. How can you not suggest a malfunction with these elevators?
44 min – I didn’t know Ron Perlman owned an elevator repair company.
49 min – How can a movie about a killer elevator suddenly become so implausible?
54 min – People hire the weirdest day care employees.
63 min – Hey, I could buy the ghost angle!
70 min – Hmm… I can’t be sure, but it looks like that red paint.
73 min – The man is right. You can’t ask a mad scientist about organic computer chips in a public place and not look like an idiot.
80 min – I think we are breaking the weight limit on that elevator.
85 min – Dude, why do you even need to hide? You work for METEOR!
88 min 25 sec – FREEZE FRAME! GMC sponsors this movie!
98 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ELEVATOR!
103 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A COMPUTER CHIP!
105 min – After all of that, you want to do it an elevator of all places?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Mitchell: We live in a vertical world. If you can't trust the elevators, what the f**k can you trust?

Mark Newman: Nine people out of ten make it out of an elevator alive.

Jennifer Evans: I think that elevator is haunted.
Mark Newman: [Shrugging] Sure, why not?

THE PLOT

Here’s an interesting movie if I have ever seen one! It’s a film about killer elevators, but not only that folks, it’s a remake of a German 1982 film called De Lift. The movies are even directed by the same director, Dick Maas. I’m not sure how to response to this and the fact we are dealing with a movie about vicious elevators, but let’s venture forth into this film regardless.

Our film begins in New York City at the Millennium Building, a fake skyscraper with 102 floors. I love see someone walk all those stairs. Lighting strikes the building and there is a power surge, which causes some problem with the elevators. As such, the elevator doors nearly crush a security guard, but they only smash the guy’s flashlight.

The following day, we see the building open and a bunch of pregnant women entering an elevator after finishing a pregnancy class. As the elevator is descending, it comes to a strange and abrupt halt on the 22nd floor. While trap in the elevator, the heat starts rising (Can elevator do that?) and two of the women instantly go into labor. Maintenance tries to open the elevator, but it refuses to open up until the elevator then decides to finish coming down to the first floor.

METEOR elevator company sends Mark Newman and Jeffery to investigate and the fix problem, but their initial report finds nothing wrong. Well all those eerie and strange angle shots of the elevator after they leave say differently. Oh yeah, not to mention a blind man falls through an empty elevator shaft on the 91st floor along with his seeing eye-dog. Next time, make sure there is something there before stepping in.

At night, two security guards investigate an elevator that is moving up and down by itself. On the 40th floor, the door opens and reveals the empty shaft. One of the guards looks into the empty shaft and the elevator doors trap his head in between them, which then allows the elevator to come crashing down and decapitating him.

With the latest incident, the building closes down all three of the express elevators and calls in Mark and Jeffery to look into the elevators again. Mark is met by Jennifer Evans, a reporter who is investigating the incidents happening in the building. He blows off her, but not before saying, ‘9 out of 10 people make it out an elevator alive.” I would like to question where he actually got that statistic from.

The mechanics again state that the elevators are perfectly safe, but really, we all know they aren’t. As such, we see two roller skaters cruisin’ through NYC traffic and cut through the underground parking ramp. One of them gets separated from the other and crashes in front of an elevator. Then in perhaps the most bizarre moment of the movie; the elevator opens up, brightly glowing on the inside; and literally sucks him in! Since when do elevators have ability to suck people into them and have a heavenly glow? This moment sort of looks like that scene in Poltergeist where the little girl is sucked into her closet.

Anyways, the guy is sucked in and spat out the elevator on the 86 floor, which shots him over the balcony edge on that floor. I guess it didn’t like the taste of that guy. So with that little incident, Mark hears about it on the news, which reports it as a tragic suicide because of eye witnesses. How dumb are these eyewitnesses? The guy literally flew out of the elevator, through a window, and then smashes through a metal grate surrounding the balcony. How can a person alone smash through a metal gate? Even the police officer in charge of the case, Lt. McBain, finds all of this hard to believe.

Mark heads to the scene and talks to Jennifer, also on the scene get information, about what happened. She shows him security footage from a video tape she got of what happened to the skater and points out that from the time he got in the elevator and was spat out, it only took 2 seconds! Shocked by this discovery, he takes the footage over to Jeffery, who refuses to look at it for whatever reason.

The two decide to investigate and take a look into the man who created the building’s elevators and the mechanics behind it, a Gunter Steinberg. The two of them research the projects he worked on in the past and come on across an interesting one about where he had created ‘organic, reproducing computer chips.’ To sum up all the silly science used to explain the chips, they became too dangerous to use after they began to have a mind of their own when used in machines. As such, they believe Steinberg used one of the chips on the elevators and now they are killing machines. That doesn't explain what the lighting bolt did at the beginning of the movie though.

The next day, Jeffery’s body is discovered after crashing through the top door of one of the elevators. Lt. McBain, believing he has figured out the case now, assumes that Jeffery is the one behind all the accidents happening in the building and says that because he is dead now, the elevators should be safe to use now. Great, bring on the massive slaughter of life now!

With the elevators opened now, people begin piling in to use them. Since it’s so damn obvious, one of the elevators goes haywire and zooming up the building at extreme speeds, which rips off the floor of it and causes everyone to fall to their deaths. Yep, those elevators sure are safe Lt. McBain, aren’t they? With this crazy event, the president himself has to shut down the entire building and call in the FBI to handle everything.

Jennifer and Mark are forced to sneak into the building to check out their computer chip theory, but to do so; Jennifer has to sneak in Mark while she is disguised as a METEOR employee. Ah, why? He works for METEOR so why does he need to hide? Since she isn’t an employee, she is easily found out and taken into custody while Mark manages to sneak into the building. Through a series of silly Solid Snake style sneaking around, he reaches the top of the elevator shaft and discovers the organic chip, which looks like a bunch of shredded Styrofoam with pinkish red glow to it.

Mark stabs it a couple of times with a screwdriver and that causes one of the elevators to burst into flames! Don’t look at me; I’m just reporting what I’m seeing! Then that elevator comes crashing down and nearly slices him in half, like a unfortunate swat member. Steinberg comes into the building to destroy the chip himself before everyone finds it and traces it back to him. Unfortunately for him, two of the higher ranking members in charge recognize him on footage and realize what’s going. To explain, the organic computer chip was originally a government project, but was stopped since it was too dangerous and Steinberg was relieved of duty because of it. So apparently, Steinberg decided to continue the experiment using the elevators here.

Mark, having grabbed one of the stinger missile launchers brought in by the swat team, decides to blow up the organic chip to finish the job. However, Steinberg appears and threatens him with a gun. I have no clue how he climbed 65 floors in less than a few minutes. The officers appear to stop him, but he and Mark are grabbed by the elevator shaft cables and pulled in. Luckily, Mark blows up the computer chip and manages to save himself. Steinberg, on the other hand, is killed by the cables.

After a day or so in hospital, Mark is released and Jennifer goes to pick them up. On the way down, the elevator they are taking comes to a stop, having been stopped when Mark pressed the emergency stop button. He hit the button so he can sleep with Jennifer… right there in the elevator… and she agrees to it. Where did this romance come from? The movie ends with the two of them bonking as the screen goes black while “Love in a Elevator” plays in the background.

I hate to disappoint anyone who was hoping for me to tear this movie a new one, but the film wasn't that bad. Hey, I’m just surprised as you. I can’t say if the movie is superior to the original, but it is a decent little b-movie flick. The soundtrack is alright, there’s a good balance of how much elevators are shown and how much they kill people so we don’t get sick of seeing them or get bored waiting to see them, I like the reason for why the elevators are killers, the science isn’t too insulting, and the acting for the main leads is decent (Though pretty much else everyone pulls in a forgettable, but not terrible performance).

For what is bad about the film, I think the script is suffering from a bunch of unnecessary things that could have been cut out. There are a few pointless scenes or moments that aren’t important, like the fight Mark gets into at the beginning or Jennifer tricking the swat officers. They don’t add anything to the characters or have an impact later on. A few characters introduced are also completely pointless and serve no importance later on, like Lt. McBain. The movie also has things that are really not needed and only seem to exist to make sure this film is rated R, like the obsessive amounts of swearing or a nude scene at the very beginning that has nothing to do with anything. Finally, a couple of death scenes are bad since they don’t make much sense. If the elevators can suck people into it, why don't they do that more often and frankly, how does that even work? Is it even possible for the floor of an elevator to rip off if it’s going too fast? How can elevators make themselves heat up anyways?

Regardless, this is actually a movie that maybe worth a watch for b-movie fans or people who are just interested in seeing when elevators go bad. It’s probably the best killer elevator movie out there, but then again, what’s its competition?

Movie Review: Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep

2010-09-20T15:42:00.001-05:00

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
Rated R
2 Slimes
Copyright Nu Image Films 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Ray Reiter: An underwater photographer whose parents were killed by a giant squid when he was young. That’s sort of an interesting career choice after such a traumatic experience. He’s pretty unremarkable for a main character.

Nicole: An oceanographer who is checking out the sunken wrecks in Desolation Passage and is hoping to find a rare mask and opal in the sea. Somehow has the ability to survive a squid attack.

Michael: Cory Monteith! One of the team members that works for Nicole and he is the first witness of the killer squid in modern times. He gave the bad guys the coordinates to where the sunken ship is. He’s shot to death by one of Maxwell’s goons.

Sally: Michael’s girlfriend and a member of Nicole’s team. Randomly killed by the squid.

Maxwell Odemus: Some mafia/shady guy/pirate who wants the treasure in Desolation Passage and who I think is trying to do an impression of Christopher Walken. He is killed by the Kraken.

Kraken: A squid who is supposedly trying to protect the opal, but does a pretty lousy job of it because it constantly attacks and kills people who aren’t even after the opal for no reason. This thing can eat a lot, way more than how much could actually fit in its stomach. Killed by assault rifle fire from Ray.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Seals mess with underwater cameras all the time.
+ Squids growl and shriek.
+ Squids can change size.
+ Squids are very hungry creatures.
+ Squids have blue blood.
+ Being shot by an assault rifle does not mean you’ll have bullet holes in your body.
+ All shady dealers are required to wear black to distinguish themselves amongst from others.
+ The mafia is involved in deep sea dives.
+ Drinking and fishing go together like peanut butter and jelly.
+ The mob prefers the name Aristocrat Mafia.
+ Always bring assault rifles when you are treasure diving to keep others away from your find.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
0 min – I see the movie is trying to be clever.
2 min – You got to be s******g me.
5 min – 10 bucks says their dead meat. Making out in movies in never a good thing for characters to do.
10 min – Squid ahoy!
16 min – FREEZE FRAME! This movie is sponsored by Diet Pepsi.
21 min – For a killer squid, he’s not as big as I thought he would be.
28 min – Pepsi cans everywhere!
34 min – Dude! That girl just pulled the guy into the water for no reason!
39 min – Wait! They didn’t pay their bill. They can’t leave.
43 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BOAT!
45 min – How is having your boat explode and having you discover a extremely rare treasure make you an embarrassment to an university?
51 min – This squid size keeps changing!
65 min – It looks like a giant Christmas tree light.
76 min – Now there’s a way to die.
82 min – Empty the whole clip!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Nicole: [Observing Mike kissing Sally’s neck] Don’t you have anything better to do?
Mike: No.

Ray: [About Maxwell and his team] Old friends?
Nicole: More like vultures.

THE PLOT

I have a bit of a beef with Nu Image Films being the studio behind this film. The reason is because the last time Nu Image was involved in a movie about a killer cephalopod, that movie really stunk to high heaven. Octopus 2 and not mention Octopus are some really crappy films so the fact that we are dealing with another tentacle monster film from this company immediately bothers me. Though I could be wrong… possibly.

Our film begins in 1982 at a place called Desolation Passage, where we see a couple making out on a boat in the middle of the night. They hear a strange sound and the guy checks it out while the woman checks on their son down below. Cue sea monster! The mom sees her husband, when she gets back on deck, being pulled into the water by a tentacle. Then in the most idiotic thing imaginable, the creature slightly hits the boat and the woman does a head over heels fall into the water somehow! How does that work?! Her son tries to rescue her by trying to hand her something to grab onto, but like most women in these movies, she pathetic grabbing and holding onto abilities and is such pulled under.

We jump ahead years later to present day where we see a scientist, Nicole, and her team checking out a sunken ship in the Desolation Passage. Using an underwater camera, they discover a ton of priceless treasures and are excited about the discovery. However, something starts messing with the camera and crew members try reel the camera back in. One of the members is killed during the process (It’s kind of hard to explain. You just need to see it to believe it) and his body falls into the sea, where it’s quickly snatched up by the killer squid.

Somewhere else, we see the boy from earlier, Ray Reiter, all grown up and hearing the news report about the squid attack. He goes to meet with the crew and joins them, hoping to get any more information on the squid. They head back to the sunken ship and Nicole dives down to it to check it for the treasure, with Ray behind her.

As she explores the ship, she recovers a mask, but is then attacked by the squid. Luckily, Ray manages to get her to safety, after discovering a dead body (Okay, it’s just a severed leg). Back on the boat, Nicole tells Ray about the mask and how there are only 3 of them in existence, with this being the only one left that hasn’t been sold on the black market. The Black Market: Providing you with any ancient mask you want since forever.

Speaking of said black market, we are introduced to Maxwell Odemus as our team reaches the shore after their dive. He and his cronies harass Nicole in the usual shady way a mafia member shakes someone down and walk off with a vague threat like every other stereotype mobster. I’m getting a strange Shark Swarm vibe off these guys and that’s not a good thing. Moving on the more interesting matters, the squid shows up and scares a couple of 20 somethings on a boat. In a bizarre move for one of them, a girl grabs the guy and latterly pulls into the water while she falls over. So far, this movie has the worst ‘fall into the water’ moments I have ever seen.

Also what is odd here is the squid changing sizes. The first scene had the squid bigger than a yacht, then when it pops up again it’s small enough to swim through the corridors of a sunken ship, and now it is the size of a small fishing boat! Make of your mind movie. How big is this thing?

During the night, Ray and Nicole go on a date (Such simple character development and stuff) while one of Nicole’s team members, Michael, meeting with one of Maxwell’s goons. Michael hands over a CD with information on the navigation points to where Nicole has been diving for treasure. Then the baddy goes off and blows up Nicole’s boat.

Nicole is heartbroken by this since she was so close to finding the treasure and the university won’t give her another boat to continue her hunt. Luckily, Ray jumps her rescue by buying a boat using his life savings and they are back in business for finding the rest of the treasure, a rare opal. The two of them discuss the opal as they head out to their diving spot and realize that everywhere the opal goes, there is a squid attack. Their theory is that the squid is the opal’s protector and yet, I’ll buy this theory more than the theory for the shark in Red Water.

Maxwell and his men head into Desolation Passage and start looking for the opal themselves. As you can imagine the squid starts chowing down on his men silently as Nicole’s crew arrive to begin their dive. Nicole and Ray head into the sunken ship and get the opal, while above the water Michael and Jenny, the other member of Nicole’s crew, is captured by Maxwell himself.

Nicole and Ray leave the ship and are confronted by both Maxwell’s team and the Kraken as well. The two of them make a swim for it as the squid slowly picks off the bad guys. You know, this squid ate 6 people in less than 24 hours. How much can a giant squid eat in that much time anyways? During the whole incident, Nicole and Ray get separated as the squid chases Ray into the sunken ship, trapping him.

Nicole is picked up by one of the goons Maxwell has and is brought aboard his ship. He has Michael killed and forces her to give up the golden mask she obtained earlier, because it is very valuable and is suppose to go along with the opal as well. As Maxwell is about to leave, the engine stalls and he is stuck out there. Ray manages to get to the boat (His boat has now been destroyed by the bad guys) and goes to rescue Nicole and Jenny. However, he is spotted by the last goon Maxwell has (everyone else was Kraken fodder) and starts getting the crap kicked out of him. His plan to save them would have gone off better if he didn’t start shouting to find them!

After a quick struggle, the squid grabs the goon and kills him, shoving its tentacle right through his head and mouth. Ray rescues the two girls, but Jenny is then held hostage by Maxwell. Nicole pleads to him to throw the opal into the water because the Kraken will just keep attacking them. Actually, it’ll just keep attacking Maxwell since he has the opal and not you, but then again the theory is out of the question since the squid just seems to kill everyone who isn’t even interested in the opal, including Ray’s parents and those teens from before.

Then the squid just randomly shows up and grabs Jenny & Maxwell, pulling them both into the water. And the point to kill Jenny was???? Why naturally to make only Nicole and Ray the survivor and have them get together over this tragedy like other movies. I never get the idea of leaving only 2 survivors, a guy and girl, alive so they can become close. It’s completely stupid and makes no sense. Who would want to be a couple or become romantic after all of this? If anything, I would be out of there because I wouldn’t want to see the last reminder of this horrifying time in my life. Also, this is now 9 people and a small boat the squid has eaten! Again, how much can a frickin’ squid eat?! It must have one hell of a digestive system.

Wait! I was wrong! The squid then grabs Nicole and pulls her under as well! That was different! Points for being original I suppose. With that, Ray is the last one standing and grabs an assault rifle (I don’t know why the bad guys have that onboard) and finishes the squid off when it climbs on board. That was a stupid move by the squid. He then leaves in the last life boat and runs into Nicole of all people as he leaves. Why is she still alive and how is she still alive. I’m getting more flashbacks, but this time to Jaws: The Revenge. The movie then ends as rescue comes to pick them up and we get a shot of the opal, which has fallen into sea, being surrounded by many baby squids.

I have good news to say. This movie is not as bad as its previous outings with these tentacle sea creatures, so that is a plus for certain for Nu Image Films for once. Still, we aren’t dealing with that good of a movie here. The acting isn’t memorable, the movie has way too many familiar elements from other movies (Some not so good), the CGI is bad for the squid, characters aren’t define well, a few things don’t make sense, and the movie is kind of boring too.

I will admit the story is alright; the underwater scenes looked good; and the monster attack scenes, while fake, are decent. This is a run of the mill Sci-Fi/Sy-Fy channel production that is a bit better than the usual and admittedly good for a killer squid/octopus movie. If you are looking for a film like that, I recommend this. However, if you want a good killer octopus/squid movie, I think you are better off with It Came from Beneath the Sea.

First Impressions: Comic Party

2010-08-11T11:26:00.002-05:00

Comic Party

Company/Studio: Oriental Light and Magic
TV Station: Television Kanagawa
Licensed By: The Right Stuf International

Main Characters (Of the Episode):
• Kazuki Sendo (Sam Riegal)
• Mizuki Takase (Rachael Lillis)
• Taishi Kuhonbutsu (Liam O’Brien)
• Yu Inagawa (Georgette Reilly)

Information:
Comic Party was based off a dating sim with Hentai themes to it back in 1999 for the PC. The game would be later released onto the Dreamcast and PSP with the adult content cut out. Before the anime debuted, a few months earlier a manga based off the game would be released in 2001. There was one final anime created in 2005 that was worked on by two different companies and two different directors. Also, the title would be licensed in America like the original, but with a completely new voice cast.

Synopsis:
The episode begins with our main character, Kazuki Sendo, making a run for his school, late as can be. Once he gets into his class, he realizes something is off. Everyone is completely different and everyone is confusing with someone else. The thing is that he is somehow stuck inside of the world of To Heart. This horrifying revelation is enough to wake up from his sleep and back into reality where his friend, Mizuki Takase is standing next to him, waiting for him to wake up.

After the opening, the two of them head out and end up running into the overly dramatic and spontaneous Taishi Kuhonbutsu near the train station. They try sneaking away from them, but he catches them and drags them along to take them to their true destinies as he calls it. He takes them to a large convention center in Odaiba where the ultimate fan comic convention is happening and nerds of all kinds have packed the place.

In the raging and stampeding crowds, Mizuki disappears, leaving Taishi to take Kazuki all over the place and buy tons of fan comics, has he calls it, part one of their destinies. They end up getting separated (though I suspect Taishi to have ditched him on purpose), leaving Kazuki by himself. Frustrated by everything, he decides to find an exit out, while running into little girls on runaway carts and convention traffic control members.

Eventually and through a strange mishap, Taishi finds getting help by a young fan comic writer called Yu Inagawa. He comments to himself about how anyone can enjoy themselves here with the noisiness and the hot temperature going on at the place. Annoyed by his attitude, Yu hands him one of her comics to read and finds that he likes her work. She then has him work with her to get an idea of a fan comic convention and understand a little more about why people like coming to these events or buying fan comics.

After helping her out and seeing her costumers, Kazuki has a bit of a better understanding and appreciation for what all of this means to the people and creators. When the whole event is over, he meets up with Taishi and Mizuki again, who is completely out of it after being lost for so long from her friends. After dropping Mizuki off at home, Taishi starts questioning Kazuki about the event and if he learned anything from it. Kazuki says while he at first found the place to be weird, he soon enjoyed himself and noticed how much fun everyone was having. Taishi then breaks out into a large and epic speech point out declaring that fan comics will be the new media to overtake world and they should get in on it, trying to escape from the mundane lives. In all honesty, it was hard to follow everything the guy said, but I’ll be damn if I wasn’t inspired by all of his speech.

Summing up his epic speech, he wants Kazuki and himself to create the ultimate fan comic that’ll ‘overtake’ the entire world. As you can imagine, Kazuki is completely lost by this speech of epic proportions but agrees to check out one more convention. The following day, their high school senior career begins and a new student has transferred in, who happens to be Yu! Our episode then ends with Taishi declaring out loud (In the middle class by the way) that all the key players are now all here and now it is time for Kazuki to draw fan comics. Of course, this revelation leaves Mizuki horrified that her friend will be getting more involved in this world.

The Good, The Bad, and Everything Else in Between:
Starting things off, let’s take a look at the animation for the show. Most of the characters look fine and all, but they are bit on the bland side with how similar it looks to a lot of other shows. No real animation failures or any editing errors as well. Though the most notable thing here is that a lot of the characters do a lot of super-deformed, face faults, or large over exaggerations that can be a bit distracting. This is most notable when Yu’s rival, Eimi Ooba, appears for the first time.

The music is quite forgettable and really does nothing to stand out grab your attention. Can’t even say if it helped added to the atmosphere or mood in the show. The opening and closing songs are pretty good though, with the opening being the best of the two of them.

I think the story is pretty good and starts off nicely being about the world of fan comics. We are introduced to the subject that we are probably not familiar with, but become interested in as the characters talk a bit about it. I also find the subject matter pretty original since there aren’t any animes out there to my knowledge that focuses on just the fandom around fan comics in Japan and what they mean to some people.

The voice work is, however, a bit of a very mixed bag I find. Kazuki sounds good, but Sam Riegel for the character makes a goof or does bad line read occasionally. Now Mizuki’s voice is just great. Rachel Lillis nails this role well by getting all of her emotions very well, especially when she is angry (Hey, she did Misty in Pokémon so I know she can do that great). The side characters… are where we hit a few problems. Characters that I didn’t mention in the review, like Eimi and Chisa Tsukamoto, have some annoying high pitch voices, especially with Chisa. Eimi can easily drive someone nuts when she starts yelling at Yu and calling her a panda, but I can deal with her. Speaking of which, Yu’s voice is strange. She does not sound like a high school student at all and she sounds like she has a bit of a cold as well.

However, there is one performance that can easily make you forgive these problems. That is Liam O’Brien as Taishi. Damn, this guy was just awesome! He got every point and pitch about Taishi perfectly. He got his over enthusiasm, his dramatic side, and what makes him just a blast to watch. I just love the way the guy says ‘comrade!’ or ‘my brother’ which a big emphasis on the brother. This is what I call, a perfect performance.

There is one final thing to note with this dub and that is that there a couple of edits. A few things were Americanized to be more accessible for people. I noticed this when they talking about money where the prices were in American instead of Japanese Yen. This was very noticeable since a character handed Kazuki a 500 Yen coin and the camera focused on it. It really doesn’t detract or hurt the show, but purists may have a large problem with this.

Overall Impression:
The first episode did open up the series quite well with establishing cast of the characters quite well and opening us up into the world fan comics. The animation and the music are forgettable while the voice acting is a bit annoying for a bunch of characters. This could turn you off the series or make you watch it in subtitles. I recommend giving the show at least a try though to see if you are into it. Heck, I recommend trying the dub over the sub just for the fact that Liam O’Brien is just so awesome.

Anime Show Review: Green Green Part 7

2010-08-11T09:35:00.000-05:00

Green Green Part 7: Episode 11 & 12
Rated 16 and Older
1 ½ Slimes
Copyright Media Blasters 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Yuusuke Takasaki: The male lead who finally remembers his past. Unfortunately, he doesn’t even considering trying to alter his fate and pretty much gives up on trying anything. He also seems very breakable since a simple tumble is enough to almost kill him.

Midori Chitose: The female lead who finally gets Yuusuke to remember his past. She is the only one who is trying to fight her own fate since Yuusuke is too much of a putz to try. She is forced to give up a ton of her life force in order for him to live and has to return to the future because of it. When she returns home, everybody but Yuusuke and Futaba forget her.

Tadatomo Ijuuin, Hikaru Ichiban-Boshi, and Taizo Tenjin: I will be referring to these guys as the pervert squad, since that best describes the 3 of them and their little posse. They don’t play a big role in these two episodes, but point out how Yuusuke has changed since he awaken and helped take him back to the school after his injury.

Futaba Kutsuki: A female student who is very much in love with Yuusuke and is a bit depressed since he started going out with Midori. She seems to have a sixth sense where she able to tell if there are strange things about other people, like Midori and Reika.

Reika Morimura: An agent of the future who was trying to keep Yuusuke and Midori from coming together in order to prevent a tragedy. She ultimately leaves them be when Yuusuke remembers, but is forced to take Midori back home after she loses a lot of her life force.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Destiny and fate likes to f**k with people.
+ Girls can make a guy walk like a toy soldier.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
(Time According to Green Green Complete Disc 3)
50 min – They’re possessed!
53 min – Didn’t see that coming.
61 min – Hooray!
64 min – EWWWW!!!
69 min – That had to be one of the worst line readings I have ever heard.
77 min – You won’t get this unless you know Japanese culture.
78 min – I’m pretty sure that’s pity.
83 min – That’s a pretty far out there guess, but hey! It’s right.
85 min – I’m pretty sure God has better things to do then to pick on you two.
86 min – Whoa, where did she teleport from?
91 min – What? You could have blown her kiss good bye at the least.

THE PLOT

We are reaching the end of our long journey through the perverted insanity that is the anime, Green Green. We have reached Episode 11 and 12 with the main two characters, Yuusuke and Midori, finally together with him now remembering his past. We still do not have a clear understand of what happened, but perhaps now we’ll discover the truth. Heck, maybe the show might become even better now that we got to interesting stuff. Only one way to find out! Let’s venture forth!

Episode 11 begins with the realization that the school coed program will be ending soon. The Pervert Squad of course is sad and also pretty mad at Yuusuke as well since he is the only boy in the entire school to actually end up with a girl. Reality blows, doesn’t guys?

With Midori and Yuusuke now pretty chummy together, Reika is pretty upset. She flashes back to when the two couple first kissed in the last episode. She had arrived and confronted the two of them. Reika then tells him the truth about her, that she is an agent of faith or something. She is supposed to watch over the humans and… well I’m just confused. I thought Reika and Midori were sisters and stuff.

Reika tells him that in the past they use to love each other unconditionally, but could never come together no matter what the circumstances. They made a promise that when they died; they would be reincarnated and could be together then. Finally, they killed themselves. That’s a pretty damn big gamble if I ever heard it so that they could come together eventually. I’m pretty surprised it actually worked however.

So, they did end up being reincarnated, but with Yuusuke in the 20th Century and Midori in the 31st Century. Reika explains with this that they should never come together because it is their destiny, even though Midori did remember traveled back in time to return to him. Midori dismisses this and the two of them are determined to change their destinies. The flash back ends then with Reika looking sad at them. One wonders how this will all turn out.

As you can imagine, this new found couple is also making others sad as well. Futaba is in a bit of a slump now Yuusuke is with Midori and actually passes out in the bath. She taken to the school nurse Chigusa, who figures out the problem she is having and asks Futaba about it. Also, the pervert squad confronts Yuusuke about never hanging out with them anymore and says he is a completely different person now that he is with Midori.

Yuusuke, worrying about his future now and what they said, asks Reika about what is going to happen to him and his past now that he remembers. She isn’t fully sure and leaves it up to him to figure it out. He surprised she isn’t going to try to interfere with this doubt and she says she is just going to let things happen now. Apparently, she is now hoping for them and something. Their dialogue is hard to follow and their acting isn’t selling me.

Later that day, Yuusuke runs into Futaba in the library (Awkward!). He asks her about destiny and if it is possible to change the future, leaving her puzzled. Who wouldn’t be is someone randomly asked you that question out of nowhere? Then they talk a while and see how easy it is to talk to each other. They then tell each other they wish the other was the different gender because it would be… I got nothing. This is puzzling me even more.

After an extremely hilariously bad line read from Futaba, Midori stumbles upon them. To make it even more awkward, Futaba at this point is pretty close to him at the moment. The episode then ends with her running off and leaving the two of them alone. That episode was odd and confusing at some points, plus bad voice work. However, the plot was moving pretty good so maybe episode 12 can do some improvements.

We now reached the final English episode and with the final day of the girls stay at the school. Midori still thinks that she will be sticking around because that Yuusuke finally remember, however, he asks for her to return with Reika because of his conflicting feelings about this awakening and how it messes his now established life. Midori is heartbroken by this and goes crying to Reika. Way to go Casanova, you do a great job breaking things to her.

Despite knowing that this would really play out, Reika still reassures Midori that she managed to change their destiny by being able to reunite in the present. Well that is a way to look at it. It then turns to the Summer Dance, where the school is throwing a sort of going away party for the girls in membrane of the time they spent. During this, Midori takes Yuusuke aside to the building they spent time in when it down poured (Back in episode 6).

She confronts him about everything and asks him if he really loves her, while pointing out that their destiny has indeed change in a way and that may be able to change everything now. However, Yuusuke is still adamant about this and is not sure if they will be able to change their fates. He asks to return back to the future and stay there so they won’t have to throw their lives away. Midori then confesses that she doesn’t know how to go back. Okay, this is getting interesting now.

She reveals it was a one way ticket to the past and asks him again if she should have wasted his time by coming back. He tells her that she wasn’t a waste of time but they still can’t fight their fates. Oh come on Yuusuke! You can at least put some effort into trying at the very least. With his unwillingness to try or seem to give her the right answer she wants, Midori takes off into the storm that has overrun the area. He gives chase after her, but ends up knocking himself out when catching up to her and suffering from a fall.

We cut back to the dance, where a bunch of monkeys run to get help. Don’t ask; it’s a weird story. They just saw the accident where Yuusuke fell and went for help. They lure the pervert squad out to Yuusuke, where Midori is currently trying to help him wake up, and the guys help get them back to the school. Even when they get back to the school, Yuusuke still out of it. Damn, that slight tumbling and fall on wet and muddy ground really knocked him for a loop.

Unfortunately, an ambulance can’t get to the school until morning due to a landslide in the area that is blocking the road. Maybe fate does have it out for the couple, even though I don’t understand why it likes messing when them. Midori naturally assumes this is all her fault, because she came into the modern century and fate is now trying to do whatever to keep them apart permanently. Fate and destiny are cruel bastards.

Midori spends the night next to Yuusuke in the nurse’s office and Futaba comes in to comfort her during this time. Then in a very odd moment, as Midori holds Yuusuke’s hand, their hands start glowing!! (This happened back in episode 5) Reika randomly appears from nowhere and tells her not to use the glow power otherwise she’ll die. Apparently, Midori came into this power when she was crossing time & space and this power in particular has the ability to give a person’s life force to another. Couldn’t we have shown more of this throughout the series? It could have been a very interesting plot point.

So if she gives up most of her power, she can no longer live in this century. I’m more surprised by the fact that Futaba is taking all of this in strive, even though she mentioned she suspected there was something odd about the two girls. As you can imagine, she gives up most of her life force to heal him. She then kisses him one last time and drops onto the bed, out cold. Good night, sweet princess.

Yuusuke wakes up and the two girls fill him on what happen, telling him that now it’s his time to save her life. Reika leads him (As he holds Midori), with Futaba following, to a dead tree in the middle of the forest, which she reveals to be a portal to the future. Midori wakes up and realizes what is happening as Yuusuke asks Reika if she can ever returned. She sadly shakes her head no and Midori tells him not to worry about her. She tells him she was glad that they were able to be together, even for a little while, and then she and Reika return home, leaving Yuusuke and Futaba to watch them leave.

Yuusuke returns back to the nurse’s office, without anyone else being the wiser, and everyone is really relieved by this. Yuusuke goes to the girls’ dormitory where everyone is meeting to say good-bye and get some photographs taken by the students over the time the girls spent there. However, something catches everyone’s attention. A picture of Midori with Yuusuke. The thing is that no one seems to remember who she is or even the fact she was at the school to begin with.

With that, the episode closes out with Yuusuke and Futaba saying good-bye and the rest of the girls leaving on their bus back to their school. The credits roll as they leave and all the guys say good-bye. Just before everything blacks out, we hear Midori and Yuusuke confessing their love for each other one last time.

That’s it folks. That’s final English episode of the show. Now let us reflect on the last 2 episodes. We have a bit of a problem sadly. The voice acting took a bit of nosedive with these episodes. I really think these actors and actresses cannot do drama to save their lives. The voice work, admittedly, is fine when the people are talking normally and saying things without too much emotion them. However, when they have to get dramatic, they fail big time. You may find yourself switching over to the original language for these final episodes.

Other problems that suffer here are some of the last minute reveals, especially with the life force thing. I feel the show could have expanded more on this and established it earlier on to get us interested on how this will come back to play later on instead of just showing it only twice. I also find a bit upsetting that they didn’t expand much on Futaba’s little sister throughout the show. Almost every character, besides the nurse, was given enough background or development so they wouldn’t be real cardboard cut outs. I also didn’t really like this ending since all the buildup with this romance and trying to cheat destiny ended up being a letdown with Midori returning back to her time. Though, this is a matter of opinion mind you since the ending could work for others.

On a more positive note, I do think the story did improve towards the end, even if it was a bit predictable. The fan service and the antics of the pervert squad that were disgusting and disturbing earlier on were barely even there, making this much for tolerable. The animation was alright again with no problem and impressively, I think the soundtrack actually was decent and worked for the scenes towards end.

I don’t know really when I at these two episodes. I think the improvements were great, but the problems were annoying and hurt it overall. I say that at this point, you probably won’t mind anymore after you finish sitting through it. You came to expect some of this as the show went on so you really shouldn’t be thinking the ending was going to be all that great.

Even though I’m talking like this is the ending of the show, it isn’t. This is where the English dub ends for the show, but there is still one episode left. This episode wasn’t picked up by the company dubbing the show because of certain things in it. As such, since this show isn’t over yet, there will be one last review to end everything for good. Stay tuned because we are approaching the final stretch of Green Green.

First Impressions: Negima! Magister Negi Magi

2010-08-09T10:26:00.001-05:00

Negima! Magister Negi Magi

Company/Studio: Xebec
TV Station: TV Tokyo
Licensed By: Funimation Entertainment

Main Characters (Of the Episode):
• Negi Springfield (Greg Ayres)
• Asuna Kagurazaka (Luci Christian)
• Takamichi T. Takahata (Mark Stoddard)
• Konoka Konoe (Monica Rial)
• Nodoka Miyazaki (Leah Clark)

Information:
Negima! is based off the manga, Negima! Magister Negi Magi, written by Ken Akamatsu, who is also know for the famous harem series Love Hina. The manga was first debuted in 2003 and then the anime adapted followed in 2005 (Not to mention the OVA that came first). The manga series would become even more popular, spawning an additional series different from this one; more OVAs; a live action TV drama; and in 2011, an animated movie!

This anime in question was created in early 2005 and by then, about 9 volumes of the growing 30+ volume series were out. As such, the anime ends quite early and ends differently than the manga.

Synopsis:
Our episode begins in Mahora Academy, where in the girls’ bath/pool we spy our female lead, Asuna Kagurazaka trying to perform some sort of magic spell given to her by her best friend, Konoka Konoe. The ‘spell’ is supposed to make Takamichi T. Takahata, Asuna’s English teacher who she crushing on hard, fall in love with her. Any spell involving sponges and a fish costume cannot be considered a real spell and Konoka is, amusingly, quick to point out how desperate her friend is.

The two of them then head off for school, as it is the first day of the semester. On the way there, they run into ten year old Negi Springfield, who informs Asuna that she’ll be very unlucky in love. She confronts him angrily about his statement and during which, Negi sneezes. When he does, a large gust of wind appears from nowhere, blowing her skirt up. Like one can guess, this only infuriates her more. Before she can pound him hard, the school bell rings and the two girls take off for class before their late.

We cut to Class 2-A, Asuna and Konoka’s homeroom. This point, we introduced to a few key players throughout the show that’ll be of importance from the class representative Ayaka Yukihiro to the quiet Setsuna Sakurazaki (Though none of them are important for the moment). Their new homeroom teacher steps in and it turns out to be Negi Springfield. However, as he steps in, an eraser falls onto his head, but for a split second, Asuna sees that after he mumbled a few words, it had stopped in mid air for a few seconds.

Once the class discovers he is their new homeroom and English teacher, they are overjoyed and excited (Perhaps a bit too excited by what some say) about having a little kid as a teacher, but Asuna is sadly heartbroken (What over obsessed girl wouldn’t be?) and naturally suspicious about the eraser incident. Throughout the rest of the class, Asuna tries to see if he can stop anymore things by flicking erasers at him.

After an extremely exhausting day (Breaking up classroom brawls between girls is hard work after all), Negi relaxes outside by a fountain taking a look at his classroom roster. As he does, he notices one of his students, Nodoka Miyazaki, carrying a ton of books down a bunch of stairs. She takes a misstep accidently and tumbles off of the stairs, towards the stone ground. As she falls, Negi pulls out a magic broomstick and says a spell that manages to catch her from crashing to the ground hard.

She gently falls now and Negi manages to catch her, who has now passed out from the shock. However, things still haven’t gone completely right though. The episode then ends when he looks up and discovers Asuna standing nearby, stunned by what she just witnessed.

The Good, the Bad, and Everything Else in Between:
For those who have read the Negima, they’ll notice a bunch of differences right off the bat with the first episode. For most, the beginning is much different, starting off with Negi instead of Asuna and Konoka. They also discover Negi is their new teacher much sooner than they did in the show. However, these moments and a couple of others (Ones that tone down the fanservice quite a bit) do not hurt the episode in anyway, they are just noticeable.

The animation is fine, if not a bit bland. Everything is very bright and colorful in the episode from the settings and to the characters themselves. Curiously, the girls’ hair colors are all over the place, from blonde to blue to light green to even magenta. I point this out since a couple of their hair colors are a bit different from the covers on the manga and other series of the show. Again, this does not hurt the episode anyway; it is just something I noticed.

The music is oddly unremarkable and doesn’t really do much to set certain moods in the scenes. The music that played when Nodoka fell is a good example, where there was very light and sounds like there was a toy piano (Could have been a xylophone though) being played among the other instruments used. The opening song is a sort of catchy, but the closing one was a bit uninteresting. Overall, the music was the weakest link.

Turning to the English dub here, I think we have an okay job here. Now every girl in the sounds age appropriate, even the ones who didn’t say much and were mostly in the background for the episode. Konoka was the odd girl out however, sounding more like a soft spoken 10 year old with a pinch of a high pitch in it. Doesn’t bother me, but it could bother some others though. Takahata was the only other male performance and he was good here as well. A soft, but firm voice that matches the character I think well.

Regarding the two leading characters for the show, Greg Ayres plays Negi and Luci Christian is Asuna and their performance are mixed. Greg gives Negi an accent that does match up with him considering Negi’s background and where he came from. However, the performance felt lackluster and didn’t strike me. Though it is a first episode and he does get better as the show goes on admittedly. Luci was just pure gold as Asuna though and fits the character quite well, capturing her intense and angry personality very nicely.

Finally, let’s wrap this up with a look at the episode in general. The episode’s story is based off the first half of chapter 1 of the manga and it is more or less follows it well. I mentioned there were a few changes to it, but the episode still got all the main points down that were important from it. Strangest thing about the changes was that they tried to make it a sort of big reveal as Negi being the new teacher for the school and that he knows magic. Seems pointless since everybody watching the show probably already read the manga or already has a basic understanding of what the show will be about.

Overall Impression:
The episode does indeed work and set everything up for the upcoming series right. We established the female lead well and leave us interested in knowing more about Negi, if you don’t already know tons about him already. While the animation and music are unimpressive, the voice work is decent enough to probably average these issues out.

If you are a fan of Negima and Ken Akamatsu, you’ll probably want to check this out. If you are hoping this story will be following the series exactly, even given the fact the show ends even before the manga hits its tenth volume; you’ll probably be a disappointed at some parts in this episode and in later ones as well. However, if you don’t like the first episode, you probably won’t be sold on the series even with the things coming. I personally recommend just sticking with the manga though.

Movie Review: Bug

2010-08-04T10:13:00.003-05:00

Bug
Rated PG
2 Slimes
Copyright Paramount Pictures 1975

THE CHARACTERS

Professor James Parmiter: A college professor who is obsessed with the fire bugs and wants to breed them for whatever reason. Even when they kill his wife, he still is intent on making them breed! He slowly loses it over the course of the movie as he breeds the bugs into an extremely dangerous form. They eventually set him on fire and probably eat him alive; it’s not really clear.

Norma Tacker: The only daughter of the Tacker family who is strangely able to bounce back to normal after the death of two love ones right in front of her. She goes from a psychotic wreck to a happy and cheery girl in less than 2 days. A bug fries her ear, but I think she survives the encounter.

Professor Mark and Sylvia Ross: Patty McCormack as the wife! A couple who were good friends with James and Carrie. Mark helps James with the research on the bugs. After Carrie dies and James cuts himself off from the world, Sylvia decides to go see how he is doing and makes personal contact with his little roaches.

Gerald Metbaum: A former student of James who is dating Norma. He witnesses firsthand what the bugs are capable of and is the one who brings them to James’ attention.

Carrie Parmiter: James’ wife who is a big religious individual. She’s barbequed when a bug gets into her hair.

Cockroaches: These are bugs from somewhere far in the earth and can start fires by rubbing their cerci. They are poison and stomp proof, but are easily killed by the air pressure over time. They have a strange evolution cycle in which they are able to evolve extremely fast over 3 generations. They ultimately evolve in large, red, green eyed (Don’t know where they got those genetic traits) firebugs that are carnivores and can fly.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Cockroaches are pyromaniacs.
+ Cockroaches are extremely noisy, making very loud scratching noises.
+ Cockroaches get around easily by hitching rides on cars.
+ Cockroaches pop when stabbed.
+ Two different types of cockroaches can make flesh eating cockroaches.
+ The human body is extremely flammable.
+ Setting things on fire makes an electrical shock noise.
+ If you get a bunch of cockroaches together, they glow pinkish red!

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
0 min – Boring!!!!
4 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CHURCH!
9 min – Music is getting all techno like.
13 min – Stupid arsonist bugs.
18 min – Biology class is a lot different then I recall.
27 min –The film pointed out a plot hole.
35 min – Tell that guy on the synthesizer to cut it out!
39 min – What took you guys so long?
47 min – That facial expression never means anything good.
49 min – That’s a rather convenient place for a bug.
52 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST HAIR! Also, stop, drop, and roll lady!
56 min – Are those even the same bugs?
60 min – Hot bug sex! Don’t get to type that often.
71 min – Sir, there is a latch on the tank for a reason.
78 min –We’re getting too much static inference!
82 min – Well you’re f****d dude.
93 min – Holy crap! It went from day to night in less than 3 minutes!
97 min – These bugs manage to evolve into this form in just 2 rounds of breeding folks.
98 min – Huh? That’s it?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Cockroaches: [Forming the words using their bodies] We live.

THE PLOT

Based off of a novel, this movie is about killer cockroaches that can start fires. It was directed by the guy who did Jaws 2, Supergirl, and a bunch of episodes of Smallville. The producer was also behind Rosemary’s Baby and also directed House on the Haunted Hill and The Tingler. The original composer for this film also did the music for Happy Days and Wonder Woman. Hell, the guy in charge of special effects also worked on Mission Impossible II, Monster Squad, Misery, and even Mannequin! Need I say more? We got to see this!

The movie begins with an earthquake striking a little town in the middle nowhere (It’s always in the middle of nowhere, isn’t it?) causing lots of damage and leaving a large crack in the earth near Tacker Farm. After surviving the quake at a church, two members of the Tacker family come back from church, only to end up being burned alive after their truck suddenly bursts into flames when the engine stalled! Wow, nothing like getting to the point that bad news is coming.

Somewhere else at night, we see Gerald Metbaum out looking for Norma Tacker, his girlfriend. Gerald runs into her and her brother on the side of the road after their car broke down. I don’t know where they were going or why they are going, but Gerald takes them back to their home regardless. We also see, when the group leaves, a bunch of the cockroaches in the tailpipe of the car they were in. (Don’t know how they got into the vehicle, seeing how they don’t have wings) Then they actually set the vehicle ablaze! Well that explains it… sort of.

Gerald takes the two home and on the way out, stumbles across the killer cockroaches. He sees the bugs actually roast a cat alive (Thank you movie. That was so needed.) and set a bunch of the bushes on fire as well. Gerald goes to his old biology professor, James Parmiter, to get help on investigating the bugs. He takes the professor to the farm and they collect some of the bugs. After some observations and experiments, they discovers that bugs are blind, feed on ash, and can set things on fire by rubbing their cerci together. Don’t know what that is? Look it up and educate yourself. I can’t explain everything to you.

We then see a montage of things being set on fire all over the town (I also suspect there is some stock footage being sneaked in there). Those damn fire bugs! James gets a friend, Prof. Mark Ross, to help study the bugs to find out a weakness. Apparently, these bugs are as hard as steel, immune to poisons, and since the bugs are so hard, I suspect they are mostly stomp proof as well. They also point out how they are unsure of how the bugs get around so quickly if they can’t fly or move easily. My theory on this will always be teleportation. I am convinced that all killer creatures have teleportation skills after watching so many of these kinds of films

At his home, James discovers a bunch of the cockroaches in his car and makes the conclusion that the bugs get around so quickly because they travel by hiding inside of the tailpipes of vehicles. That doesn’t explain how these bugs get into the tailpipes mind you since they, again, cannot fly. James then decides to keep a couple for himself to experiment on. This is so going to come back to bite him in the ass.

After the funeral for the members of the Tacker family; we cut to their home where Norma, her brother, and Gerald are. The family is packing things up to leave when we see a bug crawl onto the earpiece of a phone. The telephone rings (See where this is going?) and Norma decides to answer. How she didn’t see the big cockroach when she picked up the phone is beyond me, but as you can imagine, as soon as the bug gets up to her head, it decides to fry her. Instead of swatting the bug off her ear, she just screams and panics. They guys come to her aid in time to save, but she is severely burned in the ear.

James gets a brain blast suddenly and returns back to the Tacker Farm to investigate the large crack further. He grabs one of the bugs and stabs it. It then explodes! He then makes an conclusion that these cockroaches cannot stand the low air pressure on the surface because they lived so far down in the earth before. He concludes that this is why the cockroaches are so slow, can’t mate, and are really dying because they can’t depressurize.

Since they are going to die, James starts panicking since he won’t be able to see them reproduce. Is this really a bad thing? These bugs can light anything ablaze! So he has Gerald make him a pressurized tank to keep some of the cockroaches in so he can study them. Why would Gerald want to do this? The bugs may or may not have killed Norma, his girlfriend!

We then see Carrie Parmiter, James’ wife, getting killed by a bug. How so? While the bug crawled up her back, into her hair (How did she not notice that?), and then set it ablaze! Now there is a hair disaster! Bad pun, don’t need to tell me. She then starts running all over the house, setting everything on fire, instead of putting her head in the sink and turn the water on. With that, she kills herself and destroys an entire house as well. Shame she didn’t bother to try to swat the bug out of her hair.

Such things would make a normal person want all the bugs dead, but not James! No, he is a scientist (A rather stupid one at that) and decides to continue on with his experiments after his wife’s death. He manages to find a surviving bug after the air pressure killed most of the insects and begins trying to breed it with a regular cockroach. This is a recipe for disaster and should easily result in a Darwin Award at some later point.

Later on, we see old Jamesy has gone coo-koo as his bug research has driven him mad. He manages to successfully breed the two bugs and they lay an egg. James puts the egg into a little tank for further study after it quadruples in size in less than 24 hours. The egg hatches at night and releases tons of mini fire cockroaches that can now survive in normal air pressure! Heck, they even grow into adult size in less than 5 hours!!! Want one more shock? These things are carnivores!

So to sum up, these two different types of cockroaches mated and made one egg. This egg then spawned around 20 hybrids that have both characteristics of both parents, such as being able to start fires. They can grow to adult size in 5 hours and they are even carnivores, which wasn’t part of either parent’s genetic code. Evolution is a funny and complicated thing, isn’t it?

As you can imagine, this just breeds trouble. A couple of bugs manage to escape the tank (That he didn’t lock or even latch the lock up despite knowing they eat meat) and attack him while sleeping. Instead of killing them all, he continues to let them do their thing inside of the tank. Eventually, more eggs are laid and the bugs start getting smarter. Heck, they start forming words, James name, and even form letters when he asks!

When James is out, Sylvia Ross, wife of Mark, goes to check up on him since he hasn’t been around for quite a while and she is worried about him ever since his wife died. She goes inside of his house and is immediately attacked by the cockroaches. One of them lands in her eye (Ew) and starts zapping/burning her. After of bit of randomly panicking and not trying to flick the bug out of her eye like any sane person, she drops dead out of the house.

James returns later that day and discovers the bugs have ditched him and finds the body of Sylvia. Horrified and realizing everything has gone too far, he tries to call 9-1-1 but discovers the phone cord chewed off. He then hears a buzzing outside and goes out, where it is night all of a sudden?! Time flies quickly around those parts.

He heads over to the crack in the ground (He was living at the now abandon Tacker farm) where the buzzing is and to his horror, rat sized flying cockroaches come out! So, we went from firebugs; to firebugs that are carnivorous and very intelligent; and finally to flying, intelligent, carnivore firebugs in just three generations! Evolution people!

The bugs start going after James and he barricades himself inside the house. There, the bugs cut the power (Why not I say!) and then smash their way through the glass in the windows! Damn! With flying bugs eating him and having set him on fire as well, he runs in a panic out of the house and accidently falls into the crevice with every single bug following after him. Then in the most bizarre then I ever seen, there is an explosion when he falls in and then crack closes up once the all the bugs are in, sealing them up for good. The movie credits then start a rolling out of nowhere, leaving me staring at the screen in disbelief.

The film is certainly an odd one. Considering the subject matter, about cockroaches that set things on fire, I’m sadly a little underwhelmed by it. Looking to back of the DVD case, it talks about the foot long cockroaches that are setting fires all over the town. They’re multiply and the death toll is going up so it’s up to James to find a way to eliminate the bugs before they spread all over the country. None of this really happens in the movie in the way the description tells us.

Instead, we have a bunch of cockroaches about the size of a middle finger that do set fires, but don’t multiply until James, our supposed savior, tries breeding them. As such, the story is a bit disappointing if you are going to be watching for that. It’s also a bit sad that the movie doesn’t give much focus on the bugs as well, since they are really an interesting foe for the characters to face. While we do see a bit of the first forms of the bugs, we really don’t see much action for the second form of the bugs (Maybe 2 scenes at best where they attack someone) and the third form where they can actually fly is barely on the screen for even 5 minutes.

The movie also suffers from a bad soundtrack that sounds like a lot of static and a synthesizer were smashed together. It doesn’t work much towards the mood in some genuinely creepy and unnerving scenes and can even take you out of the film. Acting is a mixed bag here as well, where people are able to perform to deliver their lines fine, but when it comes for people act dramatic or horrified, it’s really giggle worthy. Also, don’t even get me started on the science and evolution going on in this film.

Still, this film has a lot of things going for it as well. Like mentioned before, the cockroaches are pretty cool foes and are a unique type of threat that I haven’t seen with most killer insects. We got some good creepy scenes here that can add tension or really get you curious about what will happen next. The last act where James focuses on studying the new bugs he managed to breed is interesting as well; since we get to watch as the character slowly loses it and breaks down. It’s fascinating to watch as a once proud and intelligent man, if a little obsessed, slowly unravel after a big tragedy and tries to make the best of it by studying the enemy’s offspring.

The movie isn’t really all that great, but it is a confident little b-movie with some big names behind it that kept it from becoming horrible. I can’t say if it is a good adaption of the novel it was based off of, but the movie still works on its own. If you are into killer bug movies, it’s worth a watch or two.

Comic Book Review: Final Crisis #1

2010-07-28T09:32:00.008-05:00

Final Crisis #1

Not Rated

2 Slimes

THE CHARACTERS

Dan Turpin: A private detective on the hunt for missing metahuman kids. However, he seems to be in over his head when he discovers what really happened to the kids.

Uotan: A Monitor who was sentenced to living as a human after he neglected his duties on monitoring Earth-51. There seems to be something to him, but who knows what that is.

Libra: A villain who is after something, it isn’t very clear. He seems to take control of the Secret Society of Super-Villains after he kills Martian Manhunter. I’m not sure what is going on with him.

Martian Manhunter: One of the founding members of the Justice League and is promptly killed by Libra to make a point. Don’t have a clue how he got captured in the first place.

LESSONS LEARNED

+ People from the future gave cavemen the ability to make fire.

+ Villains make use of the video camera on cell phones more often than you think.

+ People’s eyes glow red when they become mindless slaves.

+ When trouble is coming, the sky will always turn red or black.

NOTABLE QUOTES

Dan Turpin: We take a good idea and we use it to kill ourselves.

Dark Side Boss: There was a war in heaven, Mister Turpin, and I won. Your future belongs to Dark Side now.
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THE PLOT
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Grant Morrison has written some of the most memorable comics around, whether they be good or bad, and he wrote a lot of stuff that really affected the DC Universe or its characters. There was one story, however, that really changed things up and it is called Final Crisis. The story also happens to be one of his weakest works as well by critics and fans alike. Having read the story, I would have to agree.

Though it is possible and it has been said too that the story may be better if read more than once. For that reason, I decided to reread the series and also review it as well to see if this is true or not. Will this story be a lot better than everyone says upon closer examination or will this story be as confusing and badly written like they all say. Let’s find as we dive into Final Crisis.

Note: There will be no Stuff to Watch For in this review series.

Our story begins in the past where we see a caveman running into a person named Metron. He is from the future and he gives this random guy the ability to make fire. The caveman then uses this ability to scare off of a bunch of raiders attacking his tribe or some random tribe. What does this have to do with Final Crisis? Got me, maybe it’ll be answered later.

He cut to the present where we see private detective, Dan Turpin, who is on the hunt for a bunch of kids that went missing one day. He is currently wandering around a shipyard (Don’t know why) and discovers Orion of the New Gods (Very important individual and son of Darksied) in a garbage pile. Orion says to him: “They did not die” before dying himself. With that, the god dies and the sky turns red. Always a bad sign in any story.

While the Green Lanterns (John Stewart and Hal Jordan) investigate Orion’s death, Dan continues his investigation into the missing kids, who turn out to be metahuman kids (Kids with superpowers in other words). He gets a lead from a superhero called The Question to go to a place called the Dark Side Club. There, he confronts Boss Dark Side about the missing kids and discovers the horrible truth. They’ve been turned into mindless, red eyed zombies! Okay, they’re just red eyed slaves, but still.

Elsewhere, a villain called Libra calls the Secret Society of Super-Villains for a meeting. He wants them to hand over the reigns of the society to him and in return, he’ll give them what they want and bring in the end of the superhero era. To prove a point and show his ability, he has his men bring in the Martian Manhunter and then strikes him down there. Don’t ask me how these guys were able to defeat the Martian in order to capture him. I’m not really sure how it was done either since this comic never addresses this issue.

In another existence elsewhere (We are just all over the map), we see the Multiverse Monitors (Hard to explain who and what they are. The best I can say is that they are the people who watch everyone in the multiverse and try to keep order to it) holding a trial for one of their own. This monitor is Uotan and he has been charged with neglecting his duties. His punishment is to live a human life and they make him disappear. Somewhere, Monitor Solomon says to himself that his plans will now be able to succeed! Yeah, I had to look this up to know who was saying that. This comic is not very good at introducing people.

Then we randomly cut back to the past… or is it the future, because we see Kamandi and the destroyed Statue of Liberty in the background. Kamandi tells the caveman from earlier (Called Anthro) who tells him that Metron gave him a weapon to use against the Gods and that he needs it. Then in the next panel, Anthro is back in the ancient past?! Man, I’m getting whiplash from trying to follow this and once again, I had to look this scene to understand what happened.

Issue #1 then comes to a close as we see Uotan wake up in his new human life. He has no memories of his past as well. On the TV in his room, we hear the news of Martian Manhunter’s death.

First things first, the summary of the story here so far is actually not presented in the way the comic tells it. A lot of the scenes I brought up happen at different points in the comic, like when Dan Turpin meets Dark Side Boss. That happens after the scene with the Secret Society of Super-Villains in reality. I separated the plot points so it would be easier to follow for all of you. That is sort of a problem though with the comic.

All of these scenes seem very disjointed and it makes the story hard to follow. Even if the scenes were easier to read and follow, the story still has problems. I can’t help but feel that a couple of scenes seem rather pointless overall, like the scenes with Anthro and a few others I didn’t bring up. Also, I had to look up a summary of the first issue in order to fully understand what everyone was talking about it or who people were. That’s not a good thing when I’m trying to read this comic.

Still, despite the confusion, I still like a lot of the things here. The artwork is very nice and is helping in setting the dark mood and nature of the events going on. The growing darkness and trouble heading everyone’s way is works well and should make you wonder what everyone’s fate will be by the end of it, especially with those kids who have been turned into mindless slaves.

Overall, this issue has some problems story wise that really hurt it. However, the events foreshadowed and brought up in the story do a good job at grabbing your attention and making you curious about the next issue. With that said, we will continue this review at a later point when we dive into Issue #2.

Movie Review: Red Water

2010-07-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

Red Water
Rated R
1 Slime
Copyright Sony Pictures Television 2003

THE CHARACTERS

John Sanders: Lou Diamond Philips! A former oil rig employee, now almost bankrupt fisherman who goes with Kelli to check out the oil rig to see what the problem is with it. He tries to be the hero many times when confronting the bad guys, but he most of the time gets his butt whipped.

Dr. Kelli Raymond: Kristy Swanson! An ex-wife of John who works for Discovery oil company who wants to make sure the oil drilling in the wildlife preserve goes right. Plays the damsel in distress a lot of the time and the movie sure likes to point out how big her breasts are.

Emery Brousard: John’s friend and partner in the fishing business. Despite his appearance, he seems to be a very spiritual guy and believes the shark to be the physical form of the spirit of the river or some crap like that.

Hank Ellis: The oil rig manager for Discovery and is only there to be shark food.

Gene Bradley: Works with Kelli at Discovery and he is next in line to run the oil rig company. He is very ill-tempered and that’s what gets him killed. Ice shoots him the leg and he bleeds out.

Ice: Coolio! Some cousin of some Caribbean dude who goes to Louisiana to get the money from Jerry after it is lost. He is short tempered and blows the villains’ cover easily. The shark bites his head off.

Jerry Collins: Some random guy who owes Ice’s cousin a lot of money after he lost it in the buoy. He is roasted and toasted when John shoots the gas container on his boat.

Brett van Ryan: A shark hunter who is hired by Ice’s cousin to retrieve the money from Jerry. He seems to have a code of ethics and prefers not to kill anyone. Ice and Jerry stab him and feed him to the shark.

Bull Shark: A shark that just randomly drifts into a river and starts feeding on people. It could also be the river spirit protecting the area from oil companies and random treasure hunters, but I doubt it. It is also pretty damn hungry since it eats about 8 or more people over a course of 3 days. It’s killed by having the oil drill go straight its mouth.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ It is standard bank policy that if you miss too many payments, they’ll take your boat.
+ A bull shark pulls on a line, it pulls!
+ It is perfectly alright to drill for oil in areas where there is an abundance of natural gas.
+ Staying still while there is a hungry bull shark in the water usually convinces them not to attack and eat you.
+ Handguns can still shot after being underwater for an hour or so.
+ Boat Engines make very big explosions.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – Hey! A scene from Piranha!
4 min – You idiot! You swim for shore, not towards the raft from Creepshow 2!
7 min – Hey, the movie is taking it up a notch!
9 min – Who are you people, what are you talking about, and why is this important?!
14 min – I’m guessing from the crappy music that he is in love?
22 min – I bet 20 bucks he’s wrong.
23 min – Since we are focusing on that gas container, I’m guessing it’ll be important.
26 min – Dead man walking.
33 min – Hmm, were those last scenes of any importance.
38 min – That bridge is way too close to the water…
45 min – Hooray!
46 min – Did it just cut to a commercial?
52 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN OIL RIG!
54 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RADIO!
59 min – Another commercial break?
66 min – That doesn’t explain the park employee.
81 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BOAT! Also, I so knew that gas container would be of use.
83 min – He just so happens to know how a crane works?
85 min – So the boat explodes twice apparently.
86 min – Death by irony!
89 min – It is awesome!!!
90 min – Stupid fool.
Closing Credits – What kind of killer shark music is this?

NOTABLE QUOTES
Gene Bradley: God... It's like a scene from Deliverance.
John Sanders: Relax Gene, no one is going to make you squeal like a pig.
Kelli Raymond: Why do you always have to yank his chain?
John Sanders: Because he makes it to damn easy.

John Sanders: STAY STILL!?
Emery Brousard: He won’t think you’re prey!
John Sanders: [Sees the shark coming] STAY STILL?!

THE PLOT

Shark movies, do they ever get old? Yes they do. Having seen many of them, I can safely say without a doubt that they do get very tiring and very old after so many sharks exploding or arms being torn off of a person. So, will this movie be any different? Well, it stars Lou Diamond Philips, Coolio, the principal from Saved by the Bell, and first aired on TBS; so the answer already seems very obvious to us before we even begin. Yet, let’s give it the benefit of the doubt and venture forth!

The film opens up at the Atchafalaya River in Louisiana where we see a company called Discovery drilling for oil in the middle of a national park. Where’s Captain Planet when you need him? So, as they are drilling, a shark pops out of nowhere. That was quick and speaking of which, a few moments, that shark attacks a bunch of people near possibly the old Piranha movie set. I haven’t seen a shark attack so early in a movie since the original Jaws so I’ll give the film a point for cutting the crap and getting straight to the point of why everyone watches shark movies.

After a woman gets killed in a later scene, we find our unlikely hero, John Sanders, who is having some money problems. Apparently, if he misses one more payment on something, a bank is going to take his boat from him. Also, we see some random Caribbean dude hiring out some shark hunter to find some guy named Jerry Collins who lost some his money in the swamps in Louisiana. He wants mister shark guy to find the money and take his cousin along, Ice. To save you the time, that scene was actually important because those characters will end up searching for the money in the swamp where the shark is hiding out in.

Then after a scene of grandfather getting killed in front of his grandson (Tasteful), John meets his ex-wife Dr. Kelli Raymond, who tells him from the seismic graphing or something that there is a lot of natural gas underneath the ground in area in the wildlife preserve where the oil drilling operation is. They apparently want John to help them do something about the oil drilling, but I’m not sure what. I can’t make sense of what they said. John decides to help her and her boss, Gene, after his fisherman buddy, Emery, talks him into it.

On another boat in the area, we see Jerry being harassed by Ice and some other dude called Brett (The shark hunter?) for the money. He says he doesn’t have it, but after some persuading, he’ll go look for it. To be honest, I’m not sure how these two plot points will come together.

The following day, our crew (John, Kelli, Emery, and Gene) head off to… I forget what they’re going to do. Regardless, Gene talks to Kelli below deck about his future plans for Discovery (His dad is the head of the company so he is next in line to run the joint) and how he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure the place succeed. He’s a goner. Also, the team gets permission to head up the river after it had been closed down due to the shark attacks.

Also, I must note that everything seems have been set into place now. The crew is heading into an area where no one will be, Gene had earlier lost his cell phone, there are those guys looking for the money in the area, and there is a shark on the loose. Everything has fallen into place like all other shark flicks.

After some pointless scenes, the characters hear about a legend a river spirit that protects the area and Emery reasons that the recent bull shark in the area could be the form the spirit takes. Please, we are already stretching the creditability of this movie with Coolio as an actor. Speaking of which, we see him and his crew searching for the lost money near the oil rig as our main characters arrive.

Somewhere else, the bull shark attacks a park employee who makes a big speech about kicking out the oil company and protecting the wildlife. You know, with this attack, we can easily throw out the river spirit possibility for the shark, since why would the river spirit kill someone who wants to protect the area from trouble?

The oil rig manager, Hank Ellis, tells the crew about how the oil rig can’t seem to pump out any oil, even though they are in the heart of vein. Kelli dives down to check and examine things, but ends up saving Brett after Jerry tries to kill him by putting a hole in his air tank. When Ice and Jerry head over to pick up Brett, Gene harasses them and orders the guys to leave. Of course, such levels of jackassness results in Gene getting shot in the leg by Ice.

The villains take over and make everybody (Including the oil rig crew) their captives. When they are about to kill them all, the alarm goes off on the rig, signaling that the pressure has gotten too high and it’ll explode. The bad guys let John, Hank, and the other members of the oil rig try to shut down the rig while they take off with the rest of the hostages. The rig blows up when the natural gas is released, killing the oil crew members, but John and Hank survive. With their deaths, John gets mad!

The rig is still somewhat okay condition despite the explosion, but they still need to shut off the valve so that no more of the gas comes out. Brett boards and captures the two men. They want them to shut off the valve for some reason, don’t know why, so Hank is forced to dive down into the water to shut it off. Of course, the shark appears from nowhere and gets him.

That night, the surviving heroes are held captive in the bow of John’s boat while the bad guys work on their next plan to get the money under the water while the shark is out there. Brett heads into the water armed with harpoons with dynamite attached to them. Well at least he knows the proper protocol for how to kill sharks. He lures the shark to him with his blood and shoots him a couple of times, but the dynamite never explodes, forcing him to retreat back to the boat. During this time, Gene dies from blood loss as well. Meh, I feel nothing.

John comes up with an escape plan, but it completely fails, wasting about 5 minutes of the movie. As such, the villains make Kelli and John swim for the money with Jerry going along with them to make sure they do their job. Like clockwork, the shark shows up and attacks John, dragging him off into the deeps somewhere, while Jerry finds the money. He takes Jerri and the money back to the boat.

Down below, John manages to escape since the shark had his air tank instead of him, but still gets bitten on the way out. Jerry and Ice kill Brett so they can split the money for themselves and plan on feeding Jerri and Emery to the shark, but John stops them. Jerri & Emery jump into the water as John shots the gas container on his boat, blowing it up and killing Jerry.

Okay, the boat doesn’t really blow up, just the top half, but it still knocks out Jerri. John heads abroad and rescues her as the engine explodes. This time the boat explodes for real! Meanwhile, Ice grabs the container with the money in it and makes an escape. However, the shark gets him quickly as you can imagine. One must wonder how many people a bull shark can eat in less than 72 hours, considering that every person it ate was a full grown adult.

In a very long scene, Emery activates the oil rig’s drill and uses it to drill straight through the shark when it tries to jump (?!?) at John. With the shark dead, John and Kelli kiss and John shows them the shark tooth that broke off when the shark bit him. John and Kelli pondered whether or not the reward for the shark (Earlier in the film, there was a $100,000 bounty on the shark) is still good. Emery suggests to them that spirit of the river should rest in peace and then John just throws the tooth into the river!

Okay sir that was a stupid decision on your part. That shark was not the spirit/guardian of the river, since it attacked people who were not trying to hurt the river or the wildlife at all. With the tooth gone, you can’t collect the money for the bounty and you can’t pay off your debts to the bank! Also John, you are not going to get paid for this job on checking out the oil rig since well, the rig is destroyed! You sir are a moron! The film closes with the sheriff showing up in a helicopter to check up on them.

That’s Red Water folks and to say the least, the film is completely unremarkable. There’s just nothing really special or bad about it that can separate itself from the rest of the shark flicks out there. The acting is boring or bad (See Coolio for that), the subplot about the gangsters and the money was boring, the main character was a wimp, the ending was terrible once you thought about it, and there were a couple of pointless scenes that really didn’t add anything to the film.

The biggest problem was the bull crap they use to explain the bull shark, saying it was some kind of guardian in physical form protecting the river. I went off about how the shark couldn’t be the spirit or whatever so I won’t explain it again. The film would be just fine if they just stuck with the idea that it was a bull shark that just accidently swam into the area and decided to stay.

I will say there are some good parts about this film that do make the film stand out a little. While the acting for everyone was pretty bad, Lou Diamond Phillips still gave a good performance given the material. The idea of using a shark that wasn’t a great white was cool as well. I will also give this film some more credit since the shark wasn’t completely CGI and they did use a mechanical shark for some scenes, so it wasn’t completely fake. Also, love that they killed the shark by using an oil drill. Points for creativity!

To sum up, the film is bad and bland, doing little to make it unique compare to rest of the shark films out there. There is just nothing to recommend here sadly despite a few alright things. Still, this movie isn’t completely horrible, which keeps it from failing.

Anime Show Review: Green Green Part 6

2010-06-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

Green Green Part 6: Episode 9 - 10
Rated 16 and Older
2 Slimes
Copyright Media Blasters 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Yuusuke Takasaki: The male lead for our ‘romantic comedy’ and one of the most down to earth guys at the school. Even though he shows neutral opinion towards Midori, he stills helps her out. After she kisses him, he remembers their past together.

Midori Chitose: She’ll be the leading female role in the series who is so sickly devoted and obsessed with Yuusuke that it is almost downright creepy. However, Yuusuke remembers their past together towards the end so maybe she’ll calm down now.

Futaba Kutsuki: A tomboy girl at the school who has a crush on Yuusuke considering how nice he is and how much normal he is in comparison with the rest of the boys in the school. Considering how episode 10 ended, she might not be so happy soon.

Reika Morimura: An agent of the future who is devoted to keep Yuusuke and Midori apart for whatever reason. She probably won’t be pretty happy considering what happens.

Sanae Minami & Wakaba Kutsuki: Sanae is a shy and sweet girl, who cannot seem to understand any form of flattery, which is pretty amusing. Wakaba is a girl who loves to carry around a cactus. Even after so many episodes, we still don’t know much about her.

Chigusa Lino: The school nurse, who seems to have a lot of authority if she can organize school events and make students do what she wants. She seems to want Midori to be with Yuusuke.

Tadatomo Ijuuin, Hikaru Ichiban-Boshi, and Taizo Tenjin: I will be referring to these guys as the pervert squad, since that best describes the 3 of them and their little posse. Happily, they aren’t focused on as much in these 2 episodes and some of their ‘funny’ moments are genuinely amusing for once.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ During battles in the past, people were completely purple.
+ Sending students into a dark forest to find an old shrine is part of a school’s curriculum.
+ Cacti will attack bad people if they get close.
+ Teachers can loudly pronounce everyone’s grades out loud.
+ School libraries are rarely ever used.
+ People puke out pink cotton candy.
+ Kissing awakens memories.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
(Time’s According to Green Green Complete Disc 3)
3 min – Ah, hooray?
7 min – That poor guy. I feel for him.
11 min – Whoa… the comedy… is actually… decent!!! Oh thank God!
15 min – Give it up. She is flatter proof.
20 min – Monkey rape!! Alright, what would you call it then?
24 min – Ugh. This is getting tiring.
27 min – Real men don’t end up in college if I am following this line of thought correctly.
30 min – How can this girl function in society if all she cares about is this one guy?
31 min – Why are you telling her this?! She doesn’t want you two together! Don’t inform her of something she can mess up!!
36 min – Well… at least he is studying.
40 min – Cat fight!
42 min – Okay, I chuckled at that. I’ll give them that.
45 min – HIS HEAD IS EXPLODING!!!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Tadatomo: That ugly and hairy silhouette can only be Tenjin!

Chigusa: Are you making any progress?
Yuusuke: Can’t you tell by looking at us?
Midori: Yes! I’m having the time of my life! [She then cuddles Yuusuke’s arm.]
Yuusuke: Get off of me! Dr. Chigusa, this nut job is not the least bit in studying!

THE PLOT

It’s that time again! We are once more going into the Green Green series. Last time we left off, we saw a recap episode where the girls sat in the baths and chatted about what has been going on. Thrilling. Maybe things can get more interesting, but I highly doubt it. Let’s continue with episode 9 and 10 now.

The episode begins with Nurse Chigusa telling the school about an old legend. There was once a huge battle in the area a long time ago and in memory of the fallen, there was a shrine built for them deep in the woods. Now, for a courage test, (It’s sort of like a game in Japan from what I can tell), the students partner up and head into the forest at night to find the shrine. In all honesty, I wish my high school did something like that. Would have been so fun!

The teams are two people, a boy and girl, picked randomly through a lottery of sort, while Reika volunteers to scare people in the forest. The partners are Yuusuke & Futaba, Taizo & Wakaba, Hikaru & Sanae, and Midori is with Tadatomo. Oh that could be a problem there with the last pair.

Midori ditches Tadatomo to find Yuusuke & Futaba, since she doesn’t trust them alone after Tadatomo explains what a test of courage is in his own words. Reika, meanwhile, is trying to work on getting Yuusuke and Futaba closer, so Midori doesn’t end up with him. The plan seems to be working well, despite her only using a slimy sponge.

After a spooky enough with a scared student, Yuusuke and Futaba end up at the shrine. There, they receive a token from a teacher that they need to bring back to Chigusa in order to win. Futaba actually asks to have a second one, even though they only need one. It seems to me that she got that one because she wants to remember the time they spent together in this test. Holy crap! Character development, plus a sweet and loving moment! Is this even the same series?! Oh sure, there was some inappropriate and eye rolling moments that I didn’t bring up, but… this seems so different for this show!

As the two walk home, Reika watches from a distance as she plans her next move to bring them even closer when Midori shows up. Reika is annoyed by this and blames her for not following the rules of the game (She is suppose to be one someone) and for making them end up in this century. She yells at her that she and Yuusuke will never be together and that is her destiny. Midori just calls this BS and runs after the two, while Reika is attacked by pervy monkeys. Okay, now this seems like the same show!

Yuusuke and Futaba arrive back the start of the game and notice all the people (Where were they during this game and how did they finish so quickly?!) who partnered up seem to be growing close to each other. Midori shows up and asks them about the tokens they are holding. When she realizes she needs one, she flips out and asks for Yuusuke’s, who gives it to her. Now Futaba has to give up hers (*Sad Ahh*) and then episode just ends there. Well we do see what happened with the rest of the students, but episode still ends pretty abruptly. Oh well, the episode was at least much better than usual.

Episode 10 begins with everyone failing their math test (Besides Reika who got a perfect score) and now they all have to shape up in order to be able to stand a chance at the finals coming up. Pretty scary how this reminds me of my school experience right there. The teacher then questions Midori about her test and frankly, he should. I never heard of a student who put down I don’t know and go off about a boy she has a crush on for a math problem, let alone an entire test. She needs to get her priorities straight. Chigusa comes in and suggests that Yuusuke tutors her in math so that she doesn’t flunk.

There are 2 major problems with that idea, despite the fact that she might focus a bit more. First, she is batsh*t in love with this guy and mostly like not even pay a single amount of attention to what he is trying to teach her. Second and most importantly, he flunked that last math test so in reality, Reika should be tutoring her if anyone should. Then again, I am not an employee of a school so what do I know?

Yuusuke agrees to help her and they work together in the library. However, major problem 1 that I brought up becomes a reality right off the bat, with her not taking a single thing seriously. Instead, she just gushes over him, which only pisses him off. He wants to quit, but Chigusa then comes up with another plan. She tells Midori that if she scores higher than average in the midterms, she make Yuusuke give her whatever her heart desires. Ah, I’m not sure a teacher can force a student to do that. Well, the plan works and Midori gets cracking.

Reika gets wind of this from Midori (Why the hell is she telling her this since she clearly knows Reika doesn’t want them together?) and laughs at her. She flat out says she’ll fail hugely because she never takes any of the classes seriously. Midori says she will score higher than average and will end up getting something from Yuusuke. However, this statement said out loud turns into a large rumor where everyone thinks that if they score high enough, they’ll get something from the person they love and eventually the rumor turns into they’ll get to do anything they want to the person they love. This rumor actually gets people studying! Well whatever motivates a student study I suppose.

Me personally? I wouldn’t believe that rumor if it was going around. It is stupid to be real, plus it would make no sense for teachers to allow that in a CATHOLIC high school.

The rumor actually does peak Futaba’s curiosity and she begins to cram hard, though she doesn’t believe in every part of it. However, things get a little complicated for her when she has help Midori out with some of her math. Hey why wouldn’t it? It’s obvious that Futaba has the hots for Yuusuke, just not as extreme as Midori, so studying with her oblivious rival would be hard for anyone.

Things quickly move to a boiling point between them pretty soon when Midori questions Futaba about her constant glancing at Yuusuke during class. Futaba blows a gasket when Midori accuses her of him liking him, but the dust settles soon enough when Midori explains why it is stupid to hide ones feelings. Oh burn! Futaba then settles down and agrees to continue helping her.

The tests arrive and everyone goes to see the results posted up on the bulletin boards. Unfortunately, Midori does not end up with a better than average score by 2 points, bringing her to tears. However, Yuusuke, who is very impress that she managed to do so well, will still give it what she wants. She immediately hugs him happily and he comments to himself that this seems familiar for some reason. Hmm…

After a spider spooks him, causing them to fall to the ground together (It happens), they end up kissing. Then suddenly, his forehead explodes with four light beams coming out of it! WTF? Then after a mind screw, Yuusuke… remembers everything and embraces her happily, bring a close to this episode.

Ladies and gentlemen, I… don’t believe it! The show… its actually improved! This is so shocking after 8 average, mediocre, or terrible episodes, the show has gotten better. The story stopped dragging its feet and focused on character development, bringing Midori and Yuusuke together, and improving the humor. The animation didn’t look as bad as usual and the voice acting has really come through for once. Futaba, Sanae, Yuusuke, Chigusa, and even Hikaru sound pretty good now compared to the beginning.

However, I must admit, we still got problems here. Other people’s voices are still not that good or just bad, with Midori’s still being annoying as ever, which is a real problem since she is the female lead in the show. The music again, is not that memorable outside of the great opening and nice ending. However, the biggest problem here is Midori in general with her suffering a huge case of flanderization. This is where the action or trait of a character is taken and exaggerated it to huge proportions where it consumes the rest of the person’s personality. Before, she seemed very devoted to Yuusuke a lot, but it never seemed to affect her too much during other things, but now she seems like she cannot operation or function without thinking or looking at him every second. This is almost as bad as the girl from that teen romance novel everyone is always going on about.

But to be fair, these two episodes were pretty good story wise with less of a focus on the pervert squad and the things they do that affect everyone and instead making the story progress. You know; the important stuff. If this trend of improvement can continue into the final 3 episodes, the show may finally be acceptable, but that is if it can improve. We’ll continue on later with part 7 of this review.

Movie Review: Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

2010-06-14T10:57:00.003-05:00

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

Unrated

1 Slime

THE CHARACTERS

Emma MacNeil: Debbie Gibson! A marine biologist who comes up with stupid ideas after having sex or has brilliant ideas after having nightmares. Comes up with the brilliant plan of trying to capture the beasts alive in the San Francisco Bay and Tokyo Bay area, no doubt costing tons of people’s deaths.

Allan Baxter: Lorenzo Lamas! An arrogant, thin looking Steven Segal army commander, who is a huge jackass and a bit of a racist. Does rash things and causes lots of people’s deaths. Unlike what happens to these type of people in movies, he does not die.

Seiji Shimada: A Japanese scientist who is investigating the recent sea creature attacks. He falls in love with Emma and they do it in a supply closet. I hope they cleaned up after themselves.

Lamar Sanders: A former marine who was Emma’s college professor who looks and sounds a lot like Sean Connery for some reason. He is quite an accomplished submarine pilot.

Mega Shark: An ancient Megalodon who awakens after the glacier he is trapped in breaks. He goes on a rampage, destroying battleships and airplanes. He and octopus fight each other to the death back where they were frozen.

Giant Octopus: A huge octopus that wakes up after being frozen in a glacier. He doesn’t get a lot of the screen time in compared with the shark for some reason. He and the shark fight each other to the death back where they were frozen.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Sonar experiments and whales do not mix.
+ Mega shark teeth are surprisingly small.
+ Blood looks like red Kool-Aid.
+ Pheromones are green.
+ A 50 ton shark can leap into the air over 500m.
+ Sex equals scientific plans.
+ Sharks and octopi look the same on thermal radars.

+ Giant creatures can be frozen during mid-combat.

+ Some people are not ment to be submarine pilots.

+ Octopi can growl.
+ A shark’s diet includes octopus, battleships, bridges, and the occasional airliner.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
3 min – So many sharks and yet none of them mega sized enough for this film.
4 min – That’s a pretty fake looking computer panel for a submarine.
9 min – Oh my god! Bad CGI tentacles! THE HORROR!
15 min – I would suspect the tooth would be bigger for a mega shark.
18 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A COMMERCIAL AIRLINER!
27 min – Guys: Gees, can’t you tell from the vague image?
33 min – Translation: You guys failed big time so now you are desperate for anything type of help.
35 min – I’m going to have to agree with the racist on this. Kill these monsters!!!
44 min – You people are idiots. That is the shape of frickin’ octopus!!
45 min – *Laughs* Even though his plane exploded, he is still screaming no.
53 min – Wait a minute that is the same set for the battleship that was destroyed earlier!
55 min – The amount of traffic on the bridge changed between scenes!
68 min – They’re reusing the same CGI footage. Why am I not surprised?
71 min – For a Japanese crew, they don’t speak much Japanese.
79 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SUBMARINE!
88 min – Huh, I was hoping for a long fight.

NOTABLE QUOTES

Lamar Sanders: Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn't you be a little horny?

Allan Baxter: Listen, screw these environmentalists. When I give the order shoot to kill!

Allan Baxter: This is unacceptable. I want that commander on report.
US Sub Captain: That commander just saved your ass.
Allan Baxter: Should have done so in a more timely manner.

THE PLOT

Admit it. The title alone caught your attention didn’t it? I’ll admit it did for me and that’s basically why I own a copy of the movie alone. However, as awesome and cheesy as this title is, do you think this film could be any good? Well I have a bad feeling about this, especially since there is only one sentence describing the movie on the back of the DVD.

After the opening credits, we are ourselves at the Chukchi Sea, off the coast of Alaska, where we find Emma MacNeil studying humpback whales in a submarine. However, above the surface, a helicopter drops in an experimental sonar transmitter to the water to test it out. Like all scientific tests and experiments done by the U.S. in films, it all goes horribly wrong. The sonar causes the whales to go kooky and they start ramming a glacier wall. For some odd reason then, the helicopter crashes into the glacier as well. Why? I have no clue, but it causes big trouble none the less.

The combined ramming and explosion on the glacier frees to large very large monsters, aka the mega shark and giant octopus. Like any freed monsters, they start going on a rampage! After a disjointed attack on an oil rig near Japan, Emma is called to investigate a sudden appearance of a dead whale on a beach in California. After examining the wounds on it, Emma concludes that whatever killed the whale was organic. I’m guessing the shark since it seems pretty obvious between the two monsters.

Her boss, on the other hand, refuses to listen to her since that sub took to study the whales was damaged and she wasn’t allowed to have the sub in the first place. Then why call her out there in the first place? Though, she does manage to collect a shark tooth (Pretty small for the size of the shark). Somewhere else, a rig worker is being integrated by Dr. Seiji Shimada about the oil rig disaster. Apparently, the Japanese are trying to keep it quiet, though it beats the hell out of me why they want to keep it quiet.

Above the Pacific, the mega shark makes it appearance by taking out a commercial airline right out of the sky. As cool as that is, it baffles me a bit. Considering how large the shark is and how high the jump it would have to make; is it possible for Jaws here to leap out of the water that high? There’s a fun science problem to figure out.

After being canned from her job, Emma goes to her old college professor named Lamar Sanders to show him the shark tooth she got. He does some examination of it and concludes that the tooth is from a Megalodon. Seiji then comes to visit the two of them, asking for their help on what attacked the oil rig. They present their findings to him, but he says that the oil rig damage wouldn’t match up with what a Megalodon would do to it. They then review a video tape from the sub Emma was on early and discover both the mega shark and giant octopus on it.

Back out at sea, a U.S. destroyer trying to take out the mega shark using their cannons and guns. Really stupid, considering the only thing above the water is the dorsal fin and they are using their deck guns. Since it is so obvious, the shark destroys the destroyer. Okay, we never see it, but considering the special effects, it is probably best we didn’t see it because it would have been a laugh riot.

The military officials then kidnap the three and bring them to Allan Baxter, a racist government official who wants their help in destroying the beasts. However, the three scientists here want to contain the beasts and do not want them destroyed. ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MINDS?! Haven’t you ever watched a monster movie or have you even noticed the tragedies these things cost? Hundreds of people are dead, more will follow, it will be extremely hard to capture and contain them, just how much will it cost to feed them, and how many ecological systems will have to destroy to sustain them! ARGH!

Of course, Allan agrees to it (You moron) and the scientists work on a way to lure the monsters and keep them contained in their respective areas they plan on using (Aka San Francisco Bay and Tokyo Bay). Also, Emma and Seiji hump in a broom closet. First, eww… Second, we have more important things to worry about. Third, just why?

Anyways, the scientists come up with a plan to lure each of the monsters into an area using pheromones. Seiji goes to Japan to capture the octopus, while Lamar and Emma work on getting the shark. The two scientists lure in the mega shark, but Allan decides to screw them and has a ship open fire on the shark as it is coming into the bay. The ship does that using the deck guns (Again with the deck guns!), but of course, that does not work at all and shark eats the ship. It also takes a big old bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge and the shark swims off.

Allan contacts Seiji in Tokyo and finds out they only made the octopus angrier when they tried to capture it. So with the two monsters gone, it’s time to play the blame game! Emma and Lamar blame Allan for messing up and causing so much destruction, but I just have to scream at the screen at that notion. While he may have made the shark angrier, it wasn’t his bright idea to bring the frickin’ monsters into areas with people are living! I want to punch these scientists.

Allan then suggests that they use nukes to blow up the monsters since no weapon (Alright, just deck guns on a battleship) seem to do any damage. Of course, the scientists oppose the plan since it would cause damage to the underwater ecosystems, hundreds of people dead, and tsunamis. You know, sort of like what of happen if their own plan worked to lure the monsters and keep them trapped in the bays. Ugh, I'm watching a movie full of idiots!

So the scientists come up with a plan that actually sounds pretty good. They plan on using the pheromones to lure the two beasts together so that they can fight each other to the death. Since they were frozen in mid-combat when they were first found seems to mean that there is a likely chance that they’ll fight each other once they run back into each other. They get into submarines and lure the monsters towards the North Pacific Ocean, back to where they were first unfrozen.

The American sub with Allan, Emma, and Lamar get the shark and octopus’ attention and lure them into a fight. The two beasts duke it out, but end getting separated during the fight. The shark then attacks the American sub, biting it in two, though our team makes it off the sub in time. The team are about to be eaten, but the Japanese sub with Seiji show up to distract the shark and then octopus pops up out of nowhere and attacks them! Where did he go?

After finishing with the sub, the octopus goes after the shark and they once again start fighting each other. In a very confusing and hard to follow fight scene, the two colossal sea beasts die and sink to the bottom of the sea. How they die? I have no idea. The film ends then with the Japanese sub reporting in that they are still alive and the scientists heading to the North Sea to check out some of strange organic life there. Maybe they’ll find Ultra Whale and Super Squid there frozen in ice as well.

Looking at the description on the back of the DVD, it says: “The California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creatures as they battle each other for supremacy of the sea.” Like Kong Island, that is a load of crap. Only the shark visits the California coast and the two monsters only really fight each other at the very end of the film, but only as bitter enemies and not for rule of the sea. Stupid DVD description.

The film has a bunch of problems that really boggle it down. For one, the acting is average at best. Some performances are alright, while the rest are unremarkable. Most of the main characters are unlikeable, which includes the shark and octopus as well, and almost every character in the movie, main or one shot, do a lot of idiotic decisions that makes me wish that I could slap them. The effects are pretty bad, even by CGI standards, with reuse of the same scenes over and over. The major nail though is the amount of screen time the shark and octopus get. Including the reuse of old scenes, the film doesn’t even give the title monsters 10 minutes of appearing in the film.

Despite some the failings, there are still redeeming qualities to this film. First of all, the soundtrack was pretty good. Nothing you haven’t heard before, but it is still fine. A bunch of scenes are so bad that they are good, like the part where the shark jumps and takes down a plane. The CGI octopus was pretty decent and didn’t really look fake when it moved, unlike the shark. Also, the story was alright and the premise in general sounds like it fun time for people who like cheesy stuff.

The film has many problems, but not enough to completely fail it. However, this is a hard sell, even to fans of bad shark or monster films or b-movies in general. If you have to watch it, it won’t hurt you, but if you have a choice to avoid it, then do so. Not really worth the time overall.

Movie Review: Osamu Tezuka's Metropolis

2010-04-11T10:30:00.004-05:00

Osamu Tezuka’s Metropolis
Rated PG-13
4 Slimes
Copyright TriStar Pictures 2002

THE CHARACTERS

Kenichi: The nephew of Shunsaku, who comes to Metropolis with him on a job. He becomes friends with Tima, which gives her human emotions. When she dies, he stays behind in Metropolis to put her back together.

Tima: A robot with human emotions that was made by Dr. Laughton, so that she could control the ziggurat. She is modeled after Duke Red’s deceased daughter and does not know she is a robot. She goes insane towards the end of the film and dies because of it.

Shunsaku Ban: A private detective who came to Metropolis in order to arrest Dr. Laughton. He spends a lot of his time searching for Kenichi during the film and uncovering the secrets behind Duke Red’s ziggurat and Tima. He returns to Japan after the film ends.

Pero: A robot who is assigned to help Kenichi and Shunsaku track down Laughton. He is killed during the revolution by Atlas.

Atlas: A leader of a revolution group who wants to equality and wants robots to suffer for taking all of the jobs him and his followers had. He is killed during the revolution.

Dr. Laughton: A mad scientist that Shunsaku and Kenichi are searching for to arrest. He is in Metropolis to build Tima for Duke Red. Rock kills him.

President Boone and Acetylene Lamp: (Lamp is Steve Blum!) The president of Metropolis who has no power as long as Duke Red is in charge and Lamp is his assistant. They are in favor of a revolution to overthrow Red, but are killed by a spy general.

Rock: In charge of security for Metropolis and Duke Red’s sort of adopted son. He is extremely jealous of Tima and believes she will replace him in Duke’s heart. I highly doubt that he was even in his heart to begin with. He destroys the ziggurat with him inside.

Duke Red: The ruler of Metropolis and the adopted father of sorts to Rock. He wants to rule the world by using Tima to control the ziggurat’s power, which can be used to gain his goal. Unfortantely, things don’t go right when Tima realizes she is a robot and is just being used. He dies when the whole ziggurat starts blowing up.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Robots need to be taught the basics of grammar and language.
+ When there is a sun spot, stay away from the robots.
+ People aren’t really as suspicious as they should in the future.
+ People can shoot far away targets easily, but have very terrible time shooting at close targets.
+ Robots can track people through electric currents.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
10 min – So pretty!
12 min – This is what Coruscant looked like in the early years.
23 min – Seems very complicated.
33 min – Whoa.
36 min – Yes, thousands of dollars worth of damage and people traumatize, but it was a success!
43 min – So the workers aren’t suspicious about why 2 kids are around there?
47 min – Man, normally he has great aim.
52 min – Awww!
59 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST LOTS OF WINDOWS!
60 min – Got to love the fact that there aren’t any bullet holes.
74 min – Creepy.
78 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
82 min – Looks like you built the place out of legos.
87 min – SEE! Robots have feelings too!
92 min – This can’t end well for one of them.
94 min – This won’t end well for them period.
95 min – What the hell…
96 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ENTIRE SKYSCRAPER!
99 min – Give me a moment… I need to cry a bit…
103 min – So here’s hoping to future!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Opening Quote: Every epoch dreams its successor – Jules Michelet

Tima: Who am I?

Duke Red: At this moment we as a nation are about to touch the stars! I tremble at the honor of announcing the culmination of mankind's history of intellectual and scientific achievement. Yesterday our power spanned the Earth; today it can illuminate the heavens! May it stand forever! Our Ziggurat!

THE PLOT

A long time ago, the silent film Metropolis was released in 1927 and it was amazing. Then many years later, the Godfather of manga in Japan named Osamu Tezuka decided to make a manga off it. Ok, just the movie poster, but still. Now, decades later after that, an anime movie adaption of the manga has been released. It also incorporates elements from the silent film as well! How did this movie turn out? Let's look!

Our feature presentation begins as we open to the city of Metropolis during a party in celebration of the creation of the ziggurat, a brand new skyscraper. It seems to be a big deal and there are some rumors about it being something for the military. However, Duke Red, the leader of Metropolis, says that there isn’t anything to worry about it (*coughliarcough*). Also, there is Rock, his sort of adopted father, who is in charge of taking out any rebelling robots that are in the city, such as one that disrupts the ceremony of the ziggurat.

We then meet Private Detective Shunsaku Ban and his nephew, Kenichi, who have come to Metropolis from Japan in order to arrest Dr. Laughton, a vicious and mad scientist type who is into trafficking human organs. The 2 of them get a robot, who they named Pero, from the police to help in their investigation as well. Pero takes them to Zone 1 (Metropolis divided into different areas), a lower level of the city, where Laughton is likely to be.

Meanwhile, Duke Red meets with Dr. Laughton, who is currently building a female robot named Tima for him. The purpose of Tima is to have someone rule over the ziggurat. When Red leaves, Rock arrives and shots Laughton, angry that he created something that would replace him in Duke Red’s heart. Sir, Duke Red clearly doesn’t like you that much from previous scenes so why bother? Rock also burns the place down to make sure everything is lost.

Shunsaku, Kenichi, and Pero arrive on the scene and find the place burning. They run inside and split up. Kenichi runs into Tima, but the floor collapses and they fall into an even deeper part of the city. Shunsaku reaches Laughton who dies, but allows managed to get a strange notebook. After the fire, Rock realizes that there are no remains of Tima like he thought there would be, so he starts searching around to make sure she is gone.

Kenichi and Tima end up in Zone 3, which is the sewer treatment area. He tries teaching her some basic language skills, since she basically has none, to little avail. Neither one of them know that Tima is a robot by the way (That'll come back to play later on). Up on the surface, we see that ziggurat is actually a sunspot… creator machine. I don’t understand the purpose of the machine; since it causes all robots to go haywire, but it is suppose to give Duke Red the power of the gods! Whatever that means. This little incident gets him some hate from President Boone and Acetylene Lamp, who think this would be a good time to try to overthrow Red and regain the true control of the city.

Shunsaku and Pero start looking around for Kenichi now that he is missing and they also trail Rock, who they think was involved in the murder of Laughton. Rock heads into Zone 3 and spots Kenichi with Tima. He tries shooting them to get rid of Tima and to silence Kenichi, but they make a break for it for Zone 1 with him following. After a long chase, they take refuge with Atlas, who leads a rebel group of unemployed labors, who were fired because robots took their jobs. This won't end well if they find out what Tima is.

Atlas explains that to the 2, since he thinks they are newspaper reporters, that his group are going to start a revolution soon since everyone is living in poverty and gets nothing from the higher levels of Metropolis. Also helping the rebels are Boone and Lamp. Kenichi hangs around with the group for now and discovers that Tima can fully say words and can now spell words; especially his own! Awww.

The following day, Atlas and his group begin their revolution. Shunsaku and Pero get caught in the middle of this, with Pero getting destroyed and Shunsaku having to go get help from the police. Meanwhile, Boone and Lamp are killed by a military general, who seemed to be working for them, but was an actual spy for Duke Red. Because of no military backing now like they hoped; the rebels are crushed, Atlas is killed, and Red imposes martial law.

Kenichi and Tima reach the surface to see the chaos of what has happened and manage to meet up with Shunsaku. Rock, who pops out of nowhere, catches up to them and shoots Shunsaku. Duke Red arrives on the scene and is shocked to discover that Tima is still alive. He also strips Rock of all his authority for destroying the lab & killing Dr. Laughton. Tima is taken to the ziggurat, while Kenichi is taken away by the Marduks, which are sort of like a special police force of the city, for... unexplained reasons.

Days later, Rock kidnaps and deactivates Tima, hoping that he can still gain his ‘dad’s’ love if he gets rid of the competition. However, Shunsaku runs into him and steals Tima away from him, while knocking him out. He activates her, due to the notebook he got from Laughton, and has her help him save Kenichi, who is now being held at the ziggurat. However, they are both captured on their way there. Shunsaku confronts Duke Red, who is again on the scene (Guess he likes being in the middle of the action), and determines he probably instigated Dr. Laughton’s murder. Since he knew his son was jealous, he figured he could have him kill Laughton and leave no trace behind to Tima. That's actually kind of clever.

Duke Red takes Tima to the ziggurat, so he can have her rule over it and when he passes on, have her rule the world. When she asks him if she is a human or robot, he tells her that she is superhuman and she made to be better than all other humans and robots. She is confused (Who wouldn’t be!), because if she is a robot, why does she have feelings? Red says to forget that and to take the throne of the ziggurat. Shunsaku, who is also there along with Kenichi (He's free now), tells her that once she takes the throne, she’ll lose all her memories and emotions, becoming more of a supercomputer that is made to conquer the world.

Duke Red is furious that he found out, but he is also surprised when Rock sneaks in and confronts them all. He shoots Tima, believing she has no right on the throne and that it should belong to Red, but is also gunned down by the guards too. The bullet doesn’t do any damage to Tima, but it reveals her robot skeleton underneath her fake skin. In horror of discovery who she really is, she starts crying! See, like Johnny 5 and Wall-E, robots can feel things too you know!

However, the shot also messes with her circuits and causes her to go insane. She takes over the throne and combines with the ziggurat, takes control all of its weapons, and even puts the robots in the city under her control. She wants to exact revenge on humanity for all its cruel treatments of robots and her being misused herself. I’m getting a Terminator feeling all of a sudden. Everyone takes off in terror, including Rock who survived being shot! Thank God for bullet proof vests or something. Kenichi, however, stays behind and heads after Tima to convince her to stop, as she descends into the lower regions of the ziggurat.

Kenichi drags her off the throne as the main computer starts to completely attach her, tearing away all of her skin on the right side of her body from the head to her foot. Nightmare fuel right there folks! Even though she is off the throne, she is still off her rocker and starts to attack Kenichi. Meanwhile; Red Duke, his guards, and his scientists have a little encounter with all of those robots that Tima had turned against humans. Guess what happens now?

Rock sets off the self destruction of the ziggurat, which starts bringing the whole place down. All of this destruction and choas is also being set to the song I Can’t Stop Loving You by Ray Charles. Now that is just surreal! During the collapse, Tima tries to kill Kenichi, but she ends up nearly falling off on the grinders in the building and is clinging to a wire. Kenichi tries to pull her up and as he does, she finds comes out of her insanity and remembers him. She asks him, “Who am I?” and then falls to the world below. I'll... need a moment...

The ziggurat explodes and city of Metropolis is left in ruins, though the citizens are still alive. The following morning, Kenichi searches the ruins and discovers that a group of robots have recovered most of the parts of Tima. He meets up with Shunsaku and tells him he is going to stay here and look for more of Tima’s parts. With that, the credits roll and we are treated to one final thing. We see a picture of a shop called Kenichi and Tima’s Robot Company with Tima in the picture! He put her back together! Hooray!

Now with that said, how was the movie? Sadly and yet again, I have not seen the original Metropolis or read Osmau Tezuka’s own comic so I can’t do an analysis to see how faithful this movie was to the original source material. As such, I will the judge movie on its own merits.

Starting with the negatives, the cartoony look of the characters will bug some people. I have read that the animation was enough to drive them away from the movie (Kind of a stupid reason) and never even got to the good parts of the film. The characters aren’t given much of a background to them, so we don’t end up knowing too much about which is sort of sad. Also, some scenes don’t seem very important or could have been skipped over, like the revolution part.

However, these problems can’t hurt the film that much. The voice acting is pretty strong with a solid cast, though it doesn’t have many recognizable people unlike a Studio Ghibli dub. The animation is incredible, with impressive details of the city to great combination of CGI for some scenes. The story is pretty good and the climax just really gets you pumped. The soundtrack is incredible with its cool use of jazz and strange use of music. The song that plays over the destruction of the city is pretty weird, but fascinating and makes the tearjerker moment even sadder.

This is a strong and amazing movie that some people haven’t heard of or refuse to watch because of the animation. It’s sad that they are missing out on one of the most entertaining anime movies around. Is it the best anime movie? No, there are still more out there that can be considered better. However, it is one that must be seen for just how incredible it can be.

Anime Show Review: Green Green Part 5

2010-04-10T20:19:00.002-05:00

Green Green Part 5: Episode 7-8
Rated 16 and Order
1 ½ Slimes
Copyright Media Blasters 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Yuusuke Takasaki: Our main hero who is constantly being hound by Midori. Unknown to him, he seems to be gathering a lot of fan girls.

Midori Chitose: The female protagonist who is head over heels in love with Yuusuke. She seems to consider her a love guru a bit, even though her advice is completely useless and bad.

Tadatomo Ijuuin, Hikaru Ichiban-Boshi, and Taizo Tenjin: I will be referring to these guys as the pervert squad, since that best describes the 3 of them and their little posse. Hikaru seems a bit normal then the rest, but is completely misguided by bad advice from a book and his two friends.

Futaba Kutsuki: A tomboy who doesn’t like the boys at the school, except for Yuusuke. She is slowly falling in love with him.

Reika Morimura: She is Midori’s roommate and possibly friend/antagonist to Midori? It’s not made clear, but she wants to make sure that Midori and Yuusuke never come together. Hmm… she may be from the future.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ To practice getting a girl at a pool, use a brush!
+ Plan B may not be the best way if Plan A fails.
+ If words fail, use physical contact as the next step to get a woman’s attention.
+ Nurses can be very cruel.
+ Steam is often conveniently placed over certain areas.
+ Cactus like milk.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
(Time’s According to Green Green Complete Disc 2)
50 min – You know, I am curious. Why the heck would it be a forbidden love anyhow?
51 min – She’s talking to a cactus! I think the heat is getting to her.
55 min – This is not how to win someone over.
59 min – Because that worked so well before didn’t it?
62 min – That isn’t what she meant at all.
63 min – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
66 min – My thoughts exactly.
68 min – Technically they are.
74 min – I sense we are pausing on this for more than one reason.
81 min – I guess give the guys what they want.
82 min – Even the girls are perverts!
86 min – I didn’t think there was a song for singing about scrubbing yourselves.
88 min – Yes that is a pretty legitimate question. What the hell are they doing!?
92 min – Is this for people with a milk fetish?

THE PLOT

It’s that time again! It’s time to venture forth into the anime weirdness that is the Green Green show. After the lasting outing, we have finally ventured back into average territory instead being on a downward spiral into horridness. Will episodes 7 and 8 be any better or will the show start to drop again? Let’s find out as Part 5 of the review begins!

After the usual stick with the opening monologues and kick ass opening song, episode 7 begins will a class during their P.E. period. Today’s workout is swimming! Midori is constantly hassling Yuusuke while he does some laps, while Futaba watches the two of them from the side. She’s lost in thought and even attempts Hikaru to get her attention don’t seem to faze her as much as usual, which disheartens him.

Later that day after an extremely embarrassing humiliation, Hikaru is really out of it and is crying because he can’t get Futaba to return his feelings. Well maybe if you weren’t such a pervert and didn’t hang out with such a questionable crowd… nah still wouldn’t work. Midori then offers to teach him about to make a girl actually like him, including the other 2 perverts. Oh this isn’t going to work.

Midori’s first lesson is that they should constantly tell the one they love how much they love them over and over again so that the news sinks in enough. Right, because that isn’t creepy at all. He expresses his feelings to her over the school’s intercom and even sings a song, but she just beats him up. I can’t blame since his singing is an insult to music all over.

Since it is a bust, Midori’s next tip is try engaging in physical contact (Not of the sex kind mind you!) if words fail. Tadatomo tries this with the school’s nurse, Chigusa, but that only gets a shot in the ass with a big needle. Midori’s next advice is to give the one they love a present. Taizo tries making rice balls, but they can’t even pass a taste test with the group.

Midori then thinks seems hopeless for these guys, which echoes my thought exactly. She suggests try walking a girl’s shoes (As in, think like a girl and understand what they might want out of a guy), but they so get the wrong idea. They instead try dressing up and becoming girls (Queasy feelings returning). Well, this brings a whole new level of uncomfortable.

Hikaru suddenly gets the courage then to attempt to get Futaba attention, while looking like an uglier version of a drag queen in a nurse’s costume. Of course, she ties him up and begins to kick the crap out of him, but before she can crack his skull open; Yuusuke steps in to protect him while being his own drag (The guys forced dressed him earlier). Damn and it was getting good there for a second!

Yuusuke pleas with to her to understand (Although that is pretty hard to do) and not to beat him up. His pleading and humble statements get through to her and she walks off to ponder things more. Unknown to Yuusuke is that her heart is pounding fast! Could this mean something? We’ll see! The episode ends there, so let’s move onto episode 8!

The episode begins with Reika giving a report about Midori and all her dealings with Yuusuke. She also notes that Futaba is slowly growing more attracted to him. Who is she giving the report to? I have no idea, but from what I can tell, the person has a very deep interest in keeping Midori away from Yuusuke for some reason and hopes that he doesn’t regain his memories of her. Alright! We got some story development here for once!

Reika returns to reality (apparently she was in some sort of out of body experience when giving the report) and finds herself in the hot spring baths with the rest of the female characters. They all talk about the school and what they think of the place so far. Unknown to them is that the pervert squad is in the area, but camouflage. Luckily, they only camouflaged their back, so they can’t see anything.

The girls continue to talk and can’t seem to find any positive things about the school, but Midori then brings up Yuusuke. This sparks some interesting reactions and flashbacks from the girls, especially Futaba and Sanae. Of course Midori is completely unaware of their reactions. Strangely enough, the episode ends there. Apparently, that whole episode was just a recap.

Well it’s really hard to comment on these two episodes really. We didn’t have much in the way of anything happening. Alright, we did have character development for Futaba and even Hikaru. We even added more to the main story with Reika’s mysterious actions. That was pretty much it though sadly.

The voice acting hasn’t really improved at all, the music is still bland, and the recap episode didn’t add much to the story except for some more information on Reika and Midori. Since there wasn’t much advancement, I’m going to have to say that these episodes were a letdown compared to the previous ones. Oh well, we still have 5 more to go, so maybe we’ll get some improvements as we approach the third act.

Movie Review: Case Closed: The Fourteenth Target

2010-04-01T12:53:00.000-05:00

*Spoilers Warning* This is a movie review on a mystery movie. So, if you haven’t seen the movie before and are curious about solving it yourself, please refrain from reading it. Take you for understanding and to those who want to continue, please enjoy!

Case Closed: The Fourteenth Target
Rated PG
3 Slimes
Copyright Funimation Entertainment 2007 (English Release)

THE CHARACTERS

Jimmy Kudo/ Conan Edogawa: Jimmy was a famous private detective at the age of 16, but when he got too nosy into a case one time, we forced to ingest a substance that turned him into 6 year old Conan. He’s currently residing at Moore’s Detective Agency until he return back to normal and track down the people who did that to him. He ‘helps’ Richard in the background solve his cases and often gets caught up in a lot of murders that happens around him, and this case is no exception. He is one of the targets of the murder, but since he is stuck as Conan, he is able to avoid being a target. He is one heck of a shot and saves Rachel from the murderer in the end.

Richard Moore: A former detective now turned private detective, who lives with his daughter. He isn’t actually one of the best detectives around, since he makes a lot of random and rash judgments on different suspects, but Conan is able to keep his reputation strong. He is the center of all the chaos the murderer leaves in the movie and is ultimately determine to arrest the man responsible for the crimes.

Rachel Moore: Daughter of Richard Moore, who has a secret crush on Jimmy Kudo. She is ultimately worried about the whole case and tries to help out as best as she can. She isn’t one of the targets, but is used as a hostage by the murderer near the end of the film.

Inspector Joseph Meguire: One of the higher ranking officers and former partner of Richard in the police department. He is one of the targets of the murderer and is nearly killed by a crossbow early on.

Inspector Santos: A detective working under Megure who is also one of the targets of the murderer.

Hiroshi Agasa: Jimmy Kudo’s next door neighbor who makes a lot of gadgets for him when he is Conan. He is one of the few people who knows of Conan’s true identify and often goes to talk to him for advice. He is one of the targets of the murderer and is nearly killed.

Eva Kadan: Richard’s Ex, Rachel’s mom, and a powerful attorney. She is one of the targets of the murderer and is nearly killed when she eats poison candy.

Emilio Cantore: Photographer and one of the targets of the murderer.

Peter Ford: A news reporter and one of the targets of the murder.

Mason Norfolk: An essayist, food critic, writer, and one of the targets in the case. He does it all!

Chris Ashton: A local businessman that has a stronghold over a lot of the businesses in the city. He is one of the targets of the murderer and is eventually killed.

Henry Tish: Professional golfer and one of the murderer’s targets. He is nearly killed when his helicopter crashes due to tampering with his eye drops.

Nina Oliver: Professional model and one of the targets of the murderer. She is murdered by the killer since she is the one that caused him to lose his sense of taste when she crashed into him.

Kevin Simms: A wine taster for a restaurant and one of the targets of the murderer. Turns out he is the murderer and is really after all the people who have wronged him. Everyone else, including Richard’s family, are mere obstacles to him. His arrested at the end of the film.

Jake Monoro: Was a former card shark and murder that Richard arrested while he was still a police officer. After being released from jail, he takes a personal vendetta against Richard and all of the people around him by trying to kill every last one of them. In the end, it turns out that J.T. was murdered long after he got out of prison and the murderer was merely trying to make it look like this guy was the killer.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Nothing ruins an evening like talking about another woman in front of the wife.
+ Never eat chocolate delivered to you by mail.
+ You land a helicopter if you have play with a simulator before.
+ Never underestimate a wine taster. They are sort of like super villains.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – I hope you are paying attention, because this is the background you’ll be getting on everything.
4 min – Ah yes, the skateboard. If I remember correctly, you only used that once in the entire manga. Waste of an investment.
9 min – I’m going to have to agree with your friend there about that guy.
15 min – Hey! I’m watching this movie to be entertained, not learn something!
24 min – Damn that guy is good with a motorbike.
40 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TONS OF WINDOWS!
43 min – That card looks pretty good for being inside of a burning helicopter.
50 min – Wow; is Sea World involved in this place?
60 min – So that’s what it looks like to sleep with the fishes.
69 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN UNDERWATER RESTAURANT!
80 min – Ok, I’ll be honest. I didn’t see that coming.
81 min – He didn’t see that someone else threw the cards?
85 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN ENTIRE AMUSEMENT PARK!
93 min – That’s a lot of destruction.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Serena: (Referring to Mason Norfolk) You know, in person, he sort of looks like a singer from a bad 80s band.

Richard: (Talking to Henry) Let me introduce you to my family. This is my ex, Eva; my daughter, Rachel; and that freeloader there is Conan.

THE PLOT

Let me get straight to the point. I love Case Closed. It is one of my all time favorite mangas and animes out there. Hearing that there was a movie finally being released state side was exciting. Unfortunately, I missed movie 1, but I manage to make it up by getting movie 2 here. As much as I am a fan of this show and how much I liked the movie, how could it hold up with a regular audience who isn’t completely familiar with the series? So, I examine that as I watch this movie.

The film begins with Rachel Moore, daughter of Private Detective Richard Moore, waking up for a nightmare in which her mother is shot by an unseen gunman. She calls her mother (Currently, her dad and mom are split up and Rachel is living with her dad), but she is alright. After that, we are given our background on all the characters and the situations that been happening in the manga outside of this movie. Pay attention here since I’m not going to explain it!

After our introduction, we see Jake Monoro leave prison and tries then to visit Richard Moore. Take note of that for future reference, since it is important. Later that night; Conan, Richard, and Rachel go to dinner with Eva Kadan, Rachel’s mom; at a restaurant. There; they run into Henry Tish, a friend of Richard’s and a golfer; Kevin Simms, a family friend and a sommelier (Wine steward), and Chris Ashton, a rich businessman that owns a lot of big buildings in the area.

Now a week later after that dinner; we see Joseph Meguire, a police inspector, taking a run through the park. Then out of nowhere, someone from the bushes shoots him with a crossbow! He survives the incident luckily and is taken to the hospital. Richard; Conan; Rachel; and Inspector Santos, another inspector at the police station; go to visit him. They don’t know who shoot Meguire, but they did find a strange piece of evidence near the area. A cardboard dagger.

Now we cut to Eva Kadan, who is given a box of Swiss Chocolate at her office. Since Richard is the only one who knows she lives Swiss Chocolate, she has one. Unfortunately, the chocolate is poison and she collapses. She survives and the police find a paper flower alongside the box of chocolates.

Conan is pretty sure he has seen these items before, but can’t figure out where. He goes to talk to Hiroshi Agasa, his previous next door neighbor, for some advice. While there, someone throws a rock through the window. Agasa walks outside to check what happened and someone on a motorbike shoots him with a crossbow gun. He manages to avoid getting hit in any vital areas, but is still wounded badly. Conan gives chase, but loses the suspect. When he returns to Agasa’s home, he finds a strange object near the front gate and figures out what is going on.

To explain everything a little easy; all the attacks revolve around playing cards. The first attack on Meguire is related to the King Card, which is also the 13th card. Meguire’s full name is 13 letters long and the cardboard dagger left behind is to resemble the King’s Knife that he holds on the card. Eva Kadan is related the Queen Card since her first name in some languages translate to Queen. The paper flower left behind represents The Queen’s Flower on the card. Agasa is related to the Jack Card, which is also the 11th card. Agasa is an inventor and has eleven patents, hence the 11th card. Plus, the item left behind at his crime scene represents The Jack’s Royal Scepter. All of these cases all then relate back to Richard Moore, since they are all friends and family. Man, I hope you are following all of this.

Inspector Meguire, who is all healed now; meets with Richard, Conan, Rachel, and Santos about the case and says that this case probably relates to Jake Monoro. He is a former card dealer and had served 10 years for second degree murder before being released recently. Richard was the cop that had arrested him long ago and Jake is now after revenge.

Before being booked earlier, Jake had escape from the officers in the station and took Eva hostage. During the standoff, Richard fired 2 shots, one that grazed Eva in the leg and one that hit Monoro in the shoulder. Internal Affairs launched an investigation into the shooting and Richard was forced to resign. While the resigning has nothing to do with the movie, I do find it interesting and a good back story for Richard as a fan of the series.

Now back to present, everyone now had to figure out who the next target is, which is the 10th Card. After some thinking, they realize that Henry Tish is the next target in the case. He is ranked as the 10th Best Golfer in the world currently, so everyone heads to him as fast as they can. When they arrive, Henry is about the leave in his helicopter. They explain to him what is happening, but can’t convince him to not fly, so Richard and Meguire fly with him while Rachel and Santos head to the main airport where Henry is ultimately going to fly to. Also, Conan sneaks abroad the helicopter.

The flight goes well, but unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse. Before the helicopter went up, Henry put in some eye drops because of his allergies. However, they been switched with Atropine Eye Drops, that dilate his pupils; so when the sun comes out, he is blinded. Conan, who has had some piloting experience when he was Jimmy, is force to crash land the helicopter at his school. Later, in the wreckage of the helicopter, the police discover a 10 playing card.

Although he doesn’t know who could now be the 9th target, Richard figures his friend Kevin Simms could be the 8th target. The reason is because Kevin attended a culinary school that has an 8-year program. The police, Conan, Richard, and Rachel go to meet with him to figure out what he plans on doing. According to him, he is going to be meeting with Chris Aston, a businessman.

Conan then realizes that Aston may be the 9th target since Aston owns 9 buildings in the area and he once almost hired Richard for a case. The group, including Kevin now, heads to Aston’s new amusement park to meet with him. There, they also run into fashion model Nina Oliver, reporter Peter Ford, photographer Emilio Cantore, and writer Mason Norfolk. All of them are also meeting with Chris Aston as well.

They all take a tram over to the park, since it is built in the middle of the bay area. Once there, they take an elevator to the underwater restaurant, where Chris is suppose to meet them all. Chris is missing and is nowhere to be found. Meguire then informs the people about the case and then a lot of them all realize something. They are all connected to a number card in the deck!

Here’s how it goes: Nina Oliver is the 7th Card, since she has been modeling since she was 7. Emilio Cantore is the 6th Card, since he has 6 kids and he had previously taken Monoro’s photo for a book. Richard Moore is the 5th Card, since he has 5 letters in his last name. Peter Ford is the 4th Card, since his last name has 4 letters in it and it sounds similar to four. Inspector Santos is the 3rd Card, since he is the third child of 3 siblings and they were all born 3 years apart. Mason Norfolk is the 2nd Card, since he has written 2 books and when he was a journalist, he wrote an article about Monoro. Jimmy Kudo, although not there, is the 1st Card, otherwise known as the Ace. He is this card since he is the number one detective and is number one in most things he does. Got that?

Ok, the group keeps waiting around, but Chris still doesn’t show up. Ford finds a letter addressed to Kevin that tells him to go down to the wine cellar to pick out some wine. Kevin heads down with the group, but is almost killed when he sets off a booby trap meant for him. The group decides to leave, suspecting it will be getting too dangerous if they stay. However, the door is electronically locked and they also see Chris’ body floating in the aquarium outside of the restaurant. In his coat pocket is the 9.

With nowhere to go, they try looking for other possible ways out. Meanwhile, Nina, worried that she is the next target, tells the group about a traffic accident before. 3 months earlier, she caused a motorist to crash on a motorcycle and she fled the scene in fear. The group splits up and searches the place, while Nina, Conan, and Rachel stick together. However, someone cuts the power to the restaurant and kills Nina in the dark. While making his getaway, the criminal knocks over Conan’s soda, splashing it on his pants leg.

While examining the body when Richard turns on the light, Conan discovers that bruise on Nina’s back that came the suspect’s left hand, which means the person stabbed her with the knife using his right hand. Remembering a photo of Monoro from earlier, Conan saw him using his left hand, meaning he is left handed. This mean the killer isn’t Monoro. The real killer is right handed. Aren’t mysteries fun and complex?

Conan then checks the men’s pants legs after remembering that the can was kicked earlier. During which, he discovers who killer is, but doesn’t understand the motive. However, he gets an idea and sets it in motion. He fills up a bunch of glasses with mineral water and gives it to everyone. Yeah, it seems like I’m commenting on every little thing and not really making much jokes during this review, but everything I mention is important in the long run and I wanted a more serious approach for this review.

Just as Conan figures everything out, the suspect sets off a bomb and the water from outside rushes into the room. Remember! They are in an underwater restaurant after all. During this, Rachel is trapped underwater, but Conan manages to rescue her. The group heads to an air pocket in the room and sees the 6 through 2 Playing Card, meaning the killer was hoping to kill them all in one single blow. Now that the windows to the restaurant are blown out, the group can now swim to the surface.

I’m going to pause for a second and tell that the rest of the review will be containing major spoilers. As in, I’m revealing who the killer is and the motive for why he did it. So, if you don’t want to know who the real killer is and everything, just skip the rest of the review if you didn’t already spoil it by reading the character bios at the top.

Anyways, the group makes to the surface and reaches part of the park that isn’t underwater. Mason starts choking on the water from before and Kevin offers to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation. However, Conan using his voice modifier bowtie (It can be use to change people’s voices) to say, using Richard’s voice, that Santos should give the resuscitation. Santos does and Mason ends up ok. Conan then pus Richard to sleep using his stun gun wrist watch (Just go with it) and then reveals everything, still using Richard’s voice.

The real killer? Why it is now other than Kevin Simms! He used Jake Monoro as a scapegoat so he could commit the crimes. The reason is because Kevin has taste disorder. Taste disorder is where a person loses he sense of taste and to a sommelier, that’s very important. This disorder can be brought on by severe head injury, which happen when he crashed his bike due to Nina. Kevin doesn’t believe it and ask for evidence. Conan tricks him into emptying his pockets, which reveals a wine cork that Nina had drawn on early. During the time she was stabbed, she managed to slip it into his coat pocket before dying. Also, he still has the last remaining card in his pocket, the Ace that was meant for Jimmy.

Kevin confesses and reveals that he killed Nina because of that accident. He killed Chris because he was destroying the wine he collected by leaving it in an unsafe environment, he attempted to kill Mason because he was a joke since he knew nothing about food despite being a so called expert in it. He also attempted to kill Henry since he made a mockery of him and his profession. Everyone else he attempted to kill was merely added to fill in the last places in the playing cards. Man, someone has anger issues.

He also confesses to killing Monoro, who he ran into outside of Moore’s place. Monoro was apparently there to apologize for taking Eva hostage. The officers are about to arrest him, but Kevin sets off one more bomb, which starts to sink the whole place into the ocean! He makes a run for it, but also grabs Rachel as a hostage, who is still woozy from being trapped underwater earlier. Richard (who is awake now), Santos, Conan, and Meguire chase after Kevin while Ford, Emilio, and Mason swim for shore.

The group chases Kevin up to the top of the park and confront him on the helicopter pad, where a copter is already waiting. Kevin holds Rachel in front of him so that Santos can’t shoot him. He forces Conan to bring him the gun as the pad begins to crumble. Conan then realizes something as he brings the gun. He remembers the story about how Richard shoot Eva before and now knows why that happened. Conan then shoots Rachel, grazing her leg and making her unable to stand. Kevin now can’t use her as a shield since she is useless as a hostage now, so Richard tackles him. The group boards the helicopter with the suspect in toe and watch as the whole place crumbles into the sea.

The helicopter lands and Kevin is taken into custody. Rachel heads to the hospital with her wound and so does Meguire, whose prior injury opened up. The others from before are picked up by the harbor patrol and brought back to land as well. With that, the movie closes and the credits roll.

That was Case Closed: The Fourteenth Target and it was generally a pretty good movie. The main characters, while built up in the main series, were given some more depth in this movie and I did find the background they gave on Richard Moore very excellent. The music was good, fitting each scene properly, even if it isn’t memorable. Voice acting was good as well for most characters. I do find one of the side characters’ voice annoying, but he didn’t have much of a role this movie so there’s no harm done. I can’t say if the Japanese version is better, because I didn’t listen to it for this review. So you’ll have to check it out yourself.

The strongest part of the movie is the story. It is very well written and the mystery of it was complex, which is why I went into much more detail than I usually do in a review. The idea of the playing cards was pretty good and the reveal of the villain was unexpected. The back story of what happened with Richard when he shot Eva was also very well written because it gave a lot of character development to him.

There are some problem though that could be considered a problem. The characters, outside of the main ones, aren’t very well developed and they are pretty much there just to be targets. The villain’s motive was alright, but seemed pretty out there when he went after Henry Tish. Also, he seemed almost like a super villain when he blew up the amusement park at the end. The other thing, which is more of a nitpick on my part, is the character models. I read the manga and seen how the characters looked in that version. When I look at the anime’s version, they seem a bit more oddly drawn or awkward almost. It’s still just a problem for me and should hold no bearing on other people.

So, what do I have to say? The movie is very good, but not hundred prefect. It is without a doubt a definite watch for any fan of the franchise and even people who like mysteries. It could be a problem for people who are unfamiliar with the series, although the quick the opening and background on Conan could be enough to fill people in without alienating them. In general, this is a movie that is worth watching for most people and should keep you guessing all the way through.

Movie Review: KAW

2010-03-30T18:39:00.001-05:00

KAW
Rated R
3 Slimes
Copyright Sony Pictures 2007

THE CHARACTERS

Wayne: Sean Patrick Flanery! The town’s local police sheriff, who is pretty nice guy. He is probably the nicest and all around, good guy sheriff that I have ever seen in a movie before. He is pretty good with a shotgun.

Clyde: Stephen McHattie! Mechanic and bus driver who is a recovering alcoholic. He is a likeable character and another good guy. Sacrificing himself, heroically, to kill a lot of the ravens by blowing up a gas pump.

Cynthia: Wayne’s wife who stumbles upon the secrets about the dying cows. She really doesn’t serve much of a purpose in this movie.

Doc: Rod Taylor! The medical examiner for the local town. He doesn’t do much outside of explaining a few things.

Oskar & Jacob: Mennonite farmers, whose cows have been dying because of mad cow disease. As such, those are what fuel the birds into their murderous rampage.

Betty: Runs a little diner in the town and sort of has a crush on Clyde. Birds kill her, because no bothered to help fend off the ravens that were attacking her.

Doris: A student at the local school who often acts like a bitch. Her behavior leads to 4 people dying. Sadly, she does not killed, despite all movie logic.

Stan: A police officer who isn’t actually good at following orders. Birds peck him to death.

Ravens: Mean birds turned into killer because of mad cow disease. These things are incredibly smart and I really question how many of these things are there. There appears to be over a thousand, but how just many ravens can be found in one little area? Some are shot and blown up; the majority die from the disease after a while.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Dogs are scared by a raven’s crow.
+ When a bird is ticked off, it calls for backup.
+ Ravens are very quiet when sneaking up on people.
+ Cows decay very quickly.
+ Birds are overly sensitive to guns.
+ Ravens’ get an intelligence boost from being infected with mad cow disease.
+ Mad Cow Disease turns ravens in homicidal and crazed monsters.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – The raven seems to disapprove of what you are doing.
8 min – This won’t lead anywhere good.
18 min – Way too ominous for me to check out.
26 min – Let’s take a bet, who thinks what they are talking has to do with the killer birds?
34 min – Well things just went from bad to worse.
39 min – This is why I don’t eat hamburgers.
44 min – I’m getting The Birds flashbacks.
46 min – That must be bird talk for: GET THEM!
55 min – Wait! Don’t do that! Making a loud noise with an engine is a sure fire way to bring trouble! Ever seen Jurassic Park 2?!
57 min – Look here you brat, this is your own damn fault that we stuck here!
58 min – Ladies and gentlemen, OH S**T! Here they come!
67 min – Hey, you were right!
68 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SCHOOL BUS!
80 min – Ok, just how smart are these ravens anyways?
82 min – Ah… why is no one helping her?
86 min – It’s the aftermath of War of the Worlds from what I see.
87 min – Who would be thrilled? Every officer besides him is dead!
88 min – Hold on! That’s BS. This film ending fails.

THE PLOT

As you know, I love all things related to killer animals and as such, I am a fan of Hitchcock’s The Birds, despite not actually being a faithful adaption of the short story it was based off of. With that in mind, I present to you a Sci-Fi channel production called KAW. The idea is about a flock of killer ravens. Simple enough, but from what I understand, there is a lot of similar plot elements in this movie that were found in The Birds as well, so some people consider this movie a modernization of that film. However, is it good enough to be a modernization of one of Hitchcock’s best films? Let’s find out!

The film begins with a farmer being murder by a flock of mean ravens. Nothing like getting to the point of things, huh? Meanwhile, a guy named Clyde gets attacked by a bunch of ravens as well while he works on a school bus. All of these incidents bring the local sheriff, Wayne, in to investigate. However, the sheriff is unaware that the birds murdered the man.

Wayne catches up with Clyde outside of a diner to talk him about his incident, after his neighbors reported him shooting his shotgun (Which was to kill the birds). Clyde explains the situation about the birds, but Wayne doesn’t believe him. Oh, this is going to come back to hurt him in the future. So, Clyde leaves then, with a bunch of the town’s school girls on his bus, for a school event, while ravens fly over head. I sense foreshadowing!

Back to the murder victim from earlier, Doc (medical examiner) and Officer Stan examine the body, but aren’t sure about what killed him themselves. Also, Wayne decides to check out Clyde’s home to see if the bird attack really happened, after seeing a ton of ravens near the diner for himself. He wanders around a bit and stumbles upon Clyde’s dog, which is dead and is currently being feast upon a lone raven.

Somewhere else, a couple discovers a truck that crashed underneath a bridge. Inside, a woman is dead in her seat and when the couple turns to leave after their discovery, a ton of ravens are on top of their car waiting for them. You got to love how the birds were able to silently fly and land on the car without them noticing in less than a minute. The couple tries to leave in the car, but the ravens attack and block their view of the road, causing them to crash.

Wayne sees smoke from the crash and heads to the site. The car is on fire and discovers that the woman of the couple is still alive (Ravens are currently making a meal of her leg also), so he takes her back to town. Meanwhile, Cynthia, Wayne’s wife, goes to visit a friend, who is from a family of Mennonite farmers, and make a discovery in the barn. A whole ton of dead cows! Well so much for getting milk and making hamburger at the place.

She also spies two of her friend’s relatives, Oskar and Jacob, out in the back setting a fire, so they can burn the cows. The two of them are arguing about the whole deal about why their cows died, with Oskar saying it is because of a disease and Jacob saying it is because of God. Oh sure, because God just randomly kills cows as punishment to Mennonite farmers. Anyhow, Cynthia takes off, but falls down a well and is trapped. Look on the bright side… I don’t think the birds could see you down there.

Wayne takes the woman back to the station and Stan & Doc arrive to help. Wayne tells Doc about the ravens eating at the girl’s leg, while Doc confirms the first murder victim was killed by being pecked to death. Stan, while glancing out the window, summons them both to look outside. Out there are tons and tons and TONS of ravens and some of them have surround a boy!

Wayne goes to get the boy, while female dies. Well that was pointless. Wayne rushes for the boy as soon as all the birds began to dive bomb them. Stan clears path for them for the building by shooting at the birds, but the birds then attack and kill him. Then in a strange move, the birds then decide to leave for some reason. I say it is weird because they made such a big deal about all gathering in one area for less than 5 minutes and deciding to leave almost instantly after attacking someone for less than a minute.

So with Stan dead and the citizens confused about what the heck is happening, Wayne tells them to head home and just stay home until everything is clear. Very sound advice if you ask me. However, not everyone is well aware of the issue happening. Clyde is currently bringing the kids back to the town after their school event, right back into raven territory. This could be alright though if he brings them straight to their homes, but one of the students, Doris, acting like a complete and utter bitch, throws a basketball at the gear shift and breaks it. This also breaks the bus as well, leaving them stranded in the middle of nowhere. Thanks for that Doris; you have now doomed a lot of people.

Later that night, we see Cynthia struggling to get out of the well. Well as long as the ravens don’t notice her… Also, Clyde can’t get the bus to start and they are pretty much still stranded in school bus at night in the middle of nowhere. I saw that before in Jeepers Creepers 2, but at least the birds aren’t as strong as the monster in that movie. As he fixes the bus, the birds come a chargin’!

The birds actually really don’t attack them for some reason; they just zoom on right by like the bus was merely a tree or something. Odd, but ok. In the… non-attack, the birds kill Emma, the school’s coach, which completely bites because Doris should have bitten the dust. After all, she caused them all to get stranded and Emma was a more interesting character.

Back at the farm, Jacob notices Cynthia trapped down the well and helps her out of it. She is completely paranoid about what happened at the farm and Jacob explains what happened. His cows had died earlier and the ravens had come not long after to feast on them. Ah! I get it! They attracted the rage virus then from the cows. Yeah, mad cow disease, not the rage virus, but I frankly find it hard to believe the disease made the ravens go so crazy!

At the bus, Clyde tries again to get the thing running once more, but the ravens yet again show up to attack him and the rest. He hides in the bus with the rest, but the birds decide to pick up rocks and toss them at the windows, in order to smash them open! Damn, these birds are smart! Luckily, Wayne shows up in time (Thank God for randomly driving around) and starts blowing a couple of birds out of the sky. Clyde jumps out to help and Wayne tosses him a rifle.

After shooting out a couple of birds, the rest of the students and Clyde hightail it out of there. However, the birds dive bomb the car again and the vehicle ends up stuck in the mud. Give it up for plot inconvenience folks! They all then make a mad dash through a cornfield to a diner on the other side, where Doc, Oskar, Betty (The owner), and now Cynthia are all at. Along the way, the ravens kill one of the students, who isn’t Doris (Oh come on!).

They all get into the diner and Oskar tells them all about how the cows died from Mad Cow Disease and the birds ate all of the cows. After the birds had nothing left of the cows, they attacked Mennonites. Just as they said that, the ravens come back, after they knocked out the electricity. What gets me is there appear to be over a thousand of them! Where are these birds coming from!?

They barricade the windows, but a couple of ravens get in and attack them. I believe they kill Betty, because no one actually decides to help her. What assholes! Clyde is horrified by her death (He was technically the only one with an excuse to help since the birds were attacking him from all directions) and decides to sacrifice himself. He heads outside and uses the gas pump to spray the birds with gasoline. He then lights a match and lights up the night. The gas pumps explode and wipe out a large chunk of the ravens, while causing the others to take off in fear.

The following the morning, everything is eerie silent. Wayne heads outside to see if the coast is clear. Out there, they find that all the birds have succumbed to the disease and have bit the dust. That’s nice, but the ending completely ruins that by showing a couple of remaining birds attacking Wayne and Cynthia. What the hell?

Well, how was the film? I can certainly say that this was a lot better than the usual killer animal movies I watch. The acting was decent (Though the lead males seemed a bit stiff at times), the story was a halfway decent, the location was good, soundtrack was good and added to the atmosphere well, but what really was great was the special effects used for the scenes with the ravens. I loved how they used a mixture of real ravens and pretty good CGI for when the ravens flew and attack people. It was an ingenious mixture.

The film does, although, have some weak points that keep it from people a truly great experience. For one, the science seemed very questionable with the mad cow disease acting almost like a rage virus. A few unnecessary deaths happened and someone who should have bitten the dust didn’t. Also, the ending seemed pretty lame and still left a couple of unanswered questions when everything was said and done.

Still, it was a fun film in general. Is it a great homage or modernization of The Birds? Not really, but it is a good killer bird film with a bunch of nice and subtle nods to the film and a few others as well. KAW is worth a look and it is maybe worth a purchase for you if you end up enjoying the craziness of the film.

Movie Review: In Search of the Titanic

2010-03-19T19:08:00.002-05:00

In Search of the Titanic/ Tentacolino
Unknown Rating
Skull
Copyright Mono Cinema Distribuzione 2002

THE CHARACTERS

Connors: A sailor mouse and that’s all you need to know. He is extremely underdeveloped as a character in this movie unlike the first one. Interesting to note is that this movie completely messes with his continuity set by the first film.

Brazil: Connors brother-in-law (Although that isn’t mention in the film) that must be taking estrogen pills because he is really starting to act and sound like a girl. It’s kind of creepy and the long eyelashes certainly aren’t helping his… or should I say her side.

Elizabeth: A completely codependent person who never makes decisions for herself. Her husband does that for her and as such, she never questions any of the things that happen in the movie or the big picture.

Jack: A complete and selfish prick who doesn’t seem to get the picture that he is trapped in Atlantis forever and was given the Elixir of Life without his constant. Heck, when his dog Lassie questions the situation and says he wouldn’t want to live down here, Jack here pretty much tells him to STFU. So yeah, big character difference since the first movie.

Smiley: I’m stilling him Lassie; I do not care what they call him. Like everyone, doesn’t seem to realize the big picture with Atlantis. He has opposable thumbs, can fire laser guns, and he falls in love with a fluffy dog. Nothing else about him is important.

Pingo, aka Whitey Spring Fish: He has a name, but I like my name better. I believe he is gay and I don’t care what other people say about him, he is GAY! He is the film equivalent of Jar Jar Binks to say the least. On the other hand, Jar Jar never sang a techno song.

King of Atlantis: He is sort of like Gaia from Captain Planet. An all powerful being, who can basically solve and stop problems that are going on, but he lets other people to it for him instead.

Citizens of Atlantis: Let’s see here, we have Cowgirl Nurse, Captain Fish Planet, a red dolphin, a rock monster with the face of Nixon, an aquatic version of Tesse from Jack and Daxter, a transvestite Scottish toy, and many other weird and strange things.

Tentacles: He is sort of there and really plays no big part in this film, despite one of the alternate titles of this movie being called Tentacolino for some reason.

Leader Rat: He is in charge of the rat rebels who want to somehow take over the world with the Elixir of Life. He is branded crazy and thrown into the loony bin at the end of the film.

Hooky Rat and China: Hooky rat is a rat with a hook for a hand and China is a basically a stereotyped Chinese rat. Both of them take part in the plan to somehow conquer the Earth, but end up going insane for some unknown reason at the end of the film.

Eye-Patch Man: He is 20 years longer for some reason and I don’t think he plays much of a role in this film, unlike the first one. Too bad, he was sort of the only interesting from the first film.

Mr. Ice/Razortooth/Razorteeth: He has many names, but I’ll just call him Mr. Ice like usual. He is the rapping and strong leader of a gang of sharks that are often hired out to sink ships. Despite the first 20 minutes, he really has no impact on the story.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ People talk without moving their mouths.
+ Sea creatures have territories.
+ Sharks hate the color yellow.
+ Some bubbles float downward.
+ People can whistle underwater.
+ Lava can exist underwater.
+ Dogs have thumbs and can shoot laser pistols.
+ In Atlantis, screwdrivers are banned.
+ Submarines can be fashioned out of large barrels.
+ Laser beams can hurt a shark, but not a mouse.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
2 min – My God, the animation still hasn’t improved in 3 years since movie number 1!
3 min – These aren’t the same voice actors as before.
4 min – Bad CGI ahoy!
5 min 23 sec – FREEZE FRAME! The fish are having a seizure from the bad rapping!
5 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT! Why must a shark rap?
8 min – SHUT UP!!!!!
11 min – Hey, where are the pieces of cable that were in his teeth?
14 min – WTF.
20 min – Wow, Atlantis never looked lamer.
23 min – Again, WTF.
26 min – The dog has no eyes.
28 min – That dog has opposable thumbs!
31 min – They never talked you idiot. What are you smoking?
33 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
34 min – Not going to get tired of saying this, WTF!?
38 min – I got nothing. This speaks for itself.
42 min – Somehow, dogs are luckier in love than I am.
62 min – If he could really see and hear all, he should have known about this rebel plot a long time ago!
63 min – The dog is shooting a laser gun…
73 min – But, but, but, but…!
73 min 42 sec – FREEZE FRAME! There is no outline around the king’s hand!
78 min – But he hates screwdrivers!!! Why is he holding onto one?!
81 min – Isn’t that Never Land?
86 min – I’m curious about how they all went coo-koo.
87 min – HORRENDOUS MUSICAL NUMBER MOMENT!
90 min – My pray has been answered! The movie is over! Hallelujah!

NOTABLE QUOTES

Mr. Ice: (From his rapping) Yo, yo, yo. Look at my teeth. They are so sharp and white as me. Look at my teeth. Once they shit, I make no error.

Jack: (To Elizabeth about her concerns over the mysterious drink) This elixir is such a pretty color. Come on, drink!

THE PLOT

Hey kids, have ever watched The Legend of the Titanic and thought to yourself, “Man, what a movie! I wonder if there is a sequel out there, because that would be awesome!” If you have thought that before, you are a complete moron. Yes everyone, there was a sequel to that film called In Search of the Titanic.

Like previously mentioned before in the last review, I mention I couldn’t find any information about that first movie and the same thing happened when researching this movie. I have theorized that these movies are so bad that the Internet and the whole world refuses to acknowledge their existence. Ok, that may not be the truth and it is more likely that really no one knows about these films. Well I suppose it is time to expose the truth and reveal to everyone the horror that is In Search of the Titanic. By the way, this film really isn’t about the Titanic.

The film begins 3 years later after the boat sank. We find a boat in the middle of the sea, where a crew is lowering a bathysphere into the water. By the way, let’s have a quick history lesson. Bathyspheres were first designed in 1928, this movie is supposedly happening in 1915. Great, as if this movie series wasn’t already extremely inaccurate, but this won’t be the worst of it folks.

The bathysphere is dropped into the water and starts descending down to the bottom of the sea. Our crew aboard our mini sub is none other than Elizabeth, Jack, Connors, Brazil, and Lassie (I know Jack, Brazil, and Lassie have different names, but I still don’t give a crap what you call them) and my God, has the voice acting gotten even worse. Brazil and Connors sound like girls, Lassie doesn’t have his English accent anymore, and Jack… I’m not going to even comment about it. It is a sad sight indeed when a sequel couldn’t get people to reprise their roles.

The team is, I think, looking for the Titanic. After all, that’s what the title of the movie is called. However, they run into some trouble from a shark gang (No, not a gang of sharks, a shark gang!) that belongs to Mr. Ice, the shark from the last film. The sharks don’t like the fact that these people are in their territory and decide to beat up on the vessel. Strangely, our characters are adamant about this, thinking that the pounding is just underwater currents. Right, because underwater currents make pounding sounds, ram against a sub on all sides, and look like sharks. Come on you fools! You have windows in this thing! You can tell it’s sharks doing this!

Ok, the film was doing below average so far, but then it completely fails when the most horrible, unimaginable, and evil thing happens next. A shark starts rapping. Yes people, a shark starts rapping about how scaring he is and how sharp his teeth are, while oysters provide backup vocals. To be fair, it makes more sense than the rapping dog in Legend Goes On, but this song… is horrid, longer, and is whiter than Vanilla Ice. The thing that gets me though about the song, at one point, I think the sharp raps, ‘Once they shit, I make no error’. What the f**k people?

After you finish ripping out your ear drums, one of the sharks from earlier goes to talk with the rapping shark, who is Mr. Ice. The shark tells him about the bathysphere descending down to the wreck of the Titanic. Since the thing is in his territory and it is yellow, he wants to sink the thing. What I find weird is that aren’t sharks suppose to be color blind or something?

The sharks now have immobilized the sub; not that this is scaring anyone in the sub by the way. Connors actually seems really excited and overjoyed that they are trapped (Nothing like bad acting)! Ok then… the sharks, when Mr. Ice arrives, all decide to cut the lines attaching the bathysphere to the boat above. Amusingly, there are no sound effects at all for this scene.

The bathysphere sinks to the ocean floor and the people pass out inside. However, Tentacles from the previous film, who sounds even more pathetic, happens to be passing by and tries to take them back to the surface. However, he can’t move the thing, since it is stuck between two reefs. Are you kidding me? The octopus was strong enough to move gigantic icebergs and keep the Titanic from splitting into 2 in the last film, when did he become just a giant octopussy?

Things seem hopeless for our main characters until… Atlanteans show up. No, I’m not insane, I’m speaking the truth. There are Atlanteans in this movie and they appear to be riding aquatic My Little Ponies. What were the film makers smoking anyways? Since there isn’t enough air to get the people in sub back to the surface, the aqua people put air bubbles on the people’s heads and take them back to Atlantis.

Back to Mr. Ice, he sends a message using Morse Code with clams and Jellyfish (Don’t ask) to Eye-Patch man on a boat somewhere. I thought he froze to death and why does he look 20 years longer now? He gets the message delivered to him (Though the paper he gets is completely blank) and he seems happy about it. I’m not sure what is evil plan is now, but I think we’ll find out soon enough.

So the Atlanteans takes everyone back to the Atlantis to recuperate, while passing a couple of Atlantean submarines along the way. If they breathe and swim underwater without any trouble, especially from the pressure, why would they need submarines? At Atlantis (which looks nothing like any version I have seen), they are all taken to the hospital to be treated by a cowgirl fish nurse… yeah sure…

Meanwhile a red dolphin/killer whale is talking to a gay white fish attached to a spring (Which looks sort of like Flounder) and a rock creature with a face that reminds me of Nixon for some reason about the new arrivals. Ok, seriously people, what drug was the film makers taking… actually how many were they taking!? Whitey spring fish says that they should throw a party in celebration for them and immediately I begin thinking about that rapping dog. Please do not let that dog show up.

Ok, I’m going to take a moment to make sense of all of this, despite how insane and terrible the story is. The Atlanteans are now going to trick the group into drinking the Elixir of Life, making them immortal. With them being immortal, they cannot leave the city, which prevents them from telling other people about the existence of Atlantis. Now to break the news to them about this after they drink the elixir, they’ll have whitey spring fish tell the case and they figure that the people will become so overjoyed by the fact they’ll live forever that they will want to stay and party there, forgetting their real life above the surface. Whatever sense that makes I’ll never know.

By the way, the movie is called In Search of the Titanic. Has anyone been noticing that we haven’t been focusing or even talking about that ship for most of the film? I thought I point that out now.

We cut back to our group, who are with a cowgirl nurse and an Atlantean that looks like Captain Planet. They are talking things over about the situation that is happening with them at Atlantis, when cowgirl nurse offers them the elixir (not telling them what it is). Elizabeth is skeptical about the whole thing, but Jack tells her not to worry about drinking it since it is such a pretty color. Yes, he actually says that and they all drink it! Logic? Who needs logic?!

So after that moronic move, they all go on a sightseeing tour of Atlantis and we are treated to some pretty bad animation and even worse voice acting in this non-awe inspiring city. They then go to meet whitey spring fish, who is somehow the ambassador of the city, to hear about the situation they are in. Oh yeah, the group also runs into a bunch of living, talking toys that belong to old springy. I so wish I was watching Toy Story right about now.

So they meet with whitey spring fish, who informs them they are now official citizens of Atlantis and only the mice and dog find this statement suspicious. I would be asking questions about what he meant by that, but nope, Jack and Elizabeth are rather quiet about the whole situation. Since they don’t answer, fishy boy here then gives them an official welcoming with his toys that he has prepared. At the moment, I knew I was in for some trouble. I knew what was coming next. It was a pointless musical number that made no sense. Not only that, it also attempted to mix Broadway and Techno music together. Oh my poor soul. It hurts.

After that crime against humanity, the group is formerly told the truth by the king and queen of Atlantis about the situation, since the whitey spring fish told them the truth in that… half assed musical number. However, Jack says it was alright and he didn’t mind being told that way. Heck he said he even found it amusing, enlightening, and even showed him the benefits of this new life, especially since he didn’t have any choice in the matter.

Ok people, this is just f****d up beyond all belief and I cannot stress how stupid and idiotic all of this is. First of all, how is being told that you are immortal and that you can never leave Atlantis to see family members again through a techno number is the best way to be told about this?! Second, how did he even know what whitey spring fish was saying? I couldn’t make anything out in his insult to music! Third, it wasn’t amusing, it was terrible!!! Finally, you could have stayed normal human beings if they told you what was in the drinks. Plus you had the option to refuse the drinks until you could find out what they really were. You had a choice!!!!!! ARGH! This movie is trying to break my sanity.

Back to the… ‘movie’ (movies are suppose to be a form of entertainment right?), Lassie goes off with a white female dog while the mice run into two rats, a Chinese rat and a rat with a hook for a hand, who I call Hooky and China. The two rats offer them a chance to come with them so they can work together to leave Atlantis for good. The 2 of them bring Connors and Brazil to a meeting where all the rats in the Atlantis are at. They plan on stealing the Elixir of Life so they can build up an army possibly and conquer the world when they escape, while also using Mr. Ice and his gang as allies. I have no idea how that is suppose to work but at this point I have really don’t give a crap and I am sort of siding with the rats on this since they wouldn’t be evil if the Atlanteans just let them go home in the first place.

Sigh… wasn’t this movie about, you know, searching for the Titanic? I would have preferred that plot… any plot compare this one. The mice tell Jack, Elizabeth, and Lassie about the situation and Jack thinks they should tell the Atlanteans about it, since they saved their lives and stuff. I personally wouldn’t tell them since they are keeping me hostage in the damn city! Why won’t these morons see the big picture?! They are trapped and being forced to live here forever and ever without telling their friends and family whatever happened to them, who think they are lost at sea and are dead!

They deliver the news to the king, who suggests that Connors and Brazil work as spies in the rebel squad and ‘help’ them out. I personally say it would be better to just bargain with the rats so they can just leave instead of forcing them to stay, which is the main reason why this is happening all happening. The mice meet up with the rebels and somehow are elected to steal the Elixir of Life with Hooky and China, which will be already replaced by the good guys with a pitcher of water… but aren’t they… ah heck with it.

The mice and rats steal the fake elixir and take it back to the rats, who have the sharks waiting with them. However, the Atlanteans and Lassie are the move to attack the rebels, while Mr. Ice calls for backup from eye-patch man to fight against the mermen and mermaids. Hmm… if I am following this correctly, it seems we will be having a battle where the sharks & the world above the surface fight against the Atlanteans and other sea creatures. Sounds cool, but why did it have to be in this movie? Also, are we ever going to search for the Titanic? After all, it’s the title of the damn movie!!!

Whitey spring fish gets his toy army to fight against the new human force deployed by eye-patch man as well. Among this mini toy army is a Scottish transvestite crossed with an aging Pippi Longstocking. This is not a sign of me going crazy, there is such a character and it is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment to boot. The toy army takes out the human force in a very anti-climatic fight by using memory erasing lasers that make eye-patch man and his crew forget everything that happens. Sure, why not?

Anyways, they allow the rats to escape, but since they never get the Elixir of Life, their improbable plans to conquer the world are dashed. As a reward for everything they did, the King of Atlantis gives our group a private island, with a newly restored and risen Titanic as well (Raise the Titanic anyone?!?), for them to live on forever. Then Jack has the balls to say, “But we’ll never see our friends in Atlantis again!” Asshole, you have a bunch of brothers, Elizabeth has her dad who is a duke, Connors has a wife, and Brazil has a sister and family. I bet you anything that they are all worried out of their skulls about everyone of them right now. Stop thinking about yourself and think about them you selfish bastard!

The group goes to the bottom of the restored Titanic, which is underwater, to discover all of their friends from the Atlantis are there. The king then presents them a magic screen that allows them to see the outside world as bonus. With that, we are treated to one more terrible musical number before film rolls the ending credits, while the rapping shark song plays again. With this movie FINALLY over, I will begin smashing my head against the wall until I remove all memories of this film.

It’s really hard to believe that it is possible to actually make a movie that sucks more than The Legend of the Titanic, but they did it. Let’s give them a round of boos to show our disgust at this wretched film. While I will grant it the fact that the film wasn’t as offensive as the first one and the soundtrack, outside of the musical numbers, were fine, I however can only look at this movie and say, ‘what the hell were they smoking and thinking?’

The musical numbers were insults to music itself; the animation was ugly; voice acting was just plain bad; the plot was unbelievably idiotic and weird as hell, that there isn’t any searching for the Titanic like the title says; there was no character development; but the biggest problem is how the film disregarded the previous film’s continuity. In the first movie, it was established that Connors got married to Brazil’s sister, Stella, and they had a couple of kids who then had grandkids. Brazil went to Brazil and got a coaching job down there to teach soccer. Both of them had aged, but the Elixir of Life is supposed to keep them looking young forever. Also, those 2 mice can’t live on the island forever if the first movie is true. How did the film makers forget all of these important and established facts when they made this movie?!

It is a sad thing indeed to say that The Legend of Titanic was a far better movie than this one. Of all the 3 Italian animated movies around the Titanic, this one was the worst and the most painful. If you must see a movie about the Titanic or Atlantis, please watch James Cameron’s Titanic or Disney’s Atlantis: The Lost Empire. They are better made, have a more competent story, and most importantly, they will not cause brain damage by watching them!

Movie Review: The Legend of the Titanic

2010-03-15T17:35:00.004-05:00

The Legend of the Titanic
Unknown Rating
Skull
Copyright Mono Cinema Distribuzione 1999

THE CHARACTERS

Connors: Our narrator who was a former mouse sailor on board the Titanic. He’s not a very reliable source for what happened on the Titanic; since Stella lets on that he isn’t telling the truth near the end of the film. Although, I could tell that when the magical talking and hovering dolphins appeared.

Elizabeth: A blond girl that likes wearing cleavage exposing dresses (Hey, the film keeps showing her off like that), has no problem with talking animals, and is basically this movie's version of Rose. She marries Jack at the end of the film.

Jack: He looks like Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. I believe he has a name, but no one says his name often, so I just call him Jack for obvious reasons. Marries Elizabeth at the end of the film.

Brazil: A mouse who is the brother of Stella. I didn’t believe the movie called him a name, so I decided to name him Brazil since that is where he is from. He is a big soccer fanatic and is Robin to Connors.

Elizabeth’s Dad: He is a duke with the rights that can allow eye-patch man to have his company do whaling. He has no name or if he does, no one calls him by his name often.

Smiley: I’m calling this dog Lassie because well… it’s Lassie. He is way too smart for any dog and sort of reminds me of what Pongo did in 101 Dalmatians at the beginning of that movie.

Tentacles: An easily manipulated octopus that moves the iceberg in the Titanic’s path so that it’ll sink. Sadly, he does not die liked I hope.

Stella: A mouse that grandpa falls in love with. Has no defining qualities, but is important since she is actually the only one with sense in this movie, shockingly enough.

Evil Stepmother: Never named and is in loved with eye-patch man. I think she freezes to death, along with her sister.

Mr. Ice: A shark who is the leader of a gang of sharks that worked for Eye-Patch man. Don’t ask me how that partnership came together.

Eye-Patch Man: The evil villain of the movie that looks like Alex Trebek with an eye patch and fiancé of Elizabeth. He has a name, but I’ll be darned if I knew how they pronounced it. He mostly likely freezes to death somewhere lost at sea.

Jeffreys: Henchman of eye-patch man who probably freezes to death.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ People can speak clearly with their mouths wide open.
+ Even animated people suffer from being crossed-eyed.
+ You’re a racist if you don’t think a mouse and human lady could become a couple.
+ Tears sparkle like fireworks when they touch a dolphin.
+ Moonbeams and dolphins are magical.
+ Dolphins can hover and fly.
+ Dog whistles make cricket sounds.
+ No one is surprised when animals talk to them.
+ A tiny soccer ball kicked by a mouse can launch a full grown man off the ground.
+ Falling in love only takes one meeting, one sentence spoken between two people, and a dance.
+ Never trust anyone with a cat, including me! *Evil laugh*
+ Sea creatures belong to rival gangs and their own territories.
+ Icebergs only float if they are thrown hard by an octopus.
+ The Titanic sunk because of octopus moving an iceberg in its path.
+ Mustaches can be used to connect wires.
+ Despite historical records and people’s testimonies, everyone did, in fact, survive the Titanic due to help from a giant octopus, dolphins, killer whales, and humpback whales.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Talking mice and the Titanic? Oh yeah, this is going to suck.
3 min 57 sec – FREEZE FRAME! He’s talking, but his mouth isn’t moving!
6 min – No I do not get it.
9 min – WTF.
11 min – That is really creepy.
15 min – He’s crossed-eyed!
16 min – That’s not the captain of the Titanic.
20 min – Now a cleavage shot for the little kiddies watching.
21 min – Again, WTF.
23 min – Yeah, but then you got to worry about sharks, jellyfish, tuna nets, and the list goes on.
24 min – This is getting tiring… WTF?!
31 min – It’s still creepy.
32 min – Is that Cinderella wearing Belle’s gown!?
34 min – Wow, look at that shameless reuse a scene less than 2 minutes old.
35 min – The dog is moon walking.
39 min – I wish I was watching Titanic: The Legend Goes On right about now.
43 min – But you never met him.
50 min – I am at a loss of words for how insensitive this is.
52 min – The dog shrunk!
57 min – Thanks Tentacles, you just killed hundreds of people.
63 min – I feel squat.
66 min – Well it’s not like you can screw their chances of survival anymore than you already did.
69 min – You a-hole! You forgot Jack, Elizabeth, and the others! Save everyone my ass.
71 min – He’s still alive? Damn! I was hoping for some good news.
75 min – All of the things they are throwing are disappearing.
78 min – Since when does the captain speak animal?!
80 min – I knew it! There was no way this story could have been the truth! It’s too stupid and idiotic to be the truth!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Guy: (After sniffing a glove of woman that his dog stole): Oh what a heavenly fragrant!

THE PLOT

Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow friends and followers, I have reached an all time low today. A while back, I witness the monstrosity known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On and I thought it couldn’t get worse than that when it came to Italian flicks, animated films, or just movies in general. I have been proven wrong. Believe it or not, there is actually another Italian animated movie based off the Titanic disaster. Yeah, that’s right. Another one, which curiously enough came out before The Legend Goes On.

I just… wow! This just goes beyond words. So yeah, I am here to expose you all to this horrible piece of excrement. I would tell you a little bit more about this film, but I cannot. Why? Because there is literally no information about this movie when I was working on this review. There is no IMDb page and if there is, it is very well hidden. No Wikipedia article, no other movie review, no random site with a blurb about the movie, and no basic signs that this movie exists. The only reason why I know this movie is real is because I saw it on YouTube. So… let’s just get this over with!

The story begins with these grandkid mice talking to their grandfather mouse, who was a sailor on the Titanic. They want to know more about the tragedy that happened. However, whatever creditability there was with a movie about talking mice and the Titanic takes a hard hit with just one sentence. One of the grandkid mice reads an article about the tragedy and how tons of people are missing or dead because of it. Then the grandfather said it is all a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding!? How the hell is it a misunderstanding?!

The grandpa mouse decides to tell them the whole story about the ship after one of the tykes finds a whistle that grandpa says is used to summon the evil Mr. Ice. We flashback to the boarding of the Titanic where grandpa mouse was younger and looked more like a girl mouse (Hey you watch it and tell me that he doesn’t look girly with those long eyelashes!). There, we meet Elizabeth, a rich looking girl with blond hair, who is set to marry a rich 40 something guy set up by her father and stepmother. Hmm… I’m getting some déjà vu.

While they are boarding, Connors (Grandpa mouse) is taking a roll call of all the mouse families heading to America on the boat as well. There, he falls head over heels in love with a female mouse named Stella and the mouse/rat passengers board the boat. During which, we treated to some of the worst dialogue you will ever hear in your life along with terrible voice work as well. You know it is bad when almost all of the mice sound American despite being from different countries.

Anyways, before Elizabeth boards the ship herself, she has a run in with this gypsy guy, who we’ll call Jack (Hint hint), and his dog, who is called Smiley but I will call him Lassie instead. The two humans look at each other with interest, before Elizabeth is whisk away onto the boat by her dad. Meanwhile, this bad guy (You know he is a bad guy because he is wearing an eye patch), a man named Jeffrey, and two ladies (One of them is Elizabeth's stepmom) whisper among each other about how Jack could ruin their plans. What plans? How could he ruin them? He was just vaguely looking at a lady and sniffing her glove. It’s creepy, but it isn’t plan ruining for the time being.

So, evil eye-patch man and Jeffery talk about some diabolical plan on board the ship to… gain rights for his company to do whaling by marrying Elizabeth since her dad is a duke. Wow, an evil plan best fit for The Wild Thornberrys or Captain Planet TV shows. At dinner, Elizabeth storms off from her family when they propose she marries eye-patch man aboard the ship, not carrying how she feels about it. Don’t worry lady, the mice on this ship understand your feelings and feel bad for you. OK, maybe that isn’t the best thing.

She runs out onto the deck to cry, as a sad song plays in the background, which thankfully is sung well. This would be a nice moment with some character development for her as she ponders her future, but then dolphins come into play. Talking dolphins. Flying, talking dolphins… that she talks to… to unload her worries to. Ladies and gentlemen, credibility is now completely gone and is now replaced with insanity. Credibility was slowly draining away, but at a nice and slow pace. However, with Flipper talking and hovering, not mention the fact he looks like Shamu, the movie has gone completely bonkers.

So the dolphins tell her that her tears were hit by magical moonbeams and then dolphins added their own magic, which now allows her to understand dolphin & animal talk… what the f**k people?! Anyways, they ask her to stop crying; because they joke her tears will drown them. Oh ha ha ha! Joking about drowning in a Titanic movie, oh what a laugh! ARGH!

The dolphins then tell her about how her fiancé’s company is whaling whales into extinction and speaking of which, eye-patch man is talking to Elizabeth’s father about getting the rights to whale. The dad is reluctant and tells him to ask him later when the marriage happens. Eye-patch man is angry and tells Jeffrey’s to keep in an eye on Elizabeth while he works on getting his whaling right. Also, he mentions if he can’t get his way, he wants to use something to get his way. Hmm, I wonder what that could be?

Well, apparently, Jeffrey goes outside and uses a whistle to contacts a talking shark, that works for eye-patch man, to be ready when he is needed. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, that guy has a talking shark at his disposal. I’m at a loss of words right now. The next day, Elizabeth is still upset and pondering things over, so Connors and this other mouse who I’m going to call Brazil (He says he is from Brazil apparently) go to comfort her. No comment.

They tell her that she doesn’t have to put up with her stepmother forcing her to marry eye-patch guy and that she should stand up to her. Elizabeth feels better and says she doesn’t have to marry him. She’ll stand up to her stepmother and stop the evil whaling plan as well, with the help of her mice friends. Because mice you know are very helpful. Ever see Cinderella?

So the mice spy on evil stepmom and eye-patch man and find out that they are cahoots with each other to get the whaling rights. No! I would have never guessed. The mice relay the info back to her and she goes to her dad about it. She tells him that she refuses to marry the guy and her dad understands. He doesn’t want her to be unhappy… but why the hell did he force her to get engage with the guy before if it didn’t make her happy then?! He clearly knew she wasn’t happy with the arrangements, so why he is all of a sudden now respecting her wishes?! DAMN IT, WHY DOESN’T THIS MAKE SENSE!?

Ugh, anyways, while this happening, Jack is looking around the ship for Elizabeth and is also rubbing her glove against his face… ewww. His dog Lassie goes off and starts looking around for Elizabeth, but runs into Connors and Brazil instead. They inform the dog about the situation, who, in turn, tells them about his own thing with his master. They then work out a plan to bring Jack and Elizabeth together the next day.

The furry animals bring the two up onto the deck the next day and the two of them meet. The animals also have a mouse orchestra play (Amusingly, the music playing does not match up with the instruments the mice are using) to serenade the couple. Well… this plan works shockingly. The two start falling in love, dance with each other, and to top it off, they kiss! They’ve only meet once, barely glanced at each other the first time they saw each other, know nothing about each other, they don’t even know each other’s name, and have only spoken one sentence to each other. Somehow, Titanic: The Legend Goes On is more credible than this!

When they are done kissing, the two of them thank their animal friends for this. Why is the guy not surprised by this!? Why is he not put off by the fact that the mice are waving at him, wearing shirts & pants, playing instruments, and are dancing as well?! Also, how he can understand them?! Did he get secondhand magic by kissing her? Oh who the hell cares anymore! I just want my damn iceberg to sink this ship and all of them to the bottom of the sea!

Continuing on, evil stepmother informs eye-patch man about how Elizabeth and Jack have fallen in love (Illogical as it is) and it’ll ruin their plans. So, eye-patch man moves to his second plan, which the mice overhear and tell Jack about. They say that the guy is going to sink the ship to get what he wants! He will do this by having the shark from earlier, named Mr. Ice; get his gang of sharks together to convince a giant octopus named Tentacles to sink the Titanic with an iceberg through trickery.

Let me put this in other words. The reason the Titanic sunk was because a guy with eye-patch wanted whaling rights, but couldn’t get them. So he decided to get a gang of talking sharks to help him sink the Titanic in a terroristic plot to get his rights. The sharks would then trick an octopus to move the iceberg in the Titanic’s path so it’ll sink. Wow. That is the biggest and I mean biggest epic failure of a plot revolving around a real life tragedy that I have ever heard before!

While Mr. Ice is setting everything into motion, eye-patch man force Elizabeth’s dad to sign the rights for whaling and the evil stepmother has him sign a last will and testament. They leave him tied up and plan on escaping while the iceberg is moved into place by the octopus. The ship hits the iceberg and starts filling with water as everybody rushes to the lifeboats, while the villains have already escaped in their own lifeboat.

Everybody is panicking and hoping for a miracle to save them all when it all looks hopeless. Well, guess what! A miracle does happen! Tentacles sees that the ship is breaking in half and swims up to it so that he can hold it together, along everyone to get onto a lifeboat, while a bunch of humpback whales will provide some extra room for any other passengers who can’t fit in the lifeboats. Great, just great.

However, things don’t look good for Elizabeth, Jack, Connors, Brazil, and Lassie as the boat starts sinking into the abyss with them. Apparently no one noticed they were still on the damn ship. They are forced to jump from the stern, as it is facing straight up now, into the freezing depths of the Atlantic. However, before they turn into popsicles, a humpback saves them. With EVERY single passenger saved, everyone watches as the rest of the boat disappears below the waves.

A passing ship takes all the passengers to the mainland alive and while the villains are lost at sea, unable to get home and most likely freeze to death due the cold weather. Jack and Elizabeth marry after the incident along with Connors and Stella. I question why Stella would marry him. They barely spent any time together; heck they even spent less time with each other than Jack and Elizabeth did. Whatever, romance is a weird thing in animation.

The flashback ends finally and we return to the present with Connors and his grandchildren. Stella shows up and tells the kids that grandpa loves telling stories and that they shouldn’t take what he says too seriously. So in other words, everything we just sat and survived through in this entire movie could possibly be complete bulls**t and is possibly just the ramblings of a crazy old mouse? WELL DUH! Anybody could see that, especially when you include flying, magical dolphins!!!

Oh my God that movie was a piece of crap and was a chore to sit through. This isn’t like Pocket Ninjas were it was nearly impossible to follow or like Frogs were it was incredibly boring to sit through. Nope, this is worse. Well I can say for certain that this movie’s animation was a bit better than the Legend Goes On, but everything else is just horrible.

It suffers from the same issues as Legend Goes On, but what makes it worse is how the movie handled the tragic story of the Titanic. In this version, every single person survived the movie, including some characters that looked like they should have bitten the dust, had no pulse, and were at the bottom of the sea. At least with the Legend Goes On people die and you do feel the tragedy happening to the passengers who live and pass away, despite how little emotion you may feel. With the fact that everyone survived in this movie, it feels like a big slap in the face to history and to the people who died in real life.

This movie is really off the radar and I am glad it is. No one should have to watch this epic failure of mass proportions. Only watch the movie if you really want to see how badly a film can flat out fail. Other than, if you really must watch an animated movie about the Titanic, just wait until someone can make something halfway decent.

And to leave you 2 interesting notes, the villain was played by the same guy who did the voice for Fritz, the rapping dog in Legend Goes On. However, the biggest mindf**k of it all is that this movie actually would spawn a sequel! Didn’t know that? Oh then you’ll be in for a treat later!

Anime Show Review: Green Green Part 4

2010-02-28T12:09:00.000-06:00

Green Green Part 4: Episode 5 & 6
Rated 16 and Order
2 Slimes
Copyright Media Blasters 2006

THE CHARACTERS

Yuusuke Takasaki: Our main protagonist, who balances between being a nice guy and a total jerk. I think he is actually warming up to Midori for once!

Midori Chitose: The female protagonist who is head over heels in love with Yuusuke, to the point where it is almost like she is codependent on him in some way. Her relationship with him actually improves a little for once.

Tadatomo Ijuuin, Hikaru Ichiban-Boshi, and Taizo Tenjin: I will be referring to these guys as the pervert squad, since that best describes the 3 of them and their little posse. These are some sick freaks, but Taizo is the one that is the most disturbing in some fashion. Oh well, they get a bit of their just desserts in episode 6.

Reika Morimura: One of the students of the school and roommate of Midori who doesn’t want Yuusuke and Midori to become close. I have no idea why so far, but I do find her plans to keep them apart a bit amusing.

Sanae Minami: A teenage girl who looks very young for her age that suffers from some unknown illness. She is a frequent target of Taizo’s strange obsession with her, but finds some sort of comfort with Yuusuke protecting her from him.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ If you don’t pay attention in class, a teacher will beat you with a tea kettle.
+ A guy eating rice and staring at a girl isn’t actually a turn on for women.
+ Girls just go crazy over handmade teddy bears.
+ Offering cookies after putting a person down is a normal gesture.
+ If a guy and girl walk together in the middle of the forest, it is considered a date.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
(Time’s According to Green Green Complete Disc 2)
2 min – Heard it all before. Let’s move on!
5 min – As far as he is concern, he owes you guys squat!
6 min – Sir, you are scaring her and you are also frankly scaring me.
11 min – And then she turns into a werewolf! Nah, but that would be awesome!
13 min – Sacrilege and also creepy!
16 min – Sorry Reika, you forgot the Midori variable in this little plot of yours.
18 min – Huh? What the…
21 min – Did you figure that all on your own Colombo?
26 min – Episode 6 is happening now and we still get the same old song and dance narration.
27 min – Even school staff sees Yuusuke as the only person around here. Glad I’m not the only one.
29 min – AAAAHHHHH!!! It’s so hideous!
30 min – What the f**k are you talking about you crazy fat guy!?
33 min – Geez, what an asshole.
41 min – I feel queasy! Very queasy!!!
43 min – *Pukes*

NOTABLE QUOTES
Taizo: Yeah! A teddy bear is a great idea! Just one question: what the hell is a teddy bear?

Yuusuke: Why are you picking me?
Chigusa: Because it is quite obvious that you are the only normal boy around here.

THE PLOT

This has been a rough ride so far. The show has been slowly getting worse while sort of making small improvement here and there. The sad part of it is if that some small parts of the show didn’t happen in it, like the very creep moment from last episode, the show might actually be a bit better. Oh well, we got two episodes to tackle so maybe things might be able to turn around with some story or character development. With that said, we venture forth into episodes 5 and 6 now.

Episode 5 opens up the following day after the whole breaking and entering incident into the girl’s dormitory. Lunch is rather awkward now that the Pervert Squad broke into the girl’s dorm, so both genders are all sitting on other sides of the lunchroom. The squad wants Yuusuke to break the barrier between the sexes now that they screwed it up since they think he is so close to Midori and all. A good idea, but since they nearly got him beaten up with a baseball bat, what the hell should he even help these losers. Heck, why even be their friends?

Taizo from the Pervert Squad decides to go formally apologize to Sanae for well, acting very VERY pedophilic around her the other night. However, what appears to be a nice gesture on his part turns into a very weird moment when he wants her to experience the same joy he got when he was around her. Umm, eww? Midori and Yuusuke and save her away from the freak of nature. Once away from him, they talk to Sanae and learn a bit about her. Wow! Character development and back story for someone! Hooray!

So Sanae is an often very sick girl who came to this school with the girls to breathe in a lot of the country air to help her feel better. So far, it has been working out fine, as long as they keep taking her pills. The three of them head off for class when the bell rings, but Sanae accidently drops her pill case! I sense trouble!

Later that night, she notices she doesn’t have her case anymore so she starts looking for it. I wonder why it took her this long to realize she lost it? She should have noticed when she changed out of her school uniform probably a couple of hours earlier. Anyways, she looks around and Yuusuke runs into on the way to his room, so he decides to help her. Aww…

He helps her find pill case, walks her back to her dorm, and they also take some time to look at the full moon that is out. It’s a rather sweet scene, but there is a trouble a brewin’ when Taizo sees this and thinks he is moving in on his girl (I don’t think she was ever his girl to be honest). Also, Reika sees this as well and wonders how she can use this to break him and Midori apart even more so.

Taizo and the other two members of the squad think of a way to help him get close to Sanae and suggest that he gives her a homemade teddy bear as a present. Sweet, but would never work considering how much of a freak he is. Reika over hears their plan and decides to set up her own. In her plan, she’ll trick Yuusuke to show up right when Taizo is giving Sanae the present. Since she probably be scared by him, Yuusuke will then come in to save her from Taizo. Being so grateful, Sanae will fall in love with him and he’ll love her back. They’ll be happy couple, leaving poor old Midori out in the cold. Interesting and clever plan, but it’ll fail big time.

And so it does, but not in the way I expect it. Sanae ends up fainting when Taizo give her the teddy bear and when she sees Yuusuke as well. They all rush her to the nurse’s office for her to rest, but the nurse is out, so the guys rush over to find her. While they are getting the nurse, something odd happens. Midori holds Sanae’s hands while she leans next to the bed, watching over her, when they start glowing! Then Sanae is all better! She did use Heal on her?! The mystery of Midori deepens!

After the incident, the episode closes out with Sanae, out of the nurse’s office now, telling Midori that she knows how she feels towards Yuusuke and will root her on. Also, Yuusuke finally warms up bit to Midori after admiring how much she cared for Sanae when she was unconscious. Alright, not a bad episode. Some decent character development and a bit of the plot moving forward from what I can tell. Hopefully the next episode will be just as good.

Episode 6 opens up with Midori and Yuusuke actually planning school event so they can break down the tension between the boys and the girls that the pervert squad caused. Midori sees this as an opportunity to get closer to Yuusuke and possibly have a sort of ‘date’ with him. When she tells Reika about this (Why is she telling the person who doesn’t ever want them to be together anyways?), she believes she doesn’t stand a chance since he is more attached to the other girls and the 3 morons are always bothering them when they are together.

Midori believes things can work out between him and her if no one bothers the two of them and wants to prove it to Reika. As such, she bets if she can’t make Yuusuke become closer to her during this own planning session, she’ll give up on him. Reika agrees to the bet, as long as she keep all of the distracting people away from the two of them. She does so by tricking the pervert squad into an equipment room where she keeps them locked up.

Midori tries her best to have Yuusuke warm up to her or at the very least, enjoy their time together as they plan out the event, but it doesn’t go well at all. The main issue is that when Midori tries to be nice or suggest doing some things, Yuusuke flat out ignores or even blows her off. In fact, he even tells her she can do everything herself since she is annoying him! Look, if there was a girl that interested in me, but I didn’t feel the same way, I wouldn’t go out of my way to literally hurt her feelings or even destroy her emotionally like her is doing! I would try, you know, being nice at the very least.

Midori’s feelings are extremely hurt and is completely mad at him just as it starts to rain. The two of them are forced to take shelter in a shack. They take their clothes off since they are all drenched and now they sit their awkwardly. However, things actually do get a bit better when they start talking to each a bit later in a hot spring nearby. Don’t ask. However, we are given a lot of relationship development between the two of them so once again, the plot is moving! Hooray!

Our episode then closes out with Midori refusing to tell Reika what happened between her and Yuusuke, but revealing enough for her to know that it is still on. Reika is pissed off knowing she lost the bet. Also, those three perverts are finally let out of the equipment room. There was a subplot about them, but it is way too disgusting and unimportant to talk about.

That wraps up part 4 of the review and I must say, I am a bit more pleased with these two episodes than the last one. For one thing, giving some more depth to Sanae and Midori was appreciated; no matter how little it was with one of them. The plot around Yuusuke and Midori actually developed more and the music for Sanae’s episode was rather nice. Also, the voice acting, again, is improving. Sanae sounds pretty good and Hikaru of the pervert squad also sounds pretty decent. Again, the voices for the others that I mentioned before are still improving as well.

Now we come to the issues. Voice acting is still pretty weak and I actually think it took a step backwards with Futaba for what little scenes she actually spoke in. Animation is still pretty bland and I actually saw some strange issues at some points, like where Sanae’s chin actually grew and shrunk. Finally, the pervert squad still is a big issue with their disgusting and totally stupid antics. While they didn’t have as much of an impact on the plots in the two episodes, they still left a dirty impression and stain whenever they did show up, especially in episode 6.

Like I said, the show had improved a bit for these two episodes while still dealing with the big problems that have been plaguing the show in most episodes so far. If the show was to actually keep improving the way it did for these episodes, the show might actually become halfway decent, but I doubt that sadly. We’ll pick this up again with episodes 7 and 8 later.

Movie Review: Samurai Cop

2010-02-27T15:35:00.002-06:00

Samurai Cop
Rated R
3 Slimes
Copyright Hollywood Royal Pictures 1989

THE CHARACTERS

Joe Marshall: Now this guy has a mullet! He’s called the Samurai Cop, but no one really knows why. He is also a ladies’ man, but I don’t know understand why. Maybe it’s the mullet.

Frank Washington: Your typical black cop found in most movies. Cracks a lot of jokes and shoots a lot of people. Not much defining characteristics other than that.

Jennifer: She is owner of the Blue Lagoon restaurant where the Katanas hang out. She and Joe end up as a couple at the end of the film.

Peggy: A never seen such a horny and disgusting female police officer before she came along. It may sound mean, but she is, without a doubt, a whore. She has a pretty bad encounter with bacon grease later in the movie.

Fuijyama: Head of the Katana Gang who strangely reminds me of a motorcycle cop. He’s hard to understand most of the time so I am puzzled how his own men are able to understand what he is saying. He’s shot to death by Frank.

Yamashita: Robert Z’Dar! One of the men in charge of the Katana Gang who likes to think he is a samurai, despite him obviously not being Japanese. I surprised he wasn’t arrest in this film since there was plenty of evidence against him. He commits suicide after being defeated by Joe.

Red Head: Yamashita’s girlfriend and another member of the Katana Gang. Shot by Joe.

Okamura: One of the higher ranking members of the Katana Gang. He’s shot by Joe.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ A shot to the gut or heart only mildly annoys some people.
+ You need someone to tell you to shoot a person when that person is already shooting at you.
+ Vans explode into flames when they lightly touch something.
+ Girlfriends' don’t mind it when their boyfriends talks about making nookie with someone else.
+ When people are beheaded, they make gurgling noises.
+ Katanas can cut through bone easily.
+ Submachine guns can also fire paintball bullets.
+ Grenades have 2 functions: Explode and Release a Gas Bomb.
+ When thugs have nothing to do, they play Go Fish.
+ Bacon grease is an effective torture weapon.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – He looks like that guy from Reno 911.
5 min – If you can see them from that angle, you are way too close to the ground.
10 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST RANDOMLY PLACED BOXES!
17 min – Yamashita: Peace out!
19 min – Did some pages of a porno get mixed into the script by any chance?
23 min – Sir you are security.
32 min – I don’t know whether to laugh or applaud that speech you made.
36 min – My God! He’s shooting them all with a paintball gun! That fiend!
37 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAR!
44 min – He tripped on nothing.
48 min – He’s got Defender, the arcade unit? Lucky.
58 min – That isn’t inconspicuous at all.
68 min – I got nothing… this scene speaks for itself.
73 min – Hey, that’s a completely different house now.
79 min – He’s milking his death for all its worth.
80 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WHISKY BOTTLE, A LAMP, AND A TV!
89 min – Ah… where is everyone? They keep changing location.

NOTABLE QUOTES
Yamashita: I will bring you his head and place it on that piano!

Nurse: (To Joe) Have you been circumcised?

Joe: (To Mr. Fujiyama) Now I’m telling these son of bitches, that we respect the Japanese of this country who are honest businessmen. And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business; Not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets. Now I’m telling these m***********s if they continue killing our children to make their precious millions they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts; Counselor, before your lawsuit even gets on the law clerk’s desk, I’ll have their stinkin’ bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer. GOT IT?! And you too!

Frank: The chief's gonna burn my ass.
Joe: Yeah he’s going to burn it, charcoal black.
Frank: It is black.
Joe: (Both do a low five) Right on!

Joe: If ya hear shootin’, come a runnin’.

THE PLOT

My last encounter with the big chin man known as Robert Z’Dar in a movie wasn’t really… pleasant. Anyways, while researching that movie, I came across this one and wow! This movie is certianly something else. Possibly one of the worst buddy cop movies ever or perhaps the most hilariously bad action movie ever made. We’ll decide that after our feature presentation.

After the opening credits, we meet a Japanese gang called the Katanas, who are discussing the future. They want to merge their gang with a Chinese gang, but someone is standing in their way. Who is it? I couldn’t honestly say, the dubbing is pretty awful and sounds like they are groaning instead of talking, except for Yamashita.

The Katanas go meet with a man name Mr. Lee and his men to discuss about combining forces with each other. Mr. Lee refuses, so Yamashita pulls out a wooden dagger and stabs him. Then everyone breaks into a huge fight scene. I love how during the fight, one guy gets shot in the gut, but still keeps throwing roundhouse kicks at his opponents like the shot was nothing.

Cutting away from them, we meet the cop duo of Joe Marshall and Frank Washington, who are working on busting some drug dealers of the Katana Gang. They follow the dealers around on the ground while they have another cop in a helicopter, named Peggy, track the dealers from above.

They follow the dealers to a drop off point near the marina, where a bunch of guys on a boat are waiting for them. After the deal is made, Peggy follows the men in the boat while Joe and Frank go after the drug dealers in their van. They get into a high speed chase (Alright it was really just the film fast-forwarding to make it look like a high speed chase) with the crooks and chase them throughout the area, destroying cardboard boxes, running people down, and shooting at each with air rifles & pelt guns.

So after killing all the goons and badly burning the getaway driver in an explosion, how does Joe celebrate a… sort of victory? Why by having nookie with Peggy. Eww… Anyways, we cut back to the Katana Gang who are discussing the recent incident. The head boss guy tells Yamashita that he wants the getaway driver dead so he can’t talk and he also wants Joe taken out as well because he heard people calling the guy a samurai! Don’t know what makes Joe a samurai and it is never made clear during the entire film.

Joe and Frank go to the hospital to check on the getaway driver to see how he is doing. The nurse tells them he won’t be able to talk for a couple of weeks and then randomly and I do mean randomly, the nurse starts hitting on Joe. The two of them carry out one of the oddest dialogues that I have ever heard in a movie and after they are all done talking, I feel sort of dirty.

The pair leaves just as Yamashita and Red Head (Female bad girl with no name) sneak into the room. There, they cut the guy’s head off and actually get away with it. The hospital needed much better security guards or police guards to protect this guy. The police chief yells at Joe and Frank for providing extremely lousy security for the patient and also for getting the officers hurt. Though I don’t recall seeing any of them losing their hands like the captain mentioned.

Joe and Frank head to the restaurant, Blue Lagoon, to confront Mr. Fujiyama, the head of the Katana gang, about everything. When they get there, they also meet the rest of the Katana Gang, including Yamashita and Red Head. Technically, they can arrest both Yamashita and Red Head because the people they attacked when escaping the hospital are all still alive and they could make a positive ID of them as the two suspects that hurt everyone. Why the cops don’t arrest them is beyond me. Anyways, then Joe gives the greatest speech I have ever heard to the villains about turning them into Japanese fertilizer (Look at the quote section to read it!). It is… pure epic.

So the cops leave the restaurant and run into some trouble with Yamashita. He has some his baddies go attack the two of them (Where were those guys anyways? I didn’t see them in the restaurant.) and it leads to one of the best moments in the film. One of the guys attacks Joe with a katana and Frank shoots him. The bullet wound in the guy looks like he was actually shot with a paintball gun.

Yamashita gets pissed off about this and pulls out a submachine gun; I wonder where he was hiding that? He then starts shooting and killing all his men so they can’t talk. I love how the gun fires both paintball bullets and real bullets during the time and also how the good guys allow Yamashita to take his time reloading his gun. After shooting at a car for a while, Yamashita tosses a grenade (!) and escapes. Why was he carrying a grenade around?

To get some more information about the gang, Joe goes talk to the restaurant owner, Jennifer, who was dinning with the Katana Gang earlier. She doesn’t offer much information, no matter how much he pesters her, so he leaves. Once he leaves, four goons try to jump him, but he kicks their butts. One of the goons he captures tells him that a guy named Okamura, one of higher members of the Katanas, hired them to kill him.

Joe and Frank go to Okamura’s house to arrest him and now hopefully build a strong case against the Katanas. They break into the place and they get into a large shoot-out with the guy's thugs. Joe chases after Okamura and they both get into a large fight, during which, the landscape changes amusingly and they keep making these weird noises as they beat each other up. Joe manages to defeat the guy, but when Frank tries to arrest him, Okamura grabs his gun. Joe is then forced to kill him and they have yet again lost another lead.

The Katanas are getting frustrated with these constant attacks on their gang, so they call for some guys from New York to beat up some of the police forces. Strangely enough, they try to kill Joe, despite the fact that they are being paid not to do so. Joe kills all the guys coming after him and then we randomly cut away to the Red Head and Yamashita getting it on. Padding!

After that… pointless scene, we cut back to Joe talking to Jennifer again for some more information. He talks her back to his place for what I bet will lead to some boom chicka wah wah in a later scene. However, the Katana Gang hears about there meeting and has some of their men go to kill them. The problem is though… they don’t know where Joe is. I… can’t explain it. They are a big and powerful Yakuza gang with lots of money and plenty of connections, but they can’t figure out where Joe lives? I shake my head in disappointment of these guys.

So the evil gang goes around and messes with some people to find out where Joe lives. While they are doing that, Joe and Jennifer are making out on the beach and also end up doing it (I KNEW IT!). I don’t know why since they basically known each other for less than probably 3 hours total and know nothing about each other.

Back to the gang, two guys try to threat Frank for info, but he kills both of them. Yamashita and his men capture and torture Peggy with bacon grease… yeah I know. What really is interesting is how the frying pan with the grease in it magically keeps refilling. The guys get their information from her and head off to get Joe. Frank calls him and warns him just in time as the bad guys arrive. Joe kills one of them and takes off with Jennifer, leaving Yamashita in the dust.

Jennifer returns back to her restaurant (which is owned by the bad guys by the way) and is promptly captured by Mr. Fujiyama. What I question here is why Joe didn’t take her back to the police station, where he went next by the way. Wouldn’t she be safer there, especially since the bad guys are after her?!

At the police station, the captain chews out Frank and Joe again about how they can’t arrest anybody with them being dead. Look here moron, they have plenty and I mean PLENTY of evidence and eyewitnesses for them to arrest at least Yamashita and the Red Head, but no! You fail to see that! Anyways, the captain now orders them to kill all members of the gang. Interesting approach for law enforcement to deal with a problem…

So Joe and Frank storm the bad guy’s HQ and shoot it out with the thugs. After blowing through pretty much everyone, they confront Fujiyama as he holds Jennifer hostage. He forces them to drop their guns and he shoots Frank. However, the moment he lets go of Jennifer, Frank gets back up and shoots him dead. Apparently Frank was the only one smart enough to wear a bullet proof vest in this entire film.

With Fujiyama dead, the two cops have to finally deal with Yamashita, the last guy left. They storm his cabin and blow through all his guards, killing Red Head along the way. Yamashita confronts Joe and challenges him to a sword fight, to prove if he is really a samurai. Yeah, these guys will settle things in a sword fight. Personally, I just say you shoot the guy and call it a day, but Joe apparently will actually duel him.

So the two of fight it out with katanas while doing some poses and showing off their skills as well. After about less than a minute, they say screw it and basically duke it out in a fist fight. So no need to prove you’re a samurai then, huh Joe? Ok, they then go back to fighting with sword and then less than a minute once more, they are fist fighting again. I am missing something here? What does this have to do with being a samurai?

So Joe beats him and Yamashita wants Joe to kill him, since he wants to die with honor because he is a samurai or something. Joe is about to, but Frank reminds him that he is a cop (Makes no sense that would stop him since he pretty much killed everyone without showing restraint). Yamashita then stabs himself with a knife to die honorably I guess. The movie then ends with Joe and Jennifer making out on a beach. Probably after he was stripped of his badge for basically every illegal thing he did of course.

Man, this movie is bad in almost every meaning of the word, but yet, some of the awful stuff is just great. Action scenes are pretty hilarious with use of paintball guns and air rifles for shoot outs or the cartoon sound effects used for the hand to hand combat. The dialogue is badly written and a lot of the dubbing is terrible, but it makes the experience pure entertainment with the corny lines and weird speeches people give. As such with the bad dubbing, the acting is pretty pathetic as well, especially when people are killed, but even with that, it makes the movie goofier than what you expect and more enjoyable.

What does hurt the film, however, is a lot of the scenes. There are a lot of things that happen, but yet a lot of them do not make sense or seem rather pointless in the long run, like how the Katanas are trying to merge with the Chinese gangs. It’s never really mention again after the movie passes the 10 minute mark. Another thing that hurts the film is a lot of the plot holes and goofs. When an officer and his wife are killed in one scene, their deaths are never brought up and we don’t know if anyone finds out what happen to them. There is also interesting bit of dialogue where Joe says that Peggy is his number one girl, but he ends up with Jennifer at the end of the film. What happened there? Did he forget about her or has he just moved on?

Either way, the film is terrible, but in a good way. The film never really drags on and is a blast to watch with how terrible it is. Samurai Cop definitely worth a watch or two if you ever get the chance to see it.

Movie Review: The Fantastic Four (1994)

2010-02-15T13:13:00.001-06:00

The Fantastic Four
Unrated
3 Slimes
Copyright New Horizons 1994

THE CHARACTERS
Mr. Fantastic/Dr. Reed Richards: A scientist who wants to harvest energy from some comet for an unknown reason. This all goes wrong and he ends up being able to stretch his body in anyway. He and Susan marry at the end of the film.

The Thing/Ben Grimm: Michael Bailey Smith! He’s pretty small for the Thing. I always pictured him, you know, larger. He, at first, finds his transformation horrible, but he soon gets over it. He and Alicia become a couple. I would love to see how that works.

The Human Torch/Johnny Storm: He is Susan’s younger brother who constantly overreacts to many different things. He can make fire or turn into the Human Torch at anytime he wants by saying flame on.

The Invisible Woman/Susan Storm: Rebecca Stab! She is Johnny’s older sister who can turn invisible and make shields (She only does this once) after being hit by the cosmic waves. I don’t know what she really provides for the film since she mostly just acts as love interest for Reed. Speaking of which, she and Reed marry at the end of the film.

Alicia Masters: She is a blind sculptor who falls in love with Ben after he breaks one of her statues and after only one meeting. I don’t know why, but we run with that.

Dr. Doom/Victor Von Doom: This guy has the most awesome voice for a villain I have ever heard! He also has the best cheesiest evil laugh I have ever heard and I think he hired Tim Curry has one of his henchmen. He was a former friend of Reed, but was horribly scarred by an accident he caused, but which he blames Reed for anyways. He falls off a cliff at the end of the film, but he probably survived. Bullets can’t hurt him, but a sucker punch sure can cause a lot of damage.

Jeweler: He is sort of a combination of the Rat King (Batman: Animated Series), the Sewer King (Hey Arnold), and the Leprechaun who has a love for jewelry and blind sculptors. He lives in the sewers and provides the unwanted with a home. He sort of vanishes towards the end of the film and we never hear about whatever happened to him.

LESSONS LEARNED
+ Class is dismissed before any bell rings.
+ Even if you are still clearly alive, a doctor can tell your family and friends that you are dead.
+ People can survive inside a spaceship as it explodes in space.
+ Super villains play with people’s faces.
+ Diamonds can be used to absorb cosmic rays.
+ Getting shot in the chest doesn’t always leave bullet holes in a body.
+ Getting superpowers depends on your personality.
+ Sewers have bottomless pits.
+ Breaking a woman’s statue and apologizing for it will make her fall in love with you.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
0 min – Roger Corman was involved in this? That might explain something.
4 min – This is just about as interesting as my normal science classes.
7 min – Couldn’t work. You’re in middle school and he is in college. That would be very creepy if something were to happen.
15 min – Despite 10 years passing, it looks like 20 years passed for these people.
16 min – Was that just Dr. Claw?!
25 min – Let’s see, model rocket, stock footage of a real rocketship, and then, presto! They are high above the world now.
27 min – Now we cut to Skeletor’s lair.
28 min – Boom mike.
37 min – Who are these people and why is the Leprechaun there?
43 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A STOOL!
44 min – Now we are in Transylvania!
51 min – What? They couldn’t afford to have a fight scene?
55 min – I think he forgot his line there.
57 min – The 60s Batman music is playing in my head.
64 min – Yep, that’s my reaction to the costume as well.
69 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TV!
71 min – That was random.
72 min – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT!
74 min – She just said she loves you and you look at her like she said something stupid.
79 min – I love how only Susan is feeling the effects of the laser while everyone finds it mildly annoying. Also, why does Johnny look constipated?
81 min – How did they know they could do that?
85 min – You didn’t think plan this out much.

NOTABLE QUOTES
The Jeweler: [the Jeweler holds a gun to Alicia's head] Stand back or I'll shoot her!
Dr. Doom: Go ahead.
The Jeweler: I mean it!
Dr. Doom: No, Please, don't let me stop you.

The Thing: I love walking into a trap, don't you?
Mr. Fantastic: I don't know, never done it before.

THE PLOT

I bet you didn’t know that there was a Fantastic Four movie before the recent ones with Jessica Alba. That’s right; Marvel had originally made a Four movie before back in the 90s that would end up never being officially released in theaters. The studio that made the film actually never had intended for it to be released and only really made the film since they had the rights and they would have lost them if they didn’t make the movie.

So how did it get out of studio? Beats me. The movie is only available for purchase nowadays through bootlegs; kind of like Twice Upon a Time. For me, I decided to just watch the film on YouTube since someone put it up there. The quality may not be perfect, but it’s the only way to see this thing.

After a lengthy credit sequence, we meet Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom at a college class. Strange, I thought they were already out of college in the comics. When a comet is passing over, the two of them decide to test out this experiment they’ve been working on for a while now. The experiment seems like it is to harvest energy from a passing comet. Don’t know how that’s suppose to work, but then again, I’m not a scientist.

A problem erupts with the experiment for some vague reason and the whole thing blows up, nearly killing Victor. Though for some odd reason, despite the fact that Victor is still alive, the hospital decides to tell Reed that he is dead. Why? Wouldn’t it be a good idea to tell him that is friend is still alive? Hospitals are a strange place.

Now cut away to 10 years later, Reed has designed a space ship to go into space and he has his best friend, Ben Grimm, fly the thing. They also recruit 2 old friends of theirs, Johnny and Susan Storm, to act as their crew. Seems like a bad idea though if you ask me. They have no experience in any scientific field or useful qualities that can help Reed and Ben. The only reason they are coming is because they know a lot about the operation, which is a weak idea to bring them into space in the first place.

As they are gathering all of the equipment for the trip, a mysterious villain called the Jeweler, steals this diamond that is necessary for… something and then replaces it with a fake diamond instead. No one can tell the difference since the real one looks just as fake as the fake diamond. It doesn't even look like a diamond in the first place; it looks more like a geode actually.

So the time comes for our heroes to blast off into space. Why are they going out there in the first place? They are going after that comet from before to… harvest its energy. However, without the diamond’s power to shield the ship or absorb the rays somehow, the cosmic rays from the comet pass into the ship and hit all of the heroes. Then their ship explodes and somewhere, some metal face dude (Yeah I know, Dr. Doom) is laughing happily.

Now we see that the four characters are still alive and on earth somewhere, despite the fact that the ship explode in many pieces in the middle of space. Ignoring the illogical moment there that'll never be explained, the heroes then discover that they have superpowers (Johnny interestingly enough can make bushes spontaneously combust.) and all because cosmic waves. Comets sure are something else.

While all of this is happening, there is an odd subplot about the Jeweler, using his homeless henchmen to capture a blind sculptor named Alicia Master so she can be his queen of the sewers I suppose. This only has some sort of connection to the main storyline because Alicia has met Ben before very briefly and has fallen in love with him.

Back to heroes, the Marines find them and are to take them back to their base. However, when they arrive, all of them discover that Ben as turned into The Thing! The Marines take the four of them to their base, which turns out to Dr. Doom’s HQ apparently. He is completely excited by their changes and tries to come up with a way to be able to harness their powers and for that, he needs that diamond the Jeweler took.

To sum it all up, the Jeweler stole the diamond so he can use it as a wedding present for when he forces Alicia to marry him. Dr. Doom wants the diamond so it can absorb the comet’s power and the power from the four. When sending men to get the diamond from Jeweler, it doesn’t work, so now Doom will have to go there personally. Remember, if want something done right you have to do yourself.

Meanwhile, the super powered four decide to break out of the place since they are tired of waiting. On their way out, they run into Dr. Doom, who demands that they go back to their rooms and wait. Ok then… since that obviously doesn’t work, he sends a battalion of green hooded cape soldiers to take them out. The four heroes beat them all and make their great escape out through a Styrofoam wall, leaving Dr. Doom puzzled and surprised. I don’t think saying ‘Oh’ is a proper reaction for realizing the good guys got away.

The four hightail it back to the city (Don’t ask me how they got there) and try to figure out what happened to them. Ben is depressed about how he is a freak now and decides to leave. Then, in less than a day or even a night, Susan is able to make costumes for everyone. How can you make 3 costumes in less than a half a day all by yourself?! Not only that, but Reed makes an extremely big assumption that Victor is still alive since he and Reed are apparently the only people to have ever come with the idea to harness the power from that comet. Oh come on! In a world this big, how can possibly think you are the only person to have ever come up with that idea?

Somehow, Ben keeps walking around and ends up on a rooftop that is suppose to look like an alley (Bad set design people, hard to believe I haven’t seen it yet), where he runs into the Jeweler’s homeless goons. They offer to take him since they understand how he is an outcast because of his looks. At the same time, Dr. Doom shows up to steal the diamond from the Jeweler with his whole men.

After a huge and really pathetic shootout in which just about all Jeweler’s men are wasted, Dr. Doom is about to steal the time when Ben shows up and defeats Doom’s goons. Then the villain takes Alicia hostage and Ben turns back to normal. Alright then, I guess the script just called for it because it is more dramatically convenient. Since Ben is back normal, he then takes off like a wimp, leaving Alicia with Doom. Some hero.

Once Ben gets back to the city levels, he turns back into The Thing. Like I said earlier, this only happens because I believe the script said so. Dr. Doom contacts the other 3 heroes through their big screen in their lab. Don’t know how he hacked in, but alright then! He says he has the diamond now and has finished his laser gun! He then demonstrates it by showing them stock footage of nuclear testing back in the 40s. How evil of him!

So he wants them to surrender themselves or he’ll vaporize New York City with his cannon. I don’t know why he doesn’t do that automatically since well, they are in NYC or he could just have the cannon take out the tower the heroes are in since he clearly knows where they are. But whatever, it’s an evil villain’s plan so who I am to question his logic or lack of it.

Ben shows up and the four head off to tackle Dr. Doom, now as the triumph Fantastic Four in their silly Halloween costumes. So they break into Doom’s base, head into the control room to dismantle the laser, and then got promptly caught by a pathetic trap because they were all standing together in one specific spot. Great… Doom enters and mocks them, like he should, and then tells Reed he is like this (A walking tin can in a cape), because of him. Dude, you are like that because you wouldn’t get off the computer in time despite Reed telling you to. If anything, it is your own damn fault.

Using the diamond and another laser, Doom attempts to steal the F.F.’s powers from them. However, Reed stretches his foot out of the trap (Doom needs to make better traps) and knocks out the laser. With that, the four escape start beating up Dr. Doom’s henchmen. The fighting is so hammy and amusing that it just awesome. Johnny stops the laser, Ben rescues Alicia, and Reed goes to confront Dr. Doom head on.

So Reed and Doom start fighting and the fight proves to be a big disgrace on the villain’s part since he can’t fight for crap. Reed knocks Doom off a cliff and he lets him fall to his death. How heroic of Reed! Doom is dead (Maybe, after all, people are known to survive falling off a cliff in movies), Susan and Reed marry, Alicia and Ben become an item, and film ends there.

Well that was the 90s Fantastic Four and what a show it was. To be perfectly honest, the movie was horrible and terrible, mostly for having a budget of 1.5 million dollars, but yet I enjoyed it. I liked it because it was so bad that it was good. There is no way for me to take this movie seriously in anyway, but yet it was fun. The overacting of the characters, the terrible special effects, and the overall cheesiness of the dialogue was great. However, what really was the highlight for me was Dr. Doom. The guy had a great and commanding voice for what I expect a super villain should have and I also like how sometimes he over or under reacts to some of the events that happen.

There are problems with this film as well that does hurt it. I like to question a lot of the science in the movie and a lot of the plot holes or unanswered questions left behind at the ending of the film. However, the worst offense to the film is the lighting. I haven’t seen such bad lighting since Blood Beach. It's hard to watch since most scenes take place in the dark.

Still, this was a fun movie in the long run. Is it better than the recent Fantastic Four films? I personally couldn’t say, since they are all on the same level in my view. I also can’t really compare those films or this one to the comics themselves to see how close they were to the source material since I never read them before. Either way, check out the film if you want to watch a really fun and cheesy superhero movie.